Question for other MILs

[amflautist]

I am willing to give it the old college try with DIL, even though she has been totally cold, said hateful things, will not allow us at her house, and has never in 5 years thanked me for 1 thing.  I got a chance for 36 hours a week ago.  I thought I did a good job.  DIL's attitude when she left told me otherwise.  I see DS slipping away, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

[Shelby]

Oh, Am -- my heart aches for you.  I KNOW you did a good job.  I am so sorry it didn't work out as you (and everyone on WWU) had hoped.  I understand about DS slipping away - we feel that too.  But I think we can all hope that both your DS and mine find their way back to us.  In their own good time.  Wish I could give you a big hug.

[Smilesback@u]

Am, I am sorry too for your pain.  YOu might not believe or want to hear that there may be something that can get worked out.  We don't know these things.  I liked how someone has reported on WWU that by letting go, they found that DS started taking steps to get closer.  I never know either how I am doing from their eyes -- DS/DIL.  Sad, but true.  So I find myself asking if after our visit if we all had a good time...knowing it depends on DILs take on it.  I am sure YOU did have a wonderful time and enjoyed it.  It makes no sense why it has to be this way.  It is not in your control.  Hopefully, you will know in your heart and find some comfort.  Don't put yourself out - if it happens it happens, if not, you have tried and hold your head up high and comfort your heart.  sending you love and acceptance

[Scoop]

Shelby - I'm going to answer your question even though I'm a DIL, because I believe we're all dealing with the same sort of people.

I'm still on the fence with my MIL.  I believe that I'm responsible for 50% of our relationship, and I'm working on making my 50% better.  If she were to put in a bit of effort, I'm sure we would have a better relationship.  Sadly, that hasn't happened yet.  The reasoning I'm using is that I'm putting myself out there, not because she is a nice person, but because *I* am.  It's in my nature to be 'nice'.  I still think of calling MIL to tell her DD's achievements and I still suggest nice gifts for her.  However, I don't act on those thoughts anymore.  I've stepped back and I'm letting DH lead in the relationship with his P's.

Like Luise said, I think my MIL would have to become a completely different person in order for us to have a GOOD relationship.  Since that's not going to happen, I'm not holding my breath.  BUT I am still working on my 50%!

[Pooh]

My answer is I would treat her like I would anyone that had treated me badly and then wanted a second chance.  I would give it to her.  It would take time to rebuild the trust, to see if she truly was trying and to see if it was genuine.  I know I have changed alot over the years.  I'm not as hotheaded, I don't sweat the small stuff as bad as I used to, I have made many mistakes (hopefully learned from them) and I have matured in many ways of my thinking.  I have learned that the important things in life are the ones that are free.  Love, kindness, respect, dignity, self-love and laughter.  I would do this for a coworker that had treated me badly, but was trying to mend that relationship.  It would take time, but I would give them the chance.  Once.

I just ran into this at Thanksgiving.  I was met, after almost two years of not seeing them, by a DIL that was genuinely trying to engage in conversations, was friendly and seemed like she was trying.  It didn't seem fake, IMO, so I went with the flow and we had a good time.  Time will tell but if I'm not willing to give her another chance, then I haven't grown at all and all my posts and comments here have been in vain.  The entire time I have been here, I have written about how I felt like I was always the one trying and giving in, and how it takes two people trying to make a relationship.  I have learned to accept that my relationship with DIL and DS is not what I would have liked.  I have learned to accept that and move on.  Part of my moving on is to let the past, be the past and accept the things that I can not change.  I can not change them, but I can allow her to. 

I am under the thinking that a leopard can change their spots.  It may not happen often, but I have seen it.  So I will give her a chance and accept that people can change if they want to.

[lancaster lady]

I was willing Pooh, and thought that by taking my family in , it would show how willing I was. After being here a few months my DIL made up stories we were talking about her and didn't want her here. So where do I go from here I ask myself ?

[Shelby]

Pooh - as always, a thoughtful post full of wisdom.  I am currently somewhere between you and Keys - I flip between
1.  knowing that leopards don't change their spots, and that I had better not have any expectations or I'll only continue to be hurt, and
2.  feeling as you do that people do deserve second chances. 

What is hard for me is that I feel that DH and I have already given her 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances - only to have her disregard what we consider to be basic common courtesy.  We have NEVER criticized her, either to DS or to her face.  Have done many favors when requested - and have never told them how to live their lives.  We truly don't know WHY she would be so chilly (and yes, WW, I know it doesn't matter WHY - it just IS. )  The only thing we have done that is wrong was that gift drop-off on the Christmas they totally ignored us.  In hindsight, yes that was passive-aggressive (I was MAD.  I was FURIOUS.)  But the snubs preceded that for several years.  And have continued. 

I should strive to be a better person (like you, Pooh  ) - but I frankly am not too motivated.  Of course, my DIL has not yet exhibited true efforts at having a relationship.  So this is all theoretical at this point.   

I could happily consider her a leopard with immutable spots - the sadness there is my eventual loss of my son.  So if she ever tries, I will have to channel you, Pooh - as I'd do anything to stay on good terms with DS.   Thank you, pooh, and much love.

[Shelby]

Dear, dear Lancaster -  I don't know where you go from here.  Wish I had the answers for you.  Only support and best wishes.  And love

[Pooh]

LL and Shelby, you have both given your second or more chances.  That's different.  I consider my first two years of turmoil with her as one long chance...lol.  I will be guarded and in no way have any expectations, like I did the first time.  If she reverts back, then that will be the end of it.  I will not give a third chance and then she becomes like a weird 3rd cousin that I will avoid at family get togethers, but be civil to!

[Smilesback@u]

Giving chances time and time again, is one thing, and for me, realizing someone has mental problems, well that is another.  I have a DIL with acknowledged mental/emotional problems who is getting help now.  Maybe you have a family member with unidentified mental problems too?  How would that change your outlook knowing there was a mental health diagnosis to deal with for them?  I am totally more compassionate, although I still have my feelings that do get hurt over, the little stuff.  I realize there just is alot of unreasonableness and chaos in their lives...and it is up to me to determine how much I choose to participate in all of that.  How much does it take to stay connected?  I am trying and so far they are not cutting me off.  It is certainly not a 50-50 situation here.  I expect a lot more from myself and DH, anyways cuz we have our health, so maybe we give 70% and they do 30%.  They might feel they give a lot more, but from my point of view, I feel I am doing more than my share.  Anways, I have to try to remember that our sick person gets a pass because of the illness.  When I cannot let that go, and I have needs of my own to meet, it is time to take my leave of them, and for me to go get busy elsewhere.  I cannot make this all better for them, I am not the answer, I am not the cause, but I certainly can contribute to all of it.  Anyone familiar with that serenity group knows what I am talking about here.  There is only so much I can do.  I really care, and their feelings do matter to me, and that will not ever change.   It just cannot be mutual in my case, I am going to have to try and try again and again.  Sometimes my efforts will be accepted, and sometimes not.  Hopefully they get that I don't have to be perfect.  That is part of the emotional/psychological problems we all deal with to some degree, just some people have more of that to deal with.  I don't think it is contagious as long as I remind myself of the principles above personalities.   Sorry, but I really am working on it from a more spiritual point of view because I don't have anything else to offer.  It is what it is ...     

[Doe]

Shelby, maybe part your dilemma is that this is a big What If question and you are missing valuable information that would help you decide what to do.    You're missing the elements that would surround her change of attitude.

I run through these What If scenarios, too, though mine are a little more melodramatic.   For me, they can get to be a little crazy making.

My advice is just to ride with the flow for the present and just assume it's going to be this way till you see something else coming from her.

[Shelby]

Smiles - you're a saint.  hats off to you.

Doe - thanks for your thoughts - I agree - i am missing the factual elements - and until they occur, this is all just theoretical.  I'm sure I give the relationship much more room in my head than either DS or DIL do.   So I'll just "go with the flow" until something happens.  Thanks.  Good advice.

[catchingup]

Hi Shelby,
The reason I am a member of this forum is because I had a problem with FDIL and her family.
This has all been buried and she and her family have made every effort to restore the peace.
They live in the UK.I am in South Africa
All my sons were here for my one sons wedding in October.
This DIL made an effort to sit and talk to me when I was alone in the kitchen but I felt a weariness.
I find it difficult to relax in her presence.
To a certain extent I have the same feeling about her and her family.I couldn't care less.I dont really want a close relationship with them. Probably I still see a red flag.
I have nothing against the relationship of my son and FDIL as I think thet are suited.
I think it is just that I want to be left in peace to carry on with my own life and dont want to be dragged in family arguments.
My name says it all I have too much  "Catchingup" to do---No time to waste on pettiness.

[lancaster lady]

What I recently found very hurtful was , after they left I was told to throw anything left behind away .
I looked through the bin bags to make sure nothing of value was there and found the keepsake limited edition
Royal Doulton china baby's first Christmas tree bauble I had ordered for my GD's first Christmas , also a silver
first baby bangle engraved to my GD from me !
This just proves there is no love lost between us on her behalf and her friendly ''charming'' behaviour
is just a sham !
Will I mention these things ? I think not , I will keep them for my GD when she is older , she might like to keep them
as a keepsake from her GM .
Sorry I looked through them now , but my DH thought a good idea to check , perhaps they were there by mistake ?
It was a bag for the trash , full of trash !!

[Shelby]

Dear Lancaster - That's a horrible slap you were given.  While I am sorry you were hurt by their mean behavior, I'm glad the keepsake Royal Doulton and silver baby items did not actually go into the trash. I think you were wise to save them for when your GD is old enough to appreciate them.  You don't deserve this - wish I could make it stop hurting for you.