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I guess I'm not trying as hard as I thought I was ...

Started by Scoop, December 12, 2011, 06:21:07 AM

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Begonia

I'm with Doe on this one:  I think we all need to just stop buying gifts when we resent doing so or scheme about it or try to figure out how to "get by" with this or that.  And I have been on the receiving end of gifts that were RE-gifted a few times.  UGH, that is horrible.  One thing that is thoughtful is a poinsettia plant...how can you go wrong with that?  Or a big bag of pistachios--who doesn't like those? Or some of those lovely rosettes from the bakery in a beautiful box with ribbon?  Or assorted cheeses...at least these things are not on sale or close out and are not RE-gifted. 

So this year I sent a family gift card to DS, DD and D sister to a big box "hardware" store with the "suggestion" they buy Christmas lawn ornaments/lights that will last over the years.  But next year I am only sending a goodie box, no gift cards at all.  And I have more "stuff" than I want, as do most of my friends I talk to. Nothing is worse during the holiday than to unwrap something that has been around the block a few times....you know nobody wants it, why give it to me?  My sister, love her to pieces, is a last minute shopper so she just grabs S---tuff that makes little or no sense.  But when we are together she buys me lovely things...like a coffee cup at the coffee shop, or a sweatshirt at a place we are staying...she is a gift all year long.  But Christmas, not so much... ::)
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

pam1

I think when you're single it's easier to just not gift to those who do not gift you or whom you don't like.  It's another thing entirely when they gift your children, IMO, an example has to be set.  If you're not willing to gift, then the gifts shouldn't be accepted either IMHO. 

It's also not something I think a wife can unilaterally decide, her husband has to be on board too.  Rock and a hard place.  My suggestion is just to leave it in DHs lap entirely, he can make sure the kids write the thank you notes, send out gifts on his family behalf etc.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

QuietStorm

Quote from: tryingmybest on December 12, 2011, 08:25:36 AM
Maybe they just don't give b'day gifts to in- laws.

Not to hijack this post, but are there families that do this?  Is that acceptable to treat in-laws as different from blood relatives? I'm a little sensitive because I heard my MIL say to my DH once that "...from a non-blood member" referring to me.  Sorry once again for hijacking a bit.

sapphire

December 13, 2011, 05:02:15 AM #18 Last Edit: December 13, 2011, 06:51:15 PM by luise.volta
No I don't think it's acceptable. Then again, I don't stew over people not getting  me birthday presents either. I don't miss what I don't get. I'm not entitled to get gifts b/c it is my birthday or Christmas or any other day. If someone gets me something heartfelt, it's appreciated.

I think "sending messages" with gifts where everyone else is in the room is clueless is the definition of passive aggressive. I'm glad you felt better, but as someone who just received a packet of holiday napkins from my MIL's big trip overseas with this long disgusting letter about how she thought of me when she bought them. she saw the "value" in them and thought of me, and frankly, it's hurtful. It doesn't make me want to be around her for the holiday this year. If that is the thought, I'd rather not get thought of at all. I know my MIL isn't two-bit cheap considering the beautiful gifts purchased for my DH and child. So, her intent was to make me feel as if she could have cared less and just picked up the first thing she saw at a grocery store, that could be picked up at any Wal-Mart here.

Nope, I can't say anything b/c you're  right, I would "appear" greedy meany, when it isn't about greed at all. So, I get to manage these feelings that make me feel petty and ridiculous...after reading your post, maybe that was her intent all along....but she would have done a lot better to just passed on the "gift" altogether. It's little wonder why I'm not jumping for joy when it  comes time to vist them. MIL isn't exactly paving the way to make my stay enjoyable. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Scoop, send the card. Doing things out of spite doesn't  give you a one-up, and chances are, MIL won't see it that way. You'll just be giving her the satisfaction and validation as to why she doens't do the things she should be. Be the better person. MIL can get me a truckload of napkins for all I care, I still searched high and low for her gift this year and I am hopeful for it to be here before our trip down there.  I think a message of "I don't care what you got me, I am still going to treat you as a I treat everyone else, because I care about people" is a lot better than gifts that send a message that is belitting of the receiver.

Keys Girl

Scoop, I would do whatever you do with everyone else, send the card......and a goat.  I hear that some people are getting together to buy a goat for a village somewhere in Africa that doesn't have milk.  Name the goat after her....sounds like there might be more than a passing resemblance to her personality...........as for the birthday gift, I would go out and buy myself something lovely every time she doesn't give you a gift or something crummy for your birthday.  Look forward to every year that she doesn't give you anything because.............you have all year to pick out and look forward what you are going to buy for yourself because of that.  Make sure it's expensive.

If you don't send her a card or anything then that sends hostility back to the receiver and more importantly tells the receiver that her message of malice is being understood, has hit the mark and she will secretly enjoy that.  Deprive her of that enjoyment and the glint in her eye that says "I made Scoop angry, I have the power to keep doing it". 

Don't give her the power to make you stew, she will dance a jig behind your back. 
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

pam1

Exactly, KG!

Sometimes I think along those lines too, what can I give her back or do so she understands but then I realize she is *waiting* for me to do something like that.  Any time we have talked to clear the air about our relationship she has *nothing* on me because I haven't done anything to her.

To be honest though, it has nothing to do with her -- it makes me feel good knowing that I have not stooped to her level. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

phillek

How I wish my MIL would not give me gifts.  She seems to use them as a way to make me feel like I owe it to her to listen to her insults and criticisms.  I know she'll call me on my birthday tomorrow and I am dreading it, sad I know, but her birthday wishes will be peppered with backhanded comments and guilt trips.  I love the idea of not exchanging gifts between people who do not like each other.  It's like a way of saying "I know, and you know, but we will be cordial and polite to one another for the children."  Then at least you don't owe each other anything and you are acting honestly and not passive-aggressively or fake, which only causes hurt on both ends.

What I have decided to do is to make sure I tell her I don't want anything for myself, and politely say "thank you" once, when she brings me something anyway.  I graciously accept things for my children, no reason to drag them into the picture.  When it comes to giving her gifts, I make sure to make it from the kids.  I don't like her, but there is no reason why my DS can't send her a fingerpainting.  As for a card, I always include her in anything that involves the kids or photos of them.  Again, my relationship with her has nothing to do with them.

I feel pretty good about that strategy.

sapphire


Pooh

I gift because I want to and yes, I gift some people because I think it's the right thing to do.  It's not about them, it's about how I feel about things.  It's my ethics and morals that come into play, not theirs.  I don't control theirs, only mine.  I bought DIL a Christmas gift, not because I like her, not because I wanted to...but because it was the right thing to do according to what I believe.  What I believe.  Not her, not anyone else.  I don't expect anything in return from people because that is what they choose to do.  I send flowers to funerals, I will not wear pants in Church or at weddings, I can't pass a Salvation Army bell ringer without dropping change in and I go in with the other staff members for a gift for the big-boss.  Not because I want to....  ;D

Bottom line Scoop...it's about you and the person you are.  Was it hurtful of MIL to do what she did to you?  Yes.  But it wasn't about you, it was about the person she is.  All you can do is be you and go with your beliefs.  You are a giving, caring person.  Don't let her take that from you.  There is no better revenge than living life well and happy.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

phillek

One more thing.  DH's family draws names among the adults for Christmas gifts and of course I drew MIL.  I made her a calendar featuring photos of DS.  I'm sure she will love it and it has nothing at all to do with my feelings for her or her actions toward me.  By making it about her and DS, it totally takes my emotions out of it.

Scoop

Keys Girl - I totally see that.  But I can also see the other side.  Where she gloats that she can treat me however she wants and I still come back for more.  And THAT one bugs me.

It's true though, it was bugging me that no card had been sent, so I signed the card, added the pictures and it's in the mail this morning.  The way I'm going to look at it is that it's the least amount of effort I can put into it, it makes me feel better and it removes future blame.

I just wish DH would acknowledge that *I* am putting in some effort here.  AND saving his hide from having to hear about why she hasn't received a card yet.

As for the IL's gifts, it's 12 days until Christmas and I don't know that DH has picked anything up yet.  I can't see him getting them a goat, but you never know.  Actually, that's not true, we have a "Grandma" picture frame (that my Mom suggested for her) and a small game.  Not what we usually spend, but that may be IT for MIL. 

Doe

For those of you who don't enjoy the gift exchange among adults, it's this the perfect time to change things?  You can blame the economy - let everyone know that you'd like to cut back with no hard feelings.  Maybe let Christmas be for the children, or put some dollar amount on it. 

And Quietstorm - my FOO didn't give gifts to the in-laws but I have to be honest - we had a parade of characters come through the family!   The way my parents handled giving was to drop all birthday and Christmas gifts and if they wanted to give us gifts, it would happen randomly through out the year.  No expectations, no disappointments around the holidays.  They sent money to the GKs and that was that.

sapphire

Doe, that's my modus operandi. I find people love it. No obligations or expectations, just a nice thought, and it prevents others from sizing up what they got or didn't.

Doe

Yup - and none of that holiday angst!  More attention for all the other aspects of the season.   :)

Begonia

Phillek: you say: I made her a calendar featuring photos of DS.  Now, that is from the heart.  That is the right spirit as far as I'm concerned. 

Scoop: I like that you sent the card.  But until you quit "saving your DH hide" he has a good thing going. I hold my DS completely responsible if I get cards or presents and his DW does too.

Personally, the goat thing I find really nasty.  I would cry for days if someone slighted me like that.  Or gave me one of those heifer cows to support something.  Nah. Let me choose my own non profits.  Now I guess I feel happy that I don't get presents rather than think someone would think of me that way. It would never occur to me to do something like that.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)