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This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..

Started by brandynd, March 12, 2010, 07:41:54 PM

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: thelaststraw on March 24, 2010, 09:23:07 PM
Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.


I think your on a roll, good for you....and, I'm behind you all the way...so keep on keepin on.  She won't like it, however, perhaps your the first person to set boundaries with her, and down the road, she may even respect you for all of this....

Good Luck

catchingup

Quote from: thelaststraw on March 24, 2010, 09:23:07 PM
Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.

I see DH's response that he wont go round to see her if you don't as appealing to your emotions.
This is not fair because you do not want to keep him from seeing his mother (The good spirit in your nature wont allow that)
His response is a little unfair and you should tell him that he is to go otherwise it would mean that you would have to shoulder the blame for keeping him away from her.
How in heavens name did you ever allow her to have a key to your house in the first place?
I think you have made progress but I do also think that you should point out emotional abuse to her.
Using strong language like abuse may shake her up and give you an excuse to avoid her.
Give her something to think about.

cocobars

I agree with catchingup.  If your husband does this, your MIL will most likely blame the entire situation on you.  If he keeps going, even without you at his side, I would think he may have the chance sooner or later to help your situation with her get better.  He knows her and how she is.  I think she may listen to him if he is there and tells her about her abuse.  It soiunds like he may not do that, but I believe if he is there often enough, he may be able to reach her in some way, or at least warn her sometime that he can't tolerate her language and behavior toward his wife.

I also think it will help if you point out her abuse.  If both of you stick together I think it will help.  Sometimes people who are controlling like this will never change, but she should have the chance (and the warnings), without blaming you to understand what she's doing.

I hope things work out for you!  I still think you are growing and have made such progress!  Feel that? - Me patting your back!

Hugging you!

catchingup

We have not heard from" Thelaststraw" for a while. Wonder how she is getting on.
I identify with her so much

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Last night I was thinking of all the WW who haven't posted here in awhile - I hope they check in; it would be great to hear from them.

This MIL story of LastStraw's is just awful! Thankfully not all MILs are like her...my DIL should be very grateful that we don't: throw tantrums, have a key, drop in, call, lecture, demand, whine, want to be BFFs, or any other ridiculousness. She hates us all the same, since we do have the audacity to exist. Oh, well...we tried. I'm still glad I'm not a Monster-in-law, even if DIL can't appreciate that :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

My "ex-daughter-of my heart-in-law" traveled over 500 miles to celebrate her 65th with me this week. She was rear-ended 2 1/2 years ago by an 18 wheeler and has severe brain damage. Had her own successful, high tech recruiting company and never worked another day. Her memory and brain run on strange and unreliable tracks...but she is slowly adjusting if not recovering. We had a wonderful visit. What a beautiful relationship can develop when no one is a "monster-in-law!" Those of you haven't read it...I wrote a Poem to her and it is under (surprise!) Poems.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

brandynd

Sorry sorry sorry ladies!  Things have been hectic at best lately, and I've been busy being a worker bee.  Things are alright I guess.  MIL still hates me, but what can you expect?  We just moved yesterday into an apartment for 6 months until our house is ready....I swear it'll never be done.  Anyways, MIL is up to her tricks again.
Yesterday while moving a box spring out of the U-Haul, my BIL accidentally took me out with it, knocking me off of the ramp and successfully tearing all of the ligaments in my ankle.  DH and I had to go into the ER, and after being told that walking is a no-go for at least 2 weeks and sent home with my pain meds, all I wanted to do was cry from the pain and wait for the pain pill to knock me out.
When we got to the apartment, everybody had left except for MIL, who proceeded to tell me that I was "milking it," and didn't want to help with anything.  My ankle is still the size of a freaking volleyball, but yeah, I'm milking it.  She just has a bad attitude and I'm so sick of it.  I've gotten to the point (and I know this sounds bitter, so please, try to reserve judgement) that I'm wondering when she'll die so I can live in peace.  Wow, that's mean; I'm sorry, please don't think bad things about me!
Other than that, my green monster is coming out....badly.  DH and I want a baby sooo badly.  We've been trying for a few months now, which I mentioned to his sister, and to that she replied "Oh, well that's nice.  I don't want anymore--ever.  I think one is plenty and I wouldn't want to have to raise another one."
That was fine and good, until we got the call from SIL last night and she's pregnant again....and it's planned!  Ugh.  I know I shouldn't be jealous.  I'm totally aware that my response to her pregnancy is irrational, but I can't help it.  Lord help me, I am 22 and reproductively challenged :(

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

I'm so sorry you're going through this, TLS...it's hard enough to be laid up without hearing someone give you grief about it. And I'm sorry about your baby issues, too. It must be doubly difficult to have SIL being so flippant about it. My heart goes out to you. You're dealing with some really inconsiderate people. Take care.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

brandynd

Bleh....is anybody still signed on tonight?  I'm just sitting at work and could use a definite pick me up.  The long hours at the office without any work to be completed leaves m feeling sad and reeling.  I just want to be a mommy so, so bad.  Now that we've been failing for the last 4 months, DH thinks we should quit trying as our honeymoon is in October and he doesn't think we'll have time to bump it up at this point if we do conceive.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I don't want to wait until October to continue trying, because we've been unable to make it happen for the past four months already; and lord knows how long it'll take if we wait until then to continue. 
It's just not fair.  People who don't even WANT kids are able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and all that I want is to be a mommy and it just isn't happening.  The doctor thinks that it might be me, because I had some ovarian issues when I was younger.  I hope to God that isn't the case.  I don't know....just a depressing evening.  It doesn't help that it's storming outside and I'm the only one in the office.  I just want to cry.

luise.volta

I'm up. It's only 7:21 PM on the West Coast.

For people who have tried and tried for years, four months probably doesn't sound like an eternity but I get that it does to you. So... here's what I would do...I would quit trying and have fun and let your baby choose the time. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

catchingup

 :D Get some fertility treatment and confound SIL.
Heehee ;) Maybe you will have triplets.

Have you used that word abusive to MIL yet.
What a B......

brandynd

Sooo....just thought I'd update everybody on what's up.  I actually just was talking to DH and he made the comment that we haven't had tampons on our grocery list for a while (TMI, I'm sorry), which I hadn't even been thinking about.  I looked at the calendar and I'm actually 2 weeks late!  I didn't even realize it with everything that's been going on, because I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off working on a wedding.
Definitely picking up a test before bed tonight, and oh I hope.....I hope I hope I hope!!!!  Sorry for the excess enthusiasm ladies.  If anybody is remotely religious say a little prayer for me and my somewhat dysfunctional body!  Hugs and hugs and hugs, I'll be in touch soooooooon!