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Thread for Willing to Help

Started by cremebrulee, March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM

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cocobars

March 03, 2010, 05:15:17 PM #15 Last Edit: March 03, 2010, 06:34:28 PM by cocobars
Quote from: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 03:53:47 PM
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
I don't believe you stopped our interactions with eachother. and agree with the "lock" on willing's post.  If you hadn't done that, I believe you would have ended up with a very divided site (which I think you have today anyway).  I'm trying to understand other people (I know we all are here), DIL's included.  At the same time, I expect to be understood too and I think the rest of the MIL's here would as well.  Isn't this a two way street?  I felt beraded by someone posting an anger management book last night after I gave my honest feelings here about a DIL that I didn't trust.  I apologised for my  behavior this morning.  I just can't apologise any further or take any more anger management books being thrown my way, or poor excuses, or a berade of back-peddling, from people who have the anger management issues.  I feel I've done my very best too and will continue, but I realized after that posting last night,  I was not respected for those efforts when I saw the "anger managment" book posted.  These are my honest feelings.  I don't think some of us were treated fairly this morning in the aftermath and should not have had to defend ourselves.  I personally took time off at a secured government homeland security facility to post my apology.  I think there needs to be some people and some emotions that are monitored very closely. 

I don't like being hurt.  I don't like hurting others. I don't like what I saw last night - from MIL's (me) and DIL's alike.   I thought I was in a safe place - until an anger management book was thrown at me the first time I lost my temper with a DIL.  Then I awoke this morning to that same person who posted the anger management book waiting for Creme's appearance when she arrived. It was easy for me to predict where the rest of the day was going.  I wrote the apology and mailed it to myself so I could re-read and edit when I could at work.  I don't get good vibes here...

That's just my opinion and I'm submitting it with a heavy heart.   

Pen

I'm confused... I've re-read all the posts regarding this issue and I'm trying to understand what happened. I'm kind of a muddle-brain sometimes (think "Pooh Bear.")

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Thank you so much. I felt there was a lot that was left unsaid. We all have different filters and backgrounds and when we read each others posts, we can have different perceptions and reactions.

I shut the topic down because some us were getting hurt. For whatever reason, "willing" didn't seem to fit with the majority of our members and I am never going to stand still and watch pain be generated on this forum if there is anything I can do about it. We can always revisit the issue at a later date and take a closer look, it's not about censorship. Yes, it's my site and if I had to pay for it, Which I didn't, it would have cost me mega-thousand...but I created it for you.

Disagreements are always going to happen from time to time. That's OK, isn't it? My thinking was that we might profit from a general review without "willing" present. It seemed to me that several of us were put in a defensive position and I was hoping to move past that.

I doubt that there is such a thing as a safe place or space, the unknown always lurks, but I think we are all committed to coming as near to that as possible on WWU. We can't create the perfect site but we can give it our best shot.

I'm sorry but  I'm in the dark about the reference to anger management. We all have different fuses. What upsets me might be funny to someone else. Expressing rage on our site isn't OK. If that comes up, the person out of control needs to leave and cool off. That's in the agreement somewhere but I'm too lazy to look it up and quote it. 

Also, we all see different red flags. I'm very sensitive to anyone whose first post is very long, jammed with details and charged with negative energy. That's just me. I have to get to know someone a little at a time.

So how does this shake out. I'm the owner but I'm not heavy-handed and I want the best for everyone. Are we OK?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Marilyn

I'm ok Luise,just concerned about Coco,i missed the anger management book also.I was not confortable with Willings post,after i read it,i had to wait a while,think about it,and re read it.Maybe an emotional scar,provoked my response.

I am here to learn and help if i can,and go forward.I feel you made a good call,and thank you for that.

Love and appreciate ya bunches :)

Marilyn

The after affects of the full moon!!! :) :) :) :) :)

cocobars

March 04, 2010, 03:25:29 AM #20 Last Edit: March 04, 2010, 03:47:42 AM by cocobars
On my way to work, but wanted to check in and let everyone know I will try to come through today when and if I can!

I went to sleep last night and didn't get a chance to check again.  For me, as I stated before, I think when I don't try something, I never will know if it would work out.  That's just my opinion.  I have found that I over-reacted in the past (with my thoughts and feelings), and after questioning and responding to some of the new DIL's coming in, I realized they were here for the same reasons I was.  I wouldn't be here talking to some of our women if I hadn't tried that.  I saw by doing that, patience was important.  I also have to forgive myself and realize that I'm human and will keep stumbing at times.  That's ok.  I don't mind stumbing - I'll still get where I'm going...

I still stand by Luise's decisions here.  I believe she is doing the very best she can trying to make this a place where I and everyone else can come for understanding.  Thank you for that, Luise.  With patience, I believe all will work out.

This post presented a challenge for many of us (of course me too!).  Personally, I'm coming back in with an open mind.  That usually works for me - just changing my mind and lightening my own view that way.  I believe trust is not destroyed here, but can become much stronger if I work to understand more.  There is never a place to stop learning and I will be doing it until I die, maybe alot longer.  LOL!

Sending hugs to everyone!  Especially you Luise!  I know this one thread has been a challenge.  Your signature line is proving itself!  But yes, I think we are all going to be fine!

Thank you for understanding my feelings!  I would like to hear how everyone else feels too and personally put more value on women who have been here, than on the ones just walking in.  I would like to know everyone is ok too!

cremebrulee

March 04, 2010, 04:14:06 AM #21 Last Edit: March 04, 2010, 04:31:05 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 04:41:06 PM
I guess the most important question is, how do you feel about it, Luise?

I agree with coco's last 2 posts...and yes, Louise, how do you feel about it....I suppose, I'm way to trusting...and I was literally confused as to why the thread was shut down...however, I have a much better understanding now....

Like Mom in Waiting said, I trust Luise's expertise, and, should have done so from the beginning...

Coco, I apologize, but I just honestly didn't see the contradictions in that post...I do know that people have come in here and posted to literally be contradictive and mocking...but, it's been a while, and I become somewhat forgetful and trust everyone....my bad....also, I didn't think you were getting over heated or emotionally charged...what I saw was, two people who disagreed and were discussing the issue?  Again, my bad...I just didn't see it...or hear it in either one of your words...coco, you have an uncanny knack, of writing very calmly, sincerely and understandingly...wish I had some of what you and some others possess here in this forum..not to mention...a lot of times, in other forums, I was being mocked, and just didn't see it...so....again...please forgive me....

Coco...thanks and Luise, thank you as well....I really am sorry but was honestly totally confused by the whole thing...

another thing, and I'm being honest here...sometimes I fear, that we as MIL's who have been scarred and hurt severely by our DIL's...tend to be leary of new DIL's who come in here...I think about what they have written and wonder to myself, "But what if they are legitament, and just cannot express themselves as good in written words, and I say that, b/c I am one of those people....I don't want to hurt anyone, and certainly don't want to be so gunshy that every new DIL who comes into this forum is someone who is like ours...they're are tons of really wonderful DIL's out there...who are having problems with MIL's....and I felt bad for the gal who posted that thread...so, please note, my questions were not reflected on anyone here....I just needed to understand what was going on? 

someone, please, hit me with a 2 x 4 will ya?




Postscript

"you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right?"

This to me is the crux of the matter. I watched last nights thread and hesitated to post but I will now.  If this site is to remain a place of safety, it cannot be allowed to degenerate to where people are treated badly just because of their position in a family.  Luise was wise to shut down the original discussion, I also think it was wise to continue the discussion, to iron out just what it is we are all doing here.

I can see just how willing has got to the point where she doesn't care about her inlaws feelings.  We teach our children from a young age to ignore bullies, not to "let" them get to us etc.  Shutting out the emotion is a protective mechanism.  If willing doesn't care, they can't hurt her.

These women be they dils or mils, are bullies.  As I see it, this is not a site for Mils or Dils as such anymore, it is a site full of women being bullied by another woman in their family.  We are here to support each other and empower ourselves to overcome or even just cope with the bullying behavior.

Willing said she didn't prevent her husband from being with his family, sharing with his family etc.  I too think she was treated badly at the first meeting.  I think had subsequent behavior had been dissimilar, she would have put it down to a stressful situation, however when a parent thinks they should have some input by right, to their adult son buying a car, then they are far too involved in his life and need to take a step back.  Yes we are parents for life, but we must step back and allow our children to ask us to be involved rather than involve ourselves once they are adults.  Clearly she is in a siege type situation, being actively prevented from building a life and future family with the man she loves.

We all know parental love is strong and lasts forever.  It doesn't and shouldn't supersede the love between husband and wife.  When we get married we give our enduring love to the person we marry and promise to forsake all others for them.  I expect my husband to put me first, I put him first.  I fully expect my children to put their own spouses first in the future.  It won't mean they love or respect me any less, just like I don't love or respect my own parents less, since I became a married woman.  I firmly believe that there is room in our lives for many different types of love.  I remember being pregnant with my daughter (didn't know it was a daughter) and worrying that I would not love my new child with the overwhelming love I felt for my son.  I couldn't see how it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him.  Then I realised that I loved my husband as passionately and deeply as I loved my son (albeit in a different way I hasten to add) and that I could love another child, just as much.

Just my two cents worth

cremebrulee

March 04, 2010, 04:56:13 AM #23 Last Edit: March 04, 2010, 05:03:04 AM by cremebrulee
Pen, thank you, and beautifully said...well written and I believe speaks for all of us....

I to was thinking of this last evening and thinking, if my boyfriend were in the hospital, and I had to call his parents, and his parents came and treated me the way they treated her, I to would be hurt, and I believe they were so wrong...so rude...actually mean to her...I think they should have been happy to have someone there with they're son, who loved him....then I put myself in her parents place, and toyed with the idea of maybe they freak out when something like that happens and loose control of they're emotions, and under normal circumstances, they would have never ever treated Willing like that?  I know under stressful situations like that, some people loose it and are unable to function properly....so, I thought perhaps that might have been the case...but if it were my son, regardless of who was there, I would be happy someone was there with him...no matter how old he was, or who it was...and I certainly wouldn't push her out of any information or decissions that were made regarding his illness....

thank you
Creme

cremebrulee

Hi Coco
thanks so very much but I don't believe it's necessary for you to apologize for your feelings because that is who you are, and we all know and realize, your a very deeply caring and compassionate woman....you've made time for all of us, and have responded to all of us, regardless...that speaks volumns.

again, I'm with Luise on any decission she makes, however, I do so appreciate you all taking the time to enter your input...again, I cannot see your faces, and sometimes, and I kid you not, I just don't get things...so I ask...it's not that I'm pointing fingers at anyone, but it's ok to ask, right?

As Luise said...there is no place 100% full proof...on the internet, that is safe...and from time to time, I suppose, some very angry woman will walk through these doors and do whatever they can to cause problems...however...and forgive me if I'm wrong....I know some people cannot be helped...but I do hope, this site becomes a haven for those who wish to better they're relationships with they're inlaws...so, that maybe at first, a new MIL or DIL who comes in is going to be contrary...(and I'm just throwing this out there for it to simmer with all of us) ok, she comes in, she has a chip on her shoulder, she's very young, and with youth a lot of times comes immaturity...however, she sticks it out in here with us...and she starts to understand our opinions and beliefs...but she's still a bit sharp and gun shy...but in time, it changes..she makes a complete 180 and starts to consider her inlaws feelings?  Those are the gals that I'm so interested in, b/c I feel deep in my soul...if we can help her understand, we are not only helping her, but saving her husband a lot of pain and grief, along with her MIL/FIL.....

Just something I thought about while reading all your posts....
doesn't say I think anyone did anything wrong...I don't....I really really don't....

and Coco...always stay who you are...you didn't do anything wrong...and I didn't read any problems in your posts, honest, I didn't.....I simply thought you two were disagreeing...and that's ok, we are never going to always agree with each other all of the time, which doesn't and shouldn't matter....doesn't make you wrong or me right, it's who we are and how we feel and from that we can all learn...

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to help me understand this...

I feel like I should tell you all, b/c you deserve an explaination...
I have M.S.  sometimes I'm great, other times I can't focus...and other times, I'm sharp as a tack....but a lot of times, I don't get it when I'm reading posts, b/c I can't see anyone's face or they're emotions...

I really, honestly didn't get what was going on here and wanted to understand and discuss it....

Coco, I have no idea about the anger management thing, but I'm sorry that happened...honest coco, I didn't see that you were angry at all....honest...

creme


RedRose

I still stand by my original post about what happened to willing at the hospital. I won't repeat it.. I wrote it because I felt that I had something in common with her situation. I understood it.

I, also, see how the others feel about that first meeting too.

I also understand why Louise felt she needed to close the thread.

Having said that, I do think we could have discussed her problems. Maybe helped each other a little.




Marilyn


Creme,thanks for sharing about your M.S.
I understand what you are saying.I have a good friend that has M.S.She is just like you.We were just co-workers when all this started with her.She would have days she could not comprehend,what i was trying to tell her.At first i had a real hard time with it.It made me leary to talk to her,because what i would say,she heard totally different.We are now really good friends,and i understand it's the M.S.She also will let me know when she is having trouble on trying to focus,and comprehend things..........it just kinda comes and go's.

This will really help all of us Creme,we can better understand you.There will be times,you will need a little more compassion on our part,to help you understand.

Sending Blessings and a hug

Pen

So can we post our thoughts about the Willing situation here or are we done?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

We're still "open," P. It seems like an important thread to me. Most thread just kind of close themselves when all is said and done.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: Postscript on March 04, 2010, 04:27:24 AM
"you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right?"

This to me is the crux of the matter. I watched last nights thread and hesitated to post but I will now.  If this site is to remain a place of safety, it cannot be allowed to degenerate to where people are treated badly just because of their position in a family.  Luise was wise to shut down the original discussion, I also think it was wise to continue the discussion, to iron out just what it is we are all doing here.

I can see just how willing has got to the point where she doesn't care about her inlaws feelings.  We teach our children from a young age to ignore bullies, not to "let" them get to us etc.  Shutting out the emotion is a protective mechanism.  If willing doesn't care, they can't hurt her.

These women be they dils or mils, are bullies.  As I see it, this is not a site for Mils or Dils as such anymore, it is a site full of women being bullied by another woman in their family.  We are here to support each other and empower ourselves to overcome or even just cope with the bullying behavior.

Willing said she didn't prevent her husband from being with his family, sharing with his family etc.  I too think she was treated badly at the first meeting.  I think had subsequent behavior had been dissimilar, she would have put it down to a stressful situation, however when a parent thinks they should have some input by right, to their adult son buying a car, then they are far too involved in his life and need to take a step back.  Yes we are parents for life, but we must step back and allow our children to ask us to be involved rather than involve ourselves once they are adults.  Clearly she is in a siege type situation, being actively prevented from building a life and future family with the man she loves.

We all know parental love is strong and lasts forever.  It doesn't and shouldn't supersede the love between husband and wife.  When we get married we give our enduring love to the person we marry and promise to forsake all others for them.  I expect my husband to put me first, I put him first.  I fully expect my children to put their own spouses first in the future.  It won't mean they love or respect me any less, just like I don't love or respect my own parents less, since I became a married woman.  I firmly believe that there is room in our lives for many different types of love.  I remember being pregnant with my daughter (didn't know it was a daughter) and worrying that I would not love my new child with the overwhelming love I felt for my son.  I couldn't see how it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him.  Then I realised that I loved my husband as passionately and deeply as I loved my son (albeit in a different way I hasten to add) and that I could love another child, just as much.

Just my two cents worth

This was such a beautiful post...thank you for sharing