I did not say this

[Marilyn]

You can count me in for prayers too.

For Luise,and guest1.

[cocobars]

 

Thanks!  Mominwaiting!  Your magic wand is on order!

Oh!  I did say this!

[renny97]

How about starting a "Prayer" post? Maybe titled, "Prayer Corner." I feel Chicki should start the post, being her idea. In addition to our personal troubles, life throws us another "ringer." And, we could use some extra hugs and support.

We could request support and prayers for something extra "heavy" going on in our lives.

[2chickiebaby]

Great idea, Renny!!

[Barbie]

Coco, I miss my father very much. You don't stop loving them but in time, you learn to live without them. You take it one day at a time. I'm ok now, for the most part, because I was there for him until the end, he was always giving me advice, he told me many times that life is too short and to make the best of it, to go on and be happy because my day would come too someday, to let my son go, that I had done a good job raising him and to be thankful that he's so independent and can make it on his own, and so many other things. I'm trying to do as he told me, it hasn't been easy, my faith in God has helped me tremendously and this forum has also been very helpful, it gave me the extra push that I so desperately needed to deal with DS and DIL's problems.

[cocobars]

Your father loved you and gave you good advice because he cared so much!  If you can remember conversations (not that you will forget them), think back on those when you have hard days, and come here (like you do).  His advice is still there in your heart whenever you need it.  You may not be able to feel his hugs, but I believe those are all around you too!  It's just my opinion!

Your son is doing fine and I believe your father was being honest with you.  I hope your days even out and I know you miss him dearly.  I can understand that.  I've been looking at my parent's passing because of their age and conditions.  I worry about that time, and I appreciate you telling me how things are with you!  I don't know when I will be where you are.  You are ahead of me in this and have alot of wisdom to pass on to me...

[2chickiebaby]

Guest1...I know how blessed you know you are by having a father who loved you. That is wonderful and you stayed with him.  Good for you, sweet daughter.

[Hope]

Coco, I miss my father very much. You don't stop loving them but in time, you learn to live without them. You take it one day at a time. I'm ok now, for the most part, because I was there for him until the end, he was always giving me advice, he told me many times that life is too short and to make the best of it, to go on and be happy because my day would come too someday, to let my son go, that I had done a good job raising him and to be thankful that he's so independent and can make it on his own, and so many other things. I'm trying to do as he told me, it hasn't been easy, my faith in God has helped me tremendously and this forum has also been very helpful, it gave me the extra push that I so desperately needed to deal with DS and DIL's problems.

Guest1, you were richly blessed to have had such a good father - with wise advise!  I've lost both my parents, but I can say to anyone dealing with their parents' caregiving - you will always have the memory of knowing you were there for them.  It will comfort you in your loss to know that you were so good to them while they were still with you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, Guest1 and Luise.  Also my hugs.......

[Hope]

IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments

I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please.

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN

Well put, Catchingup.  I wish I had your independence and strength.  I really do.  Even though you were gone while your ds/dil were at work while you were visiting, what else were you suppose to do?  Sit in their home and twiddle your thumbs waiting for them to return?  The time you were visiting was your holiday and I'm so happy to know that you made good use of your days.  I would have been hurt much worse than you expressed on your post if I was visiting my ds/dil and their weekend plans excluded me.  It would be like salt in the wound knowing that they spent so much time on holiday with dil's family yet couldn't find time to spend with you after you traveled so far to be with them.  It's not like you see them all the time.  You are so strong!
The fact that my ds/dil do not answer my calls, messages, or initiate contact makes me feel like a nobody in their eyes.  I love your quote, "It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."  Life is too short for this nonsense.  I am just going to enjoy what part of them I have and go on with my life.  Be strong, be independent, don't rely on their relationship for my happiness, don't expect anything and then I won't be hurt.  How did you get so independent?  I want to be more like you.  Big hug, Hope

[catchingup]

My son and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years.I always found her pleasant enough and thought they were well  suited.
I had a terrible MIL. She was a Sergeant major in the army.I will let you know if I write a book.I vowed I would never interfere but tension arose between me and my sons future in-laws--I sensed it but brushed it aside.
My son confronted his girlfriend as he sensed it too.
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it

So here I am back on this story  with some added news.

We fetched my son from the airport today. He is here for the world cup.
Ofcourse FDIL's parents were there to meet them too.

Goodness what a reception I got. Never known FID's mother to be so friendly and make such an efford to greet me and a hug from FDIIL's Father.

What did I do. Snubbed them as much as I could. What a butch I am. Still cant get over their accussations.

DS says I must put the past behind me. I will try.

[Pen]

It's good to hear from you, Catchingup. It sounds as if you're on an emotional roller coaster, but I hope you can relax and enjoy your son's visit and the world cup (we've been riveted to the TV and wish we could be there.) Take the high road with the FILs; let it go. If you act like a b*tch it may feel great in the moment but the long-term result will be negative. The important thing is to maintain a relationship with your DS. Take care.

[stilltrying2010]

Cathingup wrote:
What did I do. Snubbed them as much as I could. What a butch I am. Still cant get over their accussations.

I think this is normal.  I am a DIL on the opposite side of hte coin so to speak but I sometimes will think I have everything "incheck" an d then I see them and BAM! its like its happening all over again. Or worse, they are pretending that it never happened and you end up having your feelings hurt (again).

What I do is start over the next time I see them, depending on what has transpired... I always have wanted to bring up the "accusation" but worry that it will make matters worse.  I once had the opportunity to call someone on something - and I let it go out of fear.  I regret it because now everything is colored by that comment.  Now months have gone by  - I am still hurting, they have no idea to the extent and it's too late (or at least way more awkward than it would have been if I called them on it on the spot.
 

Best wishes.

[catchingup]

This son of mine is such a sensitive guy.
When he arrived home he had a few visits from friends and then popped out with one of them
to fetch his friends car.
I was standing in the kitchen when he returned and he walked towards me and threw his arms around me and just cried saying"Mom it is so good to be home"

The parents of South African children want to pack them off to other countries as they feel there is no opportunity in the country for white children. It is not entirely true if they have degrees but we do have BEE here which means black empowerment. Every employee has to have a certain quota of black staff.

Believe me I have nothing against this but whites are outnumbered by (I think) 5 or 6 to 1.
There is definately a certain reversal of  "Apartheid" in the country but most whites are very happy to see the growth in the black people and the changes that have taken place.

Most have hope mixed with apprehension. Apartheid was a disgusting situation that should never have happened. Hitler will never be forgotten nor will apartheid.

Now getting back to this topic "I did not say this"  As youngsters "Apartheid" was just a way of life.
Blacks were our servants and perhaps some of you remember the rhyme
Eenie meenie minny mo
Catch a tiger by his toe

Well in South Africa as children it meant nothing to sing a differant version of this

"Catch a nigger by his toe" We are not allowed to use the word in South Africa along with other words like "Kaffir" "Native" etc,

So off we go to a soccer match on Monday (Loved those 7 goals Portugal scored)
and I went down to fetch something to drink
This young respectable black man was standing behind this box with all the differant flavours of
cooldrinks displayed so I playfully said while  totally forgetting the content of the rhyme
Eenie meenie  minny mo,
Catch a nigger ...Oh dear what have I said..I am so sorry.

"I did say this" Terrible.I feel like a total embarrassment to myself.

Nevertheless,I am very sceptical about FDIL. She is nice then uppish..mood swinger. One never knows from 1 minute to the next where one is with her and I am totally convinced that when these two get married it is going to get worse.

I can tell by the experiances other women have had and am  glad I have read them because at least I am prepared for it.

I am totally convinced that the more I detach myself from her and her family the less I will have to deal with.
I have to throw myself totally into my own interests so that I am so self satisfied and self assured that anything she says or does goes in the one ear and out the other.
The best is to never critisize her to my son because he is the one who ends up in the middle getting hurt.

My conclusion is "She is simply self centered but one day she will come down with a bump."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

He was feeling awful with a dose of flu started on Saturday night and she insisted they keep an arrangement to visit friends on Sunday evening. It is winter here and cold.
Tonight he is sleeping over at her parents place as they had a family get together to which we were not invited because I told my son I will not socialize with them.

I hope they sleep in the same bed and she catches his flu. :)My guess is she will put her selfish self to bed.

TADADA Some people bring the worst out in us. I love my dog
I would love to hear in the exact words what your thoughts were when you read the second  last paragraph i.e. nasty,smiley, here here--Whatever. I dont get offended easily I am conditioned.

[MagicGram]

I have nothing to add that everyone else hasn't already pointed out, I just wanted to say that I think you are a very interesting and strong person.  You have a good head on your shoulders and a sensible loving heart.  I bet eventually you son and DIL will appreciate you.  And in the meantime you seem to appreciate yourself.  That's wonderful.

[Alicev]

It looks to me this is a case of "lost in translation". Someone misunderstood your words and they reacted to it. Then your DIL reacted, then your son reacted and then you reacted. And suddenly everyone reacted to everyone. It happens a lot. To be accused of something you did not do, certainly makes you feel angry and hurt indeed. Going around the block (her aunt not confronting you from the very beginning and sorting this out) probably did not help either. 

I think 9 years is a long time. Whatever happened recently does not have to mean that all is ruined forever.
Any relationship involves risk and there are times when people get hurt. Everybody does from time to time.

Distancing yourself is a good idea for a while - to let emotions cool off and try to see things from different perspectives. (it does help no matter how resistant one might feel about the idea at first). But being alone can soon turn into loneliness.

You wrote that you had told them you wouldn't socialize with them and that they did not invite you guys over. Did you really mean it, in a sense that, is that what you really want in your heart?

You DIL might be self centered at times. And I certainly agree that her remark about the food was uncalled for. I  can understand the word sh*t to mean "stuff" in a friendly, joking context. But in a context of tension and unresolved feelings between people, it comes across as unnecessary and impolite. At any rate, whether she will come down with a bump  or won't is out of anyone else's control but herself. It is not your or anyone else's job to "fix" her.

The best is to never critisize her to my son because he is the one who ends up in the middle getting hurt.


That is a good idea keeping in mind your relationship with your son in a longer run. It shows you respect his choices (and his ability to make choices) no matter how much you might dislike them. Plus that you trust you son to take responsibility for his own life.

Having said that, your DIL sending an apology and her parents treating you in a friendly and welcoming manner at the airport does show that they are willing to extend their hands and put the incident behind them. Snubbing them might make you feel good momentarily but not in a longer run. It won't help you feel good about yourself in the end.

My experience has shown me that all you can do is your part and this too shall come to pass. I really hope that things will work out for you guys and that in time everyone can look back to it without resentment and move on in a more loving and compassionate ways towards one another. It takes great courage to decide to continue to give your best despite hurt and disappointment we occasionally get.