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my mother in law is taking money from our account

Started by Kinzey, March 26, 2010, 01:30:48 PM

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

I had to laugh, b/c it seems everyone was trying to respond at once.  I think we all felt a strong reaction to Kinzey's predicament - we all care about her so much!  Are you there, Kinzey?

catchingup

March 27, 2010, 11:38:14 AM #17 Last Edit: March 27, 2010, 11:41:28 AM by catchingup
My son offered to pay off our credit card and charge us less than the bank but he would score as he would earn more than the interest he is getting on the money
I refused this offer a while back as I dont like borrowing money from my children
He is visiting with his fiance at the moment and made this offer in front of her again today.
I asked him if he had consulted her as they are planning to buy a house and are planning a wedding.
I just feel that consulting her first is the right thing to do and I doubt he did.
I dont want to hi-jack this thread with another  issue but it seemed the right place to ask about this
Am I right in saying he should consult her and should I point this out to him in private or talk to both of them and say how I feel
I dont want the money as I can manage the payments.
They,by the way, are pretty well off.
Re: The topic this thread is about--I think the mother-in-law who took money from their account has rather a cheek and wife should have been consulted

cocobars

Hi catchingup!

I think you'll probably get lots of different responses, but if it were me, I would include her (DIL) in the conversation too.  She is going to be his wife and should be included.  My 2 cents..

catchingup

Just to make sure you all know--this is not the one I had a problem with RE: I did not say this

luise.volta

I think you are smarter than the average bear and he has a little catching up to do! And you made me laugh regarding "hijacking a topic!" I have a bank account story, too. Guess I'd better put it under Grab Bag.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

catchingup


"Smarter than the average bear" I only speak from experiance and my sergeant major MIL.

luise.volta

That's how us bears get smart...experience. (Sometimes with high ranking officers!) I just posted my Bank Account Story.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Catchingup, I have this incredible mental image of your sergeant-major MIL...sort of Monty Python meets a middle school gym teacher I once had. Regarding the financial thing with DS and FDIL, I agree that all should be in the open to avoid future problems, and do let them help if both are keen - it's a way to show they care.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Kinzey

I found out why she took the money. It turns out that they feel like they were entitled to their share of our tax returns since they cannot claim my husband's student loans anymore. My husband knew about this and agreed to it but failed to let me know what is going on. I don't agree with their reasoning behind it but I would have been less angry if I knew about it!

2chickiebaby

My gosh! That just seems so bold of them.  Shouldn't it have been discussed, openly between all of you? 

I wish we could just go in and get back our money for their universities!! We'd be very rich now. We were really stupid;
we thought we should pay for 17 years of school. 


Pen

Yeah, Chickie! We spent a bloody fortune to keep him from having those loans. I certainly could put it to good use now!

Isn't this something? It's interesting watching people squirm around to justify taking other people's money.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

It's a threesome, isn't it? They have the discussions. They make the decisions. They take the actions. You are neither consulted nor advised. This apparently makes sense to them.

It takes a certain kind of person to flourish or even exist in that kind of combined belief system. How does that system look to you? What's the structure?

Guessing, (always)...I would say that when DH came of age, they expanded the family boundaries to accommodate to that. Sex was appropriate as well as someone to bring in additional income and keep house for him in his adult status. That must have made sense to them. If something like that is going on, either consciously or unconsciously, you have no voice.

As I have said, there are those who would fit right in and do well as the invisible, silent, cooperative little "wifey." Some find comfort in dependency. The fact that you brought the issue here, pissed to the gills, makes me think that you are a DP. (In WWII lingo, that means Displaced Person.) You don't fit.

And I'd further guess that you aren't going to win this one. I'd love to be wrong...but there are three of them to one of you. The odds aren't in your favor. Such a belief system has one solution to the present controversy; to out-maneuver you, teach you a lesson and put you in your place. The sooner you learn what that is, the sooner everything will settle down and their definition of peace will return.

Do I have a lot of energy on this? You bet. I stayed in similar circumstances for eighteen years. I married in the 1940s when it was the norm...(and I wasn't.) When I left...DH had no idea why because he had never listened to anything I said for the two decades we were "together." I use that term loosely, of course, there was no togetherness there for me. He supported us, maintained the home and property and didn't drink, gamble or chase women. Job done; case closed. What more could I possibly want? Visibility? To be consulted? A vote? How absurd!

This is a doom and gloom post, I know. I see joy and light for you elsewhere.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kinzey

I just don't understand how people think that it is ok to take money from their grown child and his wife and think its ok to do it behind her back.  Whats worse is that my husband had full knowledge of the situation. I told him that on his day off this week he needs to get his butt to his hometown which is 2 hours away and take his mother down to the bank and have her name removed from the account. If he doesn't then our marriage is really going to have problems.  I really don't care if she hates me for this. My marriage to me is more important than her feelings right now and the fact that I feel that she stole from me and my husband pretty much lied to me. I feel so betrayed and deceived and that my suspicions that they don't respect me has been justified.

cocobars

Oh Kinzey.  Is this your marriage or theirs?  I know that was a bold thing to say, it's just what came to mind.  I'm sorry that your husband is in their relationship.  I just don't understand. 

I hope he does march his mother over there.  If he doesn't have the >>>> to do it, then I'd like to suggest another option.  You can open a separate joint account in both of "YOUR" names with nobody else attached, since he is (supposed to be) an adult now and let the other one sit until she goes to the bank herself. 

Sorry, still upset that anyone would do this...

Kinzey, I'm sorry.  Please don't hesitate to come here and vent!

Sending you hugs!  Many of them!