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Why are some dils so distant with ds's FOO?

Started by justanoldgrandma, December 21, 2011, 03:57:39 PM

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phillek

You said it, JOAG.  People Pleaser!  It is a curse, isn't it?

Pooh

I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Quote from: Pooh on December 22, 2011, 11:15:25 AM
I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

Yep which then gives them the validation and justification with others (in their world).
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justanoldgrandma

Quote from: pam1 on December 22, 2011, 11:19:47 AM
Quote from: Pooh on December 22, 2011, 11:15:25 AM
I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.

Absolutely!  If I threw a temper tantrum right back or acted snotty right back, I'd look like a bully and get no backup although ds is catching on just by observation and he doesn't like such comments himself.  So no reaction is good; I'm getting good at leaving the room abruptly or rushing to do something else.  No fuel for the fire.  Someone on this forum suggested the "medium chill" which I've googled; there should be a book on that!

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justanoldgrandma

Oh, wow, Luise, I would love to but that would mean I'd have to know how to do the "medium chill" and I'm just beginning to believe I need to use it!  I'm such a people pleaser, especially when it comes to keeping the love of ds and gc...... but having self-respect and not being treated rudely is so important. 

I did some goggling and there are books like Walking on Eggshells and others that deal with dealing with "difficult" or in my case, a manipulator, controller, who has an art perfected.   It's going to take a lot of reading and research for me to learn this method bc I still want the approval of someone who treats me badly!  Now that's an oxymoron, for sure! 

Guess this would make a good post, asking for advice from others here!  (Of course, it runs through many threads and is a mainstay of your comments and philosophy, Luise.)

luise.volta

Something that recently took me around a corner, yes, we never stop learning and growing...was given to me before but I didn't get it. It's this: "I am fine just the way I am. I matter because I do...no other reason is necessary. I am loved from within by my Spirit...I have no need to please others to be loved externally. If compliance on my part and being untrue to myself is a relationship requirement, then what I might glean from that would not be love. It would be dominance. I do not have to explain, excuse, aplogize or change. I am (repeat the chorus) fine just the way I am."

I got it this time...and it is changing my life. That's the good news.

The bad news, is that the same thing is true for everyone else. Bummer!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justanoldgrandma

Thank you, Luise.  Your belief system is true and beautiful.  I wasn't raised to believe this, so I have to "retrain" myself until I do.  It's time I truly started.

luise.volta

I wasn't raised with it, either. I was born in the 1920s! That's probably why it didn't take the first time someone tried to explain it to me. But/and we can free ourselves up from what hasn't worked. We don't need to keep it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Quote from: justanoldgrandma on December 22, 2011, 01:12:32 PM
Quote from: pam1 on December 22, 2011, 11:19:47 AM
Quote from: Pooh on December 22, 2011, 11:15:25 AM
I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.

Absolutely!  If I threw a temper tantrum right back or acted snotty right back, I'd look like a bully and get no backup although ds is catching on just by observation and he doesn't like such comments himself.  So no reaction is good; I'm getting good at leaving the room abruptly or rushing to do something else.  No fuel for the fire.  Someone on this forum suggested the "medium chill" which I've googled; there should be a book on that!

Actually, I think medium chill is described in books "Walking on Eggshells" and some other books directed towards personality disorders.  I'm *not* saying anyone has a personality disorder in your FOO, just that I found the techniques helpful in those books for dealing with people I find difficult.

Might be worth a look :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift