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Death of a Mother in Law

Started by Prissy, May 11, 2009, 07:08:38 PM

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millie

Thank you girls,
there is so much wisdom here. I'm not sure what I will do yet I've been mulling Prissys idea over in my head off and on all day...
Luise, I'm not sure if I could follow through with your idea, I'll have to give that some thought as well I don't want to create any drama honest I don't! but at the same time...its important to me that my son knows I know...you know?  or is that just retaliation..? I don't think so, but I'm trying to figure out why its so important to me that he knows I know.  I think its my way of reminding him I'll always be around (5mins away)?! maybe I see it as just another opportunity. the hope never ends does it?!

luise.volta

Well, you could send him a card...that would let him know that you know, right? All I am suggesting is that you may be making it harder on yourself, if not others, by trying in any way to be present at the event, even as an observer.

As horrible as it sounds, they have the right to lives their lives as they choose. Someone reminded me recently, when I wrote that on MomResponds, that there is such a thing as Grandparental Rights. Apparently, you can go to an attorney, press charges and get mandatory visitation. I wonder, though, who among us would go to that extreme and how the grand kids would feel about it, if we did? It feels irreconcilable to me. That's why I have attempted to come up with suggestions and options. Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

I guess I'll just have to sleep on it (hopefully) awhile...I want to go and I don't...either way its not gonna feel good. Harden my heart huh?!  don't know if I can..feels like an open wound most of the time...anyhoo...will think this weekend...am getting away to a lake for two days (I live in Southern Ca.) will try to not talk about this to friends in that time (HA)! will miss you guys...enjoy whatever you can! by the way its the 31st of this month. I have time to think (obsess..)? good thing I don't have a laptop you would always be with me...

Bride2Be

Hello everyone!!

I was reading one of the posts by Prissy and it struck a chord with me.  When you said a friend of yours said to "harden you heart", I have been doing that for years. 

I tried so many times to "accept" my FH mother for who she is, that I am worn out from all the back and forth drama.  I would ask myself, "Does this woman really care about me or is she only concerned with how she is perceived by me??"  I would ask that because when I would try to talk to her, it would always feel like criticism on her part.  Questions as to why I would do something because she just can't understand why, or even when I would ask her not to do somethings with my children she would act as if she's having to walk on eggs around me.  She would make comments like "Well I know you would be so angry with me if I did that so I made sure I didn't."  It's not that I would be angry but that I'm the mom now and I make the rules for my children.  This all makes me think does she really want to be apart of my life for me or my children?  Does she care that the way she wants me to feel about her is not what I feel?  Can she every imagine that maybe my lack of interest in a relationship is solely based on her actions and remarks?? 

Prissy's friends comment really made me think about who's being hurt in all this madness.  I'm having to harden my heart in order to deal with my FH's mother because I'm not who she wants me to be and vice versa.  I don't feel for her the way she wants me to and she doesn't back off the way I would like.  I shouldn't have to harden my heart but I do and it has helped, but I'm sure my FH isn't completely happy with how things have ended up.

It's really hard to care for someone completely, not just because of the title they carry in your life, but because of how they make you feel and vice versa.  Just because I will be a DIL soon doesn't mean I will have the feelings that "should" come with it, whether that's right or wrong.  Being a MIL doesn't "entitle" you to love from a woman whom you didn't raise, weren't there for the smallest cuts to high school heartbreaks and may have negative feelings about for what ever reason.

I wish I wouldn't have had to harden my heart as much as I have because sometimes I think it can't be reversed.  I would like to try to work things out with my FH's mother but with so much past hurt on both parts, how do I convey that I don't want to rush anything??  How do I open the doors to create a new relationship with her and be realistic about the relationship?

luise.volta

Well, it seems to me that all you can do is what you're doing. My take is that the lady has some serious limitations that you have probably pegged pretty accurately. Starting over with a clean slate would take two mature people in agreement. I'm not sure you have that or can create it, unilaterally.

As far as hardening the heart, I don't know. It seems to me the heart takes a real beating when there is misunderstanding and misrepresentation and that pulling away or "hardening" is pretty much a natural survival response. We open our hearts...hoping...but it is simply unwise to keep them open if battering is what comes, masked as love or "whatever."

I'm very touched by your ability to express that marriage to anyone's son doesn't automatically guarantee an instant, deep and abiding friendship and connection between mother in law and daughter in law. Those things come, if and when they do, over a relatively long period of time as mutual respect builds. With few exceptions, there's probably no shortcut.   

I feel that you are a blessing to this site...giving us a lot to think about. I also think you are doing your best under very difficult circumstances.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

I think I should have said in my last post that I was responding to Beide2Be. (I'm learning.)  ;D

So, the rest of this is to Millie: I, too, am thinking of you and your Memorial Weekend  vacation during which you will be making your decision. I'm sending loving, healing energy your way. Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

Hi guys...

I'm Baaack!  Luise, you were so right....it does always feel like I'm dragging my heart around...reminds me of the best discription of motherhood I ever hood..." your heart is always walking around without you"

Hope you had some "happy time" this weekend...I did..I learned a few things about ME this weekend....I learned I'm "ok" without makeupkl doing my hair, or wearing the same socks for three days!
(phew)! but seriously it was cold and I'm a native Californian

I think I know what I'm going to do too...(about the 31st) I'm going to go but sit where they don't see me..find them after church and just hand them two envelopes..one for the babies, and one for my son..a letter I wrote him a year ago. Its not a negative one or one that my DIL can't read or show to someone else (her mother) and be misinterpreted (I think) anyway I;m going to go hand the envelopes and hopefully get out of there as quickly and quietly as I can...and try to remain "hardened" to anything around me...(don't know what I'll do if I see grandbabies though)

its early enough in the morning so that I can plan something fun to do afterwards to look forward to..and at least I'll be able to say I was there...I was thinking about my mom this weekend and I know she would have done that...(wonderfully stubborn old Italian lady) she would have spit in the wind! (or my DIL's eye) maybe I need to be more like her (tough I mean).

it was nice to come home to you guys though...I want to write each of you a note and "thank you", I know you each have your own heartache that your going through...I have my "dirty therapy" what do you do to make yourselves feel better? hobbies, obsessions, etc? (not to change the subject though I promise)...Bride2be..you've given me some things to think about..I've thought I never did anything to make my DIL uncomfortable... but after reading your last entry, I wonder. will think on it somemore...I thinks she's terribly lucky to get you!

luise.volta

Welcome Home, Millie! Missed you! Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

Hi everyone,

read the scripts of the last week...wow...Bride2be..I agree with Prissy...in that you have a long way to go, maybe (and hopefully you will never get it) I have felt sorry for young girls I see with little boys...I hope they will have better luck with thier DIL's someday...you might ask yourself what you yourself would want as a MIL? I take it as a sign when young girls such as yourself don't DEFER to their MIL's (at least to their our faces)...to me that shows me they want to be my friend...SORRY! I don't want to be theirs!  I'm older, and I was raised in a different time, where young people treated older people with a little more dignity then they would treat their FRIENDS!

maybe I am just old-fashioned but being older meant being a little higher up on the food chain then a friend...as in GRANDmother?

anyway, I'm probably in for another dose of heartache tomorrow as my grandbabies are being baptized in church (no I did not get an invitation)! but I'm going anyway...sit in the back...and see what I can see...maybe hand my son a letter I worte a yr ago...maybe not but anyway I got alittle something for the babies and they will get it one way or the other! worried about seeing them though....will probably have to air out a bit on the computer tomorrow....sleeping pill tonight though! I thank God for you guys and this site...it feels so wonderful to be heard...Luise..Bless you and Kirk!




luise.volta

Hi Millie,

It's Sunday morning...and today is the day. Just putting it out there that you are not alone...you have a new family, and that's all of us. Sending you loving, healing energy.

I will share, probably on Grab Bag, what has been going on with me. (Lots.)

Blessings,

Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

Anyone who wants to know..I went to the baptismal, sat in the balcony and watched...my son, DIL and grandbabies, her parents, her brother, her parents friends the whole pack of em..

sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself? I am now fourteen hours later..I'm pretty sure some of her family recognized me but I left early gave a letter to the nursery teacher for my son and wife (the babies didn't see me) then left and dropped some gifts off for the children at thier house while they were still in church...

I think I handled it pretty well...but now I don't know I can't sleep again...thinking of how my daughter keeps trying to somehow make up for her jerk of a brother...will she always feel this way? and the anger at my husband for doing nothing! I know he's hurting as well but I just wish we could present a united front to her family at times like this...its so lonely....How has the loss of your sons affected the rest of your family relationships? have you gotten closer or further away? HOW???

its was surreal sitting by myself watching everything take place in church..all I could think about was how hypocritical ,how unbelievably disappointed I was in my son...but at the same time...I could see he had people around him and the babies that cared about him...not a bad thing right? I'm glad for him I really am, but...............so much for sleep..............let go and let God ........

luise.volta

Oh, Millie...you had a whole gang around you, too. All of us!

And I know that often men aren't able (or maybe willing) to get into such deep emotional water. Letting go is such a tall order and yet I'm sure that's the only way to go. We can't have our lives end because someone took an eraser and erased us from their reality. We haven't been erased from the planet. Bless your daughter's heart for caring. And no, of course she shouldn't have to try to make up for your son. Each person has his/her own reaction and takes whatever path is chosen.

I'm not suggesting you take up basket weaving but there are people who are childless that lead full lives. There are other avenues beyond those of the heart that have been initiated by our choice to become parents. Fir instance, one of my readers on my other web site signed up to be a part time foster parent and is creating other "grandchildren" to love, who need it desperately.

I think many of us seem to have experienced being loved without reservation by one child while being damned by another. That's so confusing...at least for me.

Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

geo

Why does it have to be this was between MIL's And DIL's I really don't understand.I have always loved my mother in law and respected her.I never once tried to talk bad about her to my husband or keep him from seeing her.But I have a Daughter in law that loves to make the whole family unhappy.She cause's brothers to turn against brothers.And sister in law against sister in law,Father and son against eachother,son against Mother.She just not happy it seems unless she has everyone fighting.Why? I cant for the life of me understand.My heartbreaks at 40 because I look at prissys list and I see it happening.I love all 3 of my son's very much.But I think she will eventually turn my son away from his brothers his dad and his mother what do you do how do you stop this? ??? ???

luise.volta

Welcome Geo: We are a strange little band, probably, but the glue that holds us together is the kind of compassion you were just offered from Prissy.

We have all run the emotional gauntlet, maybe in different ways but that doesn't matter. We've been stunned by disloyalty and betrayal, we've been racked with guilt while wondering what we did wrong, we've been high on hopes before we realized we were being lied to and we've been shattered by the devastation of loss and despair.

We're here to share and care...and we're here to listen and contribute. We're just here. Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Hi Millie, I have been wondering how you are doing after your experience at the baptism? Any family fall-out? Are you OK? Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama