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Started by FLUSA2005, March 10, 2010, 10:36:17 AM

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FLUSA2005

March 10, 2010, 10:36:17 AM Last Edit: March 10, 2010, 01:24:58 PM by FLUSA2005
I'm hoping someone out there can give me some advice, I'm at the point where I'm having chest pains. My first marriage I spent years being abused verbally and physically by my ex husband it got to the point where one night he tried to kill me. Long story short we divorced and I've been very happily married now 11 years. I have a daughter in her 30's from this first marriage who lives a mile from us who we only see if she wants us to babysit her children. She is rude and nasty to me, she feels she can say whatever she wants to me and I should take it. If she says something that hurts me and I say something back she gets even more nasty to me, her boyfriend has even screamed at me an inch from my face (had chest pains from that which my daughter told me she didn't care if I died). I haven't seen my ex husband since my divorce 12 years ago and he terrifies me still. My husband also has a daughter in her late 20's who he never sees since she told him she wanted him out of her life . She did not like the fact we were getting married. Anyway I just got an email from my daughter telling me she and he live in boyfriend are getting married, a second marriage for both. She says she wants my husband and I there but warned me that she's having my ex husband give her away and will invite my husbands daughter, both she knows we both have avoided for years. Am I wrong for not wanting to attend, my husband's daughter has a tendency to cause confrontations and between that and being around my ex husband I feel like I'll have a heart attack. How do I say no gracefully?
Thanks to all who respond.

Marilyn

Welcome FLUSA,your chest pains sounds like your having a anxiety attack.Please try to focus on some thing good for a while to calm your self down.You have found a place here,with a lot of supportive,compassionate women.I'm sorry you are having to go thru this.Hopefully by the time the wedding gets here,you will have enough support and input from a lot of us from WWU,you can make a better decision about attending.I understand your fear,but please try to calm your self down for right now,to relieve your chest pains.

FLUSA2005

Thanks so much! I will try to focus on something more pleasant.

catchingup


If it is a church wedding then attend the ceremony but dont go to the reception.

Perhaps your daughter resents you for divorcing your husband and does not understand the magnitude of the abuse you had to suffer.

I understand where you are coming from because I was continually verbally abused by my mother-in-law
.
My husband said things to me too that was nothing short of abuse but I realize now that a lot of what he said was language used in their home.

The trouble with being in an abusive relationship is that it affects the children because the  mother is unhappy and cannot concentrate fully on a loving.caring attitude towards the children,though it does not change the fact that she loves them.


Orly

Your daughter has given you a heads-up....your abusive ex will be giving her away.  Wish her well, send a present and regretfully decline to attend due to your health.

As much as you love her....putting yourself into your ex's line of sight, with a new husband, is just a nasty to-do waiting to happen.  This is the one area that I'd really have to bow out from, even if it causes your daughter to get vindictive.   Abusive ex's need to get given that wide berth, and this is the one thing that you need to think about for yourself first.  Your adult daughter needs to come second to your protection concerns.

Marilyn

Flusa,we will be here for you,you are not alone.Hope you are able to relax and feel supported by us.

cocobars

Hi Flusa, and welcome!  Thinking all of this out and considering the health symptoms you're having over this, I would have to agree with trying not to attend (at least the reception).  I know this is an important day in your daughter's life though and would be tempted to attend the wedding, skipping the reception (as Orly  suggested, for health reasons).  The fact that I hadn't seen them for so long, would put my own nerves on edge and if you decide to go, just don't go alone.  It's common for ex-husbands and ex-wives to be at weddings these days.  I went to my daughter's wedding and had to smile through a horrific day of awful treatment from my ex-husband and his wife.  I made it through, because I didn't want her to feel she wasn't important to me.  It sounds to me like you are having anxeity attacks, as Mominwaiting pointed out.  I would be afraid those could escalate into something more serious if you're not careful.

Come back and post here as much as you need to!  We aren't experts, but are women who truly understand!

Hugging you!

luise.volta

Hi - I'm welcoming you, too...sincerely. However, I'm kind of in charge of quality control. I'd like to ask you to re-read our Agreement under "Open Me First" on the Home page. No profanity or substitutions for profanity are to be used. If we can figure it out, it's not OK. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Hi Flusa!  If you would like to edit out the words in your original post, you can click on the "Modify" button at the top right side of your post.  That will give you a screen just like the one you had when you originally wrote it out. 

I hope this helps!  Take care! ;)

FLUSA2005

Sorry about that, my post has been edited.

The chest pains are gone, I know it was anxiety. My daughter does know the extent of the abuse as she did witness some. She saw the bruises too and asked me how much longer I was going to take it. She doesn't have a problem with her step father, they've actually gotten along fine through the years. It's me she has a problem with she's very sarcastic and puts me down a lot the way her father did and if I say anything she says I'm too sensative. As far as her wedding goes, since we're in FL I'm hoping it's outside even though it's a winter wedding it is still warm here. If it's outside we may attend that way we can watch the wedding and leave unnoticed, frankly I'd like to arrive unnoticed too. I wish I wasn't still terrified of my ex, but I am and that's not something my daughter can understand, she says I should be long over what he did to me.

Orly

The fact you are terrified of your ex-husband is a big factor in going.  That your daughter thinks you should get over the abuse and the attempted murder of you is beyond the pale to me.  She is lucky dad isn't in jail and is there to escort her down the aisle....seems to me you gave him a pretty big pass there.   That tiny flag about her BF screaming at you, is also leading me to believe she is setting herself up to learn your history lesson...first hand.  I hope not for her sake.

Sure ex's from acrimonious divorces show up at family functions frequently....but, tipping the toast with someone who had tried to kill one?   That is just abit too forgiving for my nature. 

cremebrulee

Hi Flusa and welcome
sending you great big hugs

I'm guessing, your DD picked up her father's abusive character...nothing much you can do about it...however, first and formost is your health...

If it were me, I'd probably attend the wedding in the back somewhere, but would not go to the reception...

I'd also make certain someone was with me for support...but if you decide not to go, I would certainly understand way...it's easy for me to say what I'd do, but I'm not nearly as emotionally close as you are.

My best to you...and please keep us posted...this is a great place with great ladies who will support you...we're here for you.

Hugs
Creme

luise.volta

Thank you so much for that editing. I really appreciate how you took that.

And I honestly think this is a place where anxiety symptoms can be lessened. At least they have been for me on several occasions. Once in a while I just need to know I am being heard and am not alone with my issues. (I'm my husband's caretaker and he is 98 years old.) Sending love.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

FLUSA2005

Thanks everybody so much. It's so nice to be able to tell my problems to such a nice group of women! I stumbled on your site looking for a solution to my problem and I'm so thankful I did!
The next ten months are going to be very long, as I'm probably going to go back and forth on what I should do as opposed to what I feel I should do.
I haven't seen my ex since I ran to my car the day we were divorced and I really don't want to see him again. My husband thinks we should go to the wedding just so no one can say we're the bad guys. I'm sure if anyone attending knew the circumstances they would understand.
The abuse went on for 23 years and I stayed until my daughter was 18 that way she had both a mother and father, I guess I should have left when she was younger, but what's done is done. I wish she would understand how I feel but she chooses to see her father as a good guy, although she only sees him physically once a year, but what from I gather they speak on the phone frequently. I guess because he's told her he treated me badly, she feels the abuse should be forgotten but that doesn't change the fact that he abused me. He apologized to me over and over while we were married too. In my heart I feel she's also headed into an abusive relationship because the man she's with is very controlling and she does as he says. He's not too nice to her children either, and has said more than once her five year old son reminds him of her ex and he always yelling at the top of his lungs at this little boy, and it breaks my heart. Yes I've mentioned my concerns to my daughter but it falls on deaf ears, her boyfriend is the be all and end all. When I told her how her boyfriend yelled at me she said she did not care and he had the right to do so. I said what about respecting your elders, her reply was Mom no one does that anymore that's old fashioned. Since when did respect go out of style?

2chickiebaby

Dear FLU,
I want to welcome you to the site and please know that we know how hard this is to even speak about.  I think kids sometime take the side of the abuser for some reason; I can't understand why but they often do.  I'm not an expert so I don't know for sure.

I know you're in such a state of "I don't know what to do".  I can see where you should go, otherwise it will be another strike against you. You know that in the end, you'll be the only one left standing if something happens to this relatonship to take her in or to love her.

I'm so sorry about your little grandson!  That is heartbreaking and hard to watch, I know. Such a terrible state to be in.  You will make the right decision in the end, the one that's right for you.

If you cut them off all together, it might be worse for you in the end. That little boy will have no safety zone at all.

As far as respect for your elders?  I don't know what happened to that.  It is gone for the most part.  I'm horrified at the idea of how this has happened in one generation. I can't imagine what will happen in the next one.

Come back here and let us know what you decide. Many blessings to you.