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Death of a Mother in Law

Started by Prissy, May 11, 2009, 07:08:38 PM

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lostone

I only have a few minutes so I will try to start this and may have to finish later.

My oldest son, was a rebellious teen, bull-headed, and determined to live the way he wanted to live.  It took everything I had to keep him in school and out of jail but he made it through it.  Even better we made it through it and therefore our relationship was even more dear to me.  I was so proud of him getting his life back together and going back to college, working, basically finally growing up, when my DIL (his girlfriend) walked back into his life for the 2nd time.  The first time was fast and furious and when it ended I thought my son was heart broken and I thought he would hit rock bottom, but he didn't.  I think being with her made him want to prove something to himself (or maybe her) and he did.  I had to pinch myself when he would call me from school to tell me about what he was doing because he seemed happier than he had in years.  When he told me that DIL (girlfriend at the time of course) wanted to try again, I was scared for him getting hurt again but I told him it was his decision and that being far apart (milage wise) might help them to keep it slow and get to know each other better.  Within a few months it became apparent that soon she would be my DIL and I was happy for the both of them.  She was freindly to me, even seemed to enjoy being around me.  Both her mother and I live in the same city so when they would come to town I often invited her mother to come over for dinner so that DIL could spend more time with her mother while I would have a chance to see my son.  My only fear was that my son would quit school to be with her and he did quit with only 4 months left to graduate.  I was disapointed and told him so.  I told him that I thought he would regret it later and when "life" started happening it would get harder and harder.  I "NEVER" said not to go be with her, I just wanted him to finish.  DIL was getting her Masters Degree at the time and my son was only on his Associates, but she told him "something had to give".  It didn't make sense that someone who thought so much of education would want him to quit, but that was their business not mine.  My son said "Mom I know you just want me to be happy" to which I cried and thanked him for understanding my concern.  I also told him I would never mention it again and didn't.

Keep in mind that I did not feel I had any influence over this strong-willed young man since he was 15.  I always respected and liked his choices in friends.  All of which still give me hugs when they see me.  So I never dreamed that this sweet beautiful accomplished young woman would bring anything but goodness to our family.

I was wrong.  Within the next few months she talked my son into getting rid of his car, his cell phone, his education, his career, most of his friends, and then me and my whole side of the family.

As far as I know the only thing I did was, when I found out he came to town for the weekend visiting her family and didn't even call to say hi, or drop by for 5 minutes, I told him it hurt my feelings.  He called me back 2 days later and basically said, that since I didn't seem to appreciate the times I did see him (once in 3 months) that to teach me a lesson he would not be seeing me for Christmas.

He did come by the day before Christmas and we talked, cried, hugged, and promised to never shut each other out.  That was the one of the last times we talked and the last loving hug I will probably ever have from him...

Gotta go - more later if anyone is still interested.

millie

Am I really here? (going to try the "reply" button" anyway...Prissy sent you a long one few days ago and don't know where it went...(cyberspace)? it was under "quick notes" and I started to ramble so it wasn't so "quick".

some background, my sons been married 8 yrs the last time I talked to DIL was a yr ago. two days before her third child was due. (May14) mothers day was May10 and not a word from them (or my B;day in Feb) but she called me the day AFTER Mothers day to ask if I could babysit my grandaughters (now 5 and 3) so she could take HER mother out for mothers day! (no mention of mine) something snapped (this has been going on for 8+ yrs mind you) and I very calmly told her I didn't think I could watch the girls anymore as this felt way to phony to me and I didn't think it was healthy for any of us..then I said "Do you think (my son) will call us to let us know when the baby is here? Her answer?  I DON'T THINK SO!  so I paused then stated "well, I guess I knw where we stand don't I"? she hung up. haven't heard anything since. I cannot for the life of me figure out what we did and there has been no communication from them...my husband wants nothing to do with them...my daughter (who has been written off as well) has decided she has to move on...and I'm am still stuck. better, (especially since finding this site) but still can't sleep at times..and always...always....trying to think of a way to reach them... I've thought of leaving a note on my sons car but he is in law enforcement (part of problem)? and is in a secured parking lot at work..doesn't leave for work till 11am so I know if I leave it at the house she will see it first and who knows if he will see it (don't think he knows half of what shes done to us) since the baby (boy) was born May 14 a yr ago I have been getting all kinds of junk mail from baby mag's, similac, breast feeding help anything pretaining to new moms addressed to me! talk about turning the knife.... all this and they live 5 mins from our house...I drop presents off for Christmas and birthdays on thier porch but never get a reply and I'm ok with that now...but I worry someday the children won't appreciate it or worse yet only think of me as a soft touch when they need something....ilt seems he has divorced himself from his entire family...uncle, aunt, sister...We knew she was trouble before they were married and my husband told me someday she would hold grandchildren against me so I ate dirt for 8 yrs! can't do it anymore...but still....

luise.volta

Hi Millie and Lostone: Thank you, Millie, for hanging in there on this new Forum. It's hard sometimes to learn how to use new (to us) software. I am flopping around, too, but not as much as I did on day one!

You stand up for yourself in a moment of either strength or weakness (I find it difficult to tell which sometimes) and then the door slams. I know the feeling. Then the "would of...should of...could of" stuff that plays in your head starts. Day in and day out. Week after week. Has it gotten to months and/or years yet? I think we need to keep remembering the good times. Those precious times with our kids that we'll never forget. I keep reminding myself that no one can take them away. They happened. We really were great moms and we had  great kids! 

I find deep comfort in connecting with other women who care and in hearing about how they have taken their natural nurturing instincts and put them to use. For instance, one lady has signed up for foster care to fill the void she thought her grand kids would occupy. Another one wrote that she is feeling much better and now has a poodle! I kid you not!  :D We have to grieve and it feels to me like experiencing the compassion of others who know what this is all about...can help us heal. Our lives aren''t over. Some of our expectations may be dead but we're not. We still have a lot to give. 

Blessing to each and every one of us! Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

I'm posting this under our most active list just to remind everyone that we have other places we can write. Just for fun I have posted under "Success Stories" and "Poems." When you get a chance...take a look. Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

Dear Prissy and Luise...

My heart thanks you two so very much....I'm finding it alittle easier to sleep at night since I've found this forum.

The people closest to me I'm sure are burned out and have run out of words and now are just uncomfortable with it I think, as they have no explanation either.

Now I think your right Luise in that we need to find our joy in life through other areas and seek it where we can find it.

I've practically adopted little neighbors I have about the same age as my grandchildren.(.they are ALL so dear aren't they)? and the more time I spend outside in my dirt (gardening) the better I feel (my "dirty therapy") I guess we take care of ourselves the best we can....

Thank you both again so much for being part of my "recovery" (if there is such a thing)!


lostone

When I first started going through all of this, I was absolutely lost.  Though it felt like a death, I didn't know how to grieve, well wishers would say "he will come around" or "at least he is not dead" or my favorite "be grateful you have 2 other sons" (like grieveing for their brother meant I wasn't grateful).  It took me over a year to seek counseling where I was finally told that what I was experienceing was like a death except there would be no closure.  I was also reassured that what had happened was not my fault and that I had been a good mother.  Funny how I was the one being mistreated and I so easily took the blame.  Not that it changed one thing because the intent was not to punish me for something I did, but to banish me for being my sons mother.  I don't think this is normal behavior, and God willing my other 2 sons will meet women with more confidence.

More of the story...  When my son dated DIL the first time, he was not in school and did not have a steady job, and needed to grow up a lot.  DIL was putting a lot of pressure on him to move to be with her.  He would not go because he did not have the money or a job and did not want her to take care of him.  Her mother who told my son she liked him also told him that "he was not good enough for her daughter."   That if he moved to be with her, she would probably quit school and "FINISHING COLLEGE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!"  Flash forward to the second time they dated and I am considered enterferring when I try to encourage my son to finish with only 4 months left to go (which included the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays).

After moving there, he started calling me less, and when we did talk, he had less to say.  I knew something was not right but assumed that I was just being oversensitive.  At Thanksgiving, DIL was a bit more stand offish, but again I didn't put much thought into it.  Until the phone call where I learned they had been to town, leading to my being punished.

When he stopped by at Christmas, we talked about how he was upset that I didn't support him leaving school.  I was shocked and said, that was your decision and I promised you to let it go and I did.  He seemed more upset with me at that time about it than he did when I originally said it.  He also told me that DIL didn't think I liked her and that we were rude to her.  Again in shock, I asked why would she think that.  Then he preceded to tell me a couple of things like my neice was rude to her at Thanksgiving and I looked at my son and said "that neice was not even there, don't you remember she had gone to a ball game."  He then said a few other things that were just not true.  So I said "tell me one thing you saw me do or heard me say that was rude or mean to her".  He sat back for a moment and his eyes went blank and he started shaking his head and said - "I don't know."  I told him that I would like to see DIL and let her know that if I had done anything to make her feel like I did not like her, that I was sorry.  My son was relieved and called her to try to get us to meet.  This sweet, calm, quiet, woman went beserk, I didn't hear what she said but I heard her yelling at my son so I left the room.  About 10 minutes later he came out and said, Mom I've got to go, I love you, but I am going to have to fix this, and then left.

I tried calling and left messages,  I asked DIL to tell me when and where and I would drop everything to come and try to work this out.  I sent her cards telling her how sorry I was that I had not shown her how much I thought of her and how happy I was that they were back together.  No response.  Then I found out through my mom that my son had called to tell her that he was getting married.  Coincidentally on the one day he knew I could not come.  My mom told him that he knew that day would not be possible for me and his response was that DIL's family had already gotten plane tickets and it couldn't be changed.  Now if he wanted me there, don't you think he would have asked me before inviting her whole family?  Anyway my Mom told him that though it would break her heart there was no way she could stand up with him while he was breaking her baby's heart (me).  I later tried to get my Mom and family to go, and only managed to pursuade his brothers and dad.  The rest of the family was too appauld to go.  So they have been cut out of his life as well.

I made one last attempt to talk to him, by showing up at his doors with flowers in my hands.  He met me with a hug, and I could tell he was relieved.  I asked if we could talk and DIL reluctantly agreed.  I told them I didn't expect them to change the wedding date, all that mattered was that we work out the issues.  DIL denied any issue only stating it was my son.  He then again (sounded like for her approval) again told me how I disrespected his decision to quit school.  I again said, you are right it was not my place and I am sorry.  I cried and begged for a second chance and left feeling like nothing changed but also satisfied that I had done everything I could and now it was up to them.

Later my son told his dad, that he thought things went really well.  That he and DIL were both in good moods as they left to go meet her mother.  Later that day while riding on the interstate with her mother they got to berating my son as to why he didn't slam the door in my face, "didn't I understand that they did not want me in their life?"  He either was trying to defend me or himself when they pulled over on the side of the interstate and told him to get out.  DIL came around to the passenger side opened the door and told him to get out, while her mother got out of the back seat and into the driver's seat.  My son is 6'8" and they would not have gotten him out of the car if he had not chosen to get out of the car.  But he did, and they left him stranded there without a phone and not near an exit.  He managed to hitchhike back to his dad (over 100 miles) with a truck driver.  She nor her mother tried to contact him or anyone else to even see if he was dead or alive for 2 days.  The third day my son called her and begged her to take him back.  She agree under one condition - which led to him calling me and telling me to stay out of his life.

I know it is hard to believe that there is nothing else too it, but honestly it happened so fast that I didn't have time to do that much.  I do know that I was never disrepectful or mean to my DIL.  Though I dissagreed with him quitting school I did support his decisions.

I will say this though, when my ex told me that my DIL literally made my son a believer of "my way or the highway" that she must be pregnant.  Six months later my beautiful precious granddaughter was born.  I hear my son is a loving father and plans on making his mariage work no matter what.  A statement you seldom hear from a happily married newlywed.  I pray that he can, and that his family is blessed, for I fear he has a hard road ahead of him.

Bride2Be

This website is great for me!!!  I get to see the thoughts of a mother in law when she's not getting along with her DIL.  I really feel bad for those who have to be mistreated by their DIL.

From my personal experience, I have learned that I can tell when my FMIL would have negative feelings towards me.  Even if she doesn't express them to me,  I can tell and it's hurtful and difficult to deal with regardless of the reason.  It's even more hurtful when she would give me her "love" and "warm" feelings and get angry when I don't respond the way she thought I should.  It's hard to except someones love when you know how they truly feel about you.  I don't love people just because of what they do for me, I love them because I know they genuinely care for me regardless of who I'm with (her son).  My FMIL has shown me numerous times that her loyalty is to her son and my kids and only tries to love me to show my kids that she cares.  Not my type of love.  I wish I had a MIL who wanted to care for me, not mother me and over indulge herself in my life.  I wish I had a MIL who would be there for me when I asked and step back when her help isn't needed.  I wish my FMIL would have known to back off in the beginning and even now, maybe things would be different.  From day one she has forced herself on me and it's hard to care for her when she expects the same love she gets from her son but from me.  I don't wish anything bad on her simply because it would crush my FH and I'm not going to call her names because that's just silly.  I just wish she would realize her son isn't a little boy anymore.  All the stories of how my FH used to think she was the alpha and omega of his world are great but, reality is, he's grown now.  As a man he is expected to grow up and find a wife and build his own life.  His mother WILL ALWAYS be the first woman he loved but she won't be the last and the intensity of that love doesn't change, it's just not the priority anymore.

I really like this website for some reason.  I'm not here to bash any MIL but to gain more understanding as to why MILs feel so strongly that their DIL should love them or feel some strong feeling toward them.  I really want to have a civil relationship with my FMIL.

lostone

Prissy - I know you understand how I feel as I understand where you are coming from as well.  Believe it or not - we are DIL's as well and though my MIL was opinionated and never menced words it never occurred to me to be anything but respectful.  That is not to say I used all her advice, but I listened.  I never thought she meant to harm me or put me down.  I grew to love her and it meant a lot to me to hear that she bragged about me as a wife and mother.  In fact maybe I have been living in a dream world, but I never knew anyone that actually cut their family out of thier lives.

lostone

Bride2be,  You sound like a wonderful DIL and I applaud you for trying to learn and understand.  I hope to do the same.

luise.volta

Bride2B...when you get a chance, read what I have written under our "Success Story" heading. I have written about my own mother in law. I think you might enjoy it. It is really wonderful to have you on this site!  ;DLuise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie


luise.volta

Please, please remember that there are also wonderful DILs out there, too. Ones that wouldn't relate to that conversation at all. This is not airy-fairy stuff, I have one of those. Of course I have had the other variety, too. But we come with the same variations...great MILs and MILs that give us all a bad name when we don't deserve it.
Perceptions...how real they look and we forget that the person who does the perceiving, is the one that makes it up...not the one perceived! ::)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

millie

Ok guys,

I have prolem to run by you...I need advise...perspective...wisdom...whatever you've got togive...

just found out last night my grandchildren are getting baptized at their church on the 31st from a friend that works there...Do I go?

I'd have to face her family and probably see them shuffle the kids away from me...but part of me wants to go just so my son can see me there. and it IS a public place (and the church I USED to attend)

I thought I'd just go to hand him a card with some money in it for the children and leave.....but part of me is scared as well...ACK! the possibilities for rejection again! what if he doesn't take the card? what if her or her mother says something mean (her mothers an even bigger whack job)! My husband won't go with me, neither will my daughter..I could bring my best friend or my sister-in-law but I think I should do this alone for some reason...I'm afraid my son will think Oh heck!  hes going to think what he wants anyway isn't he..? or just talk about me later with the DIL and agree with her...something that bothers me is we always taught him to "NEVER, never give up"       Why should I?!   WHAT WOULD THE TEAM DO?

lostone

I saw my son, DIL, and grandchild at Church one Sunday.  They were in town visiting her mother, and she was holding and playing with gdaughter through the whole service.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of her or my son, and just knowing they did not want me to come up to them ripped my heart out.  I sat there and cried through the whole service because to get up and leave would have caused an even bigger scene.  The sermon that day was about forgiveness and how when we choose not to forgive it keeps us from experiencing the full blessings God has for us.  He also said "so if there is someone in your life that just the mention of their name sends you over the edge, you need to forgive them."  I guess the sermon fell on deaf ears.

All of that to say, IMHO, going might be harder on you than you might imagine, and taking care of yourself is more important than seeing your son.  If it were me and I felt up to that challenge I would probably stay in the background, take a picture, get a keepsake (such as a program) and take it home and put it in a scrapbook for my grandchild.  This day is about her/him and causing a scene (even if not the intent) could just serve as more reasons to validate their behavior.

luise.volta

Boy, that's a tough one. I think I would probably stay away from the service and not take the chance of adding my heartbreak to the mix.

(These things are always so difficult to imagine. How do we really know what we would do?)

I think I would set aside that time and try to create my own acknowledgment of what the whole thing represents by going someplace quiet and lovely like my room or a garden spot or a park. I think I would sing a hymn either in my head or out loud to commemorate the occasion and I probably would take my bible and kiss it lovingly, sending that kiss to the child's cheek. I might also take a pad of paper and write about how much my caring means to me and offer it up with my prayers.

The only experience I have had that might relate to yours is when my son's father was dying. He was on life support and my children and grandchildren had gathered around him. His second wife told my kids that I was welcome if I wanted to come. (Which I think was amazing.) I thought about that, and I realized that I was really an outsider and that they all had enough to deal with when they ended life support without having to cope with the dynamics of my grief (and probably guilt.)

So, I went to my little retreat and did my best to "spend some time with him." I sang and prayed and wrote. Later, when I attended the funeral, it felt complete to me.

The circumstances are nothing alike but having a "surrogate-service" might be worth considering.

Blessings, Luise

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama