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Why are some dils so distant with ds's FOO?

Started by justanoldgrandma, December 21, 2011, 03:57:39 PM

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Doe

I don't think there is any stereotypical DIL or MIL other than what the media has sold to us. We are all just people who like or don't like others. 

I was a DIL for 25 years and all my MIL peers have been DILs - some liked their husbands FOO, some didn't.

Pooh

Ha ha!  The neighborhood would never be the same! 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Quote from: Doe on December 22, 2011, 07:20:19 AM
I don't think there is any stereotypical DIL or MIL other than what the media has sold to us. We are all just people who like or don't like others. 

I was a DIL for 25 years and all my MIL peers have been DILs - some liked their husbands FOO, some didn't.

Yep.  I've been a DIL for 24 years of my life and now a MIL.  Didn't like my first MIL or the FOO, love my second one and the FOO.  Don't like my DIL, love the GF my YS is dating now.  Still sucked it up, participated, contacted and showed up because of my old school traditions with the first MIL.  Doesn't mean my DIL now has to if she isn't that way.  Just means we will not ever get along.  So be it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justanoldgrandma

My mil and fil died years ago and I miss them!  They were easy-going, non-controlling ILs; my parents more A type but also non-controlling.  Both sides "let go" when we married.  That wasn't so hard bc they all had other children/gc and their own lives. 

Pooh is right; there is no answer bc we are all different. 

I do think that "less is better"; I know some mils want constant contact but in my case, having my own life is the key.  To the dils, insisting for your own time w your new family and for yourselves.....


Pooh

Yes, and with some people, you can't win no matter which way you go.  Scoop's reference to the women washing dishes while the men watched tv is a tradition in my FOO at Thanksgiving.  It's not gender based as the women choose to do it because we enjoy the laughter, jokes and stories we tell while cleaning the kitchen and none of us could care less about football (trust me, the men all do their fair share of stuff to help beforehand and Christmas).  DIL was invited to enjoy us for 2 years for the fun and declined, sitting with the men.  Was I at first disappointed in it?  Yes, I was because I wanted her, to want, to include herself with us and have fun.  This simple couple of hours have helped create bonds between all of us over the years and we look forward to it.  We finish, make coffee and eat pie while we continue our laughter.  But I eventually figured out she didn't like the tradition.  She was mad because we asked.  So the third year, we didn't ask and just went about our fun afternoon.  She was mad because we didn't ask. 

Guess what?  If they show up this year, I'm not asking again.  She wants to join in, then it will be her choice.  Also, we got accused of being in there laughing at her.  When she hears us laughing, she thinks it's about her.  Get over yourself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

Quote from: Pooh on December 22, 2011, 07:52:53 AM
She was mad because we asked.  So the third year, we didn't ask and just went about our fun afternoon.  She was mad because we didn't ask. 

LOL -she's just mad, period.

Pooh

Yep. That's what I meant.  Some people get mad no matter what you do, MILs and DILs alike.  It must be a miserable existence to be them.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justanoldgrandma

It is changing somewhat about the cleaning up the dishes, cooking, etc., at family dinner time.  With us in our home dh is a jewel; since he knows how to cook and where everything is, he does about as much as I do, cooking and cleaning up.  The other guys take their dishes to the dishwasher and sometimes help load; the younger gals ask if they can help and sometimes I take them up on specific chores but one is occupied w kids and the other needs the time w son bc they have been on work jobs; we leave them alone to watch tv and visit.....

At my sils, it's usually the lady of the house and me..... we enjoy visiting while doing the work, though, like you do, Pooh....

Oh, about the cards addressed Mr. and Mrs. John Smith; we oldies were taught that by our moms and at school; it's like an Emily Post or something.  Plus my mom, for instance, her identity was w my dad and she was proud to be addressed as Mrs. John Smith.  My dil doesn't like this custom and also wants her name first on cards and such so i try to oblige...... it must be a generational thing?

Pooh

Oh, and to give my DH credit, he loathes football!  Now he says he wouldn't miss that time with the "men" for the world because they have their own comraderie going on during that.  He's heard stories about my Dad's "Navy years" now that he says he wouldn't have heard otherwise and says it's so not about football.  Bless his heart.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justanoldgrandma

Oh, about being mad no matter what..... i have vowed (maybe a resolution?) to quit apologizing for slip-ups and such with dil who "looks" for them...... when there's a criticism or snappy comment, I am "trying" to say, "oh, well," or stay silent or get busy w the kids or if really ticked off, leave the room..... I HAVE to get that book Walking on Eggshells!

Pooh

Quote from: justanoldgrandma on December 22, 2011, 08:14:05 AM
Oh, about the cards addressed Mr. and Mrs. John Smith; we oldies were taught that by our moms and at school; it's like an Emily Post or something.  Plus my mom, for instance, her identity was w my dad and she was proud to be addressed as Mrs. John Smith.  My dil doesn't like this custom and also wants her name first on cards and such so i try to oblige...... it must be a generational thing?

I'm the same way.  Until Scoop brought it up, I never thought about it.  I think it is old school because it's always been that way for me too.  My MIL used to send all the boys stuff addressed "Master XXXXXX  XXXXXX" and I would laugh.  I think it's good that you try to be considerate of DIL's feelings on that as she's entitled to not like it, just like Scoop is.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Shelby

The passive-aggressive business of calling DIL by the previous girlfriend's name is mean-spirited -- and I would simmer over that, if not tell that MIL to jump in a lake.   However, the business of not wanting to help in the kitchen or being upset if addressed as Mrs John Smith instead of Jane Smith seems more sensitive than may be warranted.  My DH will always gladly help in the kitchen.  It's not a male/female thing.  It's just good manners and offering to be helpful to anyone who needs it.  As for the cards to Mrs. John Smith, I'm glad to get the card - unless it was addressed with the old girlfriend's name.  Gotta look for the intentions behind the comments/cards. 

Hey, Phillek -- why not make a big name tag for yourself, and if she calls you the wrong name again, pull it out of your purse, pin it on yourself, and if others ask you why you are wearing it, you can sweetly say it's to help MIL remember your name since she struggles so with it.  ;)

Doe

Or laugh and say," Having a senior moment, are we?" then pat her and let her know it's going to be ok.


phillek

Shelby and Doe,  You two are so funny - and right!  It's been about 8 years or so since she has gotten my name wrong.  Once, at dinner, she asked for my DH's ex-gf to pass the potatoes.  I finally said, "If you really aren't going to remember my name, please just don't call me anything.  Or you can make up a nickname for me.  Anything but "xxxx"."

A miracle!  She suddenly gained the ability to remember and use my name from then on!

Sorry, JAOG, we are off track.  I am certain you are not doing this kind of thing to your DIL.  I love all the advice that people are just different, some get along, and some don't.

justanoldgrandma

Oh, Phillek, I think you and I are both probably People Pleasers!  I want so much for my dil to truly like us that I forget that I am due some respect as a human being....... I am a pushover.....(in my job I had to be assertive but in my personal life....)

Honestly, I do everything possible to avoid problems and conflict; I don't email/call/text much to dil or ds unless I have something specific to say bc of not wanting to intrude too much..... yet I do enough to let them know we care....

Anyway, I do like dealing w conflict w humor and do like your reply to your mil.   One day when a comment was made that could have upset me, I just said, "Jane, you are so funny!"  Comment dropped!