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So sick of these on/off relationships with our sons

Started by Rosehillgirl, December 02, 2011, 10:46:26 AM

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luise.volta

Welcome - One thing we offer here is the end of aloneness. You aren't alone any more. We care...we have been there and we are here for you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justanoldgrandma

I can read your pain and all the advice given is right on.  We, too, did our best and yet they seem at times to forget it.  I though wasn't too close to my parents when I was a teen and later as they weren't the emotionally close type although they cared for us; (dh and I were much more demonstrative of our love and still are when allowed!)

But I was respectful of my parents and although my sibling and I don't agree on politics (I just stay mute on that!) I am determined to keep on good terms w him & his family as he is all I have of my FOO.  I wish I had been more attentive to my parents but they were rather distant and my own husband had to teach me to be closer to them.

But.... I don't think I caused my parents this kind of anguish, know I didn't.  I know you did your best.  I do think there is a sense of entitlement in our society with many young people expecting everything and giving nothing back (I loved reading the good advice from the sensible young lady who just posted (Shades!)  So many young people do still want harmony.)  I love reading thoughtful advice from thoughtful young people like Shades; thanks; makes the world seem better!

I get upset and then remind myself to pray to God for letting Him handle things; I have to do that a lot!  (Haven't done that lately, thus my complaining posts!)  I must do it much more often, more often than daily, to get it.

We have to let go; and I bet you and I made our kids our loves (besides our dhs) and it's so hard not to continue to think we can help them.  There's a saying:  "A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." 

Well, that saying has to go in my book!  Our kids are never gonna be completely happy/content no matter what and I have to start remembering that and paying attention to dh and other things that make myself and others happy....

Let's you and I practice putting ourselves first (counselor told me to; I hadn't thought of that!)  Ourselves, our dhs, people who are kind to us in return.  We can make a difference in others' lives when we aren't worrying about our "kids."  I'm so sorry your kids are squabbling; but you can still have a relationship w them as the others suggested if you can follow their advice.  Someday they'll grow up!

Now.... I have to follow that advice myself!  Keeping you in my thoughts.


Rosehillgirl

Hi There,

I think your right Justanoldgrandma-our kids will never be completely happy or content-that's so sad.

When we were a young couple we didn't have lots of money to spend-every penny had to count. I was so grateful to anyone who gave us stuff-I couldn't afford to be picky about colour schemes. Things got better and easier in time but in the beginning our kids and our home were our NO1 priority-not ourselves.

Our kids have had so much more-they've lived a life I couldn't even have dreamt of. They have designer clothes and furniture, nice cars and foreign holidays-but they are not happy or content.

Society has robbed many young people of happiness and replaced it with envy-someone will always have more than you-a bigger car and nicer clothes. I think this lack of contentment and unhappiness makes them angry and they take it out on those who are close to them.

Our kids do not share any of our values-they are totally self-centred. I can still take some joy in the simple and free things in life but unless it has an expensive price tag our kids believe it's simply not worth having.

Ann

Ruth

Rosehillgirl, love and kind thoughts sent to you.  I think there are many of us, just like you, having just laboriously and lovingly completed a painting that we thought was destined to be a masterpiece, find out that maybe we won't see the return on it in our lifetime.  This really isn't a new problem.  Parents since Adam and Eve have raised adult children that they didn't understand or didn't inherit their values.  Its such an issue now because parents have been dupped into thinking that we have some kind of cosmic power to create stellar human beings on our own, and/or we have some kind of sinister power to corrupt our kids and drive them away if we slid off the mark one way or the other too many times. 

If I were you, I'd just try and work on a relationship with my g/c.  They are old enough now to be in contact with you on their own it seems to me.  Write to them and send them little packages etc., go see them at school, sports, hobbies.  Solving issues isn't your burden to carry any more. 

luise.volta

And we have to remember that all adult children aren't doing this. I had one that did and one that didn't.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

colleen01

December 06, 2011, 01:26:05 PM #20 Last Edit: December 06, 2011, 02:08:25 PM by luise.volta
keys, you're quite the writer!  I love the falling asleep and others being the bulls eye sentence! Also, the big girl and boy panties. It's great, made me laugh, and I want to steaL your lines for myself and put them on my FB wall!! You are one wise lady! I wish you lived next door to me. I love this whole site, it has gotten me through the past month or two, it truly has. I think this site is an answer to prayer, at least for me, it really is! Just my 2 cents.

luise.volta

Just a reminder that we come from all over the world on this site, all religions and no religions. The best way to be respectful is to be non-specific in our comments where religion is concerned. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lisafox41

Hi there,
Like many others, your post could have been written by me. I have a tenuous relationship at best with my AD.
I read something that really put everything in perspective...we have to take control of how we are treated. Do not let your AC abuse you anymore! I keep my contact to a minimum with my AD, and after several months of doing so I feel so much stronger. Being emotionally abused on an ongoing basis wears a person down.
There is no "why"in these situations. You can't explain irrational behavior, and it's not your fault.

Please hang in there. It gets easier with time.

luise.volta

I agree...we can't make sense of the senseless. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama