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What I did today

Started by Barbie, March 07, 2010, 07:19:42 PM

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Pen

Boy, it sure takes a lot of energy to be that kind of DIL :)  All the manuevering around to control so many situations, it wears me out just reading about it!

You'd think they'd want the kids to be safe. The car seats stay with the kids, that's what I always thought.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jkm426

When I found out my DD was expecting I bought my own pack-n-play, high chair, swing, bouncer and carseat.  I wanted her never to have to transport a single thing except her LO.  I have always kept diapers, formula, bottles, food(when she was smaller) and extra clothes at my house.  I didn't "ask" I just did it.  My DD has always been grateful she didn't have to pack when she comes to visit or I have her DD(I have been her dcp for the last six months, she is 28 months).
I also kept toys and games for all three grandkids(the LO, 12 yr old GD and 9 yr old GD).  I didn't buy as much with the older two because I did not keep them as much(for several reasons)
I would have been thrilled for my parents or my kids other grandparents to have spent 10% of what I have.
I have also bought all of the kids Easter ourfits from their first Easter.  Make my own Easter baskets from the bunny and Santa always leaves a stocking at Nonna's(me) house.  I am so lucky with my DIL and DD.  FDIL, well we will see.  As picky and difficult as she has been about the wedding and such I am betting this one will be the exception in our family.

Pen

JKM, you sound like a loving grandma, and I'm glad your efforts are appreciated. Maybe FDIL will follow along since she's seeing how wonderful it can be. My MIL sent handmade Easter dresses, sweaters, quilts and stuffed animals, and my kids (all grown) still cherish them. I appreciated it so much! Her presents added so much to my kids feeling loved and special. I'm sure she would have set up a nursery at her house if we'd been frequent visitors, but too bad for all we lived days away.

But I know not all DILs see it the same way. What we see as loving they see as threatening or overbearing. We really should suss it out first!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

Got the perfect gifts next holiday or birthday for them Anna!

Hearing aids! ;D

cremebrulee

March 15, 2010, 04:40:22 AM #19 Last Edit: March 15, 2010, 04:48:43 AM by cremebrulee
Anna, have you ever discussed this with son and DIL?  Just nicely ask them why they did that with the car seats....I wonder, if, DIL is really uncomfortable with the way one of you drives...?  Did you ever think about that?  Was she as a child, or teenager, or adult, ever in an accident? 

Just wondering?

I was in several accidents, since I was a child...all toll, I think 5, and in most of them I was a passenger in the car...however, the last two, I was driving, and the very last one, the car burt up....so...now, I'm very nervous driving, and I won't drive with other people, if I can't drive I don't go...and I know it sounds crazy, however, that is how it is with me, and due to these accidents, I can tell you, I never allowed my son, when a baby, to drive with anyone except my husband and myself...I was afraid....and to this day, still am....it's a reason you may want to look into...perhaps that is why she does that????

Honestly, I would ask them both about this, when your all together...it might be something very honest and something she fears...?  Maybe she fears the way you rdrive or your hubby drives...she may not want to tell you that....however, I've driven with some people who rides the tail of other cars...and it scares me to death...or is heavy on the gas peddle....it may not be anything your doing wrong, however, it may frighten her b/c you don't drive like she does...

I would seriously ask them...after discussing things with my DIL, I really understand how we all perceive things differently...and lacking communication, leaves the mind open to wonder and become very offended, when in fact, if you'd ask, you may really understand that even though you may disagree, you can understand her reason for it.

Communication is a huge problem in our world today...and then we start to assume all kinds of things that are not even true...

you, Anna, have a right to ask...just please don't get upset when they give you an answer...try to be open to they're way of thinking without taking offense.

Just some thoughts you might want to explore?

Hugs
Creme






cremebrulee

Quote from: Anna on March 15, 2010, 04:50:56 AM
My hubby has never been involved in an accident, ok, there was that one time when he slid into a snowbank.  He has been driving for over 30 years & has a safe driving record.  He doesn't drink or take any medication. I don't drive, so when we have our gc he does all the driving.  Yes we have talked to son about. There is no reason, other than dils need for control.  She does not trust, wants to know where we are every second if her children are with us.  We can't even go to the corner store, which is about 30 seconds away by car, without her freaking out if we didn't ask permision first.  That means calling her at work to ask if we can.  I have asked son if he trusts us when we have his children with us & he said yes, 100%.  It doesn't matter to him where we take our gc, or what we do.  He knows that we would protect them with our lives if need be.  He, after all, was raised by us, so he knows.  You would think that after 3 1/2 years of taking care of my gc, that dil would trust us 100% too.

Your son may know Anna, and, you may be the safest drivers in the world, however, I'm trying to explain to you, that until you ask your DIL about this, not son, but DIL, your going to surmise it is her being controlling, however, it may be her worrying...while your son knows you, and knows how safe you are, your DIL does not...I'm not siding with her, but actually trying to help you to see what I couldn't see...

I have a girlfriend, who had her son in the car...in a car seat in the back seat...however, when she turned a corner, her son had gotten out of the car seat and opened the car door, fell out of the car and she ran over him and killed him with her back wheel...

I have a phobia about sharks, however, I love the water....

maybe something bad happened to DIL that you don't know about, and it's not you she's paranoid about, it's the worry of something happening, due to an experience she had....in nother words, she would be that way with everyone perhaps? 

It sure wouldn't hurt to talk to her, and understand....

I don't care how safe a driver anyone is, Anna, I can't drive with people due to my experiences...and what you might regard as a safe driver, scares her?  I dunno, but it sounds to me like there is a phobia there on her part?


cocobars

Oh wow, Creme!  Not to but in and I agree, but I have a phobia about sharks.  Knew a girl who was attacked in the water and to this day part of her arm is missing.  Even though I lived "ON" the beach, I wouldn't let the kids go in the water past ankle deep.  I didn't go in the water.  This girl I knew was a teenager (surfer) when it happened.  I'm not sure, but my theory is that girls and women have a "blood" smell the sharks can pick up on, even before they have that time of the month.  I believe it starts smelling to the sharks before that, sometimes when the girls don't even realize it getting ready to come on.  None of my girls got to go in the water.  I guess I was a bit overprotective, but I had them talk to the girl who was attacked.

cremebrulee

Quote from: cocobars on March 15, 2010, 05:29:08 AM
Oh wow, Creme!  Not to but in and I agree, but I have a phobia about sharks.  Knew a girl who was attacked in the water and to this day part of her arm is missing.  Even though I lived "ON" the beach, I wouldn't let the kids go in the water past ankle deep.  I didn't go in the water.  This girl I knew was a teenager (surfer) when it happened.  I'm not sure, but my theory is that girls and women have a "blood" smell the sharks can pick up on, even before they have that time of the month.  I believe it starts smelling to the sharks before that, sometimes when the girls don't even realize it getting ready to come on.  None of my girls got to go in the water.  I guess I was a bit overprotective, but I had them talk to the girl who was attacked.

yup, I feel the same way as you do...about sharks, and driving in cars...I know it's a phobia, but that last accident I was in was a dossie...my entire van burdt up...and after that, I wouldn't let anyone take my child in the car....not because I didn't trust them, however, I don't trust other drivers....I've seen way to many accidents, and I know I was being way over protective, but I was afraid...and still am today...I don't go a lot of places, I'd like to go, b/c I fear driving..and that is awful...cuz I'm missing so much...

same with sharks....i fished most of my life, both fresh water and the sea....I've talked to many surf fisherman...those sharks are right there in the surf...I've encountered them twice in my life time...while in the water, and as much as I love the water...I know a shark can swim in 2 feet of water, therefore, I'm not going in....

RedRose

March 16, 2010, 04:59:08 AM #23 Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 05:28:34 AM by RedRose
Quote from: Anna on March 15, 2010, 04:50:56 AM
My hubby has never been involved in an accident, ok, there was that one time when he slid into a snowbank.  He has been driving for over 30 years & has a safe driving record.  He doesn't drink or take any medication. I don't drive, so when we have our gc he does all the driving.  Yes we have talked to son about. There is no reason, other than dils need for control.  She does not trust, wants to know where we are every second if her children are with us.  We can't even go to the corner store, which is about 30 seconds away by car, without her freaking out if we didn't ask permision first.  That means calling her at work to ask if we can.  I have asked son if he trusts us when we have his children with us & he said yes, 100%.  It doesn't matter to him where we take our gc, or what we do.  He knows that we would protect them with our lives if need be.  He, after all, was raised by us, so he knows.  You would think that after 3 1/2 years of taking care of my gc, that dil would trust us 100% too.

I agree with you Anna. After all this time, all the care you have given your grandchildren, almost everyday...for over 3 years....is time enough. Your dil has no reason not to trust you or your husband.

cremebrulee

March 16, 2010, 05:22:45 AM #24 Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 05:26:07 AM by cremebrulee
Anna, I don't think your understanding what I was trying to explain....
ok, I'm not defending your DIL, what I'm trying to get you to see is this...

Lets forget your DIL is very immature and controlling for a moment...

I was not suggesting your husband is a bad driver, or takes meds, or drinks....

What I was trying to explain to you, and I understand, where your DIL is involved, this does not hold true, I didn't realize she was so bad....however...

Say, I'm driving from site to site for work purposes....with my boss....he's a great guy, however, hthe way he drives makes me sick to my stomach, plus he has a heavy foot.  I probably drive way to slow, however, I don't feel safe driving with him...he steps on the accelerator, then lets off, then steps on the accelerator, then lets off...it's not a steady smooth drive...he is not drinking, he does not take drugs, nor has he ever had an accident...it's the way I perceive his driving...while other co-workers don't mind the way he drives....

and if your DIL were simply being a bit immature, I would further try to help you understand what I'm trying to say here....but she's not...so it wouldn't be applicable...

Anna, what I was trying to say is, there are just people I would rather not drive with or feel safe with...which is my personal perception, doesn't mean my boss did anything wrong...it's just that I don't feel safe with the way he drives....

and I was merely suggesting that perhaps that was your DIL's problem...I do know better now...and hope you understand, I wasn't trying to suggest your husband is a bad driver..but your used to his driving, others may not be...people from work drive with me, most think I'm a good driver, however, my cousin hates to drive with me, she says she is not comfortable driving with me, b/c I fear driving 70 MPH on interstates....and that is her perception of my driving...so, when we go away together, I let her drive...although, I'm very uncomfortable to, b/c I've been in so many accidents over my life....and I've driven with some excellent drivers, however, I don't have control over the car, so when I'm not driving I am uncomfortable, big time.

Do you understand what I was trying to say?



cremebrulee

March 16, 2010, 09:49:29 AM #25 Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 09:56:12 AM by cremebrulee
Thanks so much Anna for understanding....
I was wondering....while reading your post...have you ever sat DIL down and had a heart to heqart with her...?  Asking her why?  I know that her inability to allow you to take her comes off like she doesn't trust you...however....perhaps if you sat her down and listened to her, you'd be shocked....

I tell you true, and I know we're not the same, neither are our DIL's...however, let me tell you, the honesty that came out in our conversation was an eye opener....what happened is, we got off on the wrong foot, then everything that happened after that escalated...and I must tell you, when she didn't want me to potty train my GD, yes, it hurt my feelings...and I fought it, b/c I was bound and determined I was right, however, I was not right Anna....she is the mother...and regardless of how ridiculous her rules may seem, there is a reason and it probably isn't you...but your taking it personal like I did....and please understand, I'm trying to help and mean this in all care and love...I just wish everyone could get along...and I think a lot of times, not all, but a lot of times, so many of these issues could be avoided....

From now on I'm allowing my DIL to take the lead...that is her home, her daughter and her hubby, and I respect that...and her rules, even if they are not my rules...I remember being young once, and being over protective of my son when he was young, say a toddler....there are so many sickos out there, and all it takes is one second for a happy moment to turn sour.  Granted, I understand your feelings...I do...but I'm just wondering what would happen if just you and she shared stories...and you adopted the idea, that yanno, she may not be right all the time, but neither am I.  when I started to accept that, is when things started to change...


cocobars

Quote from: cremebrulee on March 16, 2010, 09:49:29 AM
Thanks so much Anna for understanding....
I was wondering....while reading your post...have you ever sat DIL down and had a heart to heqart with her...?  Asking her why?  I know that her inability to allow you to take her comes off like she doesn't trust you...however....perhaps if you sat her down and listened to her, you'd be shocked....

I tell you true, and I know we're not the same, neither are our DIL's...however, let me tell you, the honesty that came out in our conversation was an eye opener....what happened is, we got off on the wrong foot, then everything that happened after that escalated...and I must tell you, when she didn't want me to potty train my GD, yes, it hurt my feelings...and I fought it, b/c I was bound and determined I was right, however, I was not right Anna....she is the mother...and regardless of how ridiculous her rules may seem, there is a reason and it probably isn't you...but your taking it personal like I did....and please understand, I'm trying to help and mean this in all care and love...I just wish everyone could get along...and I think a lot of times, not all, but a lot of times, so many of these issues could be avoided....

From now on I'm allowing my DIL to take the lead...that is her home, her daughter and her hubby, and I respect that...and her rules, even if they are not my rules...I remember being young once, and being over protective of my son when he was young, say a toddler....there are so many sickos out there, and all it takes is one second for a happy moment to turn sour.  Granted, I understand your feelings...I do...but I'm just wondering what would happen if just you and she shared stories...and you adopted the idea, that yanno, she may not be right all the time, but neither am I.  when I started to accept that, is when things started to change...
Has anyone told you lately that being happy is very becoming on you!  I hope you're smiling!