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my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family

Started by chereee123, July 20, 2009, 07:57:12 PM

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luise.volta

You're welcome. We're all interested and concerned, as you can tell. If you get a chance, give us your input on some of the other posts.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Quote from: luise.volta on July 21, 2009, 11:05:46 AM
Hi,

We are seeing a pattern emerge, and Prissy is right, not always...where the future DIL is lovely to behold and easy to get along with during the engagement. Then the magic wand of "The Wedding" brings a change, sometimes actually overnight, where supremacy is the issue and her unsuspecting MIL becomes "The Enemy." Sometimes it's not overnight, it's a slow and insidious MIL character assassination. The results are the same. There is no incident and no altercation, although sometimes one is fabricated. The DIL isolates, and is either stonily silent or openly abusive around her extended family. (Well, there are other behaviors, too, one being sneakily vicious.)

(There are times when it's the MIL who has these supremacy issues and evidences this behavior but that's not the case here, or your DIL would be posting on this website...or one of the popular MIL bashing ones.)

In the situation being described, the new husband, who has just established a separate family unit, may be torn but his allegiance is a no-brainer. War has been declared and he has been taken hostage. Grandchildren will also be taken hostage.

The horror of this is that it is initiated externally and there is nothing we know of that the MIL can do; logic and loyalty are of no use. Respect is unheard of. It's not a situation where "the ball is in the DIL's court"...the game is actually over and she won without the MIL even knowing what was going on. MILs may calmly address this catastrophe or beg and plead, rant and rave, weep and take to their beds or even withdraw and move on but nothing changes. It simply isn't about the MIL, she doesn't exist in the grand scheme of things.

The son pays a terrible price in the middle of all of this unexpected warfare. He is often pulled back and forth, is intimidated and may even crumble under the pressure. Many, (again, not all), eventually withdraw from their loving and supportive families of origin because it's a way to survive. Some do a fairly good job of "deciding" that their brides are right.

Our job, we are slowly learning, is to not to get into guilt or into trying to "fix it"...while we learn to avoid becoming a victim. A tall order. The loss is something we can't adequately describe and most of us never fully get over it.

Blessings, Luise
I apologize on how behind the times I am, but I just read this and I have one word for thos post, Luise, "profound".
You are brilliant!  And wonderful.
Love you, Hope

sassafras

I am new here but this is just so familiar.  The only difference, they, my son, is not married yet.  They've lived together for over 2 years.  Baby is 5 months old and I am only allowed to see her if  the GF  is present.  We've never been invited over, they live less than 2 miles away.  Told to come if I want but when I show up they are both rude and I feel unwelcome.