Daughter in law takes off to college, baby and my son stays behind

[RedRose]

Although, I feel it is commendable to want to further your education so you are able make better career choices...but...when you have a husband (or Wife) and a baby I feel your priorities should be your family first.  There are many people that have families and go to school and work. If the family is suffering because of her choices she needs to adjust to make everybody happy...or...maybe she just doesn't care.

[DDM]

I think Laststraw has made some valid comments. The decision to move away for school was probably done with the best of intentions. However, if the marriage cannot survive the separation, the sacrifice for her son's future will be mute.

Paris, you should not lose sight of the fact this was a decision made by both your son and DIL. The fact that it is not working out for his family is something he needs to address and find a way to fix. It seems to me he has been dragging his feet and allowing a problem to morph into a possible crisis that is threatening the future of his family. Moping around, depressed, declaring his love for her will not change a darn thing. He has to insist that the two of them sit down and decide what is best for everyone - him, her and most of all their child. If living apart is harming the relationship they need a new plan. Either she comes home or he moves there. There will be benefits and drawbacks in either case but at least they will have each other. I think your son needs to step up here, be the leader not the victim. Having said that, I do empathize with your son and can understand how depressing it must be separated from your wife, selling your home, moving back home and having your mother raising your child. I'd be depressed too.

[Sassy]

Son and DIL seem to love and trust you very much.  You are a partner, and a godsend, in raising their child.

Each has told you their innermost fears.  IMHO, DIL's don't go for a walk and share their deepest and potentially devastating concerns of their marriage with their MIL, unless they're hoping for a gentle hand of trusted and loving support to help weather the marriage through these rocky times. 

Each hasn't told the other, as far as we know.  That may be a good thing.  Its a good sign that DS is looking for a job near his DW.  The sooner he gets down there, the better.  Their original plan was postponed too long and the absence did a number on them.  Despite everything, these married parents of that terrific little boy are still a couple.  IMHO, they need to be living together as a couple, and a family, to make it. 

They lived togther for 3 years before marrying, I think in someone else's home?  Have DIL and DS ever lived alone as a couple? Or ever alone with their child, as a family? 

Your DIL may enjoy living alone so much, mainly because she's only comparing it to living with or very close to someone's (hers or his) parents.   She may never had privacy before. 

What DIL doesn't know, and what I wish I could tell her, is there's also a privacy between married couples, and easy freedom together if they're compatible, that she may never have experienced.   DIL may enjoy her newly parent-free life, like it is normal to do, but not knowng living with your own family in your own private household together, is the best of privacy and independence, and the thrill of love, and the comfort of a soft place to land, and the joy of easy friendship and companionship.  DIL would be pleased to discover a woman can be a fun, busy, independent woman enjoying running her very own household, when she has a husband as in love with her as you say DS is, and sweet child as well. 

This marriage needs a chance to be a real marriage.   Or at least be in the same town.  It's not your responsibility, by any means.  Just showing support to DS in his decision to try and save his marriage and family, can help guide that little grandson's almost broken-home to a chance at staying together.

[cocobars]

Actually, I have to admit that laststraw and DDM are both making sense here.  I do believe that they may be going through some things in counselling that probably shouldn't be interferred in.  By the same token, I wouldn't place myself in the middle of a situation with my DIL telling me intimate things about her marriage to my son.  It's not my marriage and I shouldn't be included, not would I want it.  It's just not my place, and I do realize that is simply my own opinion.

Other than talking to my son and finding out how he felt (since this is his marriage and not mine), and asking my DIL not to involve me, but to save her information for her counsellor,  my own hands would be tied.  It's hard to "guess" what is going on in someone else's relationship (when I would be missing alot of facts), and I believe things always look worse from the outside looking in.  I can only hope they work things out and start over.  I agree with counselling and can only hope things will work out for them.  That's just my opinion and I know everyone will not agree.

[cocobars]

P.S.- Just to clarify, I wouldn't want details about their marriage from my son either.  What I would want to know though, is that the welfare of my GC is being considered.

[cocobars]

Son and DIL seem to love and trust you very much.  You are a partner, and a godsend, in raising their child.

Each has told you their innermost fears.  IMHO, DIL's don't go for a walk and share their deepest and potentially devastating concerns of their marriage with their MIL, unless they're hoping for a gentle hand of trusted and loving support to help weather the marriage through these rocky times. 

Each hasn't told the other, as far as we know.  That may be a good thing.  Its a good sign that DS is looking for a job near his DW.  The sooner he gets down there, the better.  Their original plan was postponed too long and the absence did a number on them.  Despite everything, these married parents of that terrific little boy are still a couple.  IMHO, they need to be living together as a couple, and a family, to make it. 

They lived togther for 3 years before marrying, I think in someone else's home?  Have DIL and DS ever lived alone as a couple? Or ever alone with their child, as a family? 

Your DIL may enjoy living alone so much, mainly because she's only comparing it to living with or very close to someone's (hers or his) parents.   She may never had privacy before. 

What DIL doesn't know, and what I wish I could tell her, is there's also a privacy between married couples, and easy freedom together if they're compatible, that she may never have experienced.   DIL may enjoy her newly parent-free life, like it is normal to do, but not knowng living with your own family in your own private household together, is the best of privacy and independence, and the thrill of love, and the comfort of a soft place to land, and the joy of easy friendship and companionship.  DIL would be pleased to discover a woman can be a fun, busy, independent woman enjoying running her very own household, when she has a husband as in love with her as you say DS is, and sweet child as well. 

This marriage needs a chance to be a real marriage.   Or at least be in the same town.  It's not your responsibility, by any means.  Just showing support to DS in his decision to try and save his marriage and family, can help guide that little grandson's almost broken-home to a chance at staying together.

It seems to me that this is DIL Day!  Sassy, I believe your insight is clear and well thought out.  I can only hope the counsellor is thinking along the same lines...

Sending you big hugs!

[Pen]

It's good to know the GC is being cared for by the most loving care provider possible. I don't know what to think about all the other stuff...I understand the desire to further oneself, but it breaks my heart to see a family in pain and a child missing his/her mom. Sometimes I wish I had been bolder about finishing my degree, but DDD needed me at home for therapy, special care, etc. We could certainly use the larger income I could bring in now with a better education, but we made the decision to be there for her and that's the way it went.

I agree that many wise posts have been made here!

[Paris1950]

Thank you for your opinion.   I tend to think if she wanted to do all of this why did she have a child, and then the summer before her leaving she tried to get pregnant again.  That is wonderful to better yourself.  What about the children?  Do they care at this age if their mother has money.  I think the child would prefer mom's love and attention.  The child of 3 years old cannot understand his mom's vacancy.  I know the two parents have problems and believe me I see what my son is capable of, we had words yesterday.  I see a very stubborn, controlling, jealous son.  He won't even listen to me when we spoke.  He has always been Mr Know it all as a teen.  I guess it is still there in his 30's. 

I am from the old school.  I was poor also, but I didn't leave my kids to go off someplace and ignore them.  I waited until they were in school and old enough to understand, then I went back to nursing school.  My children always came first and foremost.

Thank you again for your reply and good luck to you.

[cocobars]

Hi Paris.  I certainly understand your thoughts and feelings.  You're in a tough situation and hanging on hoping things can get better is hard.  You are right about the GC not caring at this age whether they have money.  My guess is that if she's a med student, then money is squeaky at best.

Hang in here and listen to all the opinions.  Remember they are just opinions, and only you know what feels right for you!  I feel you were given some great insights here, but those are just my feelings and I am not "walking in your shoes."  Keep posting and listening, because what I've found is that sometimes you will receive an idea or a perception that just "hits you." We are not always right when we are looking at someone else's situation.  The compassion may be there, but without actually being there it's hard to guess at.

I do believe that your son is trying his very best to work things out, and because your DIL is taking the time off her studies (which are guelling for a med student) to go through this counselling, I think her heart is in the right place too!  I really believe things are going to work out for them if they keep working together.  I also believe that when (not if) these things fall into place, you will be seeing a whole different picture of your son's life and marriage.  This day and age, sometimes the woman is the breadwinner and it is becoming more and more common for men to take the role of support.  It sounds to me like this may be the case, but I realize this is more of a "hope" on my part.

The best thing I think I would do, is be available.  Stay out of the line of fire (personally I wouldn't want their input on personal issues - this is their relationship, not mine), and be there when you are needed.  It never hurts to pass out hugs either!  Everybody likes to know they have some warm fuzzies like that when they are going through so much!

Especially you - Sending those hugs right away!  I hope you feel them!

[cocobars]

And yes Paris, what about that GC.  Those are questions I feel you have the right to ask.  As a grandmother, I feel that is something I am allowed - knowing what the plans for my grandchildren are.  And I always want to know they are part of the equation.  I like to know they are important.  They are to me!

[DDM]

Paris, I hear the frustration in your post and I don't blame you one bit. As adults your son and DIL have every right to make their own decisions but they also have to take the responsibility. It seems to me they have unfairly put much of their responsibility onto you. Why should you be housing a capable, working adult son? Why should you be raising their child? They have not only disrupted their own lives they have disrupted yours. The fact that their decision directly involves you, gives you every right to be involved and give your opinion. They chose to make you part of this whole mess. That gives you a say. IMO

[Paris1950]

New development and update on my situation this weekend.  The DIL was home this weekend visiting, She plain and simply wants a divorce, she loves living on her own and loves being separated from marriage and child.  She is very angry when she tells me.  She just said I have had enough and I like myself so much better on my own.  She told my son, and my son is in denial.  He wants to work things out.  I also found out she promised my son when she packed up and left that if their mariage was in trouble she would quit school and my son asked her about this in the couple counseling session and she just said too bad I lied.   Meanwhile my son still have hope and I just mentioned I don't think she wants to work this out.  I also mentioned to him please stay in his counseling to help him through all of this, and help him change some of his thinkings so he won't end up with another woman with a disfunctional family background.  Granted my son is not innocent in all of this either it takes two.  I am still think the DIL has someone in the wings she just has the attitude and look, and she gets made if my son even hugs or touches her.   She conitinues to visit every other weekend to see her son at my home.  I truly think those visits will start getting further and further apart.  She will not allow my son to drive down there anymore and visit.  I have to try and stay neutral until they  decide this divorce is going to the attnys....what a mess//.  Thank god the DIL wants me to keep the baby with me for now until my son  can function alone.   

I want to thank everyone who has given their opinion on my situation.  I am in pain, and walk on eggshells and I have also my self made an appt to see a counselor to unload all this pent up feelings and I am not sure where i fit in on all of this.   

[cocobars]

Paris, I'm so sorry!  I was hoping that this weekend was going to be a step better with the counselling session on Saturday.  I do think you are doing something good for yourself by making that appointment.  This whole situation is confusing and I can understand it making you feel as though you don't know where you belong.  When I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, the stress feels like it's coming out of the top of my head and I can't think straight about anything. 

I also believe your son is in alot of pain too, and I'm glad you talked to him about staying in individual counselling for himself.  I have to admit it does sound as if DIL has something going on if she really doesn't want her husband to come visit and shrinks away from his kisses or touches.  He is going to need support too.  Of course he wants to work things out, you raised him to be the man he is and you did a good job!

It sounds like you are doing everything you can right now and I know this is hard for all of you!  I am happy the GC is staying there with you.  Do you think you should talk to your son about getting custody papers while the GC is still under your roof?  I'm no attorney, but believe the fact that she is leaving your GC with you and DS (the father), it would be easier for your son to gain custody and keep it.  I don't know where you live, but Virginia State leans more toward the mothers.  Basically, the mother would have to not want her child at all here before the father would get custody, but the fact that your GC is already there may make a difference.

These are all things that may be mentioned in counselling too!  You will have support and ideas there that will help you work through the emotions and even the details.  Keep us posted here!  I believe I would want all the support and understanding I could get if I were you and I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'm sorry all of you are.

Sending you hugs, Paris.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

[2chickiebaby]

Paris, I'm so sorry...and I do hope you do go to counseling because you're in the middle and it's not a good place to be.  He , your son, will be far better off without her but it will take some time for him to get there. 

[momX3]

Paris,
My heart aches for you and your son. 

You raised a great son ans that is why he has stuck by DIL as long as he has.
DIL sounds like she has some issues to deal with, as I am not sure that she herself knows what she really wants.

Stay strong for your son and GS.  They need you more than ever now.

My thoughts are there with you.