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A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law

Started by jkm426, March 11, 2010, 04:20:53 PM

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cremebrulee

March 17, 2010, 04:35:51 AM #45 Last Edit: March 17, 2010, 04:46:53 AM by cremebrulee
I would also like to add, Leslie, come back...please...lets talk and share Your story...it sounds to me, like your hurting awful...and perhaps we can help you as so many people have helped me. 

Leslie, we realize some DIL's come in here, hurt and angry, tainted by they're MIL's actions, and when they read it hits home, so please know, we understand.

My DIL and I had some awful troubles...it was painful and heart wrenching, I know I said some awful things about her, b/c I thought she hated me, was rejecting me, and was trying to estrange me from they're family...well guess what...she thought the same thing about me....she was hurting something awful over this to....but I couldn't see, refused to see, b/c in my mind, I was sure she hated me....we never discussed it....I never knew how she felt, or what I did to hurt her....things kept escalating....everytime we were together, we both walked on eggs shells fearing each other....however, after 12 years we've been able to reconcile...and we both wanted it...and I think most human beings only want to be liked...and some of this stuff starts because people take offense to things that are said, without intent to hurt or put people down....we will not side against you, but work with you....so think about it...b/c my goal is, to stay in this forum, and try and help as many people as I can, reach a point where they realize, it's not always as bad as we think it is...

I'm not saying every MIL or DIL can be reconciled with they're inlaws...but there is a whole lot of positive that comes out of discussing things...one is understanding and looking at things from the other person's perspective....What I found out, was, my DIL is not me...she wasn't raised like I was....however, I expected her to be just like my son...to have the same traditions, to immediately accept me and my quirky ways....I have a very dry sense of humor...so, she had no idea when I was kidding and when I wasn't....we didn't know each other.

As a MIL, I thought things would stay the same and she was going to be my daughter, however, we all have different beliefs and thoughts about things...and that is what we were dealing with, conflict of interests and personalities...

The start for me, was this forum....and taking ownership....so many of the ladies stories set off many thoughts and realizations about the why's and hows....it is a very slow process...however, due to all the amazing DIL's we have in this website, I was able to listen....I wanted to learn....wanted her, my DIL to like me, to give me a chance...I loved her so before they were married...and the estrangement was shocking...hurtful, and anger, girl....I was one angry human being....and we women can get so mean and vindictive when we're hurt, rejected and angry....

So, please know I do understand...and it would be so wonderful if you would come back and share....no one should hurt like this...and I consider this web site a counseling site...group counseling, which has surely saved my life.....



Hugs and love
Creme

jkm426

It took me a while to reply to the post directed at me.  I was hoping this site would be free of the MIL bashing.  The threats of "you better watch yourself or your son and future grandchildren will be kept from you'.  The nastiness of Leslie was what I wanted to avoid.  Is no where safe?

My way of dealing with is this....If my son has so little regard for me and our relationship that he would allow someone to bully and threaten me....well.... I will not be blackmailed into being someone I am not.  Withhold future grandchild at YOUR OWN peril.  I have a DIL I am close to.  I have a daughter I am close to.  I have three grandchildren I see, two weekly and one daily.  Your child will be the one to miss out. 

My FDIL doesn't have to like me let alone love me.  But she does have to treat me with courtesy and respect, as I will her.  If you wouldn't say/do it to your mom, don't say/do it to me. 


On a better note, my wonderful DIL(oldest son's wife) took FDIL to lunch to explain our family(in a nonthreatening way) and to help see I am not the enemy, but can be not a only a great MIL but a good friend.  Someone you would want in your corner.  DIL said she acted somewhat receptive....so we will see. 

Scoop

JKM - I just realized something else - wow, what a thought provoking post THIS turned out to be.

I guess it depends on the DIL's culture too - by which I mean how HER family is re: IL relations.  I just now realized that my Dad's family was pretty dysfunctional, and we spent more time with my Mom's family growing up, so that is "normal" to me.   So it was easy for me to look through that lens and see my IL's as dysfunctional and my family as 'normal'.

Hmmm, I have some thinking to do about this.  But MAN, I would have loved to have a SIL to 'introduce me to the family'. 

Thanks JKM - for blowing my mind!  What a great board this is!

cremebrulee

March 17, 2010, 06:46:21 AM #48 Last Edit: March 17, 2010, 06:57:00 AM by cremebrulee
yes, this is a very thought provoking thread...
I know a lot of you must think I'm being very oh what's the word....
"contradictive?"...however....I remember saying many times, "I don't like who I've become since this issue with my DIL.  Not only was I depressed, sad, but very angry most all of the time....

I remember coming back from my last visit, years ago, and my mother said to me, "I've never seen you like this before" and it was all b/c I thought my DIL hated me...and was doing things purposely to keep me out of they're lives...however, when I threw away the blame, and started sself examination...my whole attitude started to change.  And Ladies, I was SO Wrong! So wrong!

No two people are ever alike, and when our son's tell us they are getting married, we expect our DIL's to instantly love us and take our actions as pure and caring...

It does definately depend on the DIL's culture....and as my DIL explained to me, she didn't grow up like my son grew up...so, can you imagine the culture shock there alone?  I mean, remember when you were first married, how difficult it was to learn your husbands ways, and he your ways?  Relationships are hard....all relationships....and all relationships are give and take....not to mention a whole lot of work in progress.

also, rejection is the most devaluating emotion....we all want to be liked, so when we Think someone is rejecting us, I believe that breeds hate in our souls, we become bitter and angry...."Like why doesn't this person like me"...and let me tell you, we women can be brutal....very vindictive, assuming, and mean spirited when we want to be.  I know my son spoke of this...and he said, men can disagree, have a fist fight, then go out for a beer, but," he said..."women can be very unforgiving, they make things up in they're minds and blow things way out of porportion" which is very very true....

So, I believe if we truely want to make things work, both parties musst take a look at themselves...be honest...and realize, we must sometimes give a little more to get back ?  I don't know, what works for me, isn't going to work for everyone else, for sure...I just wish so much we could all get along...I tell you this, when this was happening to me, I kept thinking "This is going to be a learning experience for me!" however, at the time I couldn't see it, b/c I was so angry, frustrated, hurt...I just kept saying, Why? Why?  Well, I have learned so much...about myself...and a lot of it is not very flattering...I'm humbled, and feel very badly that I actually thought and believed those things about this woman who my son loves with his whole heart....so, I believe, it is very important not to be stubborn, and thry to listen to the other person...instead of becoming defensive....right away....

but when I assumed blame, honestly and sincerely, my whole attitude about this started to change, and for the first time I was able to say, "hmmmm, maybe I am wrong."  I don't see it as giving up who I am, but much more, finding myself again....


RedRose

Quote from: jkm426 on March 17, 2010, 06:02:50 AM
It took me a while to reply to the post directed at me.  I was hoping this site would be free of the MIL bashing.  The threats of "you better watch yourself or your son and future grandchildren will be kept from you'.  The nastiness of Leslie was what I wanted to avoid.  Is no where safe?

My way of dealing with is this....If my son has so little regard for me and our relationship that he would allow someone to bully and threaten me....well.... I will not be blackmailed into being someone I am not.  Withhold future grandchild at YOUR OWN peril.  I have a DIL I am close to.  I have a daughter I am close to.  I have three grandchildren I see, two weekly and one daily.  Your child will be the one to miss out. 

My FDIL doesn't have to like me let alone love me.  But she does have to treat me with courtesy and respect, as I will her.  If you wouldn't say/do it to your mom, don't say/do it to me. 


On a better note, my wonderful DIL(oldest son's wife) took FDIL to lunch to explain our family(in a nonthreatening way) and to help see I am not the enemy, but can be not a only a great MIL but a good friend.  Someone you would want in your corner.  DIL said she acted somewhat receptive....so we will see.

I agree with you totally jmk...I use to think this place was safe too...but the nasty posters creep through. "You better watch yourself or your son and future grandchildren will be kept from you."....this seems to be the common dil threat.  Lot's of us (me included) just go along  to keep peace in the family. Sometimes this is the only solution.

I see that you are a very strong lady. Treat me with courtesy and respect and you'll get it from me....I soooo agree with you jmk.

cremebrulee

March 17, 2010, 07:04:13 AM #50 Last Edit: March 17, 2010, 07:10:53 AM by cremebrulee
Ladies, this place is as safe as you want it to be....you cannot keep people out...once in awhile, your going to have women come in here who have been rejected, treated badly, angry, etc.  Something in this post really triggered hurt in Leslie's mind.  I mean think about it...this is the greatest place on the internet I've ever been....and I've been to a lot of them...however, just b/c a woman comes in here and spouts off, are you really going to allow that one post to discourage you, or claim this isn't a safe place...they're just words ladies, words...and yes words can hurt, but can this woman come to your home and bodily harm you....

Please try to understand, your going to have this happen once in a while....so what?  The girl is angry, and what in your mind causes anger?  Hurt, right?  Haven't you ever been hurt and then it turns into anger?  And how many times have you said things in anger that you didn't mean, b/c you were hurt...? 

Something in that letter triggered an emotion in Leslie, b/c I bet, she is having a very difficult time with her MIL, or, maybe she's a very unreasonable person....so, her one post is going to keep you from coming in here....?  Or make a claim that now this isn't a safe place? 

View it as what it is....an event...and not all events are going to be hunky dorey....sometimes, bad things happen...in everyday life....so is this a big event, or a tiny event...?  To me it's a tiny event....and to the ladies who have left this forum due to bad posts...I feel very bad that you left, cuz you left them win, when maybe you had so much to learn, and so very much to give....be strong...be respectful and be mature, and don't allow a contradictive angry person to dictate your lives....don't be weak....be strong and respectful and view it as what it is...a very bad post....yes...however, don't allow it to change you or your attitude or contributions to this site...each one of you is a part of it...which makes it whole.

No, nothing, no matter where you go, gives you any full proof guarentees that you are going to be safe....not the park, not the super market, not crossing the street, not driving your car...anything can happen....

Please, don't allow someone's angry words to give up...or think this isn't a good forum....b/c if you do, your giving up....your allowing someone else to carve out your feelings about something that is working....are you going to allow someone else to dictate to you, that you can't have fun.

Ignore her post...until you can look at it as, hmmmm, the woman has a problem....she's either argumentative or angry...and, maybe if we're nice to her, we can help her to...wouldn't that be the best thing ever....

and yes, she was SO wrong in that statement, and I can understand how it hurts you...but she's one woman compared to how many wonderful women we have in here....please think about that, and when they do come in and spout off in anger and malace...ignore it...you don't know this person from adam, she is a complete stranger...don't allow a complete stranger to dictate your attitudes or break down your belief systems....


cremebrulee

March 17, 2010, 07:22:24 AM #51 Last Edit: March 17, 2010, 07:28:19 AM by cremebrulee
and by the way, if Leslie is a reasonable person, she will be back...if not, then no stone left unturned....

and I forgot to mention this in my last post....the letter to my DIL...my honest opinion, is this....if my DIL would send me a letter worded like that, I will tell you true...I would take the defense right away....

I wrote a letter similar to that in the very beginnning to my DIL...and she was so hurt and angry....do you wanna know why, cuz I was saying we play by my rules and my rules alone, and fi not, well, tough loss....that is not the way to adress people....

While I understand, the author, is very much like me...I used to think, it has to be my way, I'm not a bad person, I get along well with everyone but my DIL....so, if she wants a relationship with me, she is going to have to say she is sorry and respect me....well, what about her and her feelings....?  While I might have 3 DIL's who I get along very well with, the new one coming in may be a very sensitive person, she may be insecure, and afraid....and getting a letter like that, would probably scare the living daylights out of me....

I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or insult anyone here....but if we're going to sincerely work things out, we've got to look at both sides of the coin, b/c there are always two stories...and we are going to have to be humble at times and admit to our wrong doings as well.  Nothing is one sided...and everyone has feelings...some, are so much more sensitive then others...
and we have to remember that...

and if any of you think me wrong, I will gladly leave, b/c more then me being a member here, I want to see this work, for everyone, and that is how important this site is to me....

we all have to work together, we may not always like what someone has to say....but that is sshy America is still the greatest country in the world to live in, cuz we're allowed to express feelings and practice our own beliefs...so until we understand, that no two people are ever going to think alike, we are always going to be at war with one another....and wars are what kills people....sometimes we've gotta humble ourselves and give more to get back....and that is very hard to do...but if you want something bad enough, you'll fight for it...and look at both sides...

Me, I wanna fight for happiness and peace...the unrest I'd been living for the past 12 years was sheer hell...I was depressed all the time, in pain all the time....so why wouldn't I choose to fix it?  It was debilitating...as a lot of you women already know...so why not give a little?  It's worth it....

jkm426

Maybe I am not plan enough.  I don't care if my FDIL likes me.  She has said some pretty nasty things to me from "oh I thought your house would be cleaner, now I see where your son gets it" to " I sure hope you lose some weight before the wedding, the picture won't look good if you don't".  Everything from how my children were raised to how much and how long I interact with my grandchildren(who are not hers) are ammunition.  I finally said "I must not have done too bad of a job with son, after all you are going to marry him."

I have been a DIL and never in my wildest would I have talked to someones mother this way.  What I do in my home and with my grandchildren(who are not your kids) is NONE OF YOUR BUSUNESS. 

Peaceful coexistence is all I want.  This isn't about winning or being right it about being respected and allowed to be different from FDIL.

Frauke

I loved the responses to this. However I too am a person who can't be molded into a cookie cutter and do express my opinions when I feel there is a big enough reason sometimes to disagree, picking battles carefully I think is something we all learn as time progresses and by the time we get ready to die, we have it down just right.  Ironical isn't it?  My son-in-law was kind enough to keep the fact that his uncle is a pedophile a secret and told my daughter to do so also for two years, and then they got married without inviting me or giving me any info about the event.  Why?  Because they both know I am child abuse investigator for the state and would probably have blown a fuse so instead they planned the whole thing behind my back with my ex and his new girlfriend.  When I called my son-in-law in tears about the wedding which I found on the internet, yeah thats right, saw my beautiful daughter on facebook in her wedding dress, my son-in-law wouldn't even talk to me, I got his voice mail like I get my daughters and ex-husbands voicemail.  I always say that if your bad enough to committ the act you should be bad enough to face me too, but have never been granted that wish.  Everyone that knows me say's their judgement day will be a very long ugly day but that doesn't stop my heart from breaking everyday a little more.  I have not seen my daughter and do not know where she even lives, in almost 3 years.  What to do?

cremebrulee

Quote from: jkm426 on March 17, 2010, 09:15:22 AM
Maybe I am not plan enough.  I don't care if my FDIL likes me.  She has said some pretty nasty things to me from "oh I thought your house would be cleaner, now I see where your son gets it" to " I sure hope you lose some weight before the wedding, the picture won't look good if you don't".  Everything from how my children were raised to how much and how long I interact with my grandchildren(who are not hers) are ammunition.  I finally said "I must not have done too bad of a job with son, after all you are going to marry him."

I have been a DIL and never in my wildest would I have talked to someones mother this way.  What I do in my home and with my grandchildren(who are not your kids) is NONE OF YOUR BUSUNESS. 

Peaceful coexistence is all I want.  This isn't about winning or being right it about being respected and allowed to be different from FDIL.

I hear you and understand your feelings, believe me...and your right, it's not about winning, b/c it's a now win situation...and I can surely understand your hurt and anger...and plea for peace and respect....that isn't an issue...

and you are allowed to be different..it's who we are as human beings.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Silence on March 17, 2010, 10:20:10 AM
I loved the responses to this. However I too am a person who can't be molded into a cookie cutter and do express my opinions when I feel there is a big enough reason sometimes to disagree, picking battles carefully I think is something we all learn as time progresses and by the time we get ready to die, we have it down just right.  Ironical isn't it?  My son-in-law was kind enough to keep the fact that his uncle is a pedophile a secret and told my daughter to do so also for two years, and then they got married without inviting me or giving me any info about the event.  Why?  Because they both know I am child abuse investigator for the state and would probably have blown a fuse so instead they planned the whole thing behind my back with my ex and his new girlfriend.  When I called my son-in-law in tears about the wedding which I found on the internet, yeah thats right, saw my beautiful daughter on facebook in her wedding dress, my son-in-law wouldn't even talk to me, I got his voice mail like I get my daughters and ex-husbands voicemail.  I always say that if your bad enough to committ the act you should be bad enough to face me too, but have never been granted that wish.  Everyone that knows me say's their judgement day will be a very long ugly day but that doesn't stop my heart from breaking everyday a little more.  I have not seen my daughter and do not know where she even lives, in almost 3 years.  What to do?

and you have every right to feel the way you do, and I'm very sorry your dealing with this...

what people will do all in the name of love is beyond me....however, I do feel, that your daughter, will return to you someday....

the sad part about this is....what if they have children?  What will they do concerning them? 




Frauke

I know what you mean Ceme, my thoughts about my future grandchildren scare me to death.  I asked my daughter about that when I found out she was engaged to her current husband.  I asked her what kind of safety plan she had in mind.  In her most sarcastic tone she said "Well what would like me to do, carry around pepper spray"?  She has not seen the children I have seen who have experienced sexual abuse first hand, my fear for her children is very real.  And so I did what is apparently the unforgivable thing, I told her current husband that if anything happened to one of my grandchildren that he would not have to worry about a prison sentence.  After that statement I was alienated with a short break of about 3 months when my daughter spoke to me on the phone only once a week on Sundays at exactly 9-9:20 PM which she found an excuse to discontine doing also.  Since that time I have looked up the current husband's family in my database at work and holy smokes, there are methamphetamine addicts and low and behold there was the original interview with the pedophile uncle's victim.  In the victims own words "He said I was going to be his second special girl, that his daughter was his first special girl".  My boss asked me why I was slamming my drawers and sent me out to the field that day.  It is a good thing I had no sexual abuse cases pop up on my workload....:)  I have nightmares about future grandchildren.  I am vigilant in checking my database for anything regarding my daughter on a very regular basis...:)

cremebrulee

Silence...I cannot believe your daughter speaks to you like that????  I feel really bad for you...

When we were older, and when I say we...my cousin's and I were abused by they're father...we all made a pact, that we would never ever leave our children with them...to this day, my one cousin will not speak to her parents...they're mother said we all lied...and I can understand her denial and hurt...but to jeprodize her own children and her sisters's child?  We can't all be lying...anyway, one of the girl left her daughter with them and we were horrified and shocked...I guess she needed a baby sitter more then caring about the child.

With your expertise, I know you know what I'm going to say, however, I also know, when your so emotionally involved in a situation, we don't always see things, we harbor hope, shock, hurt, anger, disappointment and depression...and I wish none of us would have to experience that ever...we shouldn't have to, we put in our time, now life is supposed to be good, right?

Hun...go with it, and  try as hard as you can to detach and fill your life with other thoughts....other plans and other dreams....you just have to allow it to play out and trust your spiritual guidence and good sense....I know it is very difficult at times...these are our kids....however....try to realize, she is a grown adult and you did the best you absolutely could do...and please don't ever blame yourself...your daughter knows what manners and respect are....that being said...please know this is a haven for you to come and pour your heart out if need be...everyone will help you along...
and know you are loved by many women here....

sometimes we dno't get to choose the things that happen to us in our lives, and in the bad, there must be lessons for us to learn...there must...

hugs and love
creme

Frauke

Creme, I truly believe a supreme power led me to this site today and I am so comforted in this thought and wonderful replies I have received.  At the end of the day it all comes down to learning, somehow I am supposed to learn something through all this and I am waiting for that supreme power to shed light on that path.  Maybe this was supposed to happen this way.  Somehow I can't help but wonder why God would put this kind of dilemma in my life knowing my profession, or maybe that is why this is happening.  But it truly does make a person wonder if my daughter isn't expressing some kind of anger toward me by possibly subjecting her own children to this kind of family.  Truth is,  I would treat her no differently than any other client I have if one of my grandchildren got molested, I would still remove the child, even from my own child, it's about keeping children safe.  I am so very sorry to hear these things happened to you as a child, if I could reach in the computer and give you a big hug I would do so.  And now here you are the survivor, helping out a poor old CPS worker, this is a real live moment the angels must be talking about, or created...:) We will speak more I am sure.

cremebrulee

Silence, I am so so glad your here....and I think for what your enduring, you have not only a very healthy attitude, but your words show strength, and understanding....

Yes, your daughter is angry, very angry, however, there is more then one reason why people do things, actually many reasons, and until she seeks out help....one will never know, and perhaps she doesn't even know why...

anger makes us make very bad choices and think very bad things...however....your job is over...and this is what I kept telling myself over and over...my job is over, did I make mistakes, yes indeed, we all make mistakes...however, we do the best we can at the time, physically and mentally, remember we grow up with our kids...and that  in itself is miraculous...your a good person....very understanding and astute, and if you remember one thing...remember that....also, you wouldn't be in the career your in, if in fact you were not aware...and you are....

I have a neighbor...who had 4 kids...they're all wonderful, except one hates her mother, and is mean to her...yanno why she is that way...she was the oldest and she says, it was wrong of her mother to make her clean her room and help around the house....the mother told me, that all her kids had chores, regardless of they're age...she and her hubby both worked full time jobs...and it's a shame cuz this older daughter is so missing out....

so go figure...?  I have another friend...who had four kids, one they adopted, they all turned out fine, except one...why?  And he was indeed they're biggest worry...


His father asked me once, how can you raise all your kids the same, and one really turns out bad...with real serious problems...it used to kill them, they were very active in the church, loved and respected, I used to call her my angel....


So, go figure...?


Just know that we support you and care....

Love
Creme