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I guess I'm not trying as hard as I thought I was ...

Started by Scoop, December 12, 2011, 06:21:07 AM

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Keys Girl

Quote from: Scoop on December 13, 2011, 06:26:47 AM
Where she gloats that she can treat me however she wants and I still come back for more.  And THAT one bugs me.

As for the IL's gifts, it's 12 days until Christmas and I don't know that DH has picked anything up yet.  I can't see him getting them a goat, but you never know.  Actually, that's not true, we have a "Grandma" picture frame (that my Mom suggested for her) and a small game.  Not what we usually spend, but that may be IT for MIL.

Scoop, it sounds like you are just as angry at yourself as you are with her and your husband.  It's not an easy place to be.  I would delegate everything to your husband......they are HIS parents.......but it sounds as if he's leaving you to catch the flak that he's probably caught all his life. 

The only thing that I can tell you is that my experience with these people is that they are some of the most miserably unhappy people on the planet and only happy when they can pull other people into their orbit.   The only solution that I have found over the years is to get away from them and put as much distance between them and me.  I would suggest that you stop trying so hard........slowly and subtly fill up the calendar with engagements with people who bring joy and laughter into your life. 







"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Scoop

You're right Keys Girl, I am angry at myself.  I don't like playing these games.  I don't want to leave it all up to DH.  But it's like Shelby (?) said, it's just like a MIL who wants a good relationship with her DIL but the DIL doesn't want it.  There's nothing I can do about it.  So I have to let it go.

I sent the card.  I added photos.  I'm going to go there at Christmas and smile and have the best time I can.  My lovely dear SIL will be there, with her lovely dear family - so that is one bright spot.  Also, DD is so excited about Christmas this year it's not even funny.  Wait, it's actually HILARIOUS.  She wants me to tell her what we got her, she promises she'll forget!  And she asked for the expensive things from Santa, because the stuff from Santa is FREE!  She Believes SO HARD this year.

Ooh - we'll bring wine!  That always helps!  Or Amaretto & eggnog - YUMMY!

Sassy

QuoteScoop, a dear friend gave me some advice regarding gifts for my DIL & SM. She suggested buying something obviously inexpensive, but not blatantly cheap, if that makes sense. The recipient will know what the gift is implying, but if she complains she looks like a greedy meany. You will get your point across, but won't look bad to everyone else (oh yeah, don't tell DH your scheme! He will see his mom receive what looks to him like a perfectly generous gift.) Continue to smile, enjoying everyone else's company, be gracious and oh so sweet - but don't engage with MIL other than brief, generic polite-talk...no one will be able to say that you treated MIL less than charitably, but MIL will get it.
I did this with SM & DIL, and it worked - at least I felt better! It's kind of an amusing little secret I carry around with me when I am forced to socialize with them; keeps me going when the going gets tough.

:(   I would prefer no item to one that not-so-secretly implies I am less-than.   To me, that is not a gift at all.     

sapphire

Scoop, the high road does have its rewards! It might not be the reward we expect or should get, but it's there. Kudos to  you for sending the card. I, too, will be smiling away at our holiday events.

Sassy, that is exactly what I was trying to say, although I was rather gruff about it. I'm sorry for that.

Shelby

This thread has me rethinking DIL's Christmas gift this year.  I was all set to leave her off any list - since
1.  she never acknowledged Christmas last year - either towards us or by thanking us for her gift, and
2.  she felt quite comfortable ignoring GFIL's near death illness and GMIL's actual death. 

DH, who is not prone to drama (which is one reason I hash and re-hash here rather than drive him nuts) - was quite hurt that his parents' travails (doesn't death qualify as a travail?) would seem so trivial to DIL as to not even receive an honorable mention.  Oh, well.  So he is opposed to any gifting to her.  Not indifferent.  Firmly opposed. 

I, being the pleaser and always wanting to be the MIL who never criticizes, am conflicted.  DIL was quite callous this year - so if ever there was a time to break with the gifting, that time is now.  (after all, we can't count on so many major events in future years to serve as a backdrop for her self-centeredness to be on display).  So I was all set to drop any pretense of gifting with DIL this year. 

Now this thread makes me doubt myself.  Pooh with her gosh-darn instinct to take the high road makes me think I should try to do the same.  Gosh darn that Pooh.  I wish I didn't respect her opinion so much.  It would be easier to ignore that way.   ;)

Truth be told, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Key's goat suggestion.  Thank you Keys.  I definitely love you.    :-*

DH is taking the boys on a stag ski trip for a few days before Christmas.  They have been told that is their gift - and they are all fine with that.  Thrilled, actually.  Daughters have already received their gifts - in terms of $$ contributions towards major purchases in their lives.  (I prefer to get them an experience they really want, or help with a major purchase they want, rather than try to pick out clothing or electronics that will not be to their liking).   So there will not be tangible items under the tree for anyone - 

I was fine with skipping DIL this year.  Then Pooh and some of the rest of you have me feeling guilty.   What to do?  (in addition to the goat, of course.)  ;D


pam1

Shelby, do what you feel is right.  That's all you can do.  I think the amount of thought you're putting into this is indicative of how much you do care and hopefully whatever you decide your DIL will be able to see that too.  Although, that's probably a too charitable way to look at it but you know your own heart and don't need her validation.

To be honest, I like the goat idea too.  I love getting charitable donations in my name, so far I haven't received any to a charity that I would find offensive.   Not everyone likes the idea of receiving a charitable donation in their name so I guess you have to know your audience.  And the intent behind it, if it is to make a point it probably won't be well received and the recipient will know what you're doing.

I feel like a Grinch every time around this year since marrying DH and dealing with his FOOs holiday shenanigans -- no more!  Take back your holidays, do what you feel is right and make you feel good.  Whether it's giving or not giving, you got to live with yourself at the end of the day.  Not them lol....thank goodness :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Scoop

Shelby - as the DIL not getting a present, I'll tell you -- to me, it's my MIL putting another nail in the coffin of our relationship.  (Just like me NOT sending a card would have been.)

I guess it depends, do you care if it's YOU hammering in the nails?  If the relationship is totally kaput, then sure, take a pass on DIL's gift.  But if there's a glimmer of hope, of her maturing, of you being satisfied with a DS and Chilly DIL vs no relationship, then give her something.

You don't have to go all out.  A gift card to a store or a restaurant or to a mani/pedi place, for an 'okay' amount is enough.

Shelby

Quote from: Scoop on December 13, 2011, 10:02:33 AM
Shelby - as the DIL not getting a present, I'll tell you -- to me, it's my MIL putting another nail in the coffin of our relationship.  (Just like me NOT sending a card would have been.)

I guess it depends, do you care if it's YOU hammering in the nails?  If the relationship is totally kaput, then sure, take a pass on DIL's gift.  But if there's a glimmer of hope, of her maturing, of you being satisfied with a DS and Chilly DIL vs no relationship, then give her something.

You don't have to go all out.  A gift card to a store or a restaurant or to a mani/pedi place, for an 'okay' amount is enough.

Scoop -  DIL has been nailing the coffin shut - literally this year as GMIL died a couple of months ago and my dear GFIL never heard a peep from her.  I have been the one keeping the pseudo-relationship on life support.  I don't think my not gifting DIL is at all like your MIL not gifting you.  Your MIL has not made the efforts, excused the lapses that I have.  Not accurate for your MIL and I (or Doe, Pen, Amflautist, Pooh, Begonia, etc. etc. etc.) to be put in same category as your MIL.  For your thinking to be colored by your MIL's rudeness is most understandable - (and you'd probably love any of us as MILs) - but we don't stand in YOUR MIL's shoes. 

The better analogy would be -- if YOU were to quit gifting, as you have been the one making the effort, and your MIL has been rude, etc.  If YOU quit gifting, I would not describe it as your hammering the nails in the coffin - rather as you giving yourself much deserved relief. 
JMO.


sapphire

I think it is entirely possible that a halting of gift giving is a welcome relief for the receiver too. There have been several people in  my life that we have just made a deal and agreed...no gift giving. It was great because we each put it out there, so neither of us is wondering why we don't get anything or if we should buy something. I think, although I do still shop for MIL, that it would make it easier to have the expectation of gift swapping removed.

Sassy

Sapphire, I did not get to your reply yet when I wrote mine.   

Scoop, you've settled the card question.  If you are wondering about a gift for MIL, and DH wants you to handle all gift giving duties, then I think a family gift for both FIL and MIL, shipped by the company before your arrival, and addressed to them both, may be the way to go.   One of the food companies, coffee or edible arrangements.   A collection of holiday CD's or DVD's would also be an appropriate family style gift.   Perhaps you can think of it as a host and hostess gift.

I would not send a birthday gift to someone who didn't send one to me.  I would take it for what it is, that the person did not want to exchange birthday gifts anymore. And yes, be relieved.  If DH asked  to send MIL a birthday gift anyway, I would remind him it's inappropriate and say "I would not want to embarass someone, especially your mother, that way. "

elsieshaye

Quote from: sapphire on December 13, 2011, 10:39:44 AM
I think it is entirely possible that a halting of gift giving is a welcome relief for the receiver too.

I agree with this.  My XSIL used to go over the top with the gift giving, and it felt like a debt, honestly.  Especially since I couldn't reciprocate, and honestly found holidays quite depressing due to custody issues, etc.  I haven't heard a peep from her all year gift-wise (she'd send them for ALL holidays), and it's been a relief.  I know that from her end, she's doing it because she feels hurt and unappreciated by her nephew (my DS), so from her end it feels like a hostile act, but DS didn't perceive it that way, and I certainly won't either.  I'm hoping she doesn't send anything for Xmas or my birthday either, because it just feels awkward and uncomfortable to me.  I know, I'm a little weird... :)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

Now Shelby, I'm like a fungus....you can't ignore me!  ;D  Nah, seriously, everyone's situation is different and I'm sure people think I'm bonkers at times.  I still actually do take hostess gifts everywhere I am invited and most people just kind of look at me and go, "Ummm Thank you...you didn't have to do that" because I think that's becoming such a thing of the past in most families.  So, I've admitted I'm weird before and I still stand by my own self proclamation!


Well, my Mother just inspired me to write this.  I just got a magazine subscription in the mail for photography!  She knows that I mentioned how much I have been enjoying taking pictures.  So, how about something like that?  If you know enough about them to know something they like, their are so many choices, not real expensive and you don't have to even see them in person!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Sassy - DH has been on his own re: gifts for the IL's since the LAST time they 'skipped' my birthday.  Let's just say the thoughtfulness of the gifts and the level-of-care put into the wrapping has gone downhill.

I wasn't quick on my feet, because we could easily have NOT given MIL a birthday gift, and I could have kept it for myself.  Oh well.

Shelby - I still think it would be *me* putting nails in the coffin of our relationship.  As soon as I wrote it, it felt TRUE.  And the thing is, I want to be (mostly) blameless with respect to how our relationship has become.  I want to be able to hold my head up and say that none of it is *MY* fault.  Meaning the poor relationship MIL & DH have and also the fact that DD had to write about her GP's for a school project and wrote about her paternal GP's that "she doesn't see them very often".  My Mom would WEEP if that was written about her.  (DD wrote that my mom "likes to play with me".  She wrote that my Dad likes to build things, and didn't feel the need to add that he died almost 3 years ago.)

Pooh

My thought on the receiver might be relieved?  They could be totally true in a situation where the receiver is not gifting anyone with hopes that everyone will catch on.  But in Scoop's case, knowing that everyone else is receiving gifts doesn't say that to me.  It says to me that MIL excluded her on purpose.  We did away with all gifts, except children in my family and it was a relief to everyone, because it was getting harder financially on people and no one really needed anything.  But it was across the board. 

Scoop, I think you did the right thing by sending the card.  That was very nice of you. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Thank you Pooh.

I agree with the relief.  The year that we told our siblings that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts was a relief for everyone.  We still send birthday cards and Christmas cards, because we do love each other.  But we spend our money on ourselves and they spend their money on themselves and everyone's happy.

For us, it also came at a time when SIL & BIL were hurting for money (they had 2 kids and SIL was a SAHM).  I think it was easier (and less embarrassing for them) for us "richer" siblings to call the end to gift giving.