My son and daughter

[Momma Cat]

I am almost 60 years young and have a husband, two children (a son and a daughter) and three grandchildren, two boys and a girl.

My first experience with "losing" a child came in 1989  when my daughter left home to live with her boyfriend at the age of 18.  Condensed version:  Two years later, she's pregnant, moves in with us and has a baby boy, our first grandchild.  She leaves again when the baby was two weeks old.  Saw them at a new doctor's office two years later.  She had a newborn baby boy.  I tried to talk to her and see grandchildren, but boyfriend/husband got in my face and wouldn't allow me to see them.  Haven't seen or talked to daughter or grandsons since.  MIL kept in contact and told us daughter told her that husband was stealing money she sent in her cards to them.  Broke our hearts and we cried for months.  Didn't think we could go on, but we had to for each other and our son's sake.

In November 2008, son met a new girlfriend.  He is now 36 and she is 24.  She's married but separated with two children.  She moved in with our son after claiming that her husband was breaking into her trailer and she was afraid to be alone.  Boy, did she move in!  Out with all his furniture and in with all of hers.  They fought almost constantly and he finally kicked her out after a few months.  She came back crying that she and the kids had nowhere else to go.  She immediately got pregnant.  Son told us he felt trapped.  Yes, he was.

She loved all the attention she got while she was pregnant but still arranged it so that any outing we planned with her children was cancelled at the last minute.  She wouldn't even say hello when we would come in the door, just give us a blank stare but that was nothing new.  Son slowly became her slave.  She had a fit when he got up one night to go to the bathroom and he forgot to bring her a glass of water.  Same thing when he forgot to brush the children's teeth after he gave them a bath.  Nothing was ever her fault.  Insisted her children had to visit their dad on weekends and holidays although he's an ex-con and provides no child support.  Texts him at work three to four times an hour.  Texted him at the hospital while his dad was having surgery to complain about his cat throwing up a hairball on her couch.  Just a few small examples.  Highly abnormal behavior but we tried to stay neutral for our son's sake.  Every time he would get disgusted with her and come visit us, he would agree that her behavior was abnormal, but make excuses for her and go right back to her abuse because "I love her."

The day granddaughter and son's married girlfriend were to leave the hospital, a nurse came in to "take care of the baby's paternity."  I was there and girlfriend freaked out, trying to convince son to do it next week.  I thought, "Why are you afraid for son to sign legal papers stating he is the father and put his last name on the baby's birth certificate?"  After I left the room in shock, she told son she was afraid they were going to do a paternity test.  Her story later changed to "I thought you and your mom didn't think the baby was yours."  Couldn't be husband's because he was in prison when she became pregnant, hoping she is son's, but we do wonder.  Son says he knows she is his because he knows she'd never cheat on him!

The last time son visited after a fight, we couldn't take it any more and made the mistake of not telling him "everything will be OK" and "you'll work it out."  He left in a huff.  Stupid me sent him an email at work thinking he was still agonizing over their fight.  I told him how abusive she was and that no normal person would treat him the way she treated him.  We didn't know it, but they "talked like adults" the night he left our house and made up.  So I unwittingly gave her a free "Get rid of his family" card, but she would of gotten rid of us anyway eventually.  Stupid of me but at the time I was at my breaking point and couldn't take any more.  Long story short, I am now evil and so is my husband.

Son feels he had to choose between us or as his girlfriend call it "his family."  What a hypocrite.  She's still married to someone else.  Had to change our cell phone numbers due to her sending us nasty, cruel messages.  Tried to reason with son to no avail.  He came over to pick up some tools he left in our basement, give us our Dads, and give us back the keys to our house and get his house keys.  His decision.  Never thought he would ever do anything like his sister did so many years ago because he saw the hurt we went through.  But we does still love us in his heart, even if he's too afraid of his girlfriend's wrath to show it.

This is my rambling story.  I know firsthand the damage people with a personality disorder can cause and how they turn our sons/daughters into their victims.

Best but hardest advice I was given by a counselor:  Go on with your life.  You deserve happiness.

Love and hugs to all.  Momma

[luise.volta]

Thank you for sharing that. And thank you, Coco, for asking for the story. I'm sending you love and compassion. We do our best as parents and then our adult kids do what they do. They are young, inexperienced and inept and sometimes the price is high for everyone concerned. We can't give them life-experience or make choices for them and we grieve.

I, for one, am much more sensitive to this kind of a post so we can begin to get to know you. I can relate. Letting go is the hardest thing for all of us who have taken that road to do and stick to.

Stay with us if you feel sharing with us will help and you will find that you can help us, too. Please, however, leave the diagnostic profiles off the site because they only confuse the issue for most of us.

[Momma Cat]

I'm gone.  This is what I get for trying to help.   Momma

[cocobars]

Momma Cat,  your story is heartbreaking.  I'm sorry to hear about it.  I'm happy you changed your picture for your first few posts.  Maybe you can put that one back up after a few posts.  I waited for this to go in a new post last night so I could welcome you "properly," but had to get some sleep because I get up so early in the morning to work (I'm in the East Coast area, and don't know what you're time period is in), had to sign off.  I didn't want you to feel you were not welcomed though, so I'm taking a little time at work in the morning to read your story.

It sounds like you are facing some cold realities, and yes, I agree with you.  I think our sons love us, but are in positions where they have someone else pulling those strings, and because they are in relationships, they need to consider that spouses feelings.  I think it's good to remember that DS still loves you, but gave DIL that choice and she made it for him.  I believe DS is being a good husband by staying at her side, and I believe you raised him well for him to be this way.  I know that doesn't ease the pain you're feeling, and believe you are in the right place by coming here.  It's a site I've found great comfort in, and I'm looking forward to your wisdom. 

I know I started in a protective stance with you, and I'm sorry about that.  I am happy you told us about your situation, and that helps me understand where you are coming from.  Thank y ou!

Come back and post as often as you want!  I've found some wonderful and compassionate women here, and I believe you will too!  Welcome to our cirlcle of wise women.  I hope you find this to be a place of comfort.  I believe you are wise and compassionate to and am happy to have you here with us!

[cremebrulee]

momma cat

Welcome and please know my heart goes out to you...

as the other ladies have stated, we're all dealing with the hardest part, which is letting go...however, once that you can accomplish that, life is much more peaceful and you'll start to regain confidence. 

First, we have to understand, when our children leave our homes, it's they're time to live, they're time to be...they're going to make mistakes, but we need to stay out of it.  We need to allow them to be who they are and learn from they're mistakes.  We must realize, we'll always be mothers, but we no longer control our children, they do not belong to us, they are not a thing...

the one thing that comes to mind is this...there is nothing you can do now...however, I'm guessing the relationship will not last...and if and when your children come to you and tell you, that they're relationship is splitting up, be there for them, but do not talk against they're spouse...give them time, but firmly advise them, please do not go jumping into a relationship right away...live a lone for a while and please do get some counseling to figure out why you choose someone so dysfunctional and why you felt, it was ok to be treated like that, otherwise, your going to continue choosing partners that are not compatible with you mentally and your life will be one of self persecuition. 

For now, that is all I have to add...but please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...

hugs
Creme

[2chickiebaby]

MommaCat, no one knows the pain until they've gone thru it.  I'm so sorry you are going thru this.  Stay with us!!!!! 
Many blessings!! Don't leave!!

[Marilyn]

Welcome Momma Cat,i can not imagine the pain you have had to endure.My heart just breaks for you.I have one son and DIL that i have almost let totally destroy my life,i don't think i would of been able to cope,if it were two.
I'm so glad you found MMU,there are so many supportive,caring,compassionate women here,that truly feel your pain.
I went to the web site you posted,and read "stockholm syndrome"........wow!I found that to be very,very informative.And truly see my son.It explains why he has changed,and why he avoids his family makes a lot of sense.I want to thank you,for that information.It will help me,with going forward with my life.After reading that article, i feel i can turn some scars into strengths.

Please come back and post some more,
sending you a hug

[cocobars]

Hi Momma Cat!

I noticed you came through today!  I just wanted to let you know, I'm glad I didn't chase you off, and I was tickled to see you back!   

Feel that?  It's me, hugging you!

P.S.- I hope you keep posting.  It meant so much to me to have the understanding and the compassionate words of all the women here, and I believe you will benefit from that too!  It's nice to know you're understood and even nicer to know we are not alone!

[2chickiebaby]

To Momma Cat,
I hope and pray that you will come back.  We want to welcome you properly.  I know you said you had lost 2 kids.  How hard and sad has to be.  It's a heartbreak you can't get over by yourself.

I want you to feel comfortable here. Please do.  We are a good bunch of people and want you here.  We are all hurting too.

Please, just post something so we will know you're okay.  Sending hugs your way.

[cocobars]

Momma bear, we are here for you!

[luise.volta]

She's here right now...reading our posts. Hope she takes the next step.

[Momma Cat]

Thank you all for your kind replies.  Hope you realize how much they mean to me.  What a wonderful group of women you all are!  Sorry I haven't replied personally to each of you, but I was going through a rough time since my first posts.  Guess I'm a little more sensitive than I normally am lately and I've always had a big fear of rejection.  Just needed to get some perspective and gain my confidence back.

Son is at least staying in contact with his dad.  My MIL (91) is in a hospital on Long Island with a bad case of pneumonia, so he's been emailing husband at work to ask how she's doing.  He is truly a kind, gentle man but is just blinded right now by his love for his girlfriend.  So there is some hope that he will eventually want us back in his life.  Unfortunately, daughter is very unlikely to ever want us back in her life, but we're OK with that.

We're staying busy, going on with our lives.  We've gone through the stages of grief and I think we've finally reached the acceptance stage.  It's so nice to be able to crack a joke with each other and not walk around feeling totally numb or sad any more!  Life does go on and it can be good even if it's not the life you want.

Big hugs to all.  Momma

[2chickiebaby]

Thank goodness you're back!! I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown here!! I'm so sorry about your son amd daigjter/ That is the most painful loss in the world.

Sending wonderful thoughts to you and hoping you'll stay with us, MommaCat.  We need each other.

[cocobars]

Momma Cat!  I'm so happy to see you!  I know of some other women who will be excited that you are doing well and back posting.  You have survived so much through this relationship with your son, that I know it has to be so hard at times.  The good thing?  You're here with so many others who understand your sorrow - yes, me too! 

Please don't be afraid to post and keep us informed.  Chickie will be excited to see you here!  She was so heartbroken over your problems!  We can always use another wise woman coming in to understand and share with us!  Welcome to the circle of wise women!  From me to you!  I'm so happy to have you here!!!

P.S. - I mean it!

[Marilyn]

Mommy cat,I'm so glad your back,and i love your new pic!!!
We all understand the fear of rejection,it's very painful.But your back,and thats the most important thing.
You really have had a lot to  deal with, and it sounds like you have come a long way.The acceptance stage takes time to get to.
Glad your going to be part of WWU

Sending a hug