my 21 yr. old daughter won't speak to me and says she never will

[luise.volta]

D. -  My family keeps saying that. The one they all love is irreverent I know but it's:

"Wherever two or more are gathered together, you have a pot luck and a fight." 

[somom]

I so identify with your situation.  I have a 30 year old daughter that has not spoken to me in a year.  She blames me for everything in her growing up years.  For things like not going to music day for her school, and not teaching her how to drive a shift car when I taught my sons.  She lets everyone know about her hatred for me.  I almost died giving birth to her and we have a large family so she did have to help me a lot.  She criticizes everything I do.  I have told her I am so sorry for anything that has made her sad or hurt her feelings.  I even wrote her saying that again and that I am here to help her heel.  I also told her I am not going to be a door mat for her to walk on.  Still there is nothing from her.   Her absence at family gatherings is so very obvious.  I think I have done all that can be done.  My husband thinks she hates her life so she wants everyone else to miserable.  She has had several questionable boyfriends.  I am just so tired of being judged.  I feel none of my children appreciate anything I do.  I get them all Christmas gifts and none of them even think about getting me one.  Boy, I thought I was raising them right.  I was so very wrong. Does someone have any advice for me.  I get so very disappointed all the time.

[ames849]

Sassy - I am absolutly sticking around ! I think I finally found something that makes me feel good....I tried to put a happy face but I got dotes and a D instead..lol . You have all made me feel like there is hope and a light at the end of this very long tunnel. You have also been able to make me feel in a few short hrs what my therapist has been trying to explain to him for months now. I think i just didn't beleive him. I am making all of these conections now though ! I want to answer you all and am going to but can't right now . I know I have gone on about all the bad side to my DD but the good in her is the easy part. Naturally we all love our own but It's not entirely her fault that she treats me like this . I know that if I didn't allow it from the beginning i wouldn't be in this position today. I do take the blame for worring so much about her being upset with me rather than doing my real Job with her......preparing and teaching her to be a functioning adult in society. I did too much for her and bought too much for her. She is very much into fashion in college (straight A's), she is beautiful and full of life . She works but makes a very small check because the job counts towards her internship. She lights up any room she walks into and has a huge solcial circle. Very respectful to all but the one who desrves it the most...me ( i know I created this ,now working on changing what i did wrong) For the new girl today somom- Neither of my kids buy me anything!! last yr. or the yr. before was the first time my DD ever got me a christmas gift ( except when i used to give them money for the holiday gift store in elementary school). My son still never buys me anything or ever gets me a card and for some reason that doesn't bother me...i just always make excuses for him like oh he doesnt have any money ,but then i told him one year to scrape up some change to get me a card and he said ok mom but never did. I still know that he loves me though...i am ok with that . It's the attitudes and coldness that destroy me.

[ames849]

somom - yes , i know how tired you are of being judged ! and not being sure of yourself and if you are doing things right or wrong. Our children's judging us is worse for me than my divorce in a way. At least I was able to walk away from that one.. I am not walking away and couldn't from DD and so its heart wrenching I know. I am not in a postion probably to make you feel better but these woman certainly are !!!!

[Pooh]

"Wherever two or more are gathered together, you have a pot luck and a fight." 

Ba ha ha!!!!

[luise.volta]

[wonderingafter40]

I dont feel you should "go home." It doesn't seem like she is looking for a mother/daughter relationship but rather a cleaning lady, cook, ATM, etc... We raise our children and lead them into the world hoping they make good decision. We dont control, manipulate, or become passive agressive. Your daughter seems very dominant and maybe it's time for her to go spread her wings. I agree with the other woman, you should concentrate on yourself and surround yourself with people who make you happy and laugh. You have a BIG heart and have provided nicely for your family. Your daughter will come around, it may not be as quickly as you would like, but she will. Have faith and confidence in yourself that you did a good job raising her and have given her the tools she needs to learn life lessons. She needs to pave her own path, she will be back....In the meantime, live YOUR life

[Eggshelz1]

It's funny, but at my ODD's wedding, I was the outcast one, and my FOO came to the wedding. We conducted ourselves beautifully but were virtually ignored by my former in=laws etc. I mean-to the point of abject coldness and rudeness.
2 years later, I was telling ODD about another siblings stepdaughter's wedding, and how my FOO went to the wedding and got totally ignored. I had actually forgotten about my own ODD's wedding. Anyway, she looked at me and was totally horrified and asked me 'Mom, did I do that at my wedding?'.
I said 'no darling'.

Because at that moment, I realized she did not do it on purpose. That was just the way it went down after the divorce many years ago.

Sometimes they know not what they do........at the potluck dinner. 

[Pen]

Wondering, welcome. If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened highlighted in pink under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit. Also, please disregard the frequent spam we seem to be getting hit by these days. We know about it; there are 4 of us moderators in several time zones cleaning it up whenever we log in. Thanks!

[JudyJudyJudy]

Sorry you are hurting...I feel your pain.  I too allowed my DD to control and manipulate me.  That was before I had my non-cancerous brain tumor removed.  Afterwards, I changed and saw things a little more clearly and set some boundaries with her.  Her behavior toward me was so bad at that time, that I had to threaten her with legal action if she continued to cause me and my friends trouble.  Unfortunately, through the boundary setting, she is giving me the silent treatment and will not allow me to see my only grandson...It rips my heart out.

Looking back and if I could have handled the situation with her differently, I would have set those boundaries a long time ago and way before I met my grandson and fell in love with him.  Now, I am in counseling to deal with the pain and you might want to go to counseling to work this out so that you can stay in touch with your daughter or at least work it out before there are grandchildren they can hold over your head to control you.

Just remember however this turns out, you have a right to your own happiness.  It sounds like your children have had problems since you tried to move on with your life and away from their father.  Honestly, they might both harbor resentment for that and you are caught in the middle. 

[ames849]

Again ,thank you for all of the support that I have received from this site ! From the very first day when i couldn't have been feeling any more lost and desperate to now (a week if that ). Since my last update when my DD gave me a four hr. betrating about how horrible of a mother a am......she reached out to me through a text . She needed a little bit of money for gas to get to work. I did (and I know what everyone is thinking ) but, I figured I would try and make her feel something good to try and kick start us back up again. I gave her a little bit more than she asked for so she would also have something in her pocket also. (that she didn't ask for ). She actually said "thank you" and i said your welcome. Later that night she texted me again that she was going on a date and wanted to make sure she had some money on , would I "lend" her a little more ? I only had given her a few dollars extra and she used it for lunch that day so I told her that the first bit of money I gave her she could have but this twenty needs to be paid back. She said OK but i have never been paid back before (still working on that also ). I texted a bunch of questions about this person she was going out with and she answered all of them....a small leap for man kind but giant ,huge step for this Mom! Anyone who has felt the desperation of a child with holding there love knows how i felt at that moment. It sounds crazy i know . This is how it's suppose to be (and without me giving her money). I 'm sure that I am being used especially with Christmas being so close but I don't really care that much. I am going to ask both of my kids during the week if they would like to go to dinner in the city and see the Christmas tree there. I am sooooo hoping that this is the begging of us being able to start a new relationship. It has to start somewhere .
After raising these two children litterally by myself you would think that I would be confident in my mothering abilities when frankly I'm not. I am afraid at every turn...Don't want to say to little , don't want to say to much ....I have found and extreme amount of comfort from this support group in such a short period of time that as I'm busy with my day to day life and the rush of having to get so many thing things done.....I keep wanting to come to this site ! I have skimmed through some of the titles and am very drawn to many ...
I would like to get to know the stories behind many of you , so it will take me some time to go through alot of this but maybe I too can offer some words of kindness or wisdom...Not that I'm out of the woods yet ...lol

[JudyJudyJudy]

Congratulations on your progress!

I was just thinking about us women on here and wanted to mention that I see a definate trend of a lot of single mothers who raised their childrens having problems now.  I think that when we raised our children ourselves we gave up our lives for them and now do not know how to break that cycle so I have decided to pick up where I left off before becoming a mother.  Also, it seems that most children who are raised with a father around learned to respect their mothers because the fathers stood up to the children and stop their mistreatment.  Also, we are doubly hurt because of their lack of appreciation for our sacrifices for them and in many cases shielded them from their own fathers so they would be safe. 

Just thought I'd mention my observation and wanted to mention that things do get easier whether you reconcile with your children or not.  When and if I reconcile with my daughter, it will be on better terms than before too. 

[luise.volta]

Most of us who offer our feedback here aren't "out of the woods." We're all in this together. For me, at least, when I get a handle on something...another "opportunity for growth" surfaces. Sending love...

[MotherOf2]

Dear Ames,
This community has been so helpful to me as well! It is so easy to feel all alone with your heartache. I never could imagine being disconnected from my daughter (she just turned 20). It breaks my heart every day. I feel for you because I can sense your longing as a mother to be connected to your children. You have received wonderful advice. I would like to offer my own thoughts...
We raise our children to become adults. They don't become adults if we make everything easy for them. We can't learn their life lessons for them. It sounds to me like you need to set some boundaries for your children, let them know what their responsibilities are and give them a timeline for living in the house. They also need to know that you deserve to be happy and that you are happy with your BF.
I think you need to know that you deserve to have your relationship with your BF. Try to let go of the guilt. You haven't committed a crime! It's sounds to me like you have been a really good mom, let go and live! I really believe your daughter needs to figure some things out on her own to appreciate you.
I wish you all the best and for your children as well.

[ames849]

well , miserable again ...there's a surprise! .... I must just be a gluten for punishment and there really must be something wrong with me . I know that giving them what they want to make them happy people is not really what my job is about but , I can't help it !. The only way i am happy or feel good or allow myself to feel any other pleasure ...is when my kids are happy with me ! When i gave my daughter a few bucks and she spoke to me in return i was feeling so great and then in one rant of her texting about 15 nasty texts to me cursing and all I'm back to distraught. I see all of this clearly , i just can't stop the cycle. Yesterday , DD called my ex husband and asked him if she could paint my white bedroom furniture black . That she was moving into my bedroom since I'm not there anymore. He called me and i told him absolutely not. That is my room until i say otherwise. My living with BF is too knew for me to relinquish my bedroom (safety net ). I know I shouldn't have to explain why I still want my bedroom but SS just seems to rule the roost. My ex husband told her she couldn't have my room until my BF gave me a ring ! I have never ever said that or indicated that in any way . Not to mention that my DD would feel more enraged at the thought of that. And so , that's exactly what happened . He said what he said to her and then I received 15 horrible text message from DD. cursing and saying how much she hates me and how horrible I am and how she is not waiting for me to get a ring , that's she is taking my room and painting my furniture! I didn't even reply to her but I did call the ex and had him call her back. I also prepared a text that said
" You what , If this was anyone else speaking the way you do to me or anyone else ...a boyfriend ,a girlfriend ,a husband , a wife ,or even a friend , It would be called abuse .Just because you are my daughter doesn't give you the right to abuse me .And that is what you are doing whether you realize it want to admit it. I did nothing to you and thought you were missing me as much as I was missing you but you were not.You got your Christmas list out and asked for other things you needed and it was given to you with pleasure ...then you sneak attacked me. You verbally abuse me at your will. Your purposely hurtfuland emotionally destructive towards me . I NEVER ABUSED YOU IN ANY WAY ! How could you ??/...Don't answer me , I can't take anymore really . "
I didn't send the text . I just think it will give her the empowerment to return to me another slew of nastiness. She won't ever hear what i say . no matter what it is ... I thought we could manage this speaking terms through the holidays but now i don't think so . Her Christmas shopping of a number of very expensive items has been done and i could never give my son and not her. I have no idea whats going to happen at my home when i do Christmas eve . How is she going to react to seeing my BF? ( one of her texts wished him a horrible slow death) Is he even planning on coming with me ? Should I give him the out ? I can't not do it . My son is there and he hasn't done anything wrong . Then I have issues with the dogs that are with me right now . I bring them with me for a visit with the kids on Monday's . That's when i go there to make some food for them and a little something extra for the frig. I go again Sat. mornings but my son is sleeping the whole time and DD leaves for work by Noon. by one p.m I leave. Here is the push pull !! My BF loves and wants the dogs and my kids love and want the dogs !! Of coarse so do i but I just want everyone to be happy and not upset with me.. When ever I want to leave the dogs with the kids for the weekend ,or for a week ,my BF is upset with me ... If I don't then the kids start in with me . Both of them on that issue.