Daughter in law takes off to college, baby and my son stays behind

[Hope]

Paris,
I feel for you, your ds, and your gs.  My gut was telling me that dil's heart was not in the marriage and I know you all have a long road ahead.  You are smart to be going to a counselor - great move.  I'm thankful that you also have this forum to vent and share.  The wise women here will help you through one step at a time.  You are not alone.  Hugs, Hope

[cocobars]

And how great is that, knowing we are not alone!  I remember the difference it made for me when I first realized I had found a place where I could share and not be judged, but joined!  I hope we can all help make that difference for you too Paris!

[2chickiebaby]

it's great to  not be judged, Coco!!!  Absolutely fabulous!!!

[Pen]

Double what they said

[RedRose]

Paris,

Like Hope, I felt your dil's heart was not in the marriage. I know how this is hurting you.

Our situations are not that different.
My only advise right now is to be there for your son and grandchild and I know you will be.

I'll be watching for your updates.

[Paris1950]

Recent update to saga.....DIL saw an attorney this week, now son made an appt with one on Friday.  He is going for full custody of child.  The DIL still comes home staying at my house for the child.  This is the most bizarre situation I have ever encountered.  I hear the plan is for her to continue staying at my house even after the divorce to spend time with child.  I do think the visits will get less n less as time goes on.  My son is talking soon about getting his own apt when divorce is final.  She is really in a hurry.  They still say they are staying good friends...this i cannot believe especially if one of them get involved with someone else.  I hope my son doesn't get involved until he works out his mental state with his counselor after all of this.  He really doesn't need another bad situation and repeat history.   I continue to stay neutral and with the holiday weekend coming up all my family will be staying at my house along with DIL and son heading for divorce soon.  My son still says he is not sure she will go through with it and my feelings are he will be better off if she divorces him.  That is in due time...I don't think this has quite sunk in yet with my son.   

Thanks for all the replies and support I appreciate very much....Happy Easter to everyone!!

[cocobars]

Well Paris, you're right.  This is truly a bizarre situation, but then I'm not sure any divorce or custody is understandable or normal.  Good for you for staying neutral, even though I know it's not an easy task for a mother to do.  It is possible and you're doing it!  And DS is smart and loves his son.  I'm so happy he is asking for full physical custody, and I agree with you concerning DIL.  Her visits may get more and more scarce - it's hard to tell but with the comments she has made to you, I would believe the same thing.

I know this is a hard thing for your son, but with you there supporting him and loving him and your GC, I believe he will see the whole thing through and come out the other end of it.  It's good he is staying in counselling (did you say he was?).  He will get alot of good information and support there too which will help him.  I guess the question I have is how are YOU feeling?

Keeping you all in my heart and prayers, and sending you hug hugs...

[Hope]

Paris,
I agree with you - that it would be best if they did go through with the divorce.  Since your dil is in a rush for the divorce, it seems likely that she is in another relationship.  Since she's in a hurry, your son may have an advantage with the custody and settlement.  Sending love and big hugs, Hope

[cremebrulee]

Paris

How does your son feel about DIL coming there and spending time...?  Seems to me and forgive me, if I'm overstepping boundaries...I don't want to hurt your feelings...however, that is your home and your first priority is your son, not DIL?  Right?  I would sit down and explain to son, that now, isn't a good time to make hasty decissions...to simply work thru this...as best he can...and discuss this issue with him of DIL coming to the house?  Ask him how he feels about it....then, explain to him, that the nicer you and he are to DIL right now, the easier the divorce will go...and the easier he will obtain custody.  If you make things hard on her now, she may really get mean...I don't know, you know her better, but what I do know is, when divorce happens, you realize, you never really knew that person at all, b/c the ugliest of ugly comes out...

So in order to proceed smoothly, my thoughts are, to make this easy on son and her....?  And I could very well be wrong...however, making it easy on one party, makes things easier all the way around...it is best to not make any decision on anger or revenge...b/c in these cases, it always seems like woman have the upper hand, and I do know that laws are different in different states...and all situations are different...

I'm so surprised at her behavior....I was hoping she was simply trying to do better by both of them...and I'm so sorry about this...

This woman now scares me a little....it seems she moves on ulterior motives...which is to her behalf, without thoughts for others, including her child. 

Do you see her as a selfish person?  This all seems so bizarre....and I'm wondering if she's using you?  Or is son ok with her coming there?  I mean, it doesn't seem to me, like she realizes any one else's feelings?  And that is what scares me, b/c I'm thinking if you forbid her to come there...she may really get nasty, take the child and really go after your son financially? 

I don't know Paris, this situation totally has me amiss...on the other hand, if you are nice to her, and allow her to stay there, she could come and go as she pleases, and one day take your grand child back with her? 

Does she have family living where you do? 

I don't know what to think or say....I really don't....

[DDM]

Paris, on one hand I am sorry DIL has decided to go ahead with the divorce. I hate to see families break up especially when there is a child. On the other hand it beats waiting for the shoe to drop. Your son can now start to move forward. I'm sure there will be a lot of emotional upheaval over the next little while. Your support will be very important for your son.

I am curious as well about your DIL's family. Do you have a relationship there? Are they in the same area? Have you had any feedback from them about this situation?

[cocobars]

DDM, I hope you don't get upset with me, because I hate to disagree but I do think differently as far as her family goes.  I wouldn't call them and get their take on any of this.  My reasons being that they may just decide to get involved in the battle over who will have the GC, and that would fuel the already bad situation.  To me getting their take is like opening a can of worms and I would sit still and stay as neutral as possible.  That's just how I would feel though and I realize not everyone will agree with that.

[2chickiebaby]

DDM, I hope you don't get upset with me, because I hate to disagree but I do think differently as far as her family goes.  I wouldn't call them and get their take on any of this.  My reasons being that they may just decide to get involved in the battle over who will have the GC, and that would fuel the already bad situation.  To me getting their take is like opening a can of worms and I would sit still and stay as neutral as possible.  That's just how I would feel though and I realize not everyone will agree with that.

I agree with you, Coco...goodness, what a can of worms they would open, In my opinion.

[cocobars]

That's how I feel too, Chickie.  I just would keep my mouth shut and avoid that call like the plague, especially without knowing their take on all this.  Hopefully, without doing that, the divorce and custody issues will go smoother...

And Paris, I remember your son's appointment today and want you to know that I'm keeping all of you in my prayers.  I really hope he finds a good attorney and all goes smoothly.  From what you have said here, it should work out - and DS will have physical custody.  The fact that you are there for him and ready to support and help him will come back on you (I believe).  Keep your chin up as much as you can.

Sending you hugs and PINGS!   Please pass a hug around to DS and GS too!

[DDM]

Hey guys I'm not upset with your comments at all. I was just really curious. I don't remember Paris mentioning the MIL or FIL in any of her posts. I just wondered if they were in the picture. If they don't have a relationship with the GC that will make things much less complicated for sure. It's kind of sad though. Maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

[cocobars]

Yes DDM, I agree with you.  The apple usually has part of the tree inside.  I believe we call them "seeds!"  I am hoping for Paris and her family, the seeds don't sprout and grow.  It would be a can of worms that I wouldn't want to bite into an apple to find!  I hadn't even thought of it until your post and this is such a good point!  Let's hope they haven't either...

Thanks for the idea DDM.  It's really something to be careful and watchful of.  I hope you read all of these Paris.