Update on Inlaws

[foofoo]

Hey Everyone,

I don't post often, but my inlaw situation improved rather dramatically, so I thought post and let you all know.  By way of background, I married almost six years ago and my inlaws boycotted my wedding because I was not of the same ethnicity (Vietnamese) as my husband.  For more than five years, my inlaws tried to marginalize me in any way they could and my MIL has never spoken to me, ever, not even hello. 

Well, early last year, DH and I learned we were expecting our third child, a son.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, that this was a huge deal as our son would be the only son of a son in my husband's family.  Apparently, that makes some sort of little mini king.  Starting as soon as we learned it was a boy, they began trying to engage.  My initial reaction was righteous indignation, as I was quite offended that my girls weren't good enough for those people.  Right after DS was born, they began calling literally every three days.  It was always MIL or FIL, dhs siblings, cousins, grandfather, and aunts were taking turns as well, but they literally called every three days for three months. 

DH really wanted to go down and see them and reluctantly, I agreed.  Then, the day we were supposed to go down there, he changed his mind.  This had occured a number of times in the past where I agreed to go and then, at the last minute it would get cancelled either by DH or his family would reschedule the event.  A few days later DH and I had a long conversation about why we didn't go before like we had planned, I finally decided I was tired of us agreeing to go down, me dreading it and then, it getting cancelled at the last minute, so I told him we were going down that weekend cause I wanted to get it over with.  So, we went, MIL still didn't talk to me, but she wasn't nearly as rude as she has been in the past.  Frankly, I think she thought she was being polite by keeping her mouth shut.  So, I chatted with my sister in laws and I told DH that we could do it again in maybe a couple of months, cause I can deal with her not talking to me.  She was nice to the kids, even the girls and my skin is thicker than that.  DH was happy and the kids got to hang out with their cousins.  Hopefully, things will get more normalized as time passes, but I figure that was a pretty big step considering the fact that up until recently, I had never even been in their house.

[Doe]

righteous indignation

I love this!  Still chuckling about that phrase.

It sounds like you are a stranger in a strange land and you are doing the best you can.  I'm glad to hear that progress is being made in the world!

[luise.volta]

Wonderful! Miles can be covered...one step at a time! Sending love...

[Pooh]

That's great foofoo!  Baby steps!

[Sassy]

Perhaps not quite a mini king, but definitely an ambassador.   

[foofoo]

Well, I guess I spoke too soon.  As I mentioned before, we went to visit the inlaws a little over a month ago and they were civil so DH asked if we could go down there for Christmas dinner as well and I agreed.  What a mistake that was.  They were as obnoxious as ever.  Completely ignored my girls, except to insult them.  Fawned over my son and were rude as heck towards me.  DH's grandfather actually yelled at me cause we weren't visiting enough.  I guess he doesn't get the fact that yelling at me is only going to further alienate me.   Oh well, I tried.

[Doe]

I'm curious, foofoo - if these were characters in a movie, would it be a comedy?  They seem so out of sync with the world.

[pam1]

Lesson learned eh, Foofoo?  One thing I noticed with my in laws is that they absolutely cannot behave at any type of holiday gathering.  It won't happen, they cannot manage themselves and emotions on those days.  Sometimes they can be perfectly fine at a random dinner and DH and I would do the same thing....hey, maybe they'll be fine at Tgiving or Xmas....big fat no!  They aren't ever fine at a holiday lol

[firelight]

foofoo,

I think you rock!  You have been the bigger person here for sure and you did make more of an effort than most would have under the circumstances.  Your in-laws sound totally out of touch and shame on them for how they've acted. 

I know this:  If my inlaws would treat my children (even though I only have 1 DD and 1 stepson) the way you are describing how they treated your girls, they wouldn't have to worry about that "irritation" ever again.  No Sir.  I cannot imagine treating 2 GC any differently than the other one.....whether they're girls or boys....I feel that is abusive and unacceptable.  Sad fact is, your babes are their blood GC and it is their (inlaws) loss.

I give you credit for trying.  Your DH sounds lovingly supportive of you (and rightly so).  I wish you the best for your family and would like to think that one day, your inlaws will see the love light.  They either will or they won't.  If they don't, I know it wouldn't be at the expense of my sweet children's emotional expense.  Shame on those inlaws!  Makes you wonder how they were able to produce such a good man that you married.      

[firelight]

pam1,

your post made me have a little chuckle.....it's those darned holidays!   

[foofoo]

Thanks for the support guys.  The really sad thing is the thing that hurt the most was the whole time my inlaws were treating me this way, my husband just stood there like a wet noodle and let it happen.  I won't trust him to protect us again and that is sad.  Oh well, at least I know where I stand.

[firelight]

Shame on him then!  That so sucks.  Bet you can hardly wait for the next dysfunctional family gathering!  I've heard it said with that word: dysfunctiona regarding familiesl:  We put the "d" in dysfunction or the "fun" in dysfunction! 

Guess DH was put in the "doghouse" for now huh. 
Sometimes it's easier for people to stick their heads in the sand, but it makes it very frustrating for the rest of us who haven't !

[foofoo]

Firelight,

I don't think there will be another family function.  I think I'm pretty much done.  One of my friends told me that I should determine whether or not I go down there based upon whether or not I think they are going to make every effort to marginalize me or are they actually going to try to get to know me.  I got my answer on Christmas Day and I don't think I'm going to try again at least not for several years.  There is just no way I'm going to put up with being screamed at there is no way I'm going to tolerate my children being treating differently by their own family members.  Their sibling relationship is far more important to me then any of the in laws or even DH's preferences.  Would you believe one of my SILs only bought a Christmas gift for the boy and said, she couldn't afford to buy for all three.  I just said, Oh okay and I was thinking, then, why didn't you just not buy for any of them.  I would have preferred that.  In retrospect, I probably should of said, "well, then, I'm sorry, but I cannot accept the gift for DS."  But, hindsight is 20/20.

[luise.volta]

Looks to me like you are sorting out your priorities very wisely. Sending love...

[pam1]

I agree, it does sound very wise, Foofoo.