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Estranged FS (first son)

Started by ycequeen57, November 29, 2011, 10:24:55 AM

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ycequeen57

Hello,  I'm new to the group so if this is a duplicate subject I apologize.  I am so sad and confused by my FS.  I keep trying to reach out to him and he doesn't respond.  Or when he does it's all about how much he hates my granddaughter's mother.  I am very close to the granddaughter, not the mother.  I get no acknowledgement for any gift I send, no mother's day, no birthday, no Christmas, no phone calls.  His father and I divorced and he went with his dad while the other siblings went with me.  His choice.  Lots more to say, but i simply want to know how much more I should do to reach out to him? Been about 10 years of trying.  He is just being "FS" according to my other children. (Who I am very thankful that they appreciate me.)  But do I just excuse his behavior because he is FS?

Any advice?  I want to just stop hitting my head against the wall because I feel so bad whenever I do something for him.  Should I just grin and bear it?  Put less effort into gifts?  Just send cards?  He lives far away from me.  The more I do the worse I feel. :-\

Thanks for listening.

Ycequeen

luise.volta

Welcome  - Don't worry about duplicate subjects. What's going on with you is important. My take is that I would keep sending cards if I found comfort in that but I would try to accept that they bring him no comfort to FS. Gifts should stop to my way of thinking. He knows how you feel...let it go. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Welcome ycequeen57.  10 years is a long time to be hitting your head against the wall.  You said you feel bad when you do something for him.  Well then that is your answer.  If doing things for him makes you feel bad, then they are not worth doing.  We learn here that we have to let go of our expectations, even if they are reasonable because that's what they are, they are our expectations.  If you can send him cards with no expectation of acknowledgement, because it feels good and right to you, then do it.  If it doesn't feel good, then don't do it.

Like Luise said, he knows and the harder you try to remind him, the more he will ignore it.  Concentrate on those relationships that bring you joy and happiness.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

I agree with Luise and Pooh and think it's time to stop or at least alter what you're doing so you don't feel bad. 

One thing I've noticed for myself:  If I stop doing what makes me feel bad,  it may take awhile to replace that action with something else.  I used to smoke and felt bad with every cigarette toward the end.  I stopped and felt better for stopping but then I had to figure out what to do with my hands and how to handle situations where I otherwise would have lit up

What I guess I'm saying is give yourself some time to change your patterns and don't give up if you feel at loose ends before you find another place to redirect your attention.  Coming here and posting can be your place to redirect your attention for a while - it works for me!

pam1

Welcome ycequeen57 :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (top two threads highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Don't worry about duplicating, this is what we are here for :)  Glad you found us.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lisafox41

Welcome,
Relationships have to go both ways in order for them to work. Your FS is showing you he is not interested. Sending cards as you do is a very gentle way of keeping the door open.
It is time for you to concentrate on things that bring you joy...don't send gifts if it brings you sorrow.

sesamejane

Hi Queen, and welcome.  Ditto what everyone else said.  The only way the dynamic will change is if you change.  Letting go of 'trying' will do  you a world of good.  Nice to hear from you.

Pen

Queen, I agree with everyone. Send the occasional card to let him know you think of him, or to keep him informed of major life changes or updated contact info, and let the rest go. He may feel pressured by what he sees as guilt-inducing contact (not that that's your intent.) When the pressure's off, and he feels as if he has the choice to either contact you or not, he may well choose contact. In the meantime, find other outlets for your love and concern. Spend the gift money on yourself, for example!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Yes, and then tell us what you got and we will celebrate with you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Gidget

Welcome, and I have to repeat but I agree with what everyone said.  Just try to keep a channel open so your son knows you love him like the cards but dont expect anything in return.  I am in the same situation with my DD and in my case its emails and I dont even get an answer.

ames849

Hi , I am also new to this group today and I am not sure that since i have problems of my own that i should be giving any to anyone else. I am going to though ...lol Yes , I think that you shouLd keep doing the things for him that give you pleasure just lower your expectations on the return. He is who he is now and at least he picks up the phone for you. I would take that over my situation anyday... It was a little funny to me when i read the thing about no cards , or gifts etc.. I have the same thing with my son but not because he doesn't love me ,I think it's just more out of laziness..I have spoiled my kids so much that i didn't make it suck a big deal from the start so now how can it be a big deal ?? Maybe that happened with you too. He loves you and is still in your life. He is safe and healthy I hope and vise versa. Maybe no more needs to be needed from him.

luise.volta

If only the people who had no problems of their own were allowed to post, it would be an empty page. Your's truly included. There are no "authorities" here, only our cyber-family. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Doe

Amen, Luise - posting here has been part of my 'therapy'.   :) :)

luise.volta

Wonderful, D. It sure means the world to me, as well!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I would be offended if people came in, that had no problems and wanted to give advice! Lol.  Pssshhh....if you haven't had issues in your life, how could you learn and be sympathetic/empathetic?

So welcome ames!  ;)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell