Things Never Stay the Same

[2chickiebaby]

You didn't hurt me, Creme.  We just come from 2 different places, that's all.  Mine is insidious and deliberate and totally cruel, something I cannot understand or tolerate.

I'd rather be with rank strangers than watch one of my DILs treat the other one and her kids with such disrespect and get away with it.  Leaving little boys sitting on a couch while watching their cousins go horseback riding is selfish beyond belief.

I sided with her on many occasions because DDIL was so rude to us.  I thought CDIL was taking up for us.  No, she wasn't....she was only projecting her own self-centered, selfish, control on her. 

Now, the Grandkids that I practically raised are being turned into the same kind of people, only interested in money.  Our son has a huge fear of his wife, which galls me to no end.  She has the money so there you have it.

I can tell now that the other son, married to DDIL has "had it" with his brother and his wife.  These once very close boys are no longer close.  You haven't lived till you live through that heartbreak.

So, no, you are lucky, Creme.  You get to start over but  there's no going back for me.

[cremebrulee]

You didn't hurt me, Creme.  We just come from 2 different places, that's all.  Mine is insidious and deliberate and totally cruel, something I cannot understand or tolerate.

I'd rather be with rank strangers than watch one of my DILs treat the other one and her kids with such disrespect and get away with it.  Leaving little boys sitting on a couch while watching their cousins go horseback riding is selfish beyond belief.

I sided with her on many occasions because DDIL was so rude to us.  I thought CDIL was taking up for us.  No, she wasn't....she was only projecting her own self-centered, selfish, control on her. 

Now, the Grandkids that I practically raised are being turned into the same kind of people, only interested in money.  Our son has a huge fear of his wife, which galls me to no end.  She has the money so there you have it.

I can tell now that the other son, married to DDIL has "had it" with his brother and his wife.  These once very close boys are no longer close.  You haven't lived till you live through that heartbreak.

So, no, you are lucky, Creme.  You get to start over but  there's no going back for me.

but Chickie, what if you could go back?  But go back with a whole different attitude....like no matter what happens, your going to ignore it, and just be there....I know you can't chnage selfishness...and these things do break your heart....however, what if you would try, to ignore it....not react to it...and  just go forward with a whole different view point?  At least you'd be seeing them....please don't be upset with me....I'm not siding with them....what I'm saying is...work on changing your perspectives on the matter....let all of it go and ignore they're behavior...I know that is very very very difficult...however, again I ask you, and please think about this...and please don't be angry with me, but what if...you stopped being right, and interacted....yes, they are selfish, and they've treated everyone horrible, but what if youwould ignore it all just to be with them once in a while...?

[2chickiebaby]

Creme, you're right...if I could go back, I would ignore it, not take it personally.  Yes, I would.  I would love that.  I have wished a million times that I could do that. 

It is not my nature to understand "mean" and control and cruelty.  I have no idea how to react but with devastation.  I am in counseling now, thank goodness and I know that I have no idea what to do with this kind of hurt.  I hope I learn how.

I am not mad at you, in fact, I thank you.  I know you mean well.  I wish I could go back and ignore it.  Yes.

[cremebrulee]

I am so happy to hear your in counseling Chickie, that is what helped me...the hardest thing for  us to do, is learn to ignore things that are hurtful...some people can do it automatically...I've oft times said, I wish I could be more like her or him...and strived towards that goal...it doesn't come all at once, it takes years...of hard work and reconditioning...it's not compromising your values or identity..what it is, is learning to control emotions and reactions to situations....without showing fear or negativity....I've still got a long way to go, believe me...I'm very stubborn and defend my personal institutions, however....I know, I'm not always right...and know that life is filled with constant learning...so I want to progress myself to be a better person...I don't want to be right, especially when it comes to my son's relationship with my DIL....he loves her dearly and that is all I want for  him...to experience love regardless if I am there or not...he is my first priority, and so is his peace and happiness....I will not stay in any relationship that is strained...or lacks respect....and I now my DIL has been thru many similar childhood situations that I as in...so I can understand....and acknowledge, that I myslef was insecure...and unaware of so many things....I'm not saying you are, I'm simply sharing my story...who I am...I cannot speak for anyone else here...but in sharing my story, perhaps there is one small thing which might help another person, and there came a time in my life, when I got so sick of talking about it, and self pity, and hurt...that I decided, things had to change, I had to change, and it's not easy...however, my soul does feel much better....I don't want to hurt anyone...

also, I watched the young confident girls at work, who are really wonderful gals...and thought, there is no way this would be happening to them...why, why is it me...why doesn't my DIL like me....it wasn't about that, it was about how I interacted and the confidence I lacked....my fears, my beliefs, and even my stubborness...

Chickie, I wish for you only the best that life has to offer....God gives us free will, the rest is up to us...we have the ability to be successful we just have to learn how to use that tool....

I took note that many of us in here are alike, we've all had really stinky lives, and bad situations happen to us, that has got to break down confidence, and cause us to react and take things personal a lot quicker then most...b/c we've been hurt...and I also considered that about myself....it was all self examination and had nothing really to do with my DIL....it  was how I reacted to things...through fear and insecurity...

[cremebrulee]

My hope for this thread is, it always stays open and those of  you who have an issue crop up, use this thread for discussion about it...but we have to be honest with ourselves and be willing to discuss issues, and see another point of view to progress...but my hope is, that this thread becomes a tool to help us all together see there are other perspectives....besides our own...not to mention, it might help us all deal with bad relationships from a whole new perspective...by taking just one issue, and discussing it, dysecting it, and looking at it from another point of view...and I do encourage DIL's to also give they're perspectives...those of them that are here are very mature, wise and understanding...and they're feed back is so important, so that we may help each other...it isn't about right or wrong, it's about awareness, and opening up to different views, even if we don't agree with them...it's about change...which is more and more difficult the older we grow....and about dreams, and not expecting others to own the same dreams...ideas, feelings and perspectives...

[RedRose]

No things don't stay the same....but, one love doesn't replace another.  Does one stop loving one child when another is born?  Of course not.  You heart expands to love more.  The more people who are added to your family the more your heart grows.  A love for a wife never replaces a love for a mother.  No one would ever suggest a woman not confide in her mom because she has a husband.  No one would ever suggest she stop being "daddy's girl" because she has a husband.  It should never be suggested by word or deed that a man's mother is any less valuable than a woman's.

A marriage of one's son should never be about forgetting his FOO, but about adding his spouse to it and him to hers.  I didn't stop worrying about, caring about or loving my oldest son when he got married.  I didn't stop worrying about, caring about of loving my daughter when she married.  I don't intend to stop worrying about, caring about my younger son because he is getting married.

My children's marriages meant to me I got bonus children in my wonderful DIL and my fun loving SIL.  If my FDIL doesn't want to be added to this...well, that is her problem and loss, not mine. 
Just my .02.

jkm426,

I agree with you 100%.

Your post reminded of the framed poem my daughter gave me the day before her wedding...her husband also gave his mother the same framed poem (the ending was a little different)...

To My Mom

No Good-bye...

As I walk down the aisle,
Don't think it's the end,
You're not losing a child
But gaining a friend.

As I'm left at the alter
There's a tear in your eye,
But happiness blinds me
And I don't see you cry.

I want you to know,
Though my new life's begun,
That you still have your Daughter,
And now, a new Son.

[RedRose]

I think everybody that comes to this site deserves compassion and respect.
I don't think all of us are looking for answers...just a place that will listen without judging. A place to tell a story and maybe find compatability and comfort.

[cocobars]

I agree Rose.  Thank you and your too jkm for your insights.  Everyone is coming from different places and perspectives and the simple act of understanding is healing in itself.  The feeling of not being alone adds a positive value where none was before, but compassion and understanding are key here.  It's simple but I guess I'm pretty simple anyway.  All of our relationships come from different dynamics, but those things to me are the ones I can relate to healing.

Waking up one day and seeing I wasn't alone meant the world to me, but compassion and understanding for me is what kept me here.  My only expectation is to continue this cycle because it is so healing.  I don't expect everyone to agree with my perspectives, but I do feel that I am another shoulder to cry on and offer it proudly.  We are all learning in our own ways, no matter how differently those may be.

[cremebrulee]

I think everybody that comes to this site deserves compassion and respect.
I don't think all of us are looking for answers...just a place that will listen without judging. A place to tell a story and maybe find compatability and comfort.

and I agree with you 100% RedRose, if it hadn't been for this site, and you gals, I don't know how I would have managed....

I guess, I'm just trying to help in my own way...I'm way to enthusiastic about what I've come to terms with and wanted to share my findings with you all...however, it had to be in my own time and place...

I know a lot of times that I post things, you girls don't agree....and that's ok...however...I hope you understand, my only concern is to help, not hurt....I really do care about everyone here...and only wish peace and happiness....to you all....

I apologize to you...and to everyone here....I don't believe anyone is grasping what I'm trying to say...it's me, not any of you....I'm so sorry...if I ofended anyone...maybe as in all things....I'm way to aggresive...women never liked me much..I'm very outspoken and direct....however...I was trying...and if you believe anything....please believe my heart is in the right place, just cannot, express myself in written words like some of you can....I'm sorry...

[cocobars]

Sweet Creme, there is no room for apologies.  You are trying to do something good here and that is never something to be sorry about.  I do really understand your excitement and I know in my heart that you are trying to reach out to everyone and wave a magic wand!  LOL!

That's a good thing that comes from your heart!  I agree that everyone's situation is different.  What works for me will not work for someone else.  I can share, but it's my pain, my happiness, and my own feelings.  What you are going through is exciting and wonderful!  I for one, have seen some beautiful changes in your writing here!  Your mind and your words are much more positive.

I think you are trying to spread your happiness.  Is that right?

Sending you lots of love and big hugs...

[RedRose]

Coco...compassion and understanding is why I continue to come here too. I value your opinion immensely.

Creme...you have been through so much and I am so happy that you have found peace with your son and dil. There is no need to apologize. I see you are very compationate about trying to help the dil and mil find ways to get along. You are able to say so much that I find difficult to put into words. I also value your opinion Creme.

Coco and Creme -  I always look forward your words, your wisdom, your feelings, your opinions...especially when it's compassion for the mil.
I would like to see MORE words of wisdom to the DIL from a mil point of view....every time.

Chicky - it's good to see you -   

[Pen]

Creme, I think you are amazing. Your attitude towards the difficulties you faced in your relationship with DS and DIL has taught me so much. I'm so happy that your efforts have borne fruit! It does make me hopeful that someday we'll all have that. Please don't ever feel disloyal to us for having a good relationship with DIL. It's a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I think some of us have different situations and different types of DILs, so our solutions aren't going to be as reasonable. After finding out what my DIL thinks of us, I can't imagine her responding to me the way yours did to you, but that doesn't mean it will never happen.

[cremebrulee]

your all so kind and understanding...I am a rich woman in all of you....
I just wish there were some way I could ease your pain...I've been there and know the black cloud that is always looming...

many thanks to all of you for your understanding and patience with me...it means so much....

[Hope]

Creme,
I just wanted you to know that I respect you and value your opinion.  Along with our other friends, I'm happy to know you are coming to terms with your relationship with your dil.  Isn't that the reason we are all here?  To find comfort in our similar situations and possibly brainstorm on ways to improve the relationships?  I found this site when I was searching for ways to be a better mil.  I'm so glad I found you all!!!!!!!!!!  I find myself praying for all of you when I lay my head down to sleep at night.  It's funny - I really feel your friendships even though we have never met in person.  Love and hugs, Hope

[cremebrulee]

Hope
Creme,To find comfort in our similar situations and possibly brainstorm on ways to improve the relationships?  I found this site when I was searching for ways to be a better mil.  I'm so glad I found you all!!!!!!!!!!  I find myself praying for all of you when I lay my head down to sleep at night.  It's funny - I really feel your friendships even though we have never met in person.  Love and hugs, Hope

That's exactly what I was trying to explain...thank you Hope...I know we can't all be on the same plain at the same time, no two people ever are, and I also know it took me years to come to where I am...Im so stubborn....but you said in a few word what it took me many paragraphs to try to explain....I want to be a better MIL to...more then you know...and by discussing situations that have happened, we might together be able to find more then one way to look at it...


I know not everyone is looking for answers...nor is it time for some to come to this point...it's all in stages, in our own time...I remember going into the DIL forums, and they did try to help...some were very cruel...some were laughing behind my back, but some did offer some constructive advice...at the time, I wasn't ready to look for answers, although I claimed to be...I wawnted to vent, to know that I wasn't being judged....however, even in they're meanness, some of them said things that stuck with me....but were angry b/c I wasn't able to see they're point of view at the time...I was even told, "it's time to get on with it...you need to let it go"....well, when every individual goes thru hurt, pain and depression you can't dictate to them how long they should morn....everyone is different...some can get over things quickly, some cannot...I could not at the time....

I realize, these situations and issues are very delicate and disheartening...but I just thought, perhaps we could discuss things from all points of view...sort of like a support group...ask each other questions...and trouble shoot the situation...

as I said, there was a time I was not ready and couldn't see the forest thru the trees...I was right and that was it....so, I do understand...we all have our journeys...some of you are further along then I am...and that's ok...it's all about our own time, our own tollerance, and how we deal with things...

It takes me a very long time to get over things...and to be able to see past my own feelings and look into the souls of others...however, I am learning...

Thank you so much Hope...