a glimmer of hope

[firelight]

Happy to have my daughter willingly accompany me tomorrow on a small Christmas shopping trip for the GK's.  Surprised she accepted my invitation and she will help with picking out the simple gifts I will be giving them and maybe do a lunch. 

I have promised to keep the conversation out of seriousness and to keep it light-hearted.  Going to focus on some much needed and overdue gentle fun for us.  Seems like everytime I have talked to her lately is deadly serious topics of conversation and motherly reprimands.... no one likes that on a constant basis.  Frankly, I need a break from that too.  Trying to keep her near and just enjoy her company for the day.  I have hope that this situation she has chosen to be in will get better in time and improve as she ages.  There is always hope.   

I'm going to take today for what it is....a gift.

[Doe]

 

[Pooh]

Yay!

[sesamejane]

This truly sounds wise...

[luise.volta]

How'd it go, FL?

[firelight]

We're going today around noon, luise.  I have to really concentrate on not butting in and giving motherly advice unless asked for.  (not that I'll always be able to do that....haha...)  For today though, I really want it to be a relaxed, fun day.  Just going to focus on getting the 3 GK's (I have 2 stepGK's besides my lil GD) each a small Christmas gift and lunch!  So far, DD hasn't cancelled on me.

It's a learning experience for me too....who knew when your AC is 25 & married with her own child you'd be still learning more parenting yourself.  That thought never crossed my mind.   She's my one and only other than stepson who is 29.  The learning process never ends! 

[luise.volta]

We;re going with you...tucked in a pocket...over your heart...cyber-family.

[firelight]

Our outing went well for the most part except for when I first got to my DD's & SIL's place. 

I had forgotten my cell phone (something I never do) and I use that to call before I show up so DD can be ready and she just comes out to the car when we're going somewhere.  Well, I had to go knock on the door and someone else living there let me in. (It's a house with a lot of rooms for rent in it).  I went to DD's room and  SIL yells out, "who is it?"  I said it was me and that I had forgotten my cell and I'll wait in the car.  DD said she was almost ready and opened the door......only for me to see the room (I've seen it before and it's about the size of a bedroom) filled with cigarette smoke and my precious GD getting packed into her carseat in a cloud of smoke....no window cracked....just a room filled with smoke and the door shut.  I arrived just in time to see my SIL putting out his cigarette and I wanted to fly across the room and choke him amongst other things.  The room looked like several ciggs were smoked, not just one be even 1 in a small room is way too much with no ventilation (or even with ventilation).  How can he not get his lazy butt off the bed to crack a window and blow the smoke outdoors at the very least or actually go outside for Pete's sake?  I can hardly stand the sight of him.  We don't speak to each other anymore and if I wouldn't have forgotten my cell, I wouldn't have even known about the smoke filled environment or had to see him (except my GD's clothes smelled like smoke the past few times I had her).  I decided to just go ahead and take the baby out to the car and wait for DD to come out.  uuuggghhhh.  I said I wasn't going to say anything motherly but I couldn't believe the amount of smoke in that little room....I could barely breathe myself just standing there at the door.  They both used to go outside to smoke when GD was first born....so what has transpired between then and the 11 mos she turned just today?  I was so disgusted to put it mildly.  In fact, anything I could type here would be insufficient for the way I feel about this situation.   

The nurse that I am (and Grandma) could not restrain herself and did "mention" (nicely as I could muster) to DD that the baby cannot remain healthy under all the smoking conditions and SIL and herself should be going outside to smoke.  I cannot believe I had to even say anything.  Do they not have a brain between the 2 of them (DD & SIL)?  You cannot have smokers and a closed door with no ventilation in a room the size of a bedroom.  I want to pound my head against the wall.....or poke myself in the eye....something!  DD said they "usually do" but I don't believe it.

The last 2 times I had GD to spend the night she had a cold and an occasional cough.  Mostly cold symptoms I thought but now I know why.  Can the baby come up for air already?  Today GD coughed a couple times but her runny nose wasn't as bad as it was last time I had her.  She was actually very happy with the exception of that.  I did mention "hear that cough?  It's a smoker's cough."  I couldn't stop myself.  So, I failed in that dept. today, even though I kept my "reins" on.  I cannot just sit there and watch this stupidity carry on without saying something on behalf the GD.   I was livid inside and tried my best to keep my thoughts to myself for the remainder of the day. 

We actually enjoyed our shopping day together and we got the GK's a Christmas.  It will cut in on DD and SIL's Christmas for certain and I'm perfectly fine with that.  Spent too much and even though the GK's Christmas is slim, it's better than nothing.  (my thought is why the cigarettes remain when no one can provide a minimal normal life for the family?) 

We had a nice lunch at Ponderosa and ate hearty and had nice conversation.  DD told me "This is really nice, Mom."  And told me she loved me a few times today also which I said in return and dearly meant it.  I do love her so much.   I am trying to leave my heart and door open for her and really kept some things I wanted to say to myself.  Other than my comments about the smoking, all the rest of the day was light-hearted.

My no-good SIL called toward the end of our lunch wondering when is DD coming back home.  All he thinks about is himself...no one else.  Still no attempts to find work.  I despise him.  I'm so sorry to be saying this.  I never wanted a divorce for my DD but under the circumstances, this would not break my heart.  I feel horrible for thinking this way, but why lie about it.

The first thing I bought today before we even started shopping for the reason we were out was a small air purifier for about $50.  It was the cheapest one they had.  My DH would be so upset (if he knew) but I am only thinking about GD.  I will tell him eventually but these things have to be done delicately. 

I know I probably shouldn't have bought the GK's Christmas (not talking about my small gifts but the Christmas from DD and SIL).  I can't bear to think of them not having one, and even though I provided very little I think it's better than nothing.  Now I don't want to sound I went and did it and now complaining about it because I wanted to do it if they cannot....however, I am thinking for next year though if things haven't improved in their living conditions (because it is by choice they are on skid row ....hence:  there is no urgency on SIL's part to find work.) then the GK's will just have to go without and I'm going to have to painfully turn my cheek.  I know I should have done it this year but I just couldn't.  SIL & DD can explain why there's no Christmas.  I'll let my DD know this in so many gentle words if and when the time comes.  Fair warning. 

At the very end of the day I actually lovingly offered for DD and GD to stay with us until things get better for them to keep GD out of all that smoke.  (even though DD tells me she & SIL "usually" go outside or open a window, I believe it not or I wouldn't have walked into what I did today and it would be happening.)  I know DD probably won't move back in (we just went down that road and she was here for about a month and then chose to go be holed up with lazy SIL in that "house"),  but she said she appreciated that.  And there I go again...saying stuff I said I wouldn't and tried not to.  I should get some duct tape for my mouth.  My new user name instead of "firelight" should be:  "me and my big mouth".

After our day I came home and showered and attended a pre-planned nice musical type show locally with some girlfriends.  It was a great show that were singers singing a lot of beautiful Christmas songs.  The show injected some humor which was helpful.  We loved it and I really needed it after today to just forget about the bad parts for just a few hours.

[firelight]

P.S.  thanks for listening....now I will go and read some of my own advice I gave recently on this site!  honestly.....

[firelight]

I love your last post, luise....you all were actually there.   

[firelight]

While waiting to get my ticket last night at the theater for the live show, I was behind an elderly mother who's older daughter had a hold of her arm and the daughter was a little unsteady on her feet. The more I was behind them, the more I realized this momma's daughter was also blind. Old momma was describing all the Christmas decorations in the theater lobby to the daughter as we walked along. It was actually very touching to hear them converse. I guess we never stop mothering no matter how old we are.

Made me grateful, once again, for what I have and made me want to cry at the same time.

[Doe]

I enjoyed reading your rendition of the day's events, Fl.  I love that you were able to hold a lot of your thoughts back knowing that you could dump them all here.

I think the fact that they would rather live on their own is a positive sign, though I know you'd rather have them in a better situation.

I hate cig smoke, too, but kids live through these things somehow.  Maybe they went outside when it was warmer, who knows. 

It sounds like it was overall a good day.   Now you know to remember your cell phone for the next visit - it sounds like there will be more.

[nikncon]

You did really well Fl.I think that I would have said a lot more about the smoking than you  did.But the door is a bit more open now.I know that things will get better.You did have a nice day together after all.And that's what counts.

[Pooh]

You did great FL.  You made the day special and fun for you both.  You have a loving and warm heart and it was nice of you to do all of those things for them, even knowing they have their own self in this mess.  You did it from a loving place.  Even your mention of the smoke was done nicely, in my opinion.  Ok, the smoker's cough comment was maybe a little hard, but I'm sure she knew you were coming from a place of love.

I'm very glad it went well.

[firelight]

Wow.  I really did dump here didn't I?!  It's a good thing too.  You're right, Doe, better here than on DD or DH!    I feel so much better just getting it off my chest.  Maybe next time I should write my version then edit it before I even print it here.    How lengthy that was...   

I feel badly about saying it wouldn't hurt my feelings about the divorce thing.  I really don't want to see my GD or DD go through that.  I just want SIL and DD to get it together.   I still hope to have a better relationship with SIL one day but the way he is now, I don't see how it could happen presently.  I'm only  human and don't want to see my DD with someone who simply has no interest in making things better for them.  Nature must take it's course here and I know that.  I know the choice is hers and if  her being with SIL is a mistake, it's hers to make.

yeah, Pooh,  the "smoker's cough" remark was a little harsh but it's true....but I maintained low tones....ha...    

All in all, even though I bit my tongue for the day except for the smoke-filled room part, it was a good day.  I'm glad it happened.  I saw my DD once since then briefly to take an item she requested that she had at my home to them and was warmly welcomed by her with a hug and kisses.....so if I keep on keeping my mouth closed somewhat, maybe we can keep a relationship going.  (what I really wanted to ask was:  "how's that air purifier working?" but I amazingly kept that to myself too)  DD and SIL have burned a lot of bridges, I just don't want to be one of them.....
It's so great to come on here and find some honest opinions and support.  Thank you.