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my mother in law is taking money from our account

Started by Kinzey, March 26, 2010, 01:30:48 PM

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willingtohelp

I'm going to suggest a different approach that might help both you and your husband.  My husband and I have three checking accounts between us.  I have one that's my account.  My paycheck goes into that account.  He has one that's his account.  His paycheck goes into that account.  We both contribute a predetermined portion of our paycheck to the joint account.  It is for any household related expeditures (groceries, repairs, mortgage, cars, insurance, etc).  The remainder in our accounts is ours to do with as we please (with limits.  Nothing can be bought that will involve the other in its care like a pet).  This way you have the money you need to maintain your household.  DH can decide to give money to his parents from his account and it doesn't jeopardize your finances or come out of your paycheck.  And you can do what you'd like with your money.  It also lets us do surprises for each other without the other one finding out since I handle the balancing for my account and he does his.  This doesn't address the bigger issue of your husband and in-laws deciding what will happen with your money without your imput, but it will at least make it where when they do this they're not doing it with your property. 

My husband and I firmly believe that with family, neither borrower or lender be.  Somehow money always seems to cause rifts, and we're good enough at doing that without anything else to help us. 

luise.volta

Very useful and well thought out. The only hole I see in it, is that many of us don't (for me didn't) have anything left over after the regular expenses were handled and a little was set aside for unscheduled bills like new tires, etc.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

Clover,
Money really does cause riffs....I do not understand it but I've seen it!!  We give...if someone needs something, money or whatever, we give it with no expectation of getting it back.

In fact, we tell the person, "we don't want the money back.  All we ask is that you give it, when someone else needs it when
you no longer need it."

I have found, though that even with this, it sometimes causes riffs because the people we gave it to feel bad.  The Love of Money
is indeed the root of all evil.

The problem is that it is something all people need!  Go figure. 

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Kinzey on March 29, 2010, 09:20:08 AM
I just don't understand how people think that it is ok to take money from their grown child and his wife and think its ok to do it behind her back.  Whats worse is that my husband had full knowledge of the situation. I told him that on his day off this week he needs to get his butt to his hometown which is 2 hours away and take his mother down to the bank and have her name removed from the account. If he doesn't then our marriage is really going to have problems.  I really don't care if she hates me for this. My marriage to me is more important than her feelings right now and the fact that I feel that she stole from me and my husband pretty much lied to me. I feel so betrayed and deceived and that my suspicions that they don't respect me has been justified.

Kinsey,
This shouldn't be being done at all.  All persons involved are taking advantage.  You should have been consulted
and an agreement should have been made by you and the parties involved. 

Pen

Right on, Chickie and Coco and all the rest! Chickie, DH and I do the same when we decide to give someone money - we tell them, "This will never be mentioned again. It's not a loan, it's a gift." We do not want money to come between family or friends. In fact, we've never even brought it up to DS although we probably should remind him of it when he & DIL are putting on airs and treating us like losers, LOL.

Kinzey, I agree with those who suggested that you should just open a new account that the ILs can't access and transfer most of the money over to it. Let the old one die off or make sure you remove your names from it so you won't be liable for charges. Dragging MIL down to the bank is pointless. Dealing with DH is another matter; I don't know what to think about all that. Best wishes on dealing with this very unsettling matter {{hugs}}

I must say, don't we all feel like good MILs after hearing this story?? {{{Pat pat pat }}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

I heard that!  Those were some mighty pats

[[pat pat pat!]] 

cocobars

Kinzey, just thought I would check on you.  How are you doing?  Have you reached any resolutions?

Keeping you in my heart and sending you big hugs!  (Prayers too!) :(

catchingup

Quote from: catchingup on March 27, 2010, 11:38:14 AM
My son offered to pay off our credit card and charge us less than the bank but he would score as he would earn more than the interest he is getting on the money
I refused this offer a while back as I dont like borrowing money from my children
He is visiting with his fiance at the moment and made this offer in front of her again today.
I asked him if he had consulted her as they are planning to buy a house and are planning a wedding.
I just feel that consulting her first is the right thing to do and I doubt he did.
I dont want to hi-jack this thread with another  issue but it seemed the right place to ask about this
Am I right in saying he should consult her and should I point this out to him in private or talk to both of them and say how I feel

I think he eventually consulted her because when I told him he should have consulted her first he said"Maybe you are right"
I then had the opportunity to ask FDIL and she said said "Well it depends on the amount"
So borrow I will not--Small or big.

Hope this one stays as sweet as she is.
I dont want the money as I can manage the payments.
They,by the way, are pretty well off.
Re: The topic this thread is about--I think the mother-in-law who took money from their account has rather a cheek and wife should have been consulted

Kinzey

Well we have reached the agreement that her name is to be taken off the account and he is taking care of that so I don't have be involved as the bad guy. I have been asked to go on a 2 week trip to the Middle East for the university I work for as the female "sponser" so I am going to open my seperate account to save for it and my husband has kindly offered part of his military sign on bonus to pay for the trip so I can go. I want to make sure that his mother doesn't think she in entitled to that money too so we need to get her name off his account before she takes it!

luise.volta

Progress! Good for you! And please double check to be sure there are no glitches and she is really off the account.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Kinzey this is great news and I would think you feel much better now.  I'm also happy your hubby is leaving you out of the activities (having her removed from the account).  I agree with Luise though and would also look forward to seeing the paperwork showing the removal so that I could relax, knowing this wouldn't pop up and surprise me again.  Did he also say he would talk to you before doing something like that again? 

I hope so.  Sending you a big happy hug Kinzey!