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This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..

Started by brandynd, March 12, 2010, 07:41:54 PM

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catchingup

Quote from: thelaststraw on March 13, 2010, 01:20:44 PM
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there's only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn't want to alienate her, as she's the only living parent he has left.  I really don't like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn't at all what I'm doing, but it's very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we're married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we're married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don't want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I've been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I've found that through having the support of them it's made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn't make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH's side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We'll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don't think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!

It may help to read my post on the thread Daughter=in-laws, son-in-laws and the sub category "My story with my MIL"

I call what your Mil is doing "Emotional abuse"
If she hit you she could be charged with assault but she can merrily go along and emotionally abuse you which actually is worse and can leave bigger scars than assaulting you physically.

Now I am going to say something that you are not going to like and it was what a friend said to me that turned me round 180 degrees.

It is not your mother-in-laws  fault it is your fault. You are allowing it.

Dont expect DH to tell her ,warn him and tell him what you are going to do the next time she abuses you.

Tell her when she abuses you. "That is emotional abuse, and if you do that to me again you will never see me again"

Practise it over and over and over until it becomes second nature and also tell her that she will not be coming to live with you.

As we would say in South Africa "Finish and Klaar"

I was the same
1) Dont want to cause trouble in the family
2) I dont want to come between mother and son  blah blah blah
3) I want to be her friend
4) I will fight for her approval

Believe you me dont waste your time.

Do as Nike would say"Just do it" Tell her

isitme?

Quote from: cremebrulee on March 16, 2010, 04:16:10 AM

Isitme...please chime in and help this girl understand what I'm saying, as I don't always come off to clear....help me out, will you?


Here I am!  Thanks for thinking of me Creme - I was just thinking about responding to this and then saw your post and knew I had to!

hi thelaststraw, well as another DIL on this site, I think you have come to a great place to try and find the best possible solution to your MIL problems.  I think the ladies here have given you fantastic advice already... in fact the same kind of advice they gave to me when I first joined the site with my own FMIL problems.

From what you describe, I think the problem is your MIL and not you.  No one is perfect but no one deserves to be treated the way you have by your MIL.  Sad to say but you can never expect her to change.  You can only change yourself - that's one of the big lessons I've learned from all of this so far.  I hate confrontation too, but understanding my FMIL more has helped me change the way I react to her.  The idea that you shouldn't react to her is a great one - this goes for ALL bullies, as some ladies have already mentioned.  There are some good books out there that can help deal with this - two I recommend are "Emotional Vampires" by Albert Bernstein and "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward (she also has a book called "Toxic In-laws which is also good).  I highly recommend you check out some of these books - it can help you figure out how to interact with her in as healthy a way possible..

The most important thing is the relationship between you and your husband.  It's hard to realize this when you are being attacked, but your husband doesn't see/experience things the way you do and as someone already mentioned, may be "conditioned" to think these kinds of things are normal.  Certainly these kinds of behaviors aren't uncommon - but that doens't mean it is okay. 

Counseling might be a good option for the two of you in order to make sure you are on the same page.  When I first got on this site, it was suggested to me and I thought "wow, I don't know if things are THAT bad for us to go to counselling.."  But you know what?  I asked FH if we could go if we still were having problems with his mom, and when those problems continued, he agreed without any hesitation.  We went for a few months and it was helpful.  Our counselor told us she thought we had a really great relationship but also helped us work on individual issues.  Most of our conversations were about my FH's parents though - our final session was pretty much focused on how FH should try getting his mom out of the house and/or on anti-depressants.  This was kind of what I had been saying all along but hearing it from a 3rd party is probably what made it stick....  I'm happy to report that things have been going well so far and we have finally been able to start planning our wedding!  I think the counselling really helped in several ways.  It gave my FH a little bit of a wake up call to have a professional suggest to him that his mother's behavior was abusive and that their family was pretty unhealthy (that's a bit of a gloss but the general gist of things).  It also helped us BOTH develop communication strategies that hopefully will strengthen our partnership in the future.  So in addition to thinking about going to counselling as a solution to in-law problems, I also tried to think about it as general pre-marital counselling and I"m REALLY glad we did it - I learned a lot of things.  That being said, I have to admit, I also felt a little bit validated after hearing a professional state that the problem really was with FMIL (hearing it from the ladies on this site helps too!).  In fact, I would say it was a combination of the counselling and talking to many of the women here that helped me reach the place that I am in (quick shout out to the ladies here - THANKS!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!).  FMIL is still difficult but I feel better about it and as a result, our interactions lately have been... well, not necessarily great but a far cry from her calling me up to yell at me for 20 minutes about how I wasn't normal and never call her (you can see my earlier posts for that story - the ladies here made me feel SO much better about things like that!).  It's only a matter of time before she loses it about something again, but at least I feel like I have the tools to deal with it in a mature way AND I don't stress out about it all the time the way I used to...

I think the key to discussing things with your husband (with or without a professional) is to try and remain calm and unemotional.  It helps to work through ideas/venting first and come up with the right way to say things... that way whatever you are saying is perceived the way you mean it and not viewed as an attack because it comes from all this pent up emotion that you have from being treated so badly... at least, I think that was what was happening to me initially.  On DIL sites, they often say you don't have an MIL problem, you have a husband problem.  Sometimes that is true if your husband cannot stand up to an abusive parent etc. because most men really ARE bad at handling emotional scenes/drama/manipulation.  But everyone plays a part in the relationship - you have to be responsible for your side, make sure your husband knows what he has to do (you both should be agreed on these roles), and then leave the rest up to your MIL.  Relationships only work when everyone wants them too.  Don't blame yourself if she doens't change.  Just know that you have done everything you can..  the MILs here are great and really are a surrogates for us sad and unwanted DILs.  You have found yourself in a good place among really kind and caring MILs!  Good luck!!!!

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Isitme, if you were here or I were there, I'd give you the biggest hug right now....
thanks so much for your help and time....
wonderful post...as always!

Hope

Well put, Isitme!  The best advice is from someone who has been there.  You are an inspiration!
Big bear hug, Hope

Paris1950

I will trade DILs.  Do not allow her to move in.  THere are so many nice active retirement communities and she can mingle with people her own age.  I am afraid if she moves in her goal will be to break your marriage up and have her son all too herself.

This MIL is looking to alienate you from the family.  I am not sure why your DH doesn't stand up for you at times.  There are constructive ways to do this.  It could be in your best interest for you and DH to get some professional advice before something is said for her to move in with you. 

Is there anyway you can move further away from her?  I wish you all the best.  I consider myself as a giving MIL and I have 2 DIL's who take advantage of me and they don't respect me either.  They know if they ask me for a favor I will do it. 

My children have given me a lot of drama for years, I am moving away to a retirement communitiy in the next 2-4 years if I can.  It depends on my situation with my son and grandson. 

God Bless

SunnyDays09

  In my case it was the dil's mother that became enmeshed and ran the show. 
    Her daughter is a very insecure type and never stood up to her mom.  I came into the picture wanting not to "hover". 
   I never phoned unexpectedly.  I never gave my advice to either.  I was neutral.  I helped when asked and basically I thought we were getting along.
   I minded my own business and kept my mouth shut.  Oh well. 

  I guess I should have become as controlling and self centered as the other mother for things just did not work out.

   My point?  Fight for your right - whether you be mil or dil.   If there is anyone stepping over the line just matter of factly tell them so.  If husband can't handle his mother than the wife just may have to.  But the same deal goes for HER mother as well.  There should be a balance and one half of the couple should not be allowed to have all the control.

   There.  Whooo, I guess that has been stored up for awhile.  Oh, and you're all great people.  Just a little misunderstood when it comes to inlaws - and maybe some unusual expectations not being met.  Whatever it is...be smart, be kind and just let them know -- boundaries are a good place to start.   And good luck!!

luise.volta

Wonderful to see you posting, Happy!

And Paris, why not start now researching Retirement Communities? We did a lot of that. Didn't know the difference between a for-profit and a non-profit except the obvious. Lived in two for-profits before we realized we didn't want to be entertained until we died. It got old. We needed a non-profit, where volunteering in a meaningful is legal. Didn't know it was illegal in the for-profits and we needed to feel useful. Here's the URL on the third place we moved to and have been in for ten years. And it had low-income housing, regular units, assisted care and nursing. That's call a Continuous Care Community." The big plus with that is you don't have to move and leave your friends when you need: more care. www.warmbeach.org . (Yes, that's a picture of me on the Home page.) Lots to learn!! Sending love!

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

QuoteWonderful to see you posting, Happy!

Hi luise!  Great to be here!  So many new people! 




luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

brandynd

Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.

Hope

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction.  Hopefully, your MIL will see that respect should go both ways.  I would love to see you be friends one day.
Hugs, Hope

cocobars

Hi thelaststraw!

It sounds like you have set some healthy bounderies since you were here last!  I definately agree with "considering the source," and letting her know that you wont stay around for harsh words.  Sometimes that's all you can do.  Respect is a two way street, so you may have to show a united front with your husband before she understands that you are his wife and deserve that.  I believe you have some healthy views of your marriage, and unfortunately, sometimes these boundaries have to be laid down.  Not every MIL is healthy, just as not all DIL's are either.  I'm happy you are here and I believe your perspective is very important to us in this forum.  I read another post by you this morning, where you seemed to be worried about playing devils advocate.  I thought you were very wise in what you said and I hope you will keep coming back through and posting, and no, I do not believe anyone will be upset with hearing different views. 

Good luck with the wedding you are planning!  Sounds exciting!  Sending hugs your way!