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Estranged FS (first son)

Started by Weeder, December 21, 2011, 05:10:24 AM

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firelight

This is a really rough Christmas for me too and what sounds like most of us this year. 

We have to keep learning and growing as individuals.  After all, life is short.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Kate123

Weeder, your story is very familar to many of us here including myself. My AC turned my life upside down with accusations of being a horrible parent when I know that I was not. But like you I felt guilty as if it were true. My counselor many years ago told me to cut ties with anyone who lies and hurts me, but I did not do that soon enough. I too lost focus on everything and fell into depression. I felt like I was stuck in quiksand and could not pull myself out. The pain ate at me, I alienated everyone, lost my job because I could not concentrate, etc.
I am now finally in a place where I am at peace with it. Like Firelight said, you have to look at your AC as friends. As of Thanksgiving I changed my perspective with my DS and now consider him my friend rather then my child. I  found that if I take that view my relationship is very different for me, my expectations are much less, and I do not get jealous about not being more important, or as important as others. I still miss not being idolized as they did when they were children, but it is also good to not to have all the pressures of being a perfect parent.
On the other hand I have my DD who has not yet accepted me for who I am and is very critical. I cannot have a frienship relationship with her until she is respectful of my feelings.
Now I try to keep busy doing other things- mainly looking for a job, but also tring to get back to hobbies I once enjoyed. It is hard getting back on track and letting go of some of your dreams of what family will be, but I think it is something that most everyone has to go through to some extent. Wishing you peace.

justanoldgrandma

Weeder, I was able to go to a counselor for a few months and we talked about my tendency to feel guilty and unhappy and responsible for my adult kids.  She said we would work on that, validated my feelings, assured me that I was a good and caring person or I wouldn't be hurting like this; but that I needed to be happy; that like someone said, the more we think of something, the more the brain gets "grooved" to thinking that way.... we have to make different grooves (our own happiness) and let those toxic grooves get filled in (go away!)

She also said that it's harder for a person my age to change my thinking in therapy as opposed to a younger person who hasn't had the bad thinking habits so long.....

If you can talk with a counselor or pastor or someone who knows you or who gets to know you, they can reassure you that you are a worthy person who shouldn't be subjected to such mental anguish.

I have a relative whose son is an alcoholic and when he is drinking, everything is his mom's fault.  Yes, she divorced his father but the son is a man and it's time for him to get over it; he is responsible for his own happiness and is causing his own misery.  I'm so glad his mother is trying to get over letting him put guilt trips on her.

Sounds like your son has his own emotional problems and instead of getting help or analyzing his own life, it's easier to dump on you; he'd rather do that than admit his own shortcomings.

I read some books on cognitive therapy, changing my thinking and feelings and that helped a lot.  Also going to Bible study helped (not saying you need to do that!)  These things helped me love myself which we all deserve to do.  Also, the counselor said I need to live for myself as others have said; baby steps, one thing at a time.  (BTW, I need a refresher course for myself on my own advice!)

Thinking of you at this time and hoping you start feeling better.  You deserve to!

Begonia

Dear Weeder: Your first post reminded me so much of my first post when I found this site many months ago now.  This site has been my sounding board, my learning tool, my centering focus when I felt so down and out and unloved by my AC.  Months ago I drew the line and things are much better now.  I am not on a roller coaster any more.  You can come through this.  The first step, like so many have already said, is to regain your self-worth.  I call this "putting on my big girl panties."  ::) 

My son is very similar to yours in the way he has dangled "bait" (love) and I used to be desperate enough to think any kind of attention from him would be better than none.  (Wrong).  It's almost like saying soft spits in the face are better than no spits in the face.  Once I realized my son was abusive towards me I drew the line, or so I thought.  Love for our AC is a funny thing.  Like you say, you are a giver and so am I.  Well, I thought I had it figured out now...oh ya.  HA.  Thought I had it figured out so I loosened my rules for myself and wouldn't you know he planned a holiday gathering, got the family all set to be there and then he casually said he had other plans.  The difference is, I did not take the bait this time and cry in my pillow.  The rest of us will meet and he has not even been invited.  And you know, it is better if he and DIL are not there. 

Luise, our leader here, has said that we had lives before we had children and we will have lives if our AC are not in our lives (this is my sloppy paraphrase, sorry Luise).

So you are on the right track toward being stronger, letting go of blaming yourself for his behavior (NOT your fault) and beginning your bountiful life.  Bravo for posting.  Keep  us in the loop and we will support you as you move forward.  Hugs ((((()))))
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Keys Girl

For anyone who has read my posts in the last 18 months, you'll know that my blood pressure has been in stroke territory at times because of the hostilities with my son and "she who must be obeyed" and eventually he decided he didn't want any more contact with me when I wouldn't "fall in line" and "obey" you know who.

I'm happy to report that my blood pressure is normal tonight.  A year ago I was a whisker away from an emergency ward or worse.  Despite my distance,  I still have spent a lot of time in the last few days thinking about my son, and wondering how he is doing. 

I've been invited to a Christmas Eve dinner for "family misfits" which is going to be a lot of fun.  The people hosting the party are lots of fun, inviting everyone whose family situation isn't quite as rosy as those Hallmark cards, to join their own large extended family and I expect a good time will be had by all.

I still, however am counting down the days until Dec. 26, one of my favourite days of the year, a day when AC can no longer promise, or dangle the carrot of spending time with their parents during the holidays, only to cancel out at the last minute.  They'll have to wait another 360 days or so for that little chance to come around again :-)

My circumstances aren't perfect, but I'm moving in the right direction, slowly but steadily fighting the tide of manipulative people who would make a piranha look like a guppy, my "family" has been distilled into a tight knot of a few loyal and beloved friends.  Many of you here are in that knot and I love you for it.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Gidget

Hi Weeder, all of our stories are so similar its eerie.  Most of us could just change the names, a couple of words and cut and paste the story.

The good thing is that we have each other to support us and talk about our pains.  It doesnt solve anything but sometimes a little uplift from someone else can do a lot.  Hugs.

Doe

Quote from: Keys Girl on December 22, 2011, 06:45:44 PM
I've been invited to a Christmas Eve dinner for "family misfits" which is going to be a lot of fun.  The people hosting the party are lots of fun, inviting everyone whose family situation isn't quite as rosy as those Hallmark cards, to join their own large extended family and I expect a good time will be had by all.

I love this!  I told my brother the other day I was in the land of misfit Grandmamas when he asked about GK. 
And that is great news about your BP/health improvement.  Amazing the results you get when you remove from your life someone who is trying to destroy your happiness!  Well done! 

Smilesback@u

I am having my ups and downs with my first son, middle son and third son.  So i appreciate your topic and posts here a lot.  I know I am headed in the right direction from reading your wise posts.  I have stepped back and recognize that wrongdoing on my sons' part does not mean I have to figure out a way to make it all better for us.  I can step back and let it be...and it means our relationship changes.  I am okay with that now...the pain of holding on to them and wanting their attention, affection, respect is not worth losing myself over.  I am okay as I am, I may seem weird to them as I have my own way of thinking and doing things.  They seem kinda weird to me too.  If that means we don't spend so much time together, well it does not have to be a shameful thing.  If someone doesn't like it, then they can do something about it.  My door is open (not to dogs - read my other uninvited dog post for fyi) and my heart is open too, but that doesn't mean I am desparate and will do anything or take anything or feel guilty or pay my way into their hearts.  I was not like that as a Mom and won't change that way now - no doormat here.  So thanks for keeping me mindful of choices I make for my own health have consequences that I am willing to live with.  I still love my sons, but I am older and wiser and they have a lot more to learn about how to be happy.  I will lead the way as always :)  sending peace