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Boundaries

Started by thesecondwife, March 01, 2010, 01:52:01 pm

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cremebrulee

I'd like to suggest you sit her down and talk with her...if she takes it hard, it means, she is unable to view anyone else's feelings but her own...one thing I would not do, is tell her your BF feels this way or that...or it will cause animosity between them...I would explain to her, that your a grown woman and she needs to understand boundaries and change, which goes along with you setting up housekeeping...

She may not like it, however, she'll get over it...but you will also need to enforce whatever boundaries you set up...sometimes tough love is the most difficult exercise to do, however, in the end, it will help...

I just cannot understand some parents who think, b/c your they're child, they own a sense of entitlement to my home, privet life, etc....

Hugs and good luck...

2chickiebaby

Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:39:54 am
I agree Penstamen!  It's hard trying to be someone you're not just to please someone else.  I think I'll just be me!  I do that better anyway!

Thanks for the thought! :D

Sending you magic crystals...


Dear Pen and Coco,

It's the hardest thing trying to fit into someone else's view of what you should be what you should do.  I did great with people, always. I didn't even have to try.  Fitting into someone else's idea of how I should be is not right for me or anyone else for that matter.   Sometimes an injustice can be inflicted.  It was. I do "me" better than anyone else so I pray I can get back to her.

cremebrulee

That is why I'm not married, if I learned one thing from my DIL, I DO NOT want to wake up at the end of my life, in someone else's idea of what my life should be...I've seen way to many women ruin the life of her husband, b/c she demands him to be who she wants him to be, instead of loving him for him.

Way to many people do not allow they're spouces breathing room, quality time to themselves...yanno?  I believe it's good and healthy for a man and woman to do get away weekends with they're friends....

I could never again stand being smothered, and when I see how my DIL projects herself and her beliefs on my son....sheesh, makes me Praise God that I'm single....

and I mean no insult to anyone....but have seen this way to many times...people get married for all the wrong reasons....and then mold they're spouces into they're idea of who they should be....NO THANK YOU!

thesecondwife

When I met my BF, I wasn't looking for anyone, just something told me to contact him. I'm glad I did! :)

But Creme, thank you! I did tell my M nicely to not call till 9ish and never mentioned BF. I think that is a reasonable time and she is better about it now. She automatically thought it was BF and still does even though I said I want to sleep in. She is an early riser and I like to lay in bed now and veg.

But she is better now and is ok with the new calling time. :)

luise.volta

Amen, C! Good to hear that. I have always loved separate bedrooms, retreats, space to just be me. Not popular concepts in my generation.

When a close friend insisted that I meet Val...I was a full-time RVer and told her "No, no guy for me! I don't ever want to negotiate my life with another person again!" LOL! And until he got severe memory loss and dementia, I had all of those things I so cherished...independence!  Yes! ;D

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 08:51:03 am
Amen, C! Good to hear that. I have always loved separate bedrooms, retreats, space to just be me. Not popular concepts in my generation.

When a close friend insisted that I meet Val...I was a full-time RVer and told her "No, no guy for me! I don't ever want to negotiate my life with another person again!" LOL! And until he got severe memory loss and dementia, I had all of those things I so cherished...independence!  Yes! ;D


I think it is possible to find someone who is allowing and can view they're mates need to be who they are.  so many many people compromise they're identities for they're spouces. 
It sickens me the way some people are so controlling....when I sit back and view my DIL and son, I am so thankful I am not married to someone like her...(anymore)  LOL...

I've never known someone who didn't try to control my life....

Funny, how when people are dating, they're only concept is the inability to not see the other persons needs, and some even try to stagnate your goals...career, etc...Now I'm not talking about hanging out in bars...however, if a spouse wishes to pursue a college degree, go away once in a while on weekend getaways with they're friends, I have no problem with that...

Luise, you were very lucky to have someone so insightful, and allowing.

Hugs
Creme

cocobars

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 06:11:27 am
Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:39:54 am
Dear Pen and Coco,

It's the hardest thing trying to fit into someone else's view of what you should be what you should do.  I did great with people, always. I didn't even have to try.  Fitting into someone else's idea of how I should be is not right for me or anyone else for that matter.   Sometimes an injustice can be inflicted.  It was. I do "me" better than anyone else so I pray I can get back to her.

I believe she's hiding somewhere close by and will be back when you are ready to let her come back out and "play!"

Feel that?  It's a very big hug...

2chickiebaby

Thank you, Coco...I want to be me again but I've stuffed me down so far now that I only let me come out sometimes.  It upset the DILs, after years of having so much fun around here.

I was somewhere today and the people were laughing with me...I have a dry sense of humor so obviously, even people I don't know "got it".  I never had anyone NOT get it till I met the DILs.


cocobars

Maybe you need to go "somewhere" more often, so you can re-learn who that wonderful woman is with the dry humor! 

catchingup

Quote from: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:20:41 pm
I wonder if someone sets out to not like another person whether it matters who or how they are? What an awful thought!


It is this word "Trying" trying to get on with the DIL, trying to please. The more you try the more DIL will reject you because she will know you are "Trying"
I call it "Sucking up" Why should we have to suck up to anyone.People will like us less for it and see it as a weakness.

We are all differant. We can meet someone for the first time and just"Click" feel as if we have known them for years and other times we just dont connect with people.

When one of my sons ex-girlfriends met us for the first time she sat down and spoke to us for a whole half hour while my son showered and dressed.
I never ever had the feeling that she did not like me but certainly knew that she did not like some things I did and if I complained about my own short comings she would sit me down and suggest a solution.

She was "special". My son is special to me too but strangely it was my motherly instinct I knew this relationship would not lead to marriage. I somehow knew she would outgrow my son.
She still remembers my Birthday.

She managed to get my son to stop smoking and if that was her purpose to be around for 4 years I will be ever grateful to her and forever grateful for teaching me that a possible DIL can be a friend. 

Well brought up and taught to treat people with respect.


luise.volta

What lovely insights. I, too, have an ex-DIL I am close to. And to see that your DIL outgrew your son is so refreshing. It's OK...some people want to grow and some don't. It's not a right or wrong thing.

And regarding the post about the possibility that there are those who decide not to like a person they haven't yet met, I have been there. My step-son (SS)  and is wife did that. I never had a chance.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 05:37:58 pm
Maybe you need to go "somewhere" more often, so you can re-learn who that wonderful woman is with the dry humor!


Hi Chickie!

How bout starting now, here!  I've seen that dry humor and we all need to laugh!  I still remember the fun coming in here with you!  You had me laughing so hard one night, I peed in my pants! 

Dont' give up on you!  YOU ARE SPECIAL and we get you here!

Pen

Right on. I can't imagine not hearing from Chickie in that wonderful, humorous voice of hers!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

OK.  Now you got me - I've never heard the voice, but read the words.  If you put a voice to that, that I would hate to think what could have happen to my pants that night!!!! ;D

Pen

You know, the "literary voice." Ahem.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb