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[cocobars]

Yes!  LOL!  I believe you most likely will change your mind and go back and forth on your decision.  The wedding is important to your daughter, and I sincerely went through a very similar thing with mine!  You are like looking into a mirror right now, ex husband and all!  I ended up going to her wedding and reception, because I thought it would upset her if I didn't.  It was the hardest thing to live through and I lived a 6-7 hour drive away.  My ex's wife had paraded herself as my daughter's mother and I was treated like some crazy woman by the staff (and some of the guests who didn't know me), who had just stepped in off the street "claiming" to be her real mother.  I won't go into the whole story, but I can tell you it was painful and I'm not sure I'll ever be over some of the things that were done and said.  I still don't regret going, because I believe that someday, my daughter will actually "think" about what I went through emotionally to be at her wedding, but I was there and I took everything they threw at me with a smile.  Then I cried all the way back home!  I wanted her to know how important she was to me and even if she doesn't realize that today, I also believe someday she will! 

The funny thing about abuse is that I could deal with the visible symptoms (the ones people could physically see).  I even went through counselling.  What never seems to heal is the fear I feel on the inside.  This nausea, shaking, and fear is very real still and I haven't been married to my ex-husband for years.  I believe it's something I will always be faced with.  It's permanent for me and I have learned to live with it as best I can.  That was another reason why I decided to go.  I wasn't going to change what had happened to me, but I could change the way my daughter would feel if I wasn't there supporting her and sharing her joy in that day for her.

I made my decision, and as painful as that day was for me, I believe the payoffs outweighed the one day in my life I had to swallow my pride for.  For her.  I felt this was "her" day and it had nothing to do with me. 

You have quite a struggle ahead of you.  I hope you stay in her life and support her, because I believe a little boy who calls you "grandma" needs you there, if nothing more.  That's just my opinion, and I know you will get lots more.  You have lots of time to decide before that day comes.  If it were me, I would accept the invitation, make sure someone was willing to come support me, and buy the gift or make out the check.  You can always leave it at that for now.  Later may be another story, but I think you will need all the support you can muster!  I hope you get some of that support here!

Keep your chin up and think positive thoughts and keep positive people around you!  You deserve to be happy and understood.  As mother's we don't always feel that way (understood), but I believe patience and time will help!  Hugging you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

[2chickiebaby]

That was beautiful advice, Coco.

[cocobars]

Thank you Chickie!  

[Marilyn]

I agree with chicki,that was beautiful advice Coco.I thought of you when i read FLU's post.
I dont know your whole story,but from bits and pieces,i figured you could give her the best advice.I don't know how any body can ever get totally over the abuse of being beaten for years on end.

[cocobars]

I agree with chicki,that was beautiful advice Coco.I thought of you when i read FLU's post.
I dont know your whole story,but from bits and pieces,i figured you could give her the best advice.I don't know how any body can ever get totally over the abuse of being beaten for years on end.

I agree.  I saw this post and had to do a double take, looking at the name.  I could have written it myself while sleeping!    You're very observant Mominwaiting and loving toward everyone here!  I think you have a gift for understanding people.  I don't know if you've considered that or not.  But...  Thank you sincerely, from someone who admires your advice and your reach.  I guess we admire eachother's strengths here when we notice them.

Flusa, hang in there!  Time is a great healer, and knowing you're not alone in this place will keep you positive and strong!

[cocobars]

Flusa, I just wanted to add one thing.  What I told you about was the way I handled my situation which was so silimar to yours.  Similar, but not exactly the same and only you know all the factors at play in your heart.  It is only one way to do it and look at it.  I don't expect you or anyone else to think or do the same thing I did.  I believe we all see things differently and wouldn't expect everyone to have my reactions or views, and as you can see by the different replies you've gotten so far, there will be a wide range of feelings about this.

Ultimately this is about your feelings, and you will make the right decision for you at the time.  That's all that matters - that you are comfortable with what is right in your own heart.  I think if you stay calm and positive you will know more about what you can handle and will do what's right for you by the time you need to make that decision.  This is a very hard decision, but it is yours to make and I know you will get there.

I hope strength will find you and stay with you, and I'm keeping you in my own thoughts as you go through this.  Your final decision will be the right one, no matter what that decision is.

[FLUSA2005]

Thank you all for you advice, and Coco that was a beautiful reply.
As far as my grandson goes my daughter has shared custody with her ex and my husband and I see our granddaughter and grandson through him, he's more than willing and happy to share them and include us his family. My daughter on the other hand a long time ago told me the only time I can see the grandchildren is if I babysit them because her life is too busy otherwise. Mind you she lives a mile away. When we're on good terms she only calls me is if she wants me to babysit and she never comes by for a visit, I don't have a car so I'm restricted as to where I can go. I'm very close to my granddaughter who is nine because my daughter (who was married) didn't want much to do with her when she was born so I raised her for the first three years. My daughter would take her daughter home when it was convenient for her. My daughter and I are not close, never have been and I'm uncomfortable around her, since I'm always waiting for her to say something to hurt me. For Mother's Day 2009 she went to the beach with a girlfriend and I sat alone as my husband was working. What she wants comes first and it's always been like that and I'm last man on the totem pole. A few years ago I told my daughter that if she ever got married again I not would attend the wedding if her father was there so if we don't go it wouldn't be a surprise. Unfortunately my husband and I don't have money to throw around but her father does and his parents are rich so I'm sure that's what's behind a lot why my daughter keeps in touch with her father, money has always impressed her. She's a big disappointment to me, but she's an adult and I can't change her.

[Marilyn]

FLUSA,your probably right about the money factor.I know the money plays a big part with my DIL,her Mom and Step Dad throw money their way also.And my DIL throws this up to my son,telling him how much her Mom buys,and spends on them.I dont have the extra money,i wish i did,i would love to be able to take them on trips,and buy them nice things all the time.But i live alone,and my income level is way below theirs.This does'nt mean i love them less,and wish they could see it that way.I might not be rich with money,or material things,but i feel i'm much more rich with charactor,and humanity.And you should too Flusa,money does'nt make you who you are,and should'nt alter your ego.And yes,your daughter is an adult,and you cant change her.You can only change the way you respond,and react to her.The stronger you get,the easier this becomes.
With all the support here at WWU,you will get much stronger.
Sending a hug

[FLUSA2005]

Good Morning Ladies!
Well after much discussion with my husband about my daughter's upcoming wedding and having to face my ex who tried to kill me we've decided not to go. We will gain nothing if we do go, and my daughter will continue to treat me hatefully whether I go to her wedding or stay home. If I had to face her father I would walk away with more emotional turmoil and I've been through enough. I have a loving husband who supports me and over the years has taught me how to laugh again and that's all that really matters. I've told my daughter I love her many times and have apologized for my mistakes so there's nothing more I can do. She is choosing to close the door on a mother and daughter relationship, not I, she feels she has done nothing wrong and I should take all the abuse she has to dish out. I walked away from the abuse of her father and I'm walking away from the abuse of my daughter, at 31 years old she is an adult and has chosen her abusive father over me. I still have the love of my two grandchildren who I see through my daughter's ex and they make my life whole.

[cremebrulee]

You have to do first, what is best for you and hubby...any stress you assume from bad things which happen to you, will inevidably effect your hubby to...

I'm glad you feel good about this and your hubby is supportive...I'm with you on this also...yes, there will be consequenses, however, your DD seems to be contrary anyway...therefore, the decission you've made to me, is reasonable and wise.

Hugs
Creme

[cocobars]

Flusa, I'm so sorry and I also have to tell you that I understand this decision.  I had to put my daughter behind my thoughts as well, for many reasons similar to yours.  I hope someday our daughter's will wake up and realize that when someone is throwing money at you, it doesn't equate to love.  Sometimes love is just there - it's free.

I'm here with you and I hope you will keep coming back here to vent and to cry if you need to.  I am supporting your decision!  I know it is the right one for you!

Feel that?  It's me hugging you!  I think we both need that one!

[FLUSA2005]

Thanks ladies for your replies and understanding. Yes I will be back, I feel like I've finally found friends who understand me. Unless one has been where we have it's difficult to explain the deep feelings, also the deep feelings of loss. Hopefully with the things I have gone through I will be able to add some insight to others problems. I'm sending hugs your way and the hand of friendship.

[luise.volta]

Thanks to you, too, for trusting us and for adding your wisdom to our e-family. You decision wasn't reached quickly or easily but Ithink it is extremely wise. Please know that we all walk with you.

[Pen]

Best wishes, Flusa. We all know this decision was very very hard to make, but I agree with Luise. You've done all you can and don't need to be abused anymore. Enjoy your GCs and your DH who love you very much!

[FLUSA2005]

A short update.........A married cousin has invited my husband to their house the day of my daughter's wedding. My daughter is getting married in the town where we live and my cousin lives an hour and a half away, so we will be out of town the day of the wedding. What a relief!