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Boundaries

Started by thesecondwife, March 01, 2010, 01:52:01 pm

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thesecondwife

I'll need your help ladies! My M is sweet, but takes constructive criticism hard. Very hard. How can my BF and I set up healthy boundaries with my M and D with out hurting anyone's feelings? I have been extremely stressed out lately. :( My M and BF kind of butted heads this weekend and I don't like being in the middle.

jkm426

I HATE that word as though MIL's are puppies who need to be trained.  If you have an open relationship, why not just say whatever you need...."Call a little later on Saturday...Have other plans this weekend....I hadn't thought about doing it that way(and then do what you want)  that is great advice, I'll consider it(and do what you think is right)...Thanks for the offer, but we have it covered...it was sweet of you to offer.
Life doesn't have to be a battle of wills.   

Pen

I agree with JKM...speak with love in your heart, like you would any other person in your life. Be considerate! Remember, we moms put our lives, our hearts and our souls into raising our kids and keeping a home while working other jobs in most cases nowadays. To suddenly be "out" can be devastating! Be kind...
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

agreed...just be nice. 

luise.volta

One way not to be caught in the middle is to be careful not to get inot "he said/she said"...just say tell him/her that, not me" and bow out.

I also help me to remember that others are responsible for their own reactions. It's the "what you think of me is none of my business" thing.

Good for you for tring to work on this stuff.  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

My brain's fried.  Come back later

2chickiebaby

Miss Cocobars...you get your little self back here....we need you!!!  Miss you so much when you're gone!! :)

luise.volta

Hey mercy, C/B...it was her first day on a new job. My remembrance of that is that at the time I wanted to look the smartest, I was, due to circumstances beyond my control, the dumbest. I would come home on the first day and say to myself...congrats, Luise...you now know where the bathroom is! No wonder I worked for myself most of the time. At least all of that was self-contained!  ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

Quote[why not just say whatever you need...."Call a little later on Saturday...Have other plans this weekend....I hadn't thought about doing it that way (and then do what you want)  that is great advice, I'll consider it (and do what you think is right)...Thanks for the offer, but we have it covered...it was sweet of you to offer.


Great advice.  Direct and polite should do.  No need to criticize what she did in the past, just state what you'd like in the future.

And keep on stating it, if/as necessary. 

2chickiebaby

I know she's tired....we need to give her a few minutes....

I'm counting...... 8)

2chickiebaby

Before any of this happened to me, I was watching Larry King on TV.  That darling Carol Channing who was the original Broadway star in Hello Dolly was the guest.

Larry asked her about her only son (grown)

She said she no longer saw him and Larry asked her why?  She told him his wife didn't like her and it was either her way or the highway.

Larry said, "Carol, who couldn't like you?" 

She said, "his wife doesn't"

He told her not to let this go on!!  And she just said she had been trying for years with his wife.  Her son is her only child and this was terribly hard for her but she had to go on.

I was stunned!! Somebody didn't like that little darling?  I couldn't believe it.  I guess people are different in real life, for sure but this took her by surprise.  I never forgot it.  This happens to famous people too. 

luise.volta

I wonder if someone sets out to not like another person whether it matters who or how they are? What an awful thought!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

renny97

Chickie, Isn't it interesting how we remember things like that on TV? It is like the first sign we are not alone. Like, the almost psychic prediction as son and me watched that movie about young girl that lies about abuse to snag her b/f through emotional blackmail and gain his sympathy. Son, believed she was telling the truth.

I think, Angelina Joliet' and her father were estranged, too.


Pen

I agree with Luise - in a lot of our situations it seems DIL/MIL wouldn't like us no matter who we were or what we did. So we might as well be ourselves and let it play out how it will. I'm tired of trying to be someone my DIL might like when she's not going to accept me anyway. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Boy, I sound brave, don't I? Whistling in the dark? I thought if I tried harder to be acceptable I'd get to see DS more often. As the notorious Dr. Phil says, "How's that workin' for ya?" Not so well, doctor.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

I agree Penstamen!  It's hard trying to be someone you're not just to please someone else.  I think I'll just be me!  I do that better anyway!

Thanks for the thought! :D

Sending you magic crystals...