AD said "as for having a relationship with you, I find that difficult"

[mrbobkat]

My oldest daughter I had a great relationship. When she married (she was pregnant) at age 24, she called me and came to visit often. I stayed with her for a few days after the birth of her first child and helped her. I felt friction from my new son-in-law, and we actually had a verbal altercation  one evening after I went to the grocery store and prepared dinner. He yelled at me and I told my daughter than I did not feel welcome and was going home the next morning. She asked to come home with me for a few more days as she was still weak and needed help. I later found out my son-in-law was taking a lot of medication for bi-polar disorder and depression. He had sustained a workplace injury prior to the birth of my grandson, but while his physical condition seemed to have improved, his mental condition had not.
As the years went by, I saw them less and less.  They moved further away and I was never invited to their home. I saw my grandson about a half a dozen times in 5 years when I found out my daughter was pregnant with another child. During those years, I begged her to tell me what I did to make her stay away from me...and to take my grandson so far away and never call me. Meanwhile, I sent cards for holidays, money, and gifts. I never missed a birthday or holiday for her, her husband and her son. I wrote letters, emails, and made calls, all in an effort to pull us together again. I cried buckets of tears. My husband and my parents (she was doing the same to my parents) said it was probably her husband's influence over her.
I called her several times a week while she was in her last months of pregnancy with her 2nd child because she was hospitalized for for six weeks. I actually spoke to her just a few days prior to the birth of my granddaughter and she never told me that she was scheduled for a C-Section in 4 days. The next time I called, the room phone rang and rang...and I finally called the desk. They had no record of my daugher. They did have the baby in the nursery. My daugher had her baby, and never bothered to tell me. I found out from a nurse that I had a granddaugher and she congratulated me.
My daugher and son-in-law divorced...and I thought she would change and try to connect with me again. I found out it was not my son-in-law keeping her away.  In fact, the only things he knew about me, he learned or heard from her.
She still lives far away. My granchildren are 15 and 9 years old. About 6 months ago, she told me that it is difficult to have a relationship with me...so, I told her that I didn't want to cause her 'difficultly', so I now do not call, write, email, send gifts or money. I feel terrible, but I've not heard from her...so, I assume that she is happy with that decision.
During the last 15 years, I've bent over backwards to help her.  I helped to financially support her after her divorce, while she went back to school to finish her degree.  This was a request from her, for me to send her money to help.  I told her to sell her home and buy something within her budget. I was wrong to offer advice instead of money.  She is now 39 years old.
I guess my question would be...do adult childen grow out of this type of behavior or has that ship sailed?
My grandchildren sound like neat kids. I wish I was allowed to be a part of their life. I wish I knew them. Does that hurt ever go away?
To my knowledge, I have done nothing that would warrant this type of behavior.

[Doe]

I guess my question would be...do adult childen grow out of this type of behavior or has that ship sailed?

Hi MrBK-

I'm in the early stages of a 'no relationship with son' situation so I don't have years of experience like you do. 

It works best for me to decide that yes, his ship has sailed and I probably won't have him back in my life.   For some people, it feels better to hope for some reconciliation.   Either way, it seems that our job is done and we need to move on to the next project whether our children are in our lives are not, hard as that may be.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll stick around and engage yourself here.  You'll find lots of women with similar enough stories and after awhile, you'll probably not be wondering 'why' so much and just accept that it is and it's going to be ok.

[dvg]

I'm so sorry you're going through that.  I don't have much to offer because my D is still very young and we go through on again, off again cycles, except to say that I can feel your heartbreak.  For all the talk in our society, especially around this time of year about family happiness, the reality is that for many people, family is the greatest source of pain that there is.

All I can suggest is that if she prefers a distant relationship, that is her loss.  Sometimes people do inexplicable things.  It's possible that when your grandchildren are older, you will be able to have a relationship with them, if not one with your D.  My heart goes out to you.

It's helped me a lot to know I'm not the only one.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - I think every situation is different. We try to make sense of the senseless and we try to fix what others sometimes want us to leave alone. Then we get it. We're done. Our expectations aren't going to be met and our hopes and dreams aren't going to be fulfulled. We deserve so much better but I feel that our self-repect needs to direct us into the next stage of life where we can create expansion, not contraction. It's a long, tough road for most of us and that's why we come here. Eventually, we move past "why?"...and others show us "how." Sending love...

[pam1]

Welcome mr.bobcat

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Also, we tend to get a lot of spam here, please just ignore it.

Glad you found us

[Pooh]

Welcome MrBK.  You have many more years of experience with distance than I do, but here's how I feel right now about the hurt.  I don't think it will ever go away, but it will get less over time if you allow it to.  If you make the decisions that allow you to grow and move on, the hurt becomes more faint.  I think of it like arthritis.  It's not going to go away, flares up from time to time, especially if the conditions are right, but yet I can control it and make it better.  The more attention I give it, the worse it hurts.

[lisafox41]

Welcome,
I've been dealing with the same situation for many, many years. There is no way to make sense of something like this. A friend told me- "Sometimes you just have to accept this is the way it is."
As I have said in other posts...it takes two to have a relationship. Your DD has made it clear she is not interested. My DD has done the same to me. At times it felt like my heart was literally breaking. Then I made the decision that I am done.
I feel like a completly different person now. Sure, I miss her and my GK's, but my self-respect couldn't take anymore. Surround yourself with people who love you. 
This site helps us all realize we are not in this alone.