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It goes on and on....

Started by cremebrulee, March 07, 2010, 07:39:22 AM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 08, 2010, 07:28:32 PM
Guest,
I do somehow realize all this but have had such a hard time coming to grips with it.  I need to be reminded of it.

I can see where I raised the most selfish son and his wife is totally self-centered. Like nothing you've ever seen.  She said not long ago that money was the most important thing in the world, in life itself. 

Do any of you think that?  Am I wrong for thinking that's not right?

Chickie, Guest one is so right...as long as I don't bring up my DIL to my son, our relationship is much more comfortable...yanno, we have to understand, that our son's love they're wives more, in a very different way...if we say anything to them, right away, they think we are demeaning them and take offense, we would to, if someone told us something bad about our husbands...

So, what Guest1 is saying does hold water and is also true for me...

and here's another  thought, we human beings can be very selfish at times...now I'm not talking about you, I know, this about me...I want more...I want my DIL and I to be civil (as someone else put it) to each  other...I want them to come for visits occassionally and have a peaceful time....will it ever happen, probably not...and yes, it's sad, but there is nothing we can do about it...well, yes there is...we can fight it and make ourselves sick, and when and if we fight it...we always end up saying the wrong thing and steping on toes by our expressions of hurt...son's think we're telling them they made a bad choice....they're wives are no good, and we are not!!!  We're hurt, angry, frustrated...and want to be a family...we are trying to explain to them what happened. 

My DIL was very young and very immature when this all started...I was a DIL once to...and I remember how selfish I was, how utterly immature I was, and how I was so excited to start up my own traditions and housekeeping as a new wife...every time my MIL suggested something, it hurt me, I felt like she was saying, your doing it all wrong....and she wasn't...and I'm sure that is what happened with my DIL....

So, understand...unfortunately even though we would like to, sadly, we can't have it all, we can't have what other families have, due to this problem...and in all things in life, there is always a trade off...unfortunately...but, we have to decide to move on and allow and be tollerant and find other things to keep ourselves busy.

I know my words are no consellation, however, we are all in the same boat, we all react differently to situations and as you can see from my posts, my emotions are up and down about this...when you try and love someone and they reject you, it's awful...especially when we know, it means, estrangement from our families...it's very despairing and hard...but for our own sakes, we have to change, and maybe this whole thing is some play by destiny, God, or whatever spiritual belief you have...I always try to tell myself, there is something in this for me to learn.

Hugs and luv
Creme

cremebrulee

Well, last night ladies, I wrote my DIL...I know some of you will disagree, however, inside I felt I had to...I took blame...and told her things that I've learned here (didn't tell her about this site)...I asked her if we could forgive and go forward, leaving the past where it is...I told her that I do admire her for always having my son's back when he makes huge decissions...and she does...I explained to her, that I really did think she hated me...from the beginning and wanted me out of they're lives...also said, that I know my son and she love each other dearly...and that is a mother's wish.  Told her that I believe this whole thing started from miscommunication, insecurity on both of our parts, fear and hurt....said, things kept escalating and everything we said to one another was always taken as a personal attack, when it wasn't meant that way.  Also said that I understand, I was a DIL once to...explained to her, that I always encouraged my son to go, to experience, to travel so he wouldn't miss out...on life experiences...also told her, she was never a threat to me...that I had lost 3 babies, one after my son was born, and she was a girl...and when my son told me he was going to propose, I was so extactic, which may also have frightened her by me coming on way to quickly and to strong.  Told her, I couldn't wait to someday have a DIL/friend.

Also told her that my door is always open, and she is always welcome...but if we decide to go forward, the only way to do so, is to leave the past buried for good.

So, we'll see...if she doesn't respond so be it...it won't hurt me anymore, I have nothing to loose and I don't expect much...so I wanted to thank you ladies, all of you for hanging in there in this thread...for all your wise advice, thoughts feelings and opinons on the matter...I don't know what I'd do without all of you...your support and your care...

One thing, I'm no longer  afraid...I don't care anymore either way, and I plan on continuing to write her short notes every once in a while and continue to send her birthday cards...if she sends them back..so what..at least I can keep trying...but no matter what happens, I no longer have any expectations...I just want to assure her that we are only human beings, we all make mistakes...we're never going to live up to each other's expectations, that is impossible....and, I will never shut the door to her...she is always welcome....and that's it...heck, I have nothing to loose, and lots to gain...so, whatever is, is...

I know I'll still have ups and downs, it's an emotional roller coaster...however, you ladies and your posts have given me so much strength...I've grown b/c of you gals!

I'll let you know if I hear anything...however, if I don't I won't say anything....

In the meantime, again, big hugs to all of you and many thanks!

Creme

2chickiebaby

Creme, when you said "you wrote her", I was wondering if it was by mail or email?  So many reasons why she might never tell your son she got it.

I hate to feel this way but I do.  You never know what they are going to do.  I think it would be a good idea, the next time you talk to your son, to tell him, "oh, I wanted to tell you that I wrote DIL"

This way, if she doesn't tell him you wrote, he will know.  Good Luck!!!!!

cremebrulee

she may very well never tell my son she never got it...but that's the chance I take...Chickie, I'm so tired of this, all I can do is keep trying...without any expecation...I have nothing more to loose, no matter if she tells my son or not...I would hope and pray, my perceptions of her are wrong...however, if they are not, then so be it...only she has the answers to that...

I've discussed it with my son, and honestly feel, now, its between her and me, and if she doesn't respond, that is her perogative...however, at least I know I tried, and believe me, I have nothing, nothing left to loose...I don't care either way any more....I won't allow this to ruin my life, run my life and change my perspective...

I am a good person, and if she doesn't want to let go of all this and try, then I'd say that speaks volumns....

however, my door will still never be closed to her, and....I won't allow myself to be anybody but me, from now on...I won't allow her to take away my identity, b/c I fear she's going to get upset about something I innocently say.

yes, I'm straight forward and to the point...so I say, sue me....I can't change...doesn't mean I love her any less...however, I will flourish, along in my journey, with or without her or my son, if that is they're choice....I'm beyond the hurt...and all you ladies, have helped me get here...Praise God....!!!!!!!!!!

2chickiebaby

That's a great way to look at it, creme...I pray for the best..

renny97

I like, that you won't let your identity be taken away. I think you are in such a healthy place. Once, we get past our insecurities, we know what we need to do--either way.

cremebrulee

many thanks to both of you....

hugs
Creme

Marilyn

Creme,I think writing your DIL was a good idea.At least you know,you have done all you can to try and work things out.It will be the start of healing the relationship with your DIL,or healing of your self,so you can go forward with the peace of mind knowing you did your best.
Your Dil might not respond,but keep in mind,she might soften in time.If you can stay upbeat and positive,it will reinforce how sincere you are.

Wishing you the best  :)





cremebrulee

Quote from: Mominwaiting on March 09, 2010, 07:54:32 AM
Creme,I think writing your DIL was a good idea.At least you know,you have done all you can to try and work things out.It will be the start of healing the relationship with your DIL,or healing of your self,so you can go forward with the peace of mind knowing you did your best.
Your Dil might not respond,but keep in mind,she might soften in time.If you can stay upbeat and positive,it will reinforce how sincere you are.

Wishing you the best  :)

thanks so much MOM
thats how I feel to...and ya know what, if she doesn't respond, its ok...I'll keep trying from time to time, and continue sending birthday cards, and yes, hopefully she will reach a plain in her life when she says to herself, all this stuff is so silly....

Hugs and thanks
Creme

Barbie

Good luck, Creme. I'm glad you did what you feel is right for you, what makes you feel good and at peace with yourself. That's important in order to move on.
Hugs.

cremebrulee

Quote from: guest1 on March 09, 2010, 08:53:32 AM
Good luck, Creme. I'm glad you did what you feel is right for you, what makes you feel good and at peace with yourself. That's important in order to move on.
Hugs.

Thanks so much  ;D

Creme

catchingup


Hi Cremebrulee
I hope I did not upset you about the bathing of the baby. I did not realize this took
place while you were looking after her.
In all the time that my mother-in-law interferred and said horrible things to me I never tried to keep her son away from her which is cruel but from what you say he does phone you but not seeing him must be awful.
I think you were brave to write to her and I hope she makes peace with you.

cremebrulee

Quotecatchingup
Hi Cremebrulee
I hope I did not upset you about the bathing of the baby. I did not realize this took
place while you were looking after her.
In all the time that my mother-in-law interferred and said horrible things to me I never tried to keep her son away from her which is cruel but from what you say he does phone you but not seeing him must be awful.
I think you were brave to write to her and I hope she makes peace with you.

Hi Catchingup
Heck no, I'd never be angry with anyone who gave me constructive critizisum

Well, we'll see what happens...I don't expect much...and yes, it is difficult not to see my son...but yanno something...at least we've been talking every weekend for the past 2 years or so...and  I'm not afraid to talk...when I'm around DIL, I was even afraid to hug him, to show him attention...and maybe that's all my fault?  I just didn't want her to think that I was invading her space.

Since I've been on this forum...I can't tell you how it's helped me see things more clearly...so it must play out, and it will be what it is...no more, no less....

hun...your feelings are very valid, and I do realize, we can not all think alike...some people are not afraid to walk around naked in front of they're kids, others think that is awful...to me, it's whatever your comfortable with, as long as you don't hurt anyone in the process...and I say you, meaning you in general...not you personally...

Hugs and thanks so much
It's so nice to have you DIL's on here...and I'm sorry for any pain and heartache you've had to endure. 

I'm 61 now, and I wish like anything, I could make us all see, that a lot of this stuff is nothing...is very trivial...we just took offense to things that were not meant the way they sounded...

I truely believe there are horrible MIL's and DIL's out there....but yanno, compared to some peoples troubles, this stuff is silly when you really think about it, isn't it...it wouldn't have to be...

Hugs
Creme