Dealing with a Narcissistic DIL's/MIL's

[luise.volta]

Yuck!! 

[cremebrulee]

Yuck!! 

yes, double yuck!  Can't imagine, can you?  How utterly foolish some people act?  Just goes beyond my concept....

[cremebrulee]

Good Morning Anna
I hope he is ok today to!  Hugs, Creme

[Freeasabird]

Hi cremebrule well i was at first scared she was forty and i was 16 when we first met.  I found she control her son and he was under her thumb. I spoke to another ex of my hubbie and she had the same experience. She ended up losing her  daughter into her claws. Funily enough she has tried to turn a son against me. She is a bitter clever woman. She turned my ex against his father. Maybe she had reason but i remember her face full of have when she spoke of him. My ex said he would never contact his dad again. I tried to get him to resolve or at least meet him. He never did. Now  did not know the man but seems you would not want your son to suffer even if you hated the father. I dont Like my ex but i was glad if he showed interest in his kids. Why is it women against women. She had so much she could have taught me actually if only she had let in the bitter and control side.  She was quite the narcisstic matriach.

[Freeasabird]

Hi cremebrule well i was at first scared she was forty and i was 16 when we first met.  I found she control her son and he was under her thumb. I spoke to another ex of my hubbie and she had the same experience. She ended up losing her  daughter into her claws. Funily enough she has tried to turn a son against me. She is a bitter clever woman. She turned my ex against his father. Maybe she had reason but i remember her face full of have when she spoke of him. My ex said he would never contact his dad again. I tried to get him to resolve or at least meet him. He never did. Now  did not know the man but seems you would not want your son to suffer even if you hated the father. I dont Like my ex but i was glad if he showed interest in his kids. Why is it women against women. She had so much she could have taught me actually if only she had let in the bitter and control side.  She was quite the narcisstic matriach.

[cremebrulee]

Hi cremebrule well i was at first scared she was forty and i was 16 when we first met.  I found she control her son and he was under her thumb. I spoke to another ex of my hubbie and she had the same experience. She ended up losing her  daughter into her claws. Funily enough she has tried to turn a son against me. She is a bitter clever woman. She turned my ex against his father. Maybe she had reason but i remember her face full of have when she spoke of him. My ex said he would never contact his dad again. I tried to get him to resolve or at least meet him. He never did. Now  did not know the man but seems you would not want your son to suffer even if you hated the father. I dont Like my ex but i was glad if he showed interest in his kids. Why is it women against women. She had so much she could have taught me actually if only she had let in the bitter and control side.  She was quite the narcisstic matriach.

Hello Freeasabird,
in regards to your question, why is it women against women....well, my guess is, it's a lack of confidence, a great need to control, and seeing the other woman involved as a huge threat?  However, to turn father against son OMG, how does a Father allow that to happen?  I mean, how utterly sad!  The bad karma that this woman is spewing, I'm afraid will come back to haunt her doubly...we get back what we dish out...

Don't fret to much...about the loss of her company...yes, she could have taught you a lot, but you also could have taught her a lot...and perhaps your a threat to her, b/c she fears you knowing more then her?  Yanno, some people who do not have a college degree greatly fear others who do...did you know that?  I don't know if that is your situation, however, there is definately something about you she does fear. 

Chin up and go forth and live, do not allow this woman to bring you down or stagnate your growth and life's path...it is very important, you remember that...yes, we all want to be liked and get along, however, sometimes, some people will not allow that.....so, go forth without her and be successful! 

hugs
Creme

[Freeasabird]

Oh thanks cremebrule i know i was not the perfect daughter in law but she used to accuse me of terrible things. My ex told me she made one me his previous girlfriends have an abortion. Lookin back he was so control by her but she would never allow him to make a life his own.  One me my poor not talking to me currently and i just know mil has something to do with it.  Still i have given up playing their games. It only makes me ill. Gonna look after me years of raising kids and now my youngest two eleven and ten. So i gotta do this alone but alone is starting to feel good. I can choose my friends and do what i please. Why on earth did it take so long?

[cremebrulee]

Freeasabird
Why on earth did it take so long?

I keep asking myself the same question, I've been alone for 14 years. Alone, but not lonely at all..when I loved, I loved deeply and fidelity was very important to me...however, I excused so many major flaws...just to be married...I'm 61, therefore, I came from the older generation that believed, you had to be married to be successful...remembering after leaving, how awful it was...however, the longer alone, the more realization came to me, kept asking myself this question..."is being married at all costs worth it?"  His mother kept telling me, "he's just like his father and she'd laugh" well, it wasn't good enough for me.  The old Italian belief was, that the husband ran around, however, he never left his wife, he treated her like gold as far as giving her material items...but the woman just accepted it as if it were ok to do that?  He was raised to believe it was ok?  I couldn't handle it...so I left...my life is much better...much better...however, I oft times wonder what it would be like to have had a man with the same moral beliefs...we dont' seem to realize, when we're young, the importance of finding someone who is mentally compatible. 

But yes, the longer your alone, the more you enjoy it....

[luise.volta]

That is so comforting to me, even though from a very different perspective. Val is second generation Italian and hasn't got an immoral cell is his body; a genetic anomaly?

At 83, I have to say that most of my generation didn't have much of a self-image. We were half of something at best. There was no completion without a husband. When I put Val in nursing, I so feared rattling around alone in this tiny apartment but I find it comforting and supportive. I may have left my generation behind and found wholeness. What a concept!

[cremebrulee]

That is so comforting to me, even though from a very different perspective. Val is second generation Italian and hasn't got an immoral cell is his body; a genetic anomaly?

At 83, I have to say that most of my generation didn't have much of a self-image. We were half of something at best. There was no completion without a husband. When I put Val in nursing, I so feared rattling around alone in this tiny apartment but I find it comforting and supportive. I may have left my generation behind and found wholeness. What a concept!

It happens....when we women marry, we tend to give up a part of ourselves...not a bad thing, however, when left alone there is something miraculous in finding oneself whole again...not that marriage is a bad thing, it's not...but, the aloneness is what I so love.

it's tough financially, but I don't think I'd ever jeprodize what I've found now, to be with someone again...hard to explain, but somehow, I believe you understand....

Hugs
Creme

[luise.volta]

Yes, I do understand. There is a peacefulness...

[Pen]

When DS went to college, I finally got my office! It's not quite like having a whole living area to myself, but it's great to have a place that's mine. We need to feel centered within ourselves, and it's hard when we don't have our own space. Every married woman friend I know longs for her own casita The DHs don't understand 

[luise.volta]

Oh, I know the feeling!

[Freeasabird]

Cremebrule you imitated post describes my  adopted daughter to a t i believe we all have some Narcisstic qualities its part of being human but the mind me some gets warped and it becomes absolutely the most important in these people to control absolutely no one else is allowed to be independent i cant prove to others what my d is doing i can only pray she does not hurt others and me and in the long run i hope she does not  get mental break down

[cremebrulee]

I thought about some of your posts, and went a little deeper in my thoughts on this, especailly having my own experiences with DIL....which I'd like to share....not saying any of what I'm going to write applies to any of you, but it did for me....and it was very hard to admit....

I know it takes two in some cases to make a go of it, or not....and I know we were both wrong, however, I cannot speak for my DIL, but for me, when things started to happen....because I saw the things she did, as an attack against me personally, my mind went to deeper places....in other words, yes, we are all narcissistic in many different ways and levels....that is so true...if you meet a stranger on the street, the best way to spark up conversation is to ask people about themselves... , it's true...I knew a man who was a salesman and told me, that people will tell you anything....

Well, anyway, getting back to my story, when things started happening, we didn't sit down and share conversation with each other about it...and it escalated...everything my DIL did, I thought was against me, b/c she hated me....of course I was devestated...very angry and hurt, b/c I felt rejection.  Every human being wants to be liked....I know there are people on the job who don't like me, it's human nature, however, they don't act out, we are respectful of each other b/c we have to work together...however, I have seen some women get really ugly with each other, and have seen women literally cry b/c of mean-ness on the job....but I've been fortunate and do not have that problem. 

I kept wondering why can't my DIL and I just get along...of course there were many other thoughts and questions, like "What happened to start this?  Why is this happening, what did I( do, why does she hate me so, all I ever wanted was my son to marry and be happy...and to have a daughter..."  Well, first off, my daughter in law, didn't know me from Adam, and here I am out of admiration and love, accepted her immediately...but she was shy, very shy, and overwhelmed by a lot of people....especially strangers....before they were married we both got along really well....really well, things were going great.

It was that first visit to they're home...and a series of events that happened...which really started things.  It was all misperceptions on both of our parts...and as women are, we becaue hurt, then angry...and from that point on, it escalated....every single time we got together.  It built up and built up and I was shocked to find out, that when we sat down and discussed it and I shared some of her offensive actions with her that hurt me, she was just as shocked as I was....and even said, she was going to have to change some things ,/c she didn't want people to think that....isn't it funny, how we all misperceive things to be sometimes the complete opposite of what is really happening.

You take 3 witnesses at the scene of an accident....you get 3 different stories and views of what happened...and the longer time goes by, you go back and talk to those 3 people again, and it even gets more distorted....

That is what happened to me...the longer time went by, my mind escalated the situation..and imagined that well, maybe she's doing this, b/c she wants to drive a wedge between us...and she hates me....and I was so wrong...she wanted the same thing I wanted, to be friends, and we were both so afraid of each other...afraid to be around each other....and everytime a situation happened, it got worse, b/c our minds perceived those actions to be something they were not. 

Some of you might call it wrong, or perhaps look at me like I'm not secure....however, I'm 61 years old...I've seen some really rotten times...not as bad as some...however, for me, they were real hurtful lesson learners....by my own choices...I am greatful for life and the experiences, both good and bad...for it is from the bad, that we know true joy and can identify with how valuable life is....and sadly, how completely short it is...you never know, what is going to happen the very next minute of your life....I've lost some very dear friends....a mother, and it won't be long until its my time to go home...and in the time I have left, I don't want to waste it, with bad feelings, animosity...etc. 

when your young, with young children, you don't realize how short life is....then all of a sudden your son graduates....I remember one of the girls at work starting, when she was pregnant, and in a blink of an eye, her daughter is 8 years old and playing piano at her recital....where does that time go, and I'm dead serious, it's like a flash...

so, what I'm trying to say, is, and this doesn't work for everyone, but for me, it was more important to mend our differences then to carry on this ridiculous and childish war between us...I kept thinking how utterly stupid this all was....and how little all these situations were, and there had to be answers....so, I submitted to ownership, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to do that....I kept saying, "I didn't do anything" and really believed with my heart and soul that I didn't....however, she perceived the things I said and did as something...something that hurt her, offended her or made her think I hated her...and I didn't.  What both of us failed to realize, that we were just being ourselves....and not one time had either of us done anything to hurt the other....

So, my point is, as women and mothers, we are take charge people....we roll up our sleeves, get in there and get the job done....no one has to advise us, or stand over us, showing us how to do it....if our kids throw up, we get in there and clean it up...why, b/c it has to be done.  How many times, have some of us older women sat back and watched the younger girls, juggle a full time job, housework, shopping, cleaning, washing and running kids here and there, and wonder to ourselves, "How did we do it?"  But we did, and did a pretty good job of it.  And in doing so, for so many years, we build a stronger level of confidence and assurance within ourselves, and our husbands allow us to control many situations...b/c they had mothers who basically took care of they're every whim....and were taught that a woman's job was the housework and kids, they're jobs were going to work, coming home to they're dinners on the table, and mowing the lawn.  It's much different in todays world, now both realize, marriage is a shared union...no one has a specific job, which I like....I'm not knocking it...

So, what I'm trying to say is, we are all controlling and narcissisitic in our own ways, yes, of course...we are....which might not intimidate some, yet intimidate others...

of course there are some people who are worse then others, who do not recognize the need for compromise and it has to be there way all the time or the highway....they are not aware of the fact that other people are different, with different ideas, beliefs, ways of doing things...and would probably see my habits and way of doing things as very weird.

There are some people who think I'm really weird for getting up so early in the morning, however I've done it all my life, for very good reasons, and I love the early morning, it's so quiet and peaceful...no one is up yet, and there I am, evaporating all this peace and quiet, with a cup of coffee...before I get ready for work...

So, am I narcissistic, yes, to a degree, probably more then others, and not as much as some....however, I think it has a lot to do, with how we perceive others, am I able to be aware of the fact, that that person is who they are, does it make them a bad person, b/c they dont' think and feel like I do?  No?  They're thoughts and beliefs, make them very significant human beings, and is they're identity...which makes up a family, a community, a world...they are a bit different....which keeps life interesting and in the short time I have in this world, I'm really going to try hard, to understand, that peace and love, is more important then being right....and overlook faults....heck, many people in my life time have overlooked mine, and I've got some real duzzies...so, it's time for me, to listen up and get jiggy with it, and forget about judging and just love people...for who they are...and not be angry b/c they disagree with me, that is they're perogative, they mean no insult to me....they just simply have different thoughts and ways of doing things....who am I to say, they're odd, or wrong....? 

So, those were my thoughts this morning on the way to work....just thoughts and self examination....knowing, I've still got much work on myself to do...Lordie, I'm a mess....LOL...and I really need to remember, every single person that I've met in my life, have been very special and instrumental in showing me what I should or shouldn't do....I've been so fortunate, so lucky to have had the friends and family...and life is way to short not to realize, love opens so many doors and is so much healthier....

yes, indeed, we all in our own ways are narcissistic....