Good News

[cremebrulee]

Creme,

That is great news...4 or 5 years is a long time. I'm glad you both have finally accepted each other back into your lives. You all have a lot of catching up to do.

Spoiling my grandchild is not something I do everyday. I have seen my dil eat chips, candy, ice cream in front of him and refuse to give him any. Watched him cry because her rules that apply to my grandchild do not apply to herself. Spoiling is only a bad thing if you overindulge.
Giving him treats and toys every so often is what I do.
He also gets a lot of love and affection from me..and he needs it!

Hi Red Rose, thanks so much....it's just that I learned one heck of a hard lesson through this...and I do understand your position...we do tend to spoil our GC...however, I know women who watch they're GC and they're DIL's don't mind, they smile, they seem to understand...however, they're are other DIL's who do mind...and I just wanted to forwarn everyone so that no one looses privledges...one very important thing I've learned through this, is, just b/c my son was my son...I simply took it for granted that everything I did was ok...b/c I know my son, but now, there is another person who came into our lives...who thinks and feels differently about things...that person is his wife, partner, companion...what I neglected to understand is, now things change, everything that I knew, will change b/c I'm no longer number one woman in his life...so, when I didn't acknowledge that, I overstepped boundaries, failed to look at things from her point of view...things I did, which were basically the way I was raised, wasn't what she wanted...at the time, when it was bought to my attention, I took it as a personal attack, and all she was trying to do was say, I don't want it done that way...so I ignored her feelings, and brushed them under the rug....thinking everything I was doing was ok....which proves how mentally conditioned we all are, not to mention, asleep, and unable to recognize this....this was my biggest awakening....I never meant to hurt her, it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do...but I did, without realizing it or acknowledging it.  And please know, I'm talking to everyone here. 

I consider myself very blessed and lucky...and my situation isn't going to work for everyone...however, I do know and realize, an awful lot of this stuff is so silly....at the time it seems huge and hurtful....but it really isn't...which proves to me, that I was insecure myself, b/c I didn't sit down right away and ask her for her opinion, apologize for hurting her...and actually listening to her, not talking to her. 

We've both grown in the past years...matured, and when I was able to take ownership for my paret in this and listen to her....how I hurt her, and her perception of things that happened...as well as her me, it proved to both of us, that we were ready to listen to each other. 

My DIL is a nice person...so am I...we all are....however, we all think and feel so very differently about so many things, due to the way we were raised...there is also a generation gap, things were done so differently when we had our children....and our DIL's would rather listen to they're doctors then to our advice, which is understandable. 

So, I hope and pray, that we can all learn from this, and keep on being more compassionate and understanding and realize, the way we perceive situations that happen, are not the way others perceive them....and right away, when something happens or is said, we take it personally, when it is not meant that way, and so very much pain could be avoided if we'd only realize that...

And this is what I've learned, as I said, it  doesn't apply to everyone's situation...however, I've always said this and believe it, that so many arguments and hurt feelings could be saved, if we'd only understand, MIL's and DIL's alike, what I've written above....now that I know, this is simply my DIL's ways for many reasons...I will surely understand and realize, she is not upset with me, it's just how she thinks and feels...and she has her own dreams of how she wants things to be....

I believe I was so over excited to have a daughter, that I scared the daylights out of her, walked into her home, her sanctuary, and took over...assuming that I was welcome to do that, and I was not....I was welcome, of course, but I forgot, this is her life and I need to take a back burner and allow her to make decissions, and set up housekeeping in her way...not to mention...realizing, that her thoughts and feelings and ideas are not mine...and that's ok....

I think when I started to listen to you guys, and go over and over how I felt when my own MIL was so controlling, I started to see...not to mention, it never was my DIL's intention to estrange me from my son....she and I just had a very bad start, a lot of misunderstandings and hurt...and misperceptions....and I feel so bad, that I hurt her the way I did...I really really do. 

I viewed myself as the victim...and what I wrote was what my mind perceived...however, it was not meant to shut me out or estrange me, simply put, it was the way she is....I hope someday, she will be able to forgive and forget...I know I can...but she is sensitive and I truly hope, she will realize, that I only wanted her to like me, to accept me, and allow me to love her...

boy, if we could only go back, and know, what we know now, huh....

I hope and pray all you guys can take a little something from my experiences and apply it to yours somehow, that it helps...that it gives you the courage you need to self examine like I did, and realize, that each and every individual has tons of good in them...and it's a shame, that MIL's and DIL's get off on the wrong foot....I know I was at one time very very stubborn and truly believed in my mind, that my DIL hated me....she didn't...she was hurt...and didn't understand my actions...

thank you and I hope and pray for peace in all of your lives...no matter who your problem is with, remember, always, that faith hope and self examination, sometimes, helps us up those mountains that seem endless....I want this for everyone...why can't we just all get along....?  Wouldn't it be wonderful....

In much appreciation to all of you, thank you for your time, patience and care
Creme

[renny97]

That is huuuuuuge! Creme.

Wow, I am so impressed by your self-awareness and willingness to look inward. I think, many
of us act badly when we come from a place of hurt. That was such a beautiful testiment.

[cremebrulee]

That is huuuuuuge! Creme.

Wow, I am so impressed by your self-awareness and willingness to look inward. I think, many
of us act badly when we come from a place of hurt. That was such a beautiful testiment.

yes, your right...I only saw her actions as a rejection, and took things personally that she did and said, which were not true...it was in fact the way she was...the way I was...and we didn't mean to hurt each other...however, rejection is a most hurtful thing...and when both of us perceived that, thought that we didn't want each other around, it hurt us both.  As hurt and nervous as I was, she was to...and so many misunderstandings start from misperceptions...I just cannot believe the things I did, which hurt her...mind you, they were not meant to  hurt her, honest...however, it is the way she perceived things, just like me, and how sad it that...how utterly sad....all this while, I thought she really hated me, and she wanted the same things I did...it's so completely mind shattering...to know, that she was hurting like I was hurting....

and I will tell you this, all a mother wants is happiness and success for her children...what is the biggest relief, is to finally realize, how much they do love each other...and that she is good to him and for him....the rest of what goes on in they're lives is none of my business, as long as it works for them, that is what matters. 

I believe I elaborated on the other things, b/c I was so hurt...I don't care what happened in the past...all I want to do it go forward and lightly, I don't want to push her or make her ever feel uncomfortable again...or hurt....and I'm so proud of her for calling...that took a lot of courage...

[cocobars]

This is really good news.  Happy for you!

[cocobars]

Hi Creme!

Just a quick note to see how things are going... Any updates?  This was great news...

[Hope]

Creme,
Thanks for sharing your good news!  I just found this topic and I am very happy for you and your family!  I have often thought it would help to air things out with my ds and dil, but don't know how to begin.  A letter is a great idea.........can you give us ladies any pointers?  I have never had "words" with my dil, but like you, there may be some misperceived notions between us.  My dil is very sensitive and I probably said things that rubbed her the wrong way without realizing it.  Kudos to both you and your dil for your maturity and openness.  Good times are ahead!
Love you, Hope

[momX3]

Creme,
This is wonderful........the fact that you reached out to your DIL and she called.
I am thrilled for you (and your son and DIL too).

Happy thoughts are there with you. 

You may need to give some of us a "short course" with some of your tips.
I continue to learn from each of you and from your own personal experiences and insights.

Keep us posted on how things continue to go.

[Momma Cat]

Creme:

What fantastic news!  I'm so happy for you!  Big hug, Momma