Dealing with a Narcissistic DIL's/MIL's

[cremebrulee]

She strongly disapproves of others' personal autonomy and independence. Even innocuous activities, such as meeting a friend or visiting one's family require her permission. Gradually, she isolates his nearest and dearest until they are fully dependent on her emotionally, sexually, financially, and socially.

The narcissist's sense of self, which has not progressed past that of a very young child, they cannot deal with the reality of a mirror being held up before them. Unlike the alcoholic who may in due course "see the light", a narcissist simply does not have the emotional skills to step outside of themselves and glimpse the truth in the mirror. The essence of NPD is that the sufferer lives in a bubble that can only accommodate themselves. Self-reflection is definitely not in the narcissist's bag of skills and expecting them to be capable of doing so can court disaster.

Be prepared for rage and aggression to be aimed at you. Be prepared to not be heard.. Be prepared to have everything that you claim about them, to be reassigned to you. When and if you are strong enough to cope with this treatment, then you may decide to go ahead. If you are hoping for recognition and a change for the better, more pain is in store.

The sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not realize that other people are separate entities, with their own needs, lives and wants. Narcissists treat people as if they only exist to serve the narcissist's needs, and they have little regard for those who do not pay court to their wishes. In fact, they often develop an active dislike for those they cannot control and manipulate. Even those who will do their bidding can fall out of favor in a heartbeat should they stand up to the narcissist and say "no."

Narcissists don't really "see" anyone else, only their potential use as an object to carry out their wishes. This is why children of narcissists often feel as though they are "invisible" and worthless." Of course, they are neither invisible nor worthless, but the narcissistic parent has transferred that feeling onto them. In fact, it is the narcissist themselves who has a deep sense of worthlessness.

To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, five or more of the following characteristics must be present:

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance, with little actual achievements.

2. Fantasizes about unlimited power, success, intelligence, and beauty.

3. Believes that s/he is "special" and attempts to associate only with those who the sufferer perceives are "like" them or will "appreciate" their talent.

4. Needs excessive admiration.

5. Expects especially favorable treatment by others or automatic agreement by others.

6. Exploits other people for their own advancement.

7. Cannot empathize with others.

8. Is envious of others but also believes others are envious of them.

9. Exhibits arrogant behaviors.

Some researchers believe that this disorder has its roots in the failure of the parent to act as empathic "mirrors" during infancy. As a result, the child remains "stuck", in an emotional sense, at a very early stage of development, and never learns that others not only exist, and have real feelings and needs of their own. By the time a normal child has entered kindergarten, he or she has developed a sense of "other" and can respond to some extent to the needs of their peer group. For the narcissist, this stage does not seem to have been successfully achieved, and the now-grown adult has the empathic capacity of a very young infant.

Researchers with a more sociological slant take the view that the occurrence of narcissism is on the increase in Western society due to the emphasis on individualism, instant pleasure, and personal success. The uprise of the so-called "me-generation" is believed to have been responsible for breeding a whole new generation of narcissists. Interestingly, family research also suggests that it is possible that there is a genetic component to this disorder, which has been successfully traced through successive generations in some families.

I've read many articles concerning NPD, and from what I understand, NPD establishes itself within the host, during infancy or the toddler stages of life.  The child probably had a very dysfuncational parent or parents...and learned to turn they're feelings off to prevent hurt...so they set they're hooks into our sons...it is probably the very first time in they're lives they've been loved...therefore, they become extremely territorial...anyone who poses a threat to that attention they so need, is going to literally be pushed out of they're lives....

this is abnormal...as a person who understands love, would not do this to anyone....

[luise.volta]

Reminds me of some MILs I have known...

[cremebrulee]

Reminds me of some MILs I have known...

Opps, yes indeed, there are most certainly some MIL's out there like this..my apologies to our acting DIL members...

[Orly]

I dunno... I think you covered the MIL aspect too in the title Creme.   At least, I take that DIL/MIL as pertaining to either or....not just  the one.

[cremebrulee]

I dunno... I think you covered the MIL aspect too in the title Creme.   At least, I take that DIL/MIL as pertaining to either or....not just  the one.

Hi Orly, good to see you....have missed you...actually, I went in and changed it...originally, I only had DIL's....and I didn't want to offend our many wise DIL's on this site....not to mention, there are a lot of people out there in general with NPD....
including my dog....lol

Hows the pup? 

[luise.volta]

C - That's really true. I'm working with several moms who are looking back and seeing some of that profile in their sons...and wondering if their sons got an over-active sense of entitlement by being spoiled. It's probably an entirely different thing but the results are sure similar.

[2chickiebaby]

Yes, Luise, and the results are the same.  It is my greatest heartbreak.  I don't know if I can get through this.  I know it was terribly hard for him to move past us but he has. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  Ever.

[luise.volta]

I think I spoiled my eldest son and didn't do enough for my youngest. What a trick tight-rope to walk.

[2chickiebaby]

I spoiled my youngest son and didn't spoil the first one.  It's always something, isn't it?

[cremebrulee]

I don't believe I spoiled my son, at times, I fear I was to strict...but I didn't want him to get into trouble with drugs or otherwise...I do happen to know, that his father used to ask him, "What would your mother think if she knew about this?"....so I was they're trump card, which I didn't like so much...but before he married, he told me he was very happy that I was strict...?  So I don't know...I just know, my son, is no longer the person I knew....and I feel bad that some how, I failed, that he would marry a woman like this...so emotionally dysfunctional...and that he would allow her to cut us out of they're lives?

[luise.volta]

C - We do our best. Our kids come equipped with DNA and programs of their own. We help shape them but they come in all shapes and sizes...emotionally, mentally, physically and some believe, spiritually. Just visit a preschool or day-care center. They have a lot inherent individuality.

We support and direct but what we contribute is only part of the picture. If they make choices that seem self-destructive and baffle us...those are their choices. We didn't necessarily plant the seeds and we don't necessarily need to accept the blame. My son once wisely asked me if I felt I could take credit for his successes...to which I immediately had to say, "No, of course not." Then he hit me with the bottom line, "Then you aren't to blame for my failures, Mom...I am."

[cremebrulee]

Thanks Luise for your support...I know your right in one way, but I also know, that if I hadn't allowed my son, to go live with his father full time, during his most formative years...he would have never even dated this girl...what he did, was sit and watch his step mother bully everyone, she also needs always to have center stage, she is very loud and demanding, and very evil...my son married his step mother...he deems this normal behavior...I never stopped to think about that...

When he told me about it, I was so upset...didn't want to let him go, but knew I had to...knew he needed to know his father and have the opportunity that I had with him...it was the thing to do...however, I made a huge, huge mistake...b/c at that point in time, it never occured to me, that he would deem his step mother's behavior normal....

she to this day is a very evil woman....my son, married his stepmother...in and out, they are both very manipulative and very mean spirited...they must have they're ways...it must be they're way...and they are both huge control freaks....

Get this...when my son and his now wife, were getting married, his step mother was going to walk down the isle with him as his mother...and my DIL really lost it, and said, "oh no, OH no...and said, she is his step mother, his mother is back there!"  So, I will never forget her doing that for me....what happened after that, I will never know...meaning, between DIL and me....

I never realized, my son, would deem his step mother's behavior normal...and his father is just like him, very passive, easy going and hates confrontation and arguing....

so my son, only spent weekends with me after that, and I was no longer an influence on him, his step mother was.  His step mother also apologized to him for how she treated him when he was little and said, she would never do it again...I couldn't have any other children...they had a family...2 other boys and a girl...my son, wanted that family...and I can't blame him...plus his father was very wealthy, gave my son a car, a horse...etc....and now, he married a woman who hates me and gravitates him towards his step mother and father...why, b/c they're is a huge amount of money there...my DIL left no stone unturned telling me, she knows where my son's step mother is coming from...yet, she used her to hurt me?

sorry for the rant....

Creme

[luise.volta]

A lot of painful insight there. And your son also had another role model. His choice, dear one. And so often, as we all know...we make choices that aren't wise and we live to regret it. Or more commonly, live to blame somebody else for it!   

[Freeasabird]

Yes Luis that choice is always there but it is painful when someone dear is manipulated away. My ex mil was very sad bitter woman she controled her poor and daughter anyone coming in to family had to toe her line. I was only sixteen when we first met so she was very domineering. Looking back i see so much sadness she caused i hope i learned from all that. She was a clever narcisstic person. She once asked me how much my father said my mother. And one time she spat at me. I was probably not perfect but she was a difficult woman.

[cremebrulee]

Yes Luis that choice is always there but it is painful when someone dear is manipulated away. My ex mil was very sad bitter woman she controled her poor and daughter anyone coming in to family had to toe her line. I was only sixteen when we first met so she was very domineering. Looking back i see so much sadness she caused i hope i learned from all that. She was a clever narcisstic person. She once asked me how much my father said my mother. And one time she spat at me. I was probably not perfect but she was a difficult woman.

She spit at you?  I bet you feared her a great deal?