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Disturbing News

Started by FLUSA2005, March 14, 2010, 05:27:39 AM

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FLUSA2005

Hi Coco,
Good point! Yes it could possibly be a lie on her ex's part, she did cheat on him with the man she's marrying and he's been burned. Maybe he's thinking through me he can make his ex wife miserable. In either case it's a he said, she said type of thing and I'm the third party. I know she had many close girlfriends who had problems and talked to me because I was "everybody's" Mom and nothing was every said nasty about her father. She had many sleepovers too and the kids annoyed him so he would go to bed to avoid them. Like I said I never saw anything out of line in their relationship and they got along just like other father's and daughters. I know my ex SIL told my granddaughter never to be alone with her grandfather, but that could be just him putting another fly in the ointment. If I brought this up to my daughter I do believe she would think I was off my rocker and just trying to put a damper on her upcoming festivities.
Thanks Coco!!

cocobars

Hey Flusa!  I rewrote my earlier post, and I'm happy you see what I was trying to say, before it was re-written!  Good for you!  It's not always easy to see through people, especially when you're already hurting and worried about someone you love. 

BIG HUGS COMING YOUR WAY!!!

I hope you feel relieved - and are smiling... ;D

FLUSA2005

Yes Coco I'm smiling because what you said made so much sense. Her ex is bitter and despises the man she's marrying. Maybe he's thinking by telling me that story that I'll dwell on it long enough so that when the wedding comes around if we did go I'd make a commotion and ruin the wedding. Whether he's lying or she's lying the bottom line is I don't believe it ever happened. Yes my ex abused me, and that is something that I have to live and deal with for the rest of my life, but I don't want to want to label him a rapist without any proof.

luise.volta

Viva la Coco!Brilliant possibility.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Thanks Luise.  And, I do realize it is a possibility, but the pieces seem to fit with what Flusa has been saying all along.  If Flusa listened to this, without confirming it, it could do alot of damage to her relationship with her daughter if there was no truth in it.  Her ex-SIL could ruin an already suffering relationship and probably doesn't care what the damage would be.  He may just be taking an opportunity to get even, without really caring how many people get hurt in the process.  It was a thought that hit me and I'm happy it helps.

If it were me, I would have to consider motives, since the story wasn't making sense.

luise.volta

Reading everything over I agree with the "he-said-she-said" being seen as unreliable. There are liars everywhere with possible hidden motives.  It was too long ago and there's too much hear-say. Best to just sit on it an stay in the now...(which is tough enough as it is.) Sending love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

FLUSA2005

luise.volta, I agree with you 100% it was too many years ago and being a third party puts me in a unreliable position too.
My daughter is happy with her life and I have accepted the position I'm in with her and have decided what's to be will be. I'll always be her mother and no one can take that away from me, so when she's ready I'll be here. The now is being with and enjoying my grandchildren whenever possible and nothing's better than that!
Hugs to all!

luise.volta

Isn't it interesting how we all participate in processing through something? Magical!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

March 16, 2010, 05:33:18 AM #23 Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 05:37:08 AM by cremebrulee
as I suggested in one of my other posts...I don't think your son in law is reputable...mainly b/c of what he told you...why would a kind person do that? 

Also, and I hope you don't mind, I'm going to ask you again, do you think he was drinking or drunk at the time he told you?  Which doesn't excuse his behavior...but I'm wondering, b/c you must remember, when out where people are or have been drinking, sometimes you have to take what they say with a grian of salt...however, as I stated before, I don't know why he would tell you something like that after all this time, and perhaps he was lying...and your Daughter never said that?

 


FLUSA2005

March 16, 2010, 06:46:34 AM #24 Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 06:49:38 AM by FLUSA2005
Hi Cremebrulee (love the  name!)
No my SIL wasn't drinking we were at a street fair and there wasn't any alcohol being served. He was also driving and his 5 year old son was a passenger, he doesn't drink and drive. This morning when I woke up I was going over some things my daughter told me over the years and I realize now, they were lies and whoppers of lies. Such as she OD'ing on diet pills and having to go to the ER to have her stomach pumped. I'm sure that never happened because she was on my health insurance and I never received a bill from the hospital and she had no money to pay for anything. Another time she told me someone tried to rape her while she sat on the beach but she threw him over her shoulder and he ran away. My daughter is not a black belt and has never taken any self defense lesson in her life. This was all while I was in the middle of a divorce, was she just looking for attention? Now I wonder if she's really getting married, my granddaughter never mentioned anything to me about Mommy getting married when I saw her Saturday????

cremebrulee

Sheesh, it's so very hard to know what to believe when someone lies like that....
someday, she's going to be telling the truth, and no one will believe her.

Sad....

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this....however, it's a sure fit lesson on how not to be, isn't it?  Hugs Creme

luise.volta

It all boils down to not knowing and having no reliable way to find out. When you can, acknowledge the truth of that and turn toward the things in your life that are in your sphere of influence. That's what I do when I feel powerless...I start contributing where is makes a difference. Maybe it's just a smile at a clerk and a sincere "How are you?" But it's me being me, effectively.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

FLUSA2005

Quotesomeday, she's going to be telling the truth, and no one will believe her.

My thoughts exactly.

keepnsane

May 19, 2010, 05:37:55 AM #28 Last Edit: May 19, 2010, 05:47:27 AM by keepnsane
Something very traumatic likely happened to your daughter.   "Rage at Mom" is absolutely common in these situations.  That your daughter wants to live in a pretend world where Daddy is wonderful is also common.
I'm sorry you are going through it.  There is nothing to "confront" her about.  If you can, find a good counselor.  You might say to your daughter, "I don't want to upset you but I was told this.  If it did happen, I want you to know I didn't know.  I love you.  I'm so sorry you have suffered this pain all alone."
She can reason that you should have known, etc.  To children Mom's are like superheros or God.  We are supposed to protect them.  If they get hurt, to them, Mom wasn't there when they needed her.  Also, you have no idea what kind of mind games he may have played on her.
As far as finding evidence, evidence gets hidden.  If someone is raping your 8 year old they are going to cover their tracks. 
Your mind will spin, you will ask and re-ask all the wrong questions because your mind & emotions cannot absorb it, but to the victims this comes off like you don't believe it.  Don't ask for detail, just accept that this might have happened.  If it didn't, you are sorry for bringing it up with her.  If it did, you love her and are so sory she suffered all these years alone in her pain.
If it wasn't her Daddy, maybe it was someone else. We have been through this with an abuser at church (and it was a Protestant church by the way).  I've lived it.  I know what I'm talking about and please don't ever let the words come out of your mouth that she is a liar and lying about this.  She  has likely been running and lying to survive ever since the abuse began.

Nana

Flusa:  When I read your post the first think I thought was that it might not be true.  Why would she be close to him.  I know I wouldnt.  When I was about 8 years old I remember my mom's daddy asking me to hug him while he was lying in bed and when I did he would press me in a weird way and I could feel his.part (ugs).   I did not like to get near him.  When I mentioned this to my cousin (same grandpa).  She told me some other stories about asking her to bring a towel or something for him and when she came back he was naked.  So my cousin spoke to my aunt (her mother) and she spoke to my mom and they both spoke to us.  We were instructed never to be alone with him.  I never since then got near him or hug him or kiss him.  He was leaving at my house.  My mom of course never told my dad about this because he would have asked my grandfather to leave.  I never understood why mom did not take this course of action.   I forgive grandfather but I dont have good memories of him nor do I love him.  (He died many years ago). 

I agree with Coco  Maybe it wasnt at all disruptive for her and in a sense she did enjoy it, or...

As Creme....she could have made it up to draw attention.

I would do nothing until things sort out.

God Bless you all
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare