adult daughter in an interracial relationship

[ruthann]

My adult daughter has been living with this fellow for over a year.  The only reason I know about it is I drove over 1000 miles to see her last year. 
She warned me to have an open mind.  I told her I am a fairly open person.
She told me I needed to be "very" open.  I told her I could be.  Well, she introduced me to her black boyfriend.  Well, being a teacher, I have taught children from all races.  I have always treated everyone equal.  I was very gracious to this young man.  I took them out to eat, we had a good conversation, saw their apartment, and came home.  My husband to this day does not know.  I don't think it is my place to tell him.  She told me she'd tell her dad when she has to cross that bridge.  Her dad rented a place for part of the winter that will be about 50 miles from her.  We are hoping to have a few good visits while we are in the area.  She doesn't communicate much with us and my dad is wondering "why".  Since we are on good terms with DD, I predict the reason is because of the relationship she is in. 
She will answer my emails.  I don't write her but about once a month.  She has called 4 or 5 times this year---Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and my birthday.  When we call we have to leave a message and she doesn't return the calls.    I can accept her bf into the fold if he treats her well, they share the same values, and she is happy.  She shares very little.  How can I get her to open up a bit about her relationship?  Her dad would not be happy at all.  It puts a strain on me, too.  She hasn't even mentioned coming home for Christmas.  Of course, I haven't called to ask her.  I'm a bit hurt because we talked to her on her birthday two weeks ago and sent her a gift.  She had to get the gift from the apartment complex office.  So far, we have had no acknowledgement that she picked it up. 
As you see, I have several issues here.  The major one about the relationship is what I would like advice about.  Her dad is getting close to 80 years old.  I am in my late 60's.  Our DD is 32.  She lived at home until she was 28, going to school, working, etc.  She was born into our family by adoption.  From the moment we laid eyes on her at 3 months, we loved her with every fiber of our beings.  She's a wonderful young woman but there's just a feeling of utter detachment from us.  I want to regain the relationship we once had. 
Thanks for any advice you send my way.

[luise.volta]

It seems to me that your DD is setting the pace. I doubt you can do anything but accept it. We all have very different belief systems....mine would never allow me to keep a secret of such magnitude from my huband. Once I knew...he would, too. In your husbands place...I would feel betrayed.

Your daughter is going her own way and only wants minimal contact. She is an adult and gets to make that choice. Your option may be to shift your focus for no other reason than the fact that it may bring you more peace and joy. You are young (from my point of view.) Your job as a mother is done and your life lies ahead of you. My last child left our home in 1975. Look ahead, if you can't have what you want and your expectations, hopes and dreams involving you daughter aren't being met...and change direction.
Sending love...

[Pooh]

I would also add that if you know Dad would not be happy with it, then she knows Dad is not going to be happy with it, so she's staying away to avoid the conflict.  Since she's still staying in contact, it's not about you.  It's probably her worry and fear that BF will not be accepted and that Dad will be disappointed in her. 

I'm with Luise that I also could not keep that from my DH.  I would have told him immediately upon my return.  Even if I knew that he wouldn't like it, I would have told him because once he found out that I had known for a long time, he would be very hurt.  Also, my DH may not like something, but once given a chance to think on it for few days, he normally becomes logical about it.  I would want him to have a chance to think on it and maybe accept it, than her show up for Christmas with BF and catch him off guard.

[ruthann]

Thank you, Pooh and Louise.Volta!   I pretty much dropped a hint to my DH last night.  He was asking me about why our DD never calls.  He mentioned maybe it's because she can't afford the call or she's just too busy.  I told him her company pays for her cell phone and perhaps it could be she has a bf.  His eyes lit up when I said that.  Then I continued to mention that maybe he is of a different race.  His eyebrows raised and he said nothing.  My DD met this guy on a former job.  Personally, I always thought she's with him just to show everyone she's not prejudiced.  Second, she was  between jobs and couldn't get an apartment in her own name.  Thirdly, this is the only young man she has ever dated.  She is very immature for her age.  We get calls here at home about debt that she owes.  She is very much of a procrastinator---letting her car license expire, having her personal cell phone disconnected, not paying her personal property taxes, etc., etc.  We saved her from not having a car repossessed a few years ago.  I guess that's why I shouldn't expect a thank you card or a thank you call for the birthday gift we sent her a few weeks ago.  My problem is I think some of this has to be genetic.  Her dad and I taught her good manners, good money practices, good values, etc.  How she acts just blows my mind.  How can I just accept her as she is?  I love her dearly but it still hurts. 

[Pooh]

Exactly how you just said it, accept her for how she is.  You don't have to like the behavior or enable it, but you can just let her be how she is.

Good for you for dropping hints at DH about the situation.  I personally can be very accepting of situations that I may not agree with if I have time to prepare.  I hate being blindsided and may not react very well when done that way.

[lancaster lady]

Ruthann:

Hello and welcome :
I think as long as my DD was happy and this guy will look after her , what does it matter what colour
he is ?
She is perhaps not embarrassed by him just her DF's reaction .
If he isn't right for her , then she will move on , however if he is , then hopefully her family will accept
him . He might be the rock that steadies her .
My DD is 29 and single , and if she met the right man tomorrow I would be soo happy .
She is also like your DD regarding money ....hopeless .
I just want someone else to take on her burden and release me !!!
I love her dearly , but we jump from one crisis to another on a regular basis .

I don't think it's genetic , she's 32 and grown , she's just exercising her independence .
Remember that next time  when she asks you to bail her out .....

[Begonia]

I agree with the other posts that say you have to let her make her own decisions.  Like a lot of loving moms, I have been guilty of doing too much and bailing out my DS and DD.  I stopped that quite a few years ago now and it's nice to see that they can make it on their own. Loving means letting go, hard as it is.  Good luck and keep posting!

[ruthann]

Thanks, lancaster lady! I agree with you.  If she's found someone that is good to her and she's happy, then I'm happy.  You are right when you say it doesn't matter what color a person's skin is.  Like the old saying, "You can't judge a book by its cover."  If he is going to continue to be a part of her life, I would like to get to know him better. Of course, that's very difficult being so many miles apart.  I'm hoping we will get together several times while we are staying close to them during the month of Jan. 
My generation grew up not accepting black/white dating, etc.  Since I have been in the teaching field for many years, I am more broad-minded and
accepting of all nationalities.  If this fellow makes my DD truly happy, I will
do nothing but accept him into the fold.
My husband, on the other hand, is a different story.  I really don't think he would ever be receptive of him coming into our home.  That is what concerns me.

[Doe]

  My husband to this day does not know.  I don't think it is my place to tell him.  She told me she'd tell her dad when she has to cross that bridge.  Her dad rented a place for part of the winter that will be about 50 miles from her.  We are hoping to have a few good visits while we are in the area. 

So, is your husband her dad?

I would also have told your husband.  It sounds like BF's race isn't a big deal to you but keeping it secret turns it into a big deal.
Her dad rented the place near her - it that's your husband, definitely tell him!  If he's your ex, then I think she should tell him.

My nephew's first GF then wife was another black. He did such a bad job of introducing her to the family that we didn't have much time to like or dislike her - he made race the issue.  That marriage ended and he married another black woman who is part of the family now, loved and accepted.  I think it's up to your daughter to find her comfort level and then sell everyone else on the BF, but I think that regardless of race.

[pam1]

I think Dad should be told, preferably by DD but if not, by you.  Otherwise it's making it a secret like a pp said and a "big deal."  When in reality, it's not a big deal.

If anyone has problems with it, it is their problems to own and work through.  DD and her bf do not need to do anything, it is what it is for them.

[ruthann]

Doe,
Yes, my husband is her dad.  We are happily married.  I am definitely going to make him aware of the situation before our winter vacation.  We will be about 50 miles from her.  So it's not that we will be seeing her everyday.
I'm hoping for two or three times while we are there a month.  She works and sometimes has to work on weekends.  I know she will be very warm and offer to give us a tour of the city she's living in.  I do think she is very cold toward us because of her relationship.  I would like to openly talk to her about it.  If there is some other reason why she isn't communicating much, I would want to do something about it.  How can I tactfully approach her?

[Doe]

Is this guy just a BF or someone who is going to join the family?  Maybe you could clarify that first.  Maybe you can ask if you've done anything to push her away and that might give her the opportunity to open up? 

As far as DH goes - I think the best thing is to get the conversation going any way you can.  A lot of talking is going to have to happen to get him to feel better about DD and other races so I would get started.

[ruthann]

Doe, I am so appreciative of your suggestions.  I have been seeing a therapist for a few months at $150 for 45 min. which I really can't afford.
Then, by accident, I came across this website.  This is so much better than the therapist.  I've stopped going to her.  Everyone who has responded to my question, has been VERY helpful. 
I thank each and every one of you. 

[Doe]

LOL!  I hear ya, Ruthann!  I have a theory that psychs and pharmaceutical companies have replaced the fences and kitchen tables that our grandmothers used to chat over.  JMHO!  Not meant to make anyone feel bad!!

One thing, if you can convey to your daughter - how she introduces the BF into the family will make all the difference.  If it's just casual and passing, maybe there's no reason to weave him in.  If she sees a future with him and loves him, try to get her to see that she can use some of that love to help her dad accept her new guy.  Let her know you are on her side as well as his?

[Pooh]

ruthann keep in mind too that you said she hasn't mentioned coming for Christmas, then you said Dad probably wouldn't be receptive to her ever bringing him into your home.  I bet she already knows that and that's why she's not mentioning coming.  If you knew that about your Dad, would you be considering coming in at Christmas?  I wouldn't.