It's a boy!

[themuffin]

Good Morning WW,

    I don't visit that often as I've been feeling sooo much better. I found this place when my relationship with DS was at its lowest and all the wise advice I received truly helped me free myself from the burden I was carrying.

     Anyhoo, yesterday DS stopped by with a picture of the baby's sonogram.  There he was in all his glory, still in the baking process.  He had this big ole head :0), and I could see his little hands and bulging tummy and yet.....I felt disconnected.  I mean here is this little baby, my very first grandchild, I could see his little hands and feet and I didn't feel like its grandmother. 

     This saddens me because it was not suppose to be this way.  I had always dreamed of the day I would become a grandmother. You'd be surprised of all the things I've saved and collected in anticipation of being a wonderful, loving grandmother....and now...well, it's like my son is having a baby and I pray it's healthy and happy, but it's his baby. ..Not my grandbaby.

    He says that he wants us to be a part of his son's life.  That they've discussed it and that he will bring the baby by without her.  Why do I not want that?  Why doesn't that make me happy?  It just feels so wrong.  I just imagine all the negative energy that will surround each visit.  The baby having to be tugged in the middle of this unnecessary drama.  I told DS that I don't want him to do anything that will cause trouble in their relationship.  I would rather the baby be happy and have peace than have to deal with this drama.

     At thanksgiving hubby saw DS and asked him if he was going to do the usual family thanksgiving which is visit my aunt and than go to my MIL (his grandma) DS said he didn't know. To did hubby responded that he not bring FDIL.  I was not pleased about this.  I text DS and told him that she is to be the mother of his child and that made her family.  I said that if she chose not to come it was her choice, but that she was welcome.  She came.  We talked casually.  It was not as awkward as I imagined.  I had hoped to start anew.  I was willing to leave the ugliness behind.  Apparently, she wasn't.  She just doesn't see that she's done anything wrong and wants to fault me for everything. She doesn't know if she can trust me again.  That's a two way street.  I know how I treated her and I know I didn't deserve the way she treated me.  She blamed what she did to me on DS.  Said he told her to ignore me and because they were together and she felt she should listen to him.  Oh well.

Anyway, although she's stuck on everything I said after she was cruel to me first, I still took it upon myself to send her one last text.  I told her I know that I said things that were hurtful to her in anger and I was sorry ( I didn't mention all the mean hurtful things she said to me) I told her that I was reaching out to her and that maybe someday we can find a way to make peace with each other....She never replied.

   On a brighter note...my youngest son and his GF have told me that she may be expecting and asked how would I feel about it.  The situation is anything but ideal.  Will tell more about that another time.  She's gotten two positive results from home pregnancy test but is going to have it confirmed by a doctor before we call it official. But......now I feel like I'm gonna be a grandmother!  I mean it's really not a good idea for them to be adding to the family. She has a five month old daughter by another man, they are both young, he recently lost a very good job, he lives at home, and she is still living with the father and his family.  NOT IDEAL!!! But yet...I feel more connected to this baby that may not even exist than I do to the one that has been named Joel (pronounce Joelle) and already has tiny little hands and a bulging tummy....

     I'm going to have two grandbabies (at least so it seems) and I'm only going to be allowed to be a true grandmother to one. What a sad and sorry situation. 

[Doe]

Oh, honey -

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good!

Your son wants you to be in his son's life!  That's wonderful!

They've worked it out for so that you'll have time to create a relationship with GB without his mom!  That's considerate of them!

That baby doesn't have to have any negative energy with you unless you put it there.  The direction this can take is in your hands.

[firelight]

I can tell your heart is bleeding....we grandmas have this ideal picture in our minds.....I mentally bought an easy bake oven for my GD before my DD was even pregnant.  Once she actually did have a GD, I called dibbs on it to both sides of the fam!  Yes, we have it all planned out don't we.  Then reality hits.

Try your very best to just go with the flow on this one.  If your DS is telling you he wants you in his son's life, then please take advantage of the time allowed.  Your baby GS-to-be is innocent and I think he will think you're fabulous!  Please don't deprive yourself  of this precious life (who is a part of you no matter what) or your baby GS-to-be.  Things have a way of working out. 

I, for one, am learning (and I do mean learning) to hold my tongue so I can keep my relationship going with my own DD.  The relationship with my SIL is way less than ideal.  However, I want to be a part of my GD's life in a big way so I have to go with the flow.

Just keep posting here to express your feelings because as Doe recently put it to me, better to dump it here than somewhere else.  And it works.  And you have WW here who are right there with you.   

Once you see your baby GS-to-be face, all this anxiety and feelings might just fade away.  Might change the mind & heart of your DIL too.  warm thoughts and hugs to you, themuffin.   

[firelight]

p.s.  my GD is way too young for a easy-bake oven!  haha 

Don't let anyone steal your joy of your very 1st GC.  I have a feeling hearts are going to soften all around one day soon.  Just be there.

[Pooh]

I agree with the others muffin.  Can you not think of the first grandbaby like you do the possible second?  Not the IDEAL situation?  I think it's absolutely wonderful that OS wants you in his and GB's lives.  Ok, so the FDIL situation could be better....so?  It could be worse too.  I think you have done all the mature, adult things to try and have the relationship with FDIL and you can't make her reciprocate.  So let that go and concentrate on the joy of the baby and what it must take for OS to take that step without FDIL. 

I'm excited for you!  Congrats muffin!

[themuffin]

Thank you so much ladies!!!  Firelight, you made me smile out loud!!  I love that easy bake story.  Time will fly and you'll be baking with your beautiful GD before you know it.  You are right, if I allow myself to think about it my heart does bleed.  But as soon as I feel the blood flowing I close up.  I feel like I'm detaching myself as a way of protecting myself. 

I know that I should be grateful that DS is adamant about his family being in his son's life.  But somehow I can only envision the conflict that it may cause.  It's not that I want it all or nothing.  I just imagine him bundling up the baby for a visit and the tension that will be in their home.  I know that visits will come with a bunch of rules and interrogations when he returns.  A young baby won't pick up on this, but as he grows he'll know something is wrong.  I just don't want him to have that.  I don't want mommy and daddy to argue because of this.  I just want them to be happy.  If it remains the way it is there will be no true peace in our relationship.  I have been told that I won't ever see this baby by both parents even before he was conceived.  I know that I'll never be left alone with this baby. She would never allow that.  It will be like some negligent parent being allowed a supervised visit.  This baby will be used as a pawn and I don't want to that to me or him.  This agreement, that we be allowed to see the baby, wasn't made admirably.  DS basically told her that it was his baby too, and we were going to be a part of his life.  This is not something she wants.  She is not okay with it.  Just imagine the tension that will surround each visit for DS.  I don't want that for him or for the baby or for me.

Of course I'll accept it.  I would never turn away DS or GS.  But I'm guarding my heart. 

[firelight]

Try not to worry about things that haven't happened today and tomorrow....because then you'll have to worry twice!

I wonder how many people have anxiety and anger over stuff that never happens?   

Emotions and people do change.  We are grandma's in training as our AC are parents in training. 
My emotions can swing like mad from one day to the next if I let them.  If mine can, then so can everyone else's.   
A good night's sleep and a fresh morning can do wonders for one's outlook and perspective. 

Just stick with us, themuffin, so you have a sounding board as you go through this change in your life.   We're here.   

[Pooh]

I think it's great that you are being so thoughtful of the baby and their household.  But this is a choice OS is making, not you.  He is taking a stand that he wants his family in his life.  Any stress that is brought on by this will be between him and FDIL.  Think about it the other way muffin.  What if this is what OS wanted, but yet he didn't communicate this to FDIL and let her have it just her way, with no thought to himself.  It would still create tension and stress in their relationship. 

I know he said some things prior, but it sounds like he's trying.  Concentrate on that and not the what ifs.  He has to deal with his relationship at home, and maybe this is how he is dealing with it?  He's standing up for himself.   You did not force him to make this decision, he made it.   Live in the moment muffin and look at the good side of the situation.  I know we have walls to protect ourselves, but we can still be guarded but let go of the what ifs. 

[Doe]

Yeah, probably best not to jump and down with joy (at least in front of your son) but I do hope that you'll be able to take some pleasure in these small measures.

Who knows, maybe the mom will be so exhausted that bundling up GB and taking him to you will be something she looks forward to.

I wish you many dirty diapers for your future!

[firelight]

that's awesome, Pooh.  I love that post.  It is so true.  themuffin sure brought up a good DS didn't she!   

Maybe you (themuffin) could take the FDIL a pretty flower to the hospital when she has the baby and maybe a small gift for new GS (baby's first stuffed doggie teddy)?  Sometimes a tiny gesture will not be forgotten.  A little card could say something similar to :  "Thank you for making me a grandma!  He is perfect!"   

New parents do appreciate small breaks here and there.....and there you are!

You have time to think it over.   

[Pooh]

She sure did! 

I know each of us has our own situations that are unique muffin.  I just couldn't help but think how many of us on here have said, "I wish DS would take a stand for his FOO".  None of us want to create problems at home for our DS's, but many of us wish they would do exactly that, because they want to.  I see yours as doing this, because he wants to, you didn't ask him to.  So I see this as a positive.

[themuffin]

You ladies are making me cry.  I mean my eyes are literally filled with tears.  I am so grateful for the eyes that are able to see what I can't. For the words of wisdom that make so much sense I can't imagine how I was able to allow myself to think otherwise!!!

I'm gonna be a grandma!!!  And he's a little boy and his name is Joel!!!  And he's gonna be a little bit of me because he is the son of my son!  And I'm gonna love him and kiss him and squeeze him and hug him!

And I'm going to pray that through him his mom and I can find a place of peace and that somehow we can remember that this makes us family and family is the most important thing in the world.

I hope that this baby makes their love stronger and their lives happier. And if not, I just won't worry about that today (Thanks Firelight).

Pooh, you made a wonderful point.  If there is to be tension it would exist regardless.  No reason for me not to love my innocent grandson.  He deserves all the love his grandma is able to give.

Okay ladies.....I'm opening up my heart....

[pam1]

TM, I'm so happy for you, congrats! You'll be an awesome grandmother.

You never know what may happen, I do think having a child puts things in perspective for some people.

[firelight]

Atta girl, themuffin!  You can do this.

Look who's on her way to Grandma-world and being Joel-drunk.   

Keep us posted. 

"I get by with a little help from my friends...."

[firelight]

my eyes even filled with tears as your heart softened.....like the heart in "the grinch who stole christmas" when his heart grew 10 sizes that day....