What relationship did you want to have?

[luise.volta]

OMG! Is she really bent on a FMIL remake? Good for you to see that the whole extended family thing has been working very well for you without any of that artificial foolishness. So, it's not you!

[Pen]

JKM, good for you! I did try to measure up to my DIL's standards and there's no way I could come close - even if I could, or wanted to, it wouldn't make a difference. She was just using all those issues as an excuse to hate us. She'd have come up with something else, I'm sure. I should have saved my money and my sanity! We thought it would give us more access to our DS, but it hasn't.

IMHO, when someone has a mind to hate something, nothing you can do or say will change it. Because the hater is looking through hate-filled glasses, everything he/she sees will validate his/her beliefs. The opposite is also true - if someone has a mind to accept and love, then they see what's acceptable and loving about everything they see. Some of us got lucky, some of us didn't.

[willingtohelp]

Pen, I think what you said about the glasses is true.  When I get rubbed the wrong way once or twice, I get defensive and start looking for the barbs so I can learn to avoid them in the future.  And I probably do see an offensive comment or action where none was intended.  That's something I can work on.  Trying to look at things as being from a loving place. 

[Pen]

Yeah, Clover, I think Chickie said in a post awhile back that she used to be fun-loving, happy, the life of the party and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore; she doesn't like who she's become after all the horrible treatment. I feel the same - I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm looking out for the bad treatment and adjusting my behavior to avoid traps. My glasses are changing from rosy to dingy, I guess...I'm looking for ways to get "me" back, and to let the insults roll off my back. I've not been too successful lately. If anyone comes up with a suggestion, pass it on

[2chickiebaby]

Yeah, Clover, I think Chickie said in a post awhile back that she used to be fun-loving, happy, the life of the party and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore; she doesn't like who she's become after all the horrible treatment. I feel the same - I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm looking out for the bad treatment and adjusting my behavior to avoid traps. My glasses are changing from rosy to dingy, I guess...I'm looking for ways to get "me" back, and to let the insults roll off my back. I've not been too successful lately. If anyone comes up with a suggestion, pass it on

MY DH called her (must talk to her only) and inquired about getting together for Easter.  She'll have to see.  We always
have gotten together but now, she shows her intense dislike about doing anything she doesn't want to do. Ever.

One time when other son and DIL spent the night with them in their mansion, DIL asked if she could wash the sheets
where they had slept?  DIL said no.

In a few minutes, DIL walked down stairs carrying the same sheets to wash so that the DIL who spent the night would
see her displeasure with them being there.  It was humiliating. 

We had kept the kids while they shopped last year...we had had some painting done and needed to get home to pay
the painters and the paint was still wet.  We called them and they wouldn't answer the phone.  They only came home when
they got ready. 

Where do I go to get my fun and sanity back?  I don't think I've truly ever met anyone who is so cruel. Even the cruelest
people I've met have some sort of redeeming quality, not her.  No longer our sweet son.  So afraid of seeing his Mother.

If we do get togther at Easter, I hope she doesn't show her displeasure.  Please!  One time, please don't.  I am getting to
where I hate holidays. 

[womenrule123]

Thank you, Womenrule and all of you....but 16 and 17 years?  It seems like that would be enough time to adjust.

Wow! Now that's another issue...it's not like they're newly married. I truly feel for you!! XOXO

[Pen]

Just common courtesy and kindness, that's all we ask. No drama, no diva behavior, no games, no holding holidays or grandchildren hostage, no playing DS against us or us against DS, etc. I'm too old and too simple-minded to keep up anymore...I want to enjoy my relationships, putter in the garden, watch the moon rise (thanks Coco!) and fill the bird feeders.

In addition, if I send money to Haiti or help a friend keep her house from foreclosure instead of getting my nails done or buying a new car, it's my business. If I choose to clean house while listening to punk rock, that's my business. If I choose to read instead of taking a toothbrush to the guest bath grout, again -  it's my business! Now you all know why I'm such an embarrassment to DIL & DS. Big stupid loser

[2chickiebaby]

No, you're not a big stupid loser, Penstamen...you are a good hearted woman.  I'd sing the rest of the song but I know
you're in love with a good hearted man!!  HA!!

You keep doing the things you love...at least you're doing the things you love instead of trying to cater to your son's
wife's demands.  It's pathetic to get judged by someone else when we've raised great kids and have nothing to be
ashamed about. 

Dancing the distancing dance with the DIL is hard, too hard to learn.  I don't want to learn it....the Texas Two Step is
fine and dandy with me.  This whole thing is getting to be the Theater of the Absurd.

[mixedmediamom]

Wow! I wanted to be close friends with her. Until recently she told me she loved me. She is in the process of getting

diagnosed and recently did something to drive a wedge between me end my son. What happened? What did i do wrong?

I am heartsick over all of this. And I am so ANGRY

[Pen]

MMM, I understand your anger but don't let it get the best of you! It could make you say or do something that will ruin any chance of reconciliation. Take a deep breath. Talk to us. Don't let it pull you down.

[momX3]

2Chickiebaby,
I just have to tell you.......your thoughts are so right on.  DILs do act like they love us until after the wedding and then it is like "phoof".....we don't rate now to be included in her or
their plans.

I know holidays are difficult for me, as DIL always has a reason (church plans, family from out of town or whatever) why her family is getting together and it is all about that.  My plans for our family isn't one that is even considered.  I thought we would "share" holidays, then I realized "sharing" meant DIL's family gets Christmas Day, Easter, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. I had to talk to myself and make myself realize that it will always be about her family. DS just takes it all in stride and he doesn't act as if there is anything wrong with this picture.

You hang in there.  When I read your posts, I either sit here and laugh out loud or I bawl like a baby, as they hit close to my heart.  I wish we lived close to each other, as I would adopt you for my family.

Keep us posted on how it goes for Easter.
Keep your fantastic sense of humor and great posts on here. 

[2chickiebaby]

2Chickiebaby,
I just have to tell you.......your thoughts are so right on.  DILs do act like they love us until after the wedding and then it is like "phoof".....we don't rate now to be included in her or
their plans.

I know holidays are difficult for me, as DIL always has a reason (church plans, family from out of town or whatever) why her family is getting together and it is all about that.  My plans for our family isn't one that is even considered.  I thought we would "share" holidays, then I realized "sharing" meant DIL's family gets Christmas Day, Easter, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. I had to talk to myself and make myself realize that it will always be about her family. DS just takes it all in stride and he doesn't act as if there is anything wrong with this picture.

You hang in there.  When I read your posts, I either sit here and laugh out loud or I bawl like a baby, as they hit close to my heart.  I wish we lived close to each other, as I would adopt you for my family.

Keep us posted on how it goes for Easter.
Keep your fantastic sense of humor and great posts on here. 

Thank you, Mom3....it helps just knowing there are "others" out there. The sons are so in "controlled" situations.  If they
are happy, I should be happy.  I wonder where they got the idea that control was love, though? 
Thank you for the encouragement...it means so much to me...XOXO

[luise.volta]

Some DILs. Not all. That needs to be reinforced. We don't have a negative DIL profile here. We have negative experiences sometimes. We need to honor the lovely DILs ous site by by not generalizing. We all know the pain when MILs are generalized. Sending love, hugs and Pings!

[2chickiebaby]

Some DILs. Not all. That needs to be reinforced. We don't have a negative DIL profile here. We have negative experiences sometimes. We need to honor the lovely DILs ous site by by not generalizing. We all know the pain when MILs are generalized. Sending love, hugs and Pings!

Some DILs, not the ones on this site.  Not yours, just mine. 

[luise.volta]

C/B - Please put me in your prayers. I just had Val admitted to our nursing facility and my heart is broken.