Estranged FS (first son)

[Weeder]

No Good Pooh    I hope I dont get stopped from posting because of my inability to read open me first. I will keep trying.
Thank you

[Pooh]

No, not at all.  Just check back later on it and keep posting.

[newhera]

I have high hopes that you can patch things up with your son in the near future, and all will be well.

[Weeder]

Firelight.   When I was driving home from NY I felt sick to realize that I am not living my life.  Because of the situation with my sons.. I live mostly in a state of total depression. I turn down all invitations from friends. Stay in. Ruminate continually about what is going on.  I have lost focus on my work, myself, and have lost all pleasure in anything I enjoy doing.  I know that my situation is not good. A big part of my suffering does have to do with my inability to accept that these ARE adult children.
Do all mothers continue to see their sons as adorable cherub faced toddlers for all of their lives?
When I was very young I read The Prophet. Kahil Gilbran said that our children are like arrows. We have them for a little while, but then we shoot them off to live their own lives. I was like..Yes! that is so healthy. I believe that!!
But I have been unable to do so.  Unable to let them go. Unable to accept that they would not always love me the way they did when they were small. So you see, I have quite a lot of issues to work on.

[firelight]

Maybe you could consider some professinal counseling......  or just keep posting and reading here and see if you find yourself changing a bit.  It is a painful thing to let go of:  our kids's childhood.

Even though we are always parents first, I think sometimes we should concentrate on being a "friend" a little more with our AC before the parenting. 

We are all learning, Weeder, including (or should I say especially) yours truly.  Every single day. 

The initial shock is the worst part when everything falls apart, but I think we begin to pick up the pieces of our lives when we sit back and look at what is happening.  The realization of it is the turning point.  Nothing happens overnight but healing begins starting with ourselves and then hopefully, in time, with others. 

For me, I accepted an invitiation from friends recently and I was determined not to dump my problems with DD (dear daughter) on them (so as not to continue focusing on it constantly).  I just wanted to focus on me for a change and enjoy the fellowship of friends and the activity we were there to enjoy together.    When you begin to do things like that (even if you start slowly), you will begin to find yourself again. 

Even imagining yourself outside of "the box" where the situation is is helpful.  As if we were peering into a window of someone else's box:  What we would advise or do for someone else isn't what we are doing but don't realize it until we step back and take a looksee of the whole thing. 

It's easy to be a hermit when we feel down because we don't want to bring others down (been there).  But try to step out slowly with a friend(s) here and there so you can find the road to self-preservation and healing.  Sometimes we can't handle it when we think of it all the time in wide terms (i.e.  what if this and that for tomorrow, etc)...but anyone can handle one day (or even one hour if need be) at a time.  It helped me to redirect my focus away from the situation with my DD and SIL (son-in-law...you'll find the abbreviations soon) little bits at a time....just try to focus on yourself for a while and for a change.   The step in the right direction for yourself begins with just that....a single step.

If you have a close friend to talk to, great.  I do talk to my DH (dear husband) some but not like I do on this site.  He can only take so much.  Anyone can listen to a friend 1:1 for a while but sometimes but no one wants to hear it on a constant basis....sometimes we just need a little more emotional supplement, hence:  this site!     That will leave you free to dump here (as "Doe", a site member, once put it to me) and concentrate on other things and enjoying others without that obsessive focus on our issues with our AC for the purpose of self-preservation and healing.  It has worked for me and I sincerely hope it will help you too.

If you do feel very depressed though and have for much longer than the issues with your AC have been happening or it's been going on for an unreasonable period of time, I would suggest truly to go at least see your physician and talk to that person.  Maybe they could direct you to a counselor or whatever you need to take care of yourself if you feel this is beyond any self-help.  Only you know, dear Weeder.  *hugs to you*

[Keys Girl]

Weeder, I've walked down a similar path.

Just because he blames you for anything and everything, doesn't mean it is so.  It means that he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life and choices and has a handy, dandy scapegoat in you.

If you "take the bait" and he is cruel, then it is your choice to take the bait and come back for more malice.  It's abusive and abuse tends to escalate over time.  If you change the pattern of your relationship prepare yourself for things to get worse before they get better, there is no "quick fix" for these types of circumstances.

I think the biggest problem is that we remember these sons as the loving and affectionate toddlers, young children who knew that we mothers were the only person that they could count on.  I still have a note from my son as an 8 year old which reads "love, forever".  It's hard to reconcile those memories with the person who has given me lame excuses that Jon Stewart could use on his monologue to great laughter and the "cold shoulder" to go along with it, blaming me for the shunning that he and his bride to be gave me.

I think it's brutally painful to look at the person that these sons have evolved into and know that we are the target of their hostility.  A long time ago a counsellor told me that my son would take out his anger on me because he knew the bond with his father was tenuous and he would direct his anger at the parent he knew would always be there.  It's a bit perverse to treat the person who treated you well with hostility while treating the neglectful parent with every courtesy but that's the way it is.

I can tell you that I no longer see my son or his wife, my health issues are serious and the stress of dealing with them is something that I've not going to endure to maintain a relationship/continue to be a target for hostility or malice.  I'm not getting any younger and I want as much peace and tranquility in my life for however many years I have and am determined to spend time with people who add joy and laughter to my life. 

I didn't give birth to him in the expectation that he would eventually be cruel to me.  He can find a target somewhere else, anyone else but me for his resentment.  It's time for me to protect my health and quality of life not to mention the length of my life.

Alanon has helped me and is perhaps a place where you will find some understanding and compassion. 

[Pooh]

My first baby step to letting go was to say to myself, "Will it hurt more dealing with this every day, every month, every year, with constant reminders or will it hurt less to let them go and enjoy my life".   Step 2 was actually doing what FL said, making myself do things.  Yes, you have to make a concious effort to get showered, get dressed, grab your pocketbook and go!  The first few times were hard, but then I realized....Huh...I'm actually enjoying this. 

[firelight]

Wise words of wisdom, Pooh.  I couldn't agree more. 

[firelight]

wise words from Keyesgirl too.  It really does affect our health and it's just not worth it. 

People change over time and what we are in our 20's is not usually who we are in our 40's, etc.  Thank goodness.  So, concentrate on yourself for a while (you're overdue).  We women can be strong as bulls when need be....so do the best you can going forward, Weeder, and keep us posted! 

[Weeder]

Firelight  Pooh and Keys Girl.  You are all very wise women, and I am already very grateful that I somehow found my way here.  I have done counseling, was a long time member of AlAnon back in the days of marriage to my alcoholic husband, and for my own well researched reasons... I do not believe in anti depressent medication.  I have to work all of this out on my own. But again, I am glad I found all of you.

[Doe]

Hi Weeder-
Something you mentioned in passing is the death of your step-daughter.  Just that event alone could demolish someone's well being. 
I hope you'll take it easy on yourself.  Eat well, get outside and walk every day and get some sunshine on your face.  Yes, you're a mom who is hurt, but you're still a living being surrounded by life.  It's tough when all we can see is death in front of us, literal or figurative.  But life is all still there when you're ready to be a part of it.
I can understand that seeing friends in real life may be too much right now.   Maybe this place will be the right gradient for you to start feeling a part of life again.  You certainly will be understood here!

[Keys Girl]

All of my life decisions blew up in my face.  I thought I was so smart. I thought I was so capable. I thought that I was invincible. I thought that love gets you through anything, and everything.

Those old movies and songs have ingrained the "love conquers all" mantra, real life, not so much.

The cornball, old fashioned truth of the matter is that it takes 2 parents to raise children.

Two SOBER parents raising children would be ideal.

It is virtually impossible to play both roles. And without limited funds, children suffer from divorce.
And me?  Why have I spent the pst 20 years riddled with guilt, and trying to compensate for it?

Guilt is a powerful and negative emotion, it speaks to the expectations that you and the rest of the world should expect to have a perfect life, and if it doesn't turn out "perfectly" then you should suffer and be punished by your own emotions.

Because I chose the wrong man to marry, and the wrong man to have children with. And so I am responsible for all of this.

Why are you responsible for all of this? your sons had two parents, it can't all be your responsibility

The emmottional problems, the drugs and the hatred.
I cannott erase the past. I cannott fix what is going on now. I have tried, and tried, and tried.

No you cannot erase the past, none of us can, but it might be a good idea to remember all the good things you did for your sons, the days and nights that you cared for them when they were young, whether or not they remember or acknowledge it.

My step daughters death made me painfully aware of my age. That I will not be here forever.  I dont want to leave this life with things the way they are now.  But short of getting on my knees, crawling to my sons front door, and begging him to realize that all of my choices and decisions were motivated be love. there is nothing I can do.

And what if you were to crawl to the front door, what makes you think that begging for any type of positive response will be given?  Your choices and decisions were the best that you could do at the time with the resources and circumstances you had to deal with.  You did have other choices, you could have dropped your sons off at an orphanage, left them on a street corner or sold them to a baby barter for a new pair of shoes.  You chose not to do that.  You chose to take the hard road.  Not a road I would recommend to anyone, and a road that there is rare praise or acknowledgement for unless you are a male single parent and then you are venerated to "saint" status.  You weren't perfect, you were human, not a robot or a machine.  Your sons could have done much, much worse, as could have mine.  I don't look to him for validation or anything any more.  My days of being "on call" working in and outside the home 24 hours a day, dealing with a ex-husband whose background of an alcoholic family as was mine, set up the dynamics for the next generation.   Guilt is a vicious tool, I was lucky to get some good advice from someone when I was in the depths of the guilt trap.  He told me that he knew me, knew the kind of person I was and told me that he had seen many other people become pawns of the people in the lives who would use it to keep them under their thumb and he implored me not to follow in their footsteps.  He's no longer on the planet, sadly but it was perhaps some of the best advice I've ever gotten.  I'll pay it forward and pass it on to you. 

[Pooh]

Weeder, I know you haven't been able to read the forum agreement as it seems to be having problems, so I wanted to tell you why I removed your post.  I'm going to post a paragraph from the user agreement for you so you will understand. 

YOUR SAFETY: WWU is a non-professional Website. None of our Moderators have professional training. We are not qualified to operate as a crisis forum and will immediately delete any and all posts that attempt to bring up the subject of contemplated suicide or that contain any other references to acute illnesses that may require contacting 911 or emergency treatment. Again, we are not professionally or legally prepared to respond to such posts or to make any recommendations.

[Doe]

You're right Weeds, you can't live life in reverse.

If you have any spiritual path you're on, now might be a good time to dive headlong into it.

[Ruth]

Keys Girl, that was a brilliant post and I thank you for the effort you put into it  I don't know what could be added to that. It reminds me that I used to always say that 'knowledge is not power', as far as defusing painful and misguided emotions.  But you know knowledge is power, it just doesn't come at the first cry for it.  It takes a long time to get on top of the guilt cycle.  Some time ago I read about emotions forming 'grooves' into the brain pattern and I can form a good mental picture of this.  Being now 3 days before Christmas, I am in my most painful time of the year.  Christmas dredges up every vestige of guilt and fixation I have buried in my subconscious to make the world right as far as my children go.  But I am not splattered on the wall as I was last year.