Death of a Mother in Law

[lostone]

Just2be, I had 3 son's that I love very much.  I always hoped that they would marry women that loved and respected them and that they would do the same.  I never once thought that I would have to worry about my son having to chose between his wife and me.  If I had known what I did that made her feel so threatened by our relationship I would have made every effort to respect her feelings - just as I have respected their decision for me to stay out of their life even though it has broken my heart.  I always looked forward to seeing my son become the man he would become as a husband and father.  I hoped to be able to brag about my grandchildren and burst with pride over their ability to be responsible and loving parents.  I knew that it would be hard for them to spend equal time with me, my ex, and her mom, and tried to be accommodating by inviting her mom along when they visited my home (but was never invited to her mom's home).  I looked forward to building a relationship of respect and love with them as a couple cause that is what I believe most loving parents want as well.  I use to always say I didn't miss haveing a daughter because one day I would have three DIL in my life.  But unfortunately that was not to be.  Maybe I was just to old fashioned, maybe I don't understand young women today.  You being here is so helpful to me to learn all I can before my next son takes a bride.  Which will probably be within the next year.  She has actually invited us to her parents home for dinner and we are going camping with her family in a few weeks.  She is probably everything I ever dreamed of in a potential DIL but after what has happened with my first DIL, I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around them for fear of saying or doing something wrong.  I for one do not want to be in my son's business but I sure as heck want to be allowed to be a part of their life.

You can help those like me that just want to learn how to be the best MIL we can be.  If I have learned anything from this ordeal it has been that the key to relationships is learning to accept people as who they are and not who we wish they were.  To understand that everything is not always as it seems because all of us have times when we do and say things we regret for reasons that have nothing to do with the person we take it out on.  Maybe this has made me a better person.  It sure was a high price to pay to learn this but maybe in doing so, I can help others learn it without having to pay such a high price.

Thank you Just2be for not taking it personal when MIL's like me sound angry or accusing - because most of that stems from a intensely horrible hurt.  Losing your child at any age in any way is like a death, and once a mother always a mother - we will grieve for our lost son's and daughters the rest of our lives.

[just2baccepted]

Thank you Prissy.  Lostone I was wondering if you have thought about sitting down with this son and having a true heart to heart and literally showing him your grief. And telling him the same hearfelt things you have here on this site.  Or maybe even writing a letter so you can get all your thoughts out and you won't miss anything from being nervous in person.  It worth a shot right?  You can't push his away any more right?  I've said this before but I think female competition can be ruthless!  I think some of these DIL are just so insecure and so worried that you are going to fall into that MIL from hell category.  The one that calls all the time and puts her noise in their business constantly, and criticises the DIL.  I think some DIL are just bracing themselves for that treatment and then couple that with major insecurity on her part.  After being on this blog I have come to realize the MIL have to deal with the same thing with their DIL that I have to deal with my MIL.  I happily entered my husbands family thinking I"m gaining family and people to have cook-outs with etc...boy I was wrong.  I realize now I was seen as the "invader" and they didn't like anybody coming in their little exclusive circle.  My husband even admits it.  Most of the marriage I always wondered why my hubby never mentioned my name when he'd talk to them on the phone, it was like I didn't exist.  Then after so many years and my hubby admitting it to me.  His parents probably wanted to pretend like I didn't exist.   The sure want to see him though but my husband has nicely told them that we are a package deal.

[lostone]

Just2be, I am sorry that your in-laws did not welcome you into their world or give you the respect that you deserve.  I wish you were my DIL 

I did try a lot in the beginning, because at the time I didn't realize what was happening, as time progressed it became clear that my son suffered consequences when I tried.  In his own words to his dad "he didn't know what to do, she goes beserk everytime he even mentioned my name."

I have settled for contacting him a couple times a year.  Actually the last time was right before I had a majory surgery and I feared I would die and he would have to live with the fact he never told me he was sorry.  So I did it for him.  I called him and managed to get out only a couple of things before he hung up on me.  I told him that I was sorry for whatever I had done, that I thought about him everyday, and that I still loved him dearly.  After that call I felt a huge weight lifted because I knew if something happened that the last words I said to him were loving.

Sorry everyone for being so sappy right now, but for some reason I have just been really missing him more than usual.  Never dreamed that loving someone could cause so much pain.

Just2be - you inlaws were wrong but I commend you for not encouraging your husband to cut them out of his life.  You were definately the bigger person.

[Prissy]

Lostone,
I can't tell you how this breaks my heart.  I want to write more when I can to all of you. 

I made an appt. with the Counselor today who had told me my sons didn't love me. Yes, that one.  He's the only one who could see me.

I asked him if I was a narcissist....he said I was the opposite of a narcissist. I thought too little of myself.

He said I was a sensitive soul....I already knew that.  I hate paying money to them!  I just had to know, though, if I was one.

Most of the things you mentioned AnnieB, were done to me when I was a child.  I never did anything bad to my children, ever.  I am a survivor (that's what the counselor told me) 

We'd never need to pay these non-vested interested people if we just felt like we could talk to one another.  I'm glad we can here.   

[just2baccepted]

Lostone - thank you for the nice words.  You seem like such a nice lady and I too wish you were my MIL.  Reading the last part of your post made my eyes tear.  I can almost feel your heartbreak and I don't even have children.  I wish I could understand that love.  To be honest I have contimplated trying to push my in-laws out of our lives as much as possible but now I think, "what if my MIL was mistreated as a child" or "what if she is in as much pain as many of the posters on here."  I plan to post my story on here soon.  I just have to get all my thoughts together.  And then the rest of you MIL can tell me how I should handle the woman.  I know Prissy say she's been to counseling and I too have tried that but quit because my husband wasn't ready to face that yet.  The counselor basically tried to help me understand my MIL and FIL neediness and help me develop boundaries.

[AnnieB]

Most of the things you mentioned AnnieB, were done to me when I was a child.  I never did anything bad to my children, ever.  I am a survivor (that's what the counselor told me) 

Wow, I'm stunned.  I removed my post because I feel ashamed I complained about the abuses my mother did ... that you can not feel the need to distance yourself from your mother is awesome.  I have forgiven, but I don't forget, and don't let her close enough to continue with the verbal abuse (all she can manage now).  And I haven't thrown her away, though, I have been her main caregiver for 8 years and I know she had a bad childhood.

I didn't mean to imply you did anything bad to your kids -- you asked me if you were like my mother, I was just trying to describe the abuses I had which I was pretty sure you hadn't done to yours.   I didn't abuse mine either. 

Anyway, I am awed.

[Prissy]

AnnieB, my Mother died when I was a little girl. She was the most precious thing to me!  The things that were done to me were done by relatives (mainly Father).

I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't have distanced yourself from her. I just said that I couldn't have imagined anything my Mother ever could have done to me that would make me leave her.  She had to leave me. 

I know you didn't mean I had done anything to my children.  I just wanted that to be clear. 

[SunnyDays09]

I'm sorry if it bothers some that I think my MIL and FIL feel like I stole their son away.  And actually everyone doesn't know my whole story yet.  Maybe I need to take to time to tell my story.  But I NEVER went into my marriage thinking I would be competing with his family.  They made me feel unwelcome and tried to put blame on me for stupid stuff.  THey were just looking for reason to hate me.  I realize that now.  MY MIL and FIL both decided probably before then even met me that I was going to be the one to split family up.  I know that I'm not only one who has gone through this.  So yes I'm sure that MIL thinks I stole her baby from her.

First off, let me say if the parents feel you stole their son, that's just wrong.  Is this what they had to go thru with fil's parents when they were newly married?  Didn't they find it unacceptable?  You would think they would make sure not to recycle the old ways. 
   But what I wanted to say is...I heard this on a Dr. Phil a long long time ago, "what could the son/husband be telling his parents?"  does he go over there after fights and unloads on them?  does he tell them all the awful things that she said in a heated moment while he was just an innocent?  Do you think your husband could be kind of telling them bad things?  Or that they may take as bad?  Without you knowing?  I know all parents are different when you are the new kid on the block.  My ex inlaws were pretty bad too.  The inlaws I have now are great.  (Since I became pregnant with our son at 17, my exmil claimed I was a slut, whore, etc.  Not worthy of her lazy alcoholic son.  And she made no secret of it.  She was pretty rude to me from the first day I met her.)
  My son would come over with complaints about his girlfriend.  And her family.  I wanted no part of it!  I was understanding to a point but I would end up telling him you have two choices:  1.  take it and stay with her, or 2. don't take it and break up.  I never judged her at all.  In one ear out the other. 
   She never treated our family poorly while they were dating.  It was once the engagement ring was on her finger *placed on my birthday, she claims.  (Now, the day has a special meaning only to them, it seems to me.  It's no longer my birthday, it's the anniversary of their engagement.  And for awhile that was fine, too.  Until she started using up my dates to replace with her own personal things, which is just craziness on my part.  But I sure wonder why all of my birthdays:  dh, dd, mine and anniversaries, etc, just so happened to be days of importance to them??  Coinkydink?) 

[SunnyDays09]

I wonder what our sons would think if they saw the way their wives bashed us, their mother's, on one of these sites?

Personally I don't think my son would care.  He let his feelings for me be known when he replied to my emails asking what was going on?  They were addressed to him.  She probably changed them to sound mean or something.  I don't know.
   They are adults.  He is on his own.  He doesn't have to bother me ever again.

[luise.volta]

Coinkydink? Oh, I love that word! How am I ever going to remember to use it?!

[just2baccepted]

    But what I wanted to say is...I heard this on a Dr. Phil a long long time ago, "what could the son/husband be telling his parents?"  does he go over there after fights and unloads on them?  does he tell them all the awful things that she said in a heated moment while he was just an innocent?  Do you think your husband could be kind of telling them bad things?  Or that they may take as bad?  Without you knowing?       She never treated our family poorly while they were dating.   

I'm not sure if I did the quote thing right or not, but the above is quote from Happydays09, just wanted to respond to her question.  The one thing that I noticed about my husbands conversations with his family over our entire marriage was that they were so vanilla.  Years ago I used to tease him about how all they talk about is mowing, the weather etc.. I didn't understand why their conversations were so vanilla because my family and I would talk about much deeper stuff.  Eventually he told me it was because he never wanted to give them any ammunition against me and he knew it would hurt them if they found out we did anything with family, so my family is never ever mentioned, its like they don't even exist.  We usually go out to my family for Thanksgiving and hubby's family for Christmas Eve.  One year we didn't go to my family's because my aunt was starting to get ill.  When my hubby told his dad on the phone that we weren't going out to my aunts for Thanksgiving and then we also didn't go out to the in-laws.  My hubby said to my FIL "Oh don't worry dad I promise we didn't go anywhere else, we just stayed home"  I thought he sounded very wimpy even the way he said it.  My FIL is very dominant and MIL and FIL are very critical judgementel against everyone.  If I had had an ounce of black in me I would have never been brought to their house.  But lucky for me I'm pure white.  I hope I'm painting an understandable picture of them.  My husband said not only does he not talk about me but they never even ask about me.  SIL is the same way, she will share only share minor information about her life.  One time my husband said to her in private is that he started feeling nervous around his parents when he married me.  And my SIL said she's felt nervous around them her whole life because she said "you just feel like you're being judged all the time."  Bottom line I think my husband felt nervous around them after we married because he knew that no matter what he did or what I did, they weren't going to like me because I invaded their exclusive little circle.  I'm sure you can tell I've been to counseling over this!

[SunnyDays09]

Coinkydink? Oh, I love that word! How am I ever going to remember to use it?!

  not sure!  ♥♥

[SunnyDays09]

just2be:  I sooo understand the stance you two take when dealing with these two impossibly immature adults.  You don't want to stir up the bees for sure!  What a mess.  Always trying to make sure you do the right thing for them.  I know this, for I have too as well with mine.  I found it really didn't matter to them-whether I jumped as high as they said, or bought the thing they told me to.

I was miserable all the time.

Husband and I had terrible rows before and after the family on his side get togethers.  I didn't understand them and they could not care less about me. 
    I decided I was going to take hold of my desires and wants/wishes and see if they meshed with their unrealistic demands on our time.  Not to mention manipulation!  (I saw a wonderful therapist myself during these times). 
   Sadly, dh went to many of his functions alone.  Oh well.  There were so many.  Long, boring, drawn out fiascoes.  I couldn't take it.  I went less and less.  It worked for me. 
   It is STILL working for me.  I do feel a bit more estranged.  I am not in all the gossip and the who is doing what of that family - and I don't care.  I have my own.  If they were to all fly off for the North Pole where phones/emails couldn't reach, my life would not be affected at all.  Don't care!! 
   When I am around them, I am as gracious as possible.  For I know it's just a matter of time before I am in the sanctity of my own car - driving home!!  Really.  It gets that bad sometimes. 
   But, there is always that "HAVE TO GO" thing:  wedding, funeral, etc.  Have to go. darn!
  Paste a smile, grab a hostess gift and make the best of it.  If they have anything to say later, I am NOT there to listen. 
Wow.  Sorry about that.  I just really can connect with you here.  Been there done that and I have TWO tee shirts!  LOL!! 
   Do your best, and forget about them!  Just concentrate on you, your husband, and your life together.  For that is what is important and what matters most!  ♥

[sadDIL]

Prissy, did you ever quote the author of this? It happens to be my FIL writing about me. It's funny though that I would admit to it. I have tried very unsuccessfully to get along with my ILs. We no longer speak to any of them. My DH hasn't spoke to his only sister in almost 5 years and we haven't spoken to his parents in over 3 years. I have emailed, sent B-day and anniversary wishes, let the grandchildren call them and they don't seem to care. Sometimes it's not only MILs who have had their heart broken, but their son's (and DILs) heart may be broken as well.

I keep hoping that it's not too late to mend things, but with their attitudes, it probably is.

[just2baccepted]

sadDIL I hate to sound like a goof, but are you saying that your FIL is the real author of the How a DIL goes about........?

And may I be nosy and ask why your IL's are avoiding you guys.  It usually is other way around I assumed.  If you don't want to share I totally understand.