March 28, 2024, 02:11:39 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I did not say this

Started by catchingup, February 28, 2010, 02:47:41 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Sassy

March 02, 2010, 11:02:45 PM #15 Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 11:08:26 PM by Sassy
QuoteOne week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??

If I may offer a possible explanation for the Windsor Castle story, since I noticed FDIL did not participate in this exchange.

DS asked if you would like to join the two of them at Windsor Castle.  Is it possible when DS heard the reply with an explanation of how you already made other plans and would cancel them for his, that he could have heard this as you were not very excited, or were perhaps even feeling inconvenienced or disappointed to have to cancel other plans?   Perhaps you were thrilled at the offer, but wanted to hide your gratitude a bit, so as not to appear too eager.  Alas, sometimes gentle demurring can be misinterpreted as true disinterest.   

For DS to later add that his GF had said that to him privately (she did not in front of you) only after he's already invited you to join them, would be rather erroneous of him.  Why would DS have invited you to join them to begin with, if what GF may or may not have actually said to him (we don't know since no one spoke of such a comment except DS) was a factor.  If DS felt a bit rejected, or if DS felt you would appreciate a graceful out so you would not be forced to cancel your prior plans, such an after-the-fact comment might make sense.   

catchingup

Personally I think this matter goes deeper than "What I said"

My son qualified and was planning to go to England to work.
The two of them were together at the time and she had another year at varsity.
He naturally put his trip on hold for a year so that they could go together.

He was ironing a shirt one night and said to me "If I was single I would be in England tomorrow" This was half way through the year . I jokingly said "Oh I did not know you were married" "oh Mom you know what I mean" was his response.

I would never have advised him to do anything other than wait for her to finish her studies because my first thought would have been that she would be able to concentrate on her studies knowing he was still here.

This was before all these accusations came from her family. I found his remark funny and after he had left I picked up the phone and jokingly shared it with her mom.

She took it up twisted it to look like I was saying her daughter was preventing my son from going to England. My son knows and believes I was joking  and has told them so.Petty--obviously I cant be friendly.

Amazingly I always thought they were a down to earth family. I must say I get on well with her Father and Uncle. Maybe I am just not a girls girl.

When this "Are these your illegitimate children" accusation came out and I told my son to tell them not to have anything to do with a person who says something like that I think they got a shock to think I had a "Dont care if you reject me" attitude.

His girlfriend did apologize in an email but you see the bad seed that is planted does not get totally uprooted so the next time something is said or she is rude or whatever the whole thing plays out again.

I am a believer but I dont like the word "Religion". I dont preach to people either because I believe the Bible and its instructions (which most would refer to as commandments) was given to us for our own benefit. It was not given for Gods benefit to make our lives a boring religious misery but to show us how to live in harmony with the universe,.

The reason I go into this is because the Lord said if we sow good seeds it bears good fruit but a bad seeds grows like a weed unless it is pulled up by the root.

We are also told if our brother has something against us then we must approach the brother not anyone else. If we cant sort it out then get two or three as witnesses.
If the aunt had approached me and pulled it up at the root it would have been gone with the wind.Now it is a bone of contention.
It was even watered down and excuses made like the aunt said it not us.They belived it--enough for me and worst of all my son must think the son shines out of their backsides to have believed it himself.
Nevertheless, I think he was obviously just very upset and sent that email on the spur of the moment.
Also knows my stance on couples living together before they are married. Another instruction that is to our bebefit but dont get me wrong I have never expressed this to her family. Simple I dont preach.

The Lord gave us a free will so nobody should play God




catchingup

March 02, 2010, 11:27:50 PM #17 Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 11:52:08 PM by catchingup
Quote from: Sassy on March 02, 2010, 11:02:45 PM
QuoteOne week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??

If I may offer a possible explanation for the Windsor Castle story, since I noticed FDIL did not participate in this exchange.

DS asked if you would like to join the two of them at Windsor Castle.  Is it possible when DS heard the reply with an explanation of how you already made other plans and would cancel them for his, that he could have heard this as you were not very excited, or were perhaps even feeling inconvenienced or disappointed to have to cancel other plans?   Perhaps you were thrilled at the offer, but wanted to hide your gratitude a bit, so as not to appear too eager.  Alas, sometimes gentle demurring can be misinterpreted as true disinterest.   

For DS to later add that his GF had said that to him privately (she did not in front of you) only after he's already invited you to join them, would be rather erroneous of him.  Why would DS have invited you to join them to begin with, if what GF may or may not have actually said to him (we don't know since no one spoke of such a comment except DS) was a factor.  If DS felt a bit rejected, or if DS felt you would appreciate a graceful out so you would not be forced to cancel your prior plans, such an after-the-fact comment might make sense.

No! He told her he was going to invite me to go with them and this is when she made the comment.
He asked me after the comment was made,I accepted and then he told me what she had said.
I immediately felt I was intruding so told him to spend the day with her. It did not really matter to me. I didn't even feel hurt. As I say I do not want to intrude,interfere or be a burden to my son in any way or be a bone of contention in any of their marriages.

He insisted I go with them. You see he felt hurt and that is what he was expressing. He wanted to do something with us together because we had not had much opportunity since I had arrived there. I was very busy fulfilling my own itenary.I am in the antique business and I plan my trip round markets,antique shops etc.etc and dont expect my sons or their flussies to join me.

In fact I did go with them to Windsor Castle with much persaution from my son after that comment by her.

I dont want to waste precious time going to Windsor Castle with someone who would prefer to be on her own with my son.

The birdies have been released from my nest. I let them go.
Maybe I am just lucky. As much as we were a happy family with lots of memories I have never suffered from empty nest syndrome.

I am too busy "Catching up" So much so  that I dont have time for petty girlfriends "sh..."

Also remember my son has spent a month travelling with her family etc.etc.
Re your comment about South Africa being exotic. A lot of people  believe we have Elephants and Lions walking in our back garden
I live in Cape Town and we have a mountain in the shape of a table and a concrete jungle surrounding it like any other big city.
Often clouds settle on the mountain and we call it the tablecloth.
We are coastal and have one of the most beautiful cities in the world and are regarded as the Mother city in South Africa but have awful wearther
It is a very windy city in summer and when it blows we wish it would stop and when it gets too hot we wish the wind would blow to cool us down.
Our rainy season is winter. It never really snows but we have snow on the mountains and in one place where the temperature goes to -7
Our winters hardly ever go to minus degrees.

Cape town weather reminds me of FDIL---Moody,unpredicable. :D

catchingup

Quote from: Scoop on March 02, 2010, 06:23:42 PM
Catchingup, I would like to give you a different perspective on the making lunch / visit scenario. 

I realize that you are independent, but I know that *I* wouldn't like it if someone came to visit us and then screwed off for the whole day, especially if I didn't know to expect you for dinner or not.  I'm not saying you're wrong and DIL is right, I'm saying that different people have different expectations, and without communication, then this stuff festers.  Some people would be pleased by a guest who doesn't need to be 'babysat', some would maybe wonder if they were being used as simply a hotel.

Also, if my DH asked me to make a lunch for my MIL, I would be very pissed.  I'm a *planner*, I plan meals, I plan groceries, I plan visits.  So if I had planned for NOT providing lunches, it would fluster me to have to plan a lunch.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but I would immediately think "what does MIL like to eat for lunch" and "we don't have a lunch bag for MIL" and "what do we have to send with her that doesn't need to be re-heated" and "will we have enough lunch-items to last us the week" and "okay, when can I get a chance to run and pick up more lunch-items".  Seriously, I've been thinking about this all day, and it took HOURS for me to realize that I could send your lunch in a large freezer bag.

My ideal scenario would be for the MIL in the scenario to say "DS!  Don't  ask your wife to make me a lunch!  I can make my own lunch, or I can pick something up on my travels."  Just being 'stuck up for' would count for me, and I would probably make you the lunch.  But DH would get an earful later on.  If he wants you to have a lunch, he can freakin' well make it himself.

As for the sh!t comment.  I will admit that I use *sh!t* and *stuff* interchangeably.  "Sh!t" doesn't mean "poop" to me, it means "stuff".  Although I try not to curse in front of my IL's, if I was pissed at my DH, and running through lunch ideas ect, I would probably have snapped too.  But not in anger at YOU, in anger at DH, for treating me like the "little wife".


I must thank all of you for your replies and commevts and hugs and good laughs like this one Sh--- does not  mean "Poop" but "stuff"

I guess I can change and not be a stick in the "Old ladies mud" attitude.

At 60 though I still feel I haven't grown up. I am so adventurous,even more so since my sons left the nest. I feel I want to fly and that my FDIL wants to put the brakes on me. Damm
You are all so special but some of these posts really scare me. I get to think "I hope my FDIL does not get that bad"
It seems to get worse once they marry.
And the next paragraph  If that is what you are sending in my lunch-------I love it

Imagine if you had said (jokingly) "If that's what you're sending in my lunch, I don't want any!"  Even in my outrage at DH's presumptuousness, I would have been sheepish and apologized.

In the end, this looks to me like a communication problem, with some un-met expectations mixed in, on both sides.  I think your best bet would be to talk with your DS about it and see if he can figure out where the landmines are for you and DIL and see if he can help you BOTH negotiate them.

cocobars

Quote from: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 11:17:05 PM
Personally I think this matter goes deeper than "What I said"

My son qualified and was planning to go to England to work.
The two of them were together at the time and she had another year at varsity.
He naturally put his trip on hold for a year so that they could go together.

He was ironing a shirt one night and said to me "If I was single I would be in England tomorrow" This was half way through the year . I jokingly said "Oh I did not know you were married" "oh Mom you know what I mean" was his response.

I would never have advised him to do anything other than wait for her to finish her studies because my first thought would have been that she would be able to concentrate on her studies knowing he was still here.

This was before all these accusations came from her family. I found his remark funny and after he had left I picked up the phone and jokingly shared it with her mom.

She took it up twisted it to look like I was saying her daughter was preventing my son from going to England. My son knows and believes I was joking  and has told them so.Petty--obviously I cant be friendly.

Amazingly I always thought they were a down to earth family. I must say I get on well with her Father and Uncle. Maybe I am just not a girls girl.

When this "Are these your illegitimate children" accusation came out and I told my son to tell them not to have anything to do with a person who says something like that I think they got a shock to think I had a "Dont care if you reject me" attitude.

His girlfriend did apologize in an email but you see the bad seed that is planted does not get totally uprooted so the next time something is said or she is rude or whatever the whole thing plays out again.

I am a believer but I dont like the word "Religion". I dont preach to people either because I believe the Bible and its instructions (which most would refer to as commandments) was given to us for our own benefit. It was not given for Gods benefit to make our lives a boring religious misery but to show us how to live in harmony with the universe,.

The reason I go into this is because the Lord said if we sow good seeds it bears good fruit but a bad seeds grows like a weed unless it is pulled up by the root.

We are also told if our brother has something against us then we must approach the brother not anyone else. If we cant sort it out then get two or three as witnesses.
If the aunt had approached me and pulled it up at the root it would have been gone with the wind.Now it is a bone of contention.
It was even watered down and excuses made like the aunt said it not us.They belived it--enough for me and worst of all my son must think the son shines out of their backsides to have believed it himself.
Nevertheless, I think he was obviously just very upset and sent that email on the spur of the moment.
Also knows my stance on couples living together before they are married. Another instruction that is to our bebefit but dont get me wrong I have never expressed this to her family. Simple I dont preach.

The Lord gave us a free will so nobody should play God
Catchingup!  I miss your posts!  So nice to read through and digest! You are refreshing and imperfect and perfect too!

I hope to see you here more.  I'm happy you're here with us and "YOU" are needed here more than I can say! 

What a wonderful and intricate mind you have!

Pen

I do enjoy your posts, Catchingup. Keep posting!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

catchingup

March 05, 2010, 01:24:48 AM #21 Last Edit: March 05, 2010, 01:26:42 AM by catchingup
 ;)I find this site so easy to use and informative and love hearing from all of you.
I always say a problem shared is a problem halved.

Sometimes we answer our own problems just by sharing them and wise advise from others is so helpful.

It is amazing how the bible gave instructions to the man to "Leave his Father and Mother and cling to his wife"
This advise was not given to the woman because the Lord must have known the Sons side would be the problem.It seems to be that way.

Son-in-laws dont seem to allow emotions to get in the way where in-laws are concerned.They think with their head not their heart (or emotions)

Some of these posts scare me because Daughter-in-laws seem to get worse after they marry our sons.
Besides I talk from experiance. I always thought I would keep quiet until I married her son.
Well it took years after we were married to achieve that but I mean she was "Bad". She ran our lives and as I once said to hubby"It is a wonder she does not tell us what sex technique  to use" Heehee. :D

All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go




cocobars

March 05, 2010, 02:29:49 AM #22 Last Edit: March 05, 2010, 05:17:48 AM by cocobars
Thank you catchingup.  I'm happy you're here, and I really like that advice!  I think you have alot of good ideas for us here and I'm going to try to take you advice more often.  I see that it's not that you don't care, but you let go of the apron strings and let your children fly on their own!  This is a wise woman with so much to offer...

renny97

Quote from: catchingup on March 05, 2010, 01:24:48 AM
All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go

Love that, Catchingup! Brilliant! It seems to be the opposite of what "real" mothers are "supposed" to do! And, yet, that is the EXACT advice my own mother gave me to people that try and take advantage. She told me, "do not always be available for people; let them "think" you have other things to do besides waiting for them!" (even if you are just sitting there and knitting!) In other words, "leave a little mystery." There is something to human nature, we want others to have something going on in their lives besides them! "Hey, where's Grandma?" "Oh, who knows?" lol. "She's off having another adventure!" "She doesn't have time for our nonsense!" Ha!  ;) "She hangs out with wise women somewhere?"  ;) I've heard she is dancing around in her yard--we haven't seen her in awhile....LOL. Full moon???  :D

cocobars

Hanging out with wise women and dancing in the yard!  HAHAHA!

I like it!  :)

catchingup

Quote from: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 06:04:44 AM
Quote from: catchingup on March 05, 2010, 01:24:48 AM
All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go

Love that, Catchingup! Brilliant! It seems to be the opposite of what "real" mothers are "supposed" to do! And, yet, that is the EXACT advice my own mother gave me to people that try and take advantage. She told me, "do not always be available for people; let them "think" you have other things to do besides waiting for them!" (even if you are just sitting there and knitting!) In other words, "leave a little mystery." There is something to human nature, we want others to have something going on in their lives besides them! "Hey, where's Grandma?" "Oh, who knows?" lol. "She's off having another adventure!" "She doesn't have time for our nonsense!" Ha!  ;) "She hangs out with wise women somewhere?"  ;) I've heard she is dancing around in her yard--we haven't seen her in awhile....LOL. Full moon???  :D

"Now" I was saying to myself today"That advise about not alwayys being available,would you tell a lie if you were available"?
"Darn you,you would just feel guilty telling your son such a yarn"

Mothers!!!   I Will have to carry it out and make sure my adventures are a reality then I will not have to lie and go down guilty lane.

" We all have friends or someone who needs a friend. Act!! Go out for supper, go to a movie. We sit back and let life pass us by and here we are free!! free!! free!!.

I have a friend who has plenty of money but she would sooner complain about not seeing enough of the in-laws than go on a trip. If I had her money I would be gone for good.
Money isn't everything but it sure helps.
I have to save like mad to go overseas.

You are probably all asleep when I post here early in our day as you are  8hrs behind us.i.e. if you live in America.

cocobars

Well, I know I'm usually asleep when you post here, and have noticed by my time you are coming through in the middle of the night!  LOL! 

I don't know how the rest of the women feel here, but I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to go on a "holiday" by myself!  But that's me!  I don't mind - actually at times love to be alone.  I wasn't like that before and it has become a learned thing, but once I saw how nice it was, I was hooked!  Now I can do anything alone and not feel lonely!  I used to live on the beach and went out for walks and stuff all of the time, so it seems to be an extension of that for me!

I admire you and your outlook, catchingup!  I've read all of your posts to date and even find myself quoting you at times.  In one of your first posts, you used the name "livered" and it just made me laugh so hard.  I'm still using it!

Take care of you!   :)

renny97

CU:

Nah, it won't be lieing. I've always been resourceful and find things to do. Money, is an issue now, but I like to keep busy.

I would keep my word if there are firm plans, but I do remember a time on Mother's Day I went to take flowers to DIL. I arrived, and was about to get out of my vehicle, and I looked towards back of house (movement); it was DIL looking through the window.

So, I go to porch, ring bell, and wait. She stood me up! She never came to the door! I left flowers on the porch and left. Son, called later, and asked if I rang bell (we were in the basement). I thought, "Maybe you were, but not your wife). Guilty? Not me.

2chickiebaby

Renny, for some reason they do feel intimidated or something like that with us. I don't know what it is.  I mean, Lord! if you are like me, I've never met a stranger.  I love to be with people and have a great time all the time.  That was then, this is now. 

It's so strange too because I honestly think this whole thing will do me in in the end.  I don't know what to do either because on the one hand, the one (DIL) I thought I was so close to has turned out to be the very one behind all the trouble. Gosh, I wish I hadn't seen that!!

The other son and DIL, who I used to call: DDIL was just different, really different.  She still is. But, you know what?  She has the most perfect kids you will ever want to meet.  She has made our son so happy.  It has been very hard for him to give us up but he did in a way.

I helped that along with my distancing myself from her.  I was naturally drawn to the one who was more like me, friendlier.  She is very selfish and self-centered, though.  I just can't stand that.  I don't know about you but that and control freaks do me in.  She's both, it turns out.

We still talk to our son but his world is her world.  We don't know him. I've tried everything with her and will keep on trying.  I do want her to know how proud of am I her and the way she's raising her kids.

She's a little warmer. I'm so glad!!

Keep trying. Don't give up, even if it takes years. :)

renny97

Thanks, Chicki.

I need to put the past behind and keep doing so. There will always be a give and take. I just need the respect.

I am going to work hard at asking why she would insult me in the most polite way. I know, logically, the anger isn't good and won't work.

I just had one of my "concepts." Maybe a DIL is going through something in her life or just the normal "bump." And, so are we. I wonder, if by the time it changes a personality, we react differently to the "new" personality in the other person? We are expecting the same. That dynamic, may throw the whole communica' outta whack. As you were saying about how your DIL's changed.

I will try to "start over."

I have had some cool down. If I get snotty barbs, I am really going to focus on a patient answer. My son's cell was on ID and no message recently. I am still gonna be slightly nervous with next contact. I will be me. But, I will not be afraid to ask why something was said in a calm manner; knowing, I will be the example for GC. Then, it will set a real contrast from what she's heard.

It is painful, but you can do it, Chicki. You have strength. You get along so well with people. I guess we just love em and be kind. What else is there?