Estranged FS (first son)

[Weeder]

I found this forum this morning after typing in " My Son Hates Me" I was stunned and amazed, and relieved to see that there are so many women in my situation. If anyone had ever told me that I would be in the place I am now, I would have told them they were crazy. My life is an emmotional living horror. There isn't a mom alive who loved her children more, than I did, when I brought them into this world. My oldest son is 31, and married for the THIRD!!! time 14 months ago. He and his new wife had twins on 11/11/11. I am not permitted to see them. I was not invited to the wedding.  My son hates me with a passion that is not only making me physically ill, but him as well. Like so many other women, I divorced his dad was he was 9. His brother was 5. Raised the boys alone, working two jobs to do so. Dad was a flaming alcoholic whose disease got worse, and worse as the years went by. I wanted to be an out of the ordinary mother. Wanted the lines of communication to be wide opened, as I did not have that growing up. I will be 60 this January. By the grace of God, I am in excellent health, and I imagined that I would be part of my grown sons lives. Both boys have major issues. But I am here to get help with the heartache of the first son.  Like many of you, he blames me for everything in his life. He seems to have a problem with having me in his life, when there is a woman involved.  I could deal with trying to understand his issues, but he turns the families of the wives against me by telling them horrendous untruths about his upbringing. And so I am publicly humiliated and disgraced to strangers.  The wives, of course hate me also.  He alludes to awful things like abuse, neglect, and sexual improprieties... complete untruths... but he never exactly says what the incidences are.  He also plays with me by having moments when he reaches out to me on the phone, or e mails, or texts. Makes me think that there is a chance for us.  When I take the bait... he becomes cruel again.  I have never in my life experienced any thing like this.  Last week my beautiful 45 year old step daughter died from a brain hemmorage.  I travelled from Virginia to New York for the memorial service.
I wanted to attend, but my son also begged me to be there.  At the funeral home, my daughter in law and her parents kept their backs turned to me, and didn't acknowledge me. Incredibly humiliating, and disrespectful, and unbelievably classless.
My son insisted on he and I having dinner to discuss our issues.  Like a fool always grasping at straws..... I agreed.
And once again he berated, disrespected, and horrified me with his accusations, and his disdain for me.  I drove back home with tears streaming down my face, knowing that it was truly over between us, and trying to find a place in my mind where I can live with this unbelievably heart breaking loss.  My life is meaningless, and after making ( happily) ever sacrifice for my sons........ I am completely alone and loathed.  How in Gods name does a person live with this? I feel like I am someone sitting on death row, who is innocent........ but noone will hear me.

[Pooh]

Good morning Weeder.  I'm very glad you found us.  It is so comforting to know you are not alone. First, Welcome. Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work...and the other is How This Happened...our history. Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to do this.  Also, we get hit with quite a bit of spam.  No need to report it to the moderators.  We are all on different time zones and when one of us logs on, we will take care of it.  Thanks.

I moved your post and gave it it's on topic, so the ladies could find it and offer you support and comfort.  I'm so sorry you are being treated this way.  Keep reading and you will find that we all have to eventually come to the conclusion that we can't change other people.  All we can do is change our reaction to them.  That is done in many different ways, depending on the situation.  I think for you, the verbal abuse has gone on for so long that DS knows he can do it and you will still come back for more because you love him.  We've all done it and it's very hurtful.  You will have to reach this conclusion, in your own time and at your own pace.  The ladies here will help you along the way.

[Weeder]

OK  Thank you so much. I am , of course crying again.

[Weeder]

Pooh   I cant find open me first.

[Ruth]

I wrote your letter myself about a year ago, precious one, on this site, I also found by searching 'my son hates me'.  shock and awe.  I never knew I wasn't alone, but alas there are a  lot of us in this messed up society living through this ordeal, but I do emphasize 'living through'.  Last Christmas day my DS told me he to get out of his life for good.  I have your same background.  You can read my earlier posts if you want the whole story, but I'd rather talk about the healing I experienced by reading other posts here, and especially by reading Dr. Josh Coleman's book, I think titled 'When Parents Hurt'.  That was the beginning but this entire year I've become more and more distanced from the hurt that cost me so many years of mylife.  I made many efforts at restitution and resolution with my DS, and the latest ones were the most effective, as I had changed and he knew it.  He realizes that for the first time I no longer NEED him, and my overtures are out of love only.  This week is Christmas, and i just sent him a card with a little money and a one line invitation to dinner. 

Your role as the fixer and caretaker is over with your children, this is the first step.  Your son has to make his own choices, and you have to be willing to allow him the time to grow up at his own speed.  You don't have to put your life on hold for this.  I had to open my eyes to the fact that my son was a grown man, not a kid, and he alone is responsible for his choices. 

You need to come to realize that he should be held accountable in your eyes for treating you disrespectfully.  don't excuse or reward bad behavior.  Most of us mothers in this situation view ourselves deep down inside as guilty.  We let lots of really bad behavior off the hook.  I think this only feeds the monster, and it grows into huge proportions.  Feedback helps stop this cycle.  BEst wishes and keep your faith in God, he is at work in leading you here.

[firelight]

Welcome, Weeder. 

I'm not sure where the "open me first" is right now as I tried to go there myself to help you find it.  It is usually there.  Maybe someone is updating it.  It's under the home and help buttons normally.

Anyway, I found this site the same way you did, by typing my actual feelings in the google search box!  Then I stumbled on this site and has it ever been helpful.  I am so very thankful for it!  There are many loving wise women (WW) here and I hope you will find the same comfort here as I have. 

We mom's keep trying and get broken hearts all the time.  Sometimes though, we have to know when to pull back, especially if we're getting treated badly.  As you will see on this site, we've all gone through some real craziness and still are.  I wouldn't have believed it either should someone have told me the things that would happend before they actually did.  It does leave us feeling foolish but we're just mom's who have spent our lives loving, caring for, and protecting our kids before the bottom drops out.  It's hard for us to think in other terms. 

However, we have to learn to live our lives that aren't solely for our kids to survive it.  It's better for us to do so and our kids too, I believe.  They're going through their own junk too. 

When the disrespectful and unloving treatment comes our way though, we have to put our foot down for our own self-preservation.  We are not door mats.  We can still be there for our kids should they come around and give us the respect we deserve, but I for one got sick enough of the whole thing to start to change my own behavior.  Sometimes we have to start with ourselves before anyone else's behavior changes.  And sometimes if we're the only one changing then so be it.   

You are not worthless.  I know this is so very painful for you and many of us here have cried alot and still have more to go.  I hope you will get to the point where you will see you have worth even though you are going through a horrendously rough season in your life.  Keep busy with your own activities and give yourself the respect and love you deserve, even if the kids are not right now.   It's like learning a new way of living.

Keep posting on this site and I think you will find it's a relief to know you are not alone.  Warm thoughts to you, Weeder. 

[firelight]

Ruth is right. 

One of the hardest things is realizing our AC are actually AC (adult child/children).  (you will get to know the abbreviations better when you find the topic under "help" but for some reason, I can't find that right now either). 

Letting go is freedom for both you and AC.  It doesn't mean we stop loving them or even stop total contact for a while (unless you think the situation warrants it).  It does mean we're not punching bags and door mats.  It's giving them the freedom to grow up and gives ourself freedom to stop being treated badly and to love ourselves enough to change the behavior or do without until life changes again, as it surely will. 

[Weeder]

Thank you so much   Firelight and Ruth.  I belonged to an online forum called Forum Garden from 2004- 2011, and so I am so familiar with how valuable strangers reaching out, and helping each other can be.  I have tremendous respect for all women who are strong, and committed to loving and raising their children.  I am so looking forward to finding some support and help here...... but at some point, when I feel strong, I hope that I can contribute, and be a help also to other women.
One of you mentioned guilt.  Guilt has been the cornerstone of my life. I grew up believing that real love is selflissness. Going the mile..... giving up everything to prove love.  I know that it is so wrong. It is a hard habit to break. I also am the kind of person who would not deliberately hurt a fly. And so to have this kind of cruelty directed at me, is inconceivable. Almost impossible for me to wrap my brain around it. It is also so heart ripping for me to see this cruel streak in my son. I have to admit that I glimpsed it many times over the years, but I always managed to deny it, as it was so frightening.
Despite the fact that I am an emmotional wreck, I also know that living my life has given me amazing insight and wisdom.
And so I feel so bad knowing that my sons wives do not realize a very important fact.  That if my son is able to direct such distain and hatred towards me... he is quite capable of walking away from them also, when it suits him. And that is a horrible
reality.  Thank you so much ladies. I look forward to sharing with you, and learning from you.
Weeder

[firelight]

we're here!   

[Pooh]

If you look up above here, at the top under your profile pic and name, where it says "Home" "Help" "Search" etc., under that is the WiseWomenUnite.com. Click on that and it will take you to the homepage.  Open Me First should be the first category you see.  Someone may have been modifying something when you guys were looking earlier.

[Weeder]

I will be back.......... And I already have so much to think about, because of your thoughtful responses.

[Weeder]

Pooh   I am so sorry. Feel like an idiot. Still dont see... open me first  Do I have to register with simple machines?

[Pooh]

Hmmm....Kirk (our webmaster) may be doing some clean-up or something causing you guys not to be able to see it.  You shouldn't have to register for anything Weeder.  Let's try this:

http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/board,12.0.html

[Pooh]

If it works, that should put you in the "Open Me First" category and you should see 3 threads there starting with the forum agreement.  If that doesn't work, please just check back later as Kirk may be working on something. 

[firelight]

found a quote today but the author was not mentioned or I would have put it on here....It fits for some of us at least for the time being:

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that have to be loved from a distance."

Food for thought.