Author Topic: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.  (Read 7914 times)

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Offline herbalescapes

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #45 on: December 25, 2011, 10:07:42 AM »
The Surgeon General has ruled that do-it-yourself, at-home mastectomies can be hazardous to your health.

Merry Christmas everyone!

phillek

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #46 on: December 28, 2011, 02:24:03 PM »
Well, we survived.  Not so surprisingly, MIL was on her very best behavior, trying to show what a wonderful decision we made in inviting her.  Not that I'm complaining that she didn't do or say anything out of line, but it just proves that she is perfectly capable of controlling herself if it is in her best interest to do so.  The worse thing that happened was that we felt obligated to spend the morning with them before they left which took a little chunk of my DM's precious time with us.  We could have certainly said no, so I guess it's our own fault for feeling guilty, but MIL is so needy and DM is so.....not.  Also, MIL hogged the spot next to DS at dinner... now I'm just nitpicking really.  This always happens, though.  She has a couple of days where she's "not so bad" and I am eager to draw her in closer, then she takes the opportunity to take me out at full force.  It's like I open a window to the wall I've put up and she sees that as her cue to break down the door.  I have to keep my guard up constantly, and it's exhausting.  For example, DS and I were playing in a room alone, MIL walks in by herself, and I had to remember to leave the situation immediately in order to take away her opportunity to say somethig rude/guilt trip, etc.  It's sad, really.

Jane F., it sounds like your current MIL situation and mine are similar.  I do believe it is probably tough for any family to admit that an older member needs the kind of support and care you might give a child.  Not sure how long my MIL has been this way, but she certainly has been "off" since I've known her (about 10 years or so).  The main issue I have with her is her... I'm not sure of the right words to describe it... extreme social awkardness??  I'm never totally sure if she means to be rude, which sounds ridiculous if you don't know her because the things she does are things a normal person would obviously never do.  I gave the example in another post of how she called me my DH's ex-GF's name for about a year.  I politely corrected her or ignored her each time, or she caught herself, but she never stopped until I specifically asked her to stop doing it.  Sounds like an awful person, right?  Well, it's confusing, because when I'm with her I just feel uncomfortable and sorry for her; the anger only catches up with me after the fact.

JAOG, I totally agree with you that FIL is not qualified to care for her in that way.  Again, DH wants to stay away from it, so I am in no position to give my opinion on the matter.  I just have to continue to be careful the situations I put myself in, and report anything upsetting to DH, who will report to FIL.  I'm sure nothing I could say to FIL would ever override his own ego, and truthfully, he does know her better than I do.  I'm no more qualified to give him my opinion of his care of her than MIL is to give her opinion of my care of DS.  He continues to treat her like a four-year-old, and she continues to act like one.  He is the one that has to live with her, so whatever works.  The sticky part is when FIL does things like refers to MIL as a "child-care expert" (picture him patting her on the head and saying, "aren't you sweetheart?") and MIL uses that to try guilt me into giving her more say/responsiblity with DS.  It's frustrating because I wan't to shake him and say "She doesn't need MORE self-assurance!  She needs a reality check!" 

On rudeness that may just be social awkwardness... an interesting dig:  My birthday was a couple of weeks ago.  MIL, who is on facebook daily but almost never posts, decided to put up a couple of photos that day.  One baby photo of DH on his first birthday with the caption:  "DH (her DS) on his first birthday, XX/XX.  DS's (her GS) birthday is XX/XX."  The same with another photo of DH on his second birthday.  Both DH and DS birthday were more than a few weeks/months away, so their was no reason to put up the photos that day.  ZERO mention of me, DH's wife and DS's mother, who happened to be having a birthday on that day.  I know she knew it was my birthday - I had a million birthday wishes on my wall and MIL frequently mentions my facebook traffic when she talks to me.  She didn't write on my wall or mention me in another post, but she did call to tell me happy belated birthday the following day.  I didn't mention the photos and neither did she.  I don't expect her to publicly acknowledge my birthday, but why go out of her way to acknowledge DS and DH and leave me out?  It seems like a pretty blatant dig to me, but DH seems to think she is just crazy and doesn't know what she is doing.  But that's her way - when it comes to taking responsiblity for her own actions, she claims incompetence.  On the flip side, she wants to make me feel guilty for not letting her have more responsiblity for DS.  It's a very confusing situation, to say the least.

Doe

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #47 on: December 28, 2011, 05:00:50 PM »
I have a few people that I'm friends with on FB who annoy me but I don't want to unfriend.  I just hide the their feeds so I'm not reminded of them.

phillek

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #48 on: December 28, 2011, 07:55:30 PM »
I have a few people that I'm friends with on FB who annoy me but I don't want to unfriend.  I just hide the their feeds so I'm not reminded of them.

Good idea!  She rarely ever posts, though.  I'll do it anyway :)

Offline Pooh

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #49 on: December 29, 2011, 05:58:08 AM »
You can also restrict her so she can't see any of your posts, without unfriending her.  Muah ha ha ha...I have done that with two people.  It was two people from my past life that really didn't do anything to me for me to unfriend them (Ex's friends) but after hearing from others a few times that XXXXX said you were doing this, XXXX said you got engaged already.....yeah I knew they were just being nosey and anything I put on there, they ran and told everyone!  So, I restricted them so they couldn't see my posts!  Ha ha ha....felt really good to do it that way.  What were they going to say?  Hey, I can't see your wall anymore????  "Hmmm...that's strange.  I wonder if after so many months of never commenting, leaving me a message or anything, FB figures you aren't being active with that friend and just stops showing you their posts?  I had no idea you couldn't see them, of course that would explain why you never left me a good comment?  Weird huh? Ain't technology something?"

I so wanted to be able to say that....but hmmm...they haven't ever said anything.   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Shelby

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #50 on: December 29, 2011, 08:11:33 AM »
two people from my past life that really didn't do anything to me for me to unfriend them (Ex's friends) but after hearing from others a few times that XXXXX said you were doing this, XXXX said you got engaged already.....yeah I knew they were just being nosey and anything I put on there, they ran and told everyone!  So, I restricted them so they couldn't see my posts!

  ;D

Pooh -- you know I absolutely think the world of you.   But . . . .  can you really keep a straight face and call these two folks nosey when you put the info on FB yourself?  I maintain that anything put on the internet is NOT private, and those who assume it is do so at their own risk. 
I never put anything on the internet that I am unwilling for the world to know.   

Offline Pooh

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #51 on: December 29, 2011, 08:30:47 AM »
Yep.  I can call them nosey!  Lol.  I don't ever put anything on there that I care for anyone to see or hear about what I am doing.  There is no expectation of privacy on anything internet.  But people that are on my friends list, that never even "like" a status, picture or comment on anything, but yet seem to always know what I have been doing and telling everyone?  Yep...to me, that's just being nosey about my business.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #52 on: December 29, 2011, 09:38:59 AM »
I have a few people that I'm friends with on FB who annoy me but I don't want to unfriend.  I just hide the their feeds so I'm not reminded of them.

Good idea!  She rarely ever posts, though.  I'll do it anyway :)

I put those kind of people on restricted.  I only joined FB recently (and if you knew my history here about how much I dislike the FB drama you would laugh.)  But I joined to have fun with my sisters, they send me links to videos that I had to log into FB to see so I signed up and somehow I ended up with a bazillion friends.  The people who never comment or say anything I assume just added me to up their friend count or they are nosey LOL.

And, I'm not up to monitoring myself on FB, I'm the same way there that I am everywhere else.  My sisters and I joke a lot and post funny youtubes...things my MIL/SILs would find offensive.  It may sound harsh but I don't care that they wouldn't like it, *I* just don't want the drama.  So on the restrict list they go and I hide their news feed.

Over Xmas one of my SILs was writing a daily reflection of what Xmas meant to her and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  All this time when people come here and talk about FB drama and I say "stay away" "don't listen"...somehow I got caught up in it.  (we changed up tradition this year and only gave to children and stayed at home for Xmas) and her daily reflections were all in response to this.  So blocked she was! 

I think FB is meant to be fun and when it stops being fun, either I go or someone goes off my page!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

phillek

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #53 on: December 29, 2011, 12:01:55 PM »
Facebook is tricky.  I see Pooh's point about nosey people.  I don't post that often, and I'm careful when I do.  I have a wide variety of friends from DH's coworkers to older family to IL, so I never put up anything I wouldn't want everyone to see.  However - here's that social awkwardness again - it is strange to have MIL ask "How's your friend, (name), and her son, (name)?  I know you met at the park the other day."  She  never met these people, so it's just weird!  I can't block her totally though, because she is obsessed with photos of DS and it would be cruel to take them away from her.  I am looking into a photo sharing site, though.  Hopefully I can take care of that soon!

I hid her posts.  It's such a bummer because I would love to look at baby photos of DH, just not when they are used to slight me - sheesh!  How tricky is that?!  It's not like I can say, "How dare you put up adorable photos of my DH and acknowledge my DS on MY birthday!"  I just have to let it go... or pour it all out on this site.  Thanks, ladies!  ;)

phillek

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #54 on: December 29, 2011, 12:44:05 PM »
two people from my past life that really didn't do anything to me for me to unfriend them (Ex's friends) but after hearing from others a few times that XXXXX said you were doing this, XXXX said you got engaged already.....yeah I knew they were just being nosey and anything I put on there, they ran and told everyone!  So, I restricted them so they couldn't see my posts!

  ;D

Pooh -- you know I absolutely think the world of you.   But . . . .  can you really keep a straight face and call these two folks nosey when you put the info on FB yourself?  I maintain that anything put on the internet is NOT private, and those who assume it is do so at their own risk. 
I never put anything on the internet that I am unwilling for the world to know.

I get it.  It's sort of like if you were stuck in a room with a bunch of people and you have a low conversation with one other person.  Another person in the room is looking down at their book, seemingly ignoring you, which is fine because the conversation has nothing to do with them.  Later, they start to ask you detailed questions about your conversation, like they were hanging on every word.  Of course you knew they could hear you, but you can't really understand why they were listening in the first place.  My MIL actually does this, too, now that I think of it!

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #55 on: December 29, 2011, 09:32:06 PM »
I have gotten on and off FB a couple of times bc it just bothers me; I never post anything about myself or family bc of fear of strangers (they can hack in, ya know!) and also bc I don't want to "butt in" on the young folks' goings-on (ILs.)  So i just "like" some photos and stick w the older gals my age, making any post I read about their kids/health, etc.  I don't comment on IL's posts bc it seems an invasion of her privacy; I much prefer emails......

I'm sure you can't block MIL!  (You could always claim it's a mistake, but that wouldn't work, I know.) 

I know some people get off when it causes trouble of some sort; guess they consider their peace and privacy more important than the social side; and when there's a MIL knowing all your business, well....!  I do some IMs to friends as well as email bc I want nothing in my personal life on there for my friends who include tricky relationships...... (I know, that's the purpose of FB!) 

I pretend that I know nothing about anyone's activities that I feel might be offended when I'd say, "Heard you were at a party the other night!"  Ignorance is bliss!

JudyJudyJudy

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #56 on: December 30, 2011, 10:10:24 PM »
I am sure you want your MIL's approval and compliments and it bothers you that she acts the way she does, which sounds self centered to me.  She might just be picking on you because she knows how to push or buttons.  In other words, she knows where your sore spots are and hits there -- which no nice person would do to someone else.

I'm not sure how to advise you to proceed because MILs are sensitive to any insults from their children's spouses and anything you say or do could cause all kinds of problems.  If there was any way you could not let what she says affect you, that would be best and the only way I know how to do that is to heal those sore spots.  That way, you can stand back and look at her for the way she is and feel sorry for her.

phillek

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Re: What do I do about MIL? MILs, I would love to hear from you.
« Reply #57 on: December 31, 2011, 05:54:16 AM »
JAOG, It seems like you have perfect facebook etiquette!

Judy, You are absolutely right.  I just have to get there.