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How to deal with DIL's b'day or other events?

Started by renny97, February 21, 2010, 08:25:20 AM

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2chickiebaby

Boy, that's the truth, Pen.  Letting go is fine if you're not hit below the belt at every turn. It's ridiculous.  For a MIL, life can be torture and trying to walk a tightrope when you're not even in the circus is too much to ask.  I absolutely hate the term boundaries.  I wish the book had never been written.  Someone took the words and turned them into how to commit murder and get away with it.

Go ahead, belt me one.  (yes, I know DILS and MILS are bad, equally) 

luise.volta

Hey, C/B - Why not write a book? I'm serious. We could all help with the title and with our permission you could use some of our stories. They need to be told. My title? "Boundaries or Battle-lines?"
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

I would, Luise but I don't know what I'd do with the last 15 I've started. :)

renny97

That's it, Pen. Boundaries? Who thought we were even in the same zone? It goes against our nature. We want to see our sons happy (let alone, actually "SEE" them) and it becomes "interfering"? These terms were created for "MILzillas", not the average MIL.

Long ago, I had begun outlines for a book, also. But, it was never considering this topic. How about, "The MIL's Empty Nest"? Or, "The Mother and Begotten Son."

I feel like I have been doing some kind of nesting today....I went on a manic cleaning spree! I even tackled the ceramic tiles in bathroom!? Clean those webs!

Here's another one; "It DOES Fall Far From The Tree."

What is the title of "Chapter 1"???? Where would we start?

Ren

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

I was thinking today after reading these posts about the term "boundaries" and why it bothers some of us so. The way the term is used nowdays sounds like a leash or fence one uses to hinder another's access to the world. I don't want someone else to put me on a leash or in a cage!

But if we look at "boundaries" as something we can put up around ourselves as a safety mechanism against those we feel mean to interfere or harm us somehow, we don't have that same reaction. If someone wants to protect themselves, that is their right. If someone wants to tie me up to protect themselves from some imagined future harm, that is not OK. Big difference.

I think the term "boundaries" is being misused these days. If anyone remembers the pop-psych etymology of the term from the "I'm OK, You're OK Seventies" you could enlighten us. Or maybe it's late and I'm not making any sense at all :)

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

P - You think really well at night.  :)

When I think of that overused, misunderstood word, I think of how I was raised to merge with everyone and everything and had no identity. Merging was what women were supposed to do that...(I was born in the '20s, remember) and shut up. LOL! I like the words individuality and identity and stuff like that.

The opposite of merging for me is not setting boundaries, which sounds defensive and war-like...it's autonomy.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Quote from: penstamen on March 01, 2010, 09:43:28 PM
I was thinking today after reading these posts about the term "boundaries" and why it bothers some of us so. The way the term is used nowdays sounds like a leash or fence one uses to hinder another's access to the world. I don't want someone else to put me on a leash or in a cage!

But if we look at "boundaries" as something we can put up around ourselves as a safety mechanism against those we feel mean to interfere or harm us somehow, we don't have that same reaction. If someone wants to protect themselves, that is their right. If someone wants to tie me up to protect themselves from some imagined future harm, that is not OK. Big difference.

I think the term "boundaries" is being misused these days. If anyone remembers the pop-psych etymology of the term from the "I'm OK, You're OK Seventies" you could enlighten us. Or maybe it's late and I'm not making any sense at all :)
Wow!  You really do think well at night!  That's something I never thought about before!   I never read that book.  I hope someone else has??

You are good Pen!  I hope you stick around... ;D ;D

Pen

Thanks. It's always a gamble, or like Forrest's box of chocolates..."You never know...."   :)

I can't remember if I ever even knew what book that was in, but I do remember people saying "I'm OK, You're OK." I think there might be a book of that title. That was when I first heard the term "boundaries." That entire pop-psych era kind of leaves me with a creepy feeling. Genuine counseling is a wonderful thing, but some of that weird stuff wasn't good for women or anyone in real crisis.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

Yep!  I remember that!  The book I remember too, although I never got time to read it back then.  I was titled "I'm OK, You're OK!"  Imagine that!

See?  You're not as bad as you thought!! :)

Pen

Thanks, Coco. There are days I feel like a dinosaur. I'll use phrases with the younger people I see and they look at me like I'm nuts. Oops, can't say "nuts." Can't say "get busy," "butter up," "tweak," "threesome," "partner," or "chronic." There are a bunch more but I can't think of them right now. It's pretty hilarious when I'm speaking and editing at the same time!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

OMG!  That is sooooooo funny and so true too! 

Thanks Pen!   ;D ;D