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Luise's Worry Post

Started by cocobars, March 31, 2010, 04:26:25 PM

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luise.volta

Each day is less of a horror. Not much to go on but it's a trend. Please let me now if I am needed here. I'm not reading any posts except this one. Sending love to all...feeling Pings coming back with Hugs galore. Thank you.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Friday Night Report: Sent out to my family and that includes you!

Well, I rested all morning and felt like going over to nursing with the dog at 1:30 after all. (Thought last night I was going to stay in bed all day.) Val slept late, was dressed, had eaten and was ready for visitors. I got 20 oz. of water down him and had him shave. He loved holding Me, Too. (14 year-old Chihuahua.) I met our table mate from Cedar Count (Assisted Care), Paul,  in the hall and when I told him about Val, he cried with me. I have lost count of the number of people who have cried with me...staff and residents. Then Paul visited Val while I got the heavy sack out of the car. I left Val at 2:30 to nap, covering him first with his blue blanket.

Shirley (my friend next door who lost her husband in nursing last month) came over in the morning and offered me one of those walk-carts because I am limping so badly. (I feel grateful and "branded.") We didn't go get it from her storage unit because of this wild wind storm (85 MPH gusts). We are both such a mess but we make each other laugh and support each other. I didn't even want to see her yesterday, so that's an improvement.

I took a nap and then went back over at 4:15 to have dinner with Val. He takes any food that feels hard out of his mouth like clams in his chowder, ham in his soup, coconut on his pie and he blows his nose in his napkin; not pretty. There's so little of my Val left. We visited for a while back in his room. He forgot he lived there again but that's to be expected. He is cooperative, that's the big thing...and not feeling sad and abandoned. Then I took his hearing aids to the nurse on the med cart and came home. I will be glad when Kirk gets back from his weekend in San Jose and brings over my old glider rocker and foot stool, so the hole in the living room is plugged. I hope it will look like mother and daughter glider rockers like I used to have in my trailer, even if they don't match.

Val seems really content. He likes the activity and sleeps a lot in his recliner and everyone is dropping in on him so he feels like a celebrity. I think his going there first before drifting off into the ether is going to make it easier for me. I am already getting used to him being gone, (a little.) All of his stuff is over there and I am going to adjust to living alone, (I hope.) So I have lost him but he's still next door. Death by increments...the continuing saga.

Krysta, my counselor, wrote that facing up to placing someone in a nursing home takes the starch out of care givers who have been holding themselves together and pushing through (often for years)...and they crash. Reassuring, since I can't remember a thing and cry every time anyone tries to talk to me.

It's hard to get that the day before yesterday we both woke up here.

I haven't  turned on the TV yet. Haven't been able to face it solo and have been too tired to care. My friend, Julie, has put me on a supplement called "Alive and Well" (sounds good to me) for stress and exhaustion. Hope it helps.

Every day is better. That's not saying much but it's a trend. Wednesday was a horror and Thursday I was in shock. Today, my two, one-hour trips felt like my new routine and I have a sense that I am in here inside myself someplace, hibernating but not necessarily dead.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

Luise, you are remarkable and a standard bearer for us to follow.  Sending such love!!!!!

cocobars

Luise, my heart is breaking here!  I don't know what to say.  Just take it as you can and keep checking this one post!  This is your post and it's all you need to do right now.  We are all here waiting to support you, even if that simply means to cry with you at times.  I know how hard this must be for you, but haven't experienced it.  I can only listen and understand your heartfelt feelings.  I know you're reaching out right now, and I wish we were all there with you to reach back.  I can only hope that you feel us all in your heart, because we are there Lusie!  All of us thinking about you and this hard thing for you to go through.  Sometimes we can just cry with you and I can only hope that is support for you too!  I know I am.  Crying too!

This is so hard.  I'm afraid I'm not much support, and I guess I just have too much sympathy right  now.  Just check your post here, Luise.

Sending you so much love!

cocobars

Hi Luise,

Checking in to say you are still in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope things are getting better for you! 

Sending you so much love and hugs!  OH!  and PINGS too!

luise.volta

I am putting one foot ahead of the other. That's my" best" right now. Thank you for your loving posts.

I heard from a dear friend yesterday, who described my experience so clearly. I want to share it will you:

"My uncle put my aunt in a nursing home about 2 mos ago and grieved so hard by having to do it that he ended up having to spend a few days in a mental hospital.  His huge fear was that every time he went to visit her she cry and beg to be brought home.  Its amazing, she's not cried one time and has adjusted fairly well and enjoys the companionship of the other people.  My uncle goes daily to visit and my mom goes a few times a week.  I just wanted your mom to know she's not alone and I may not know her personally but I have such love and respect for her for taking such good care of her husband as long as she could.  My uncle did it for two years and was plum give out towards the end, mentally and physically." 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

This sounds so hard, and I can understand so much about it being harder on the caregiver.  I just want you to know that you have everyone here in your heart and are thought of every day, every hour and sometimes every minute!  I wish we were there to hug you physically, but since we aren't, then I can only hope that you understand we are doing that in our hearts.

How is Val adjusting?  Is he ok there?

Keeping thoughts of you and Val very close in my heart these days...

luise.volta

Thanks for asking about Val.

He is doing very well. He sleep a great deal in his recline, like he did here at home. He gets up late and by the time he's dressed and has eaten...(around 1:30) I arrive with the dog. He shaves under my supervision because he has had razor problems...and I get a 20 glass of water down him while we are visiting. Then I cover him with his comforter around 2:30 as I always did here and he takes his nap.

I come home and nap as well. Then I go back at 4:15 and we have our "dinner date." Back in his room he watches the slide show his son put on a Digital Picture Frame for a while and we chat. Then I give him his B-12 drops, put ophthalmic ointment in his eyes, take out his hearing aid and bridges like I did here and wish him sweet dreams. All very familiar.

He asked me yesterday why he was there and I explained that my injured foot wasn't doing well and I have to be off it many hours a day (true), so I simply couldn't take care of him any more at home and that satisfied him.
Everyone over there (which is right next door) loves him to pieces.

A "sort of" daughter made enlargements yesterday of two pictures he has of him with his two adult children. (Old pictures of them as children don't compute) and I am going to put them up today on the bulletin board over his bed. He doesn't remember his wife of 60 years, his grandchildren and their spouses or his great grandchildren. There is a bulletin board beside his bed as well and that's where I am with my motley crew.

My experience is very different, of course, because I am much more aware. It is very similar to my friend's Uncle. I didn't lose myself in care giving, as you all know, but the transition of letting go is beyond description. I needed someone else to put it into words for me. First you crash and burn...that necessitate your letting go...and then you crash and burn.

Sending love and gratitude to all.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Luise, I'm sending you love and support. Val is in the best hands, yours and those of the people taking care of him. He's a fortunate fella. I guess from the caregiver standpoint it's time to reassess roles and identities, like when the kids grow up and don't need our 24/7 care anymore? We miss doing it, we miss the companonship, we miss our former lives. Things are different, our job is different, and our roles are different. Wow, insight! Getting through our changing identities as "moms" isn't the end of it; we will go through a few more in our lives, so we might as well learn how to do it with grace and love. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Luise. You're a great role model and an amazing woman. Give Val an extra peck on the cheek from his "girls" at WWU. He may not know who we are, but he sounds like a great guy (and you are still obviously smitten.) Best wishes!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Sending you much love, Luise :)  I know this is so hard. 

luise.volta

Thanks, Pen - I do feel that as soon as I do some much-needed healing, I will be entering into a transition. Val is gone. He doesn't live here any more and our routine isn't that different.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

Quote from: luise.volta on April 04, 2010, 10:51:48 AM
Thanks, Pen - I do feel that as soon as I do some much-needed healing, I will be entering into a transition. Val is gone. He doesn't live here any more and our routine isn't that different.

"Val doesn't live here anymore"

That just breaks my heart, Luise.....It is sad but you are so wise that I know you'll make this a part of your growing
experience. 

luise.volta

Chickie - thank you. It is a very strong learning curve to be sure. And as my energy starts to return, I will probably turn many corners. It helps a great deal that all of you a walking this walk with me. I can't tell you how much.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

we are here, Luise.....we may not know you but we KNOW you very well.

luise.volta

Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that just a miracle?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama