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Ann Lander's Survey, Would you have children if you could do it over again?

Started by Prissy, July 19, 2009, 07:36:43 pm

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Ann Lander's was an advice columnist and in one of her columns she asked, "if you had it to do over again, would you have children?"

A resounding 70% said, "no".  10,000 responded and the reasons varied but many were due to the total neglect that these now grown children exhibited to their parents.

This was done in the 70's so I wonder if the answer would be the different today? 


No. I would make the mistake of thinking first. I'd think about the overall cost and I'd think of the health risks and I'd think of my lack of knowledge and skills and I'd miss the most fulfilling and developmental experience of my life. (And in my old age, I would miss my son being my best friend.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I don't know. I probably do not fall into the correct target group. But I do have a 14 months old daughter and based on her so far I would say yes, I would do it all over again. In fact I want another one already!  :)


That is so lovely, Alice. And one of the most valuable things this site is that it brings us is multiple target groups, don't you think? Lets see..when was it that I was cuddling my first 14 month-old? Oh, my! 60 years ago! (And I was expecting #2 at that time.  :D)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


My only child died ....so I would would have to say yes. The only thing I would change is I would have had more than one child. I was so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and live up to impossible expectations, I only had one child. My mistake. Now, I have only my memories.


I'm so sorry, Invisible. I hope you can find some comfort here.

A couple of years ago I was shocked to hear DH admit that, no, he wouldn't do it again. He loves our children more than he can bear sometimes, so when they're struggling, in pain, or literally fighting for their lives he is devastated. As the man, he feels he must remain strong and resilient for the rest of us, so he hides it well. At that time, even though we'd been through a lot, I definitely answered "yes, I'd do it again." A few days ago, coincidentally since I'd not seen this thread, I thought about our talk and realized that I wouldn't be so quick to jump in again. Right now parenthood just feels like a lot of pain. I'm hoping I'll feel differently when things settle down.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Could I choose to have daughters too? ;D

I would not want to give up what I have had with my sons, even if there is pain with one of them now and even if there may be pain with them ahead.   



If I could have seen into the future and would have known the heartbreak ahead I would have done 2 things differently.

I'd not have gotten son back with my DIL after he broke up with her.

I'd have not sent sons to the University I did. 

If I could change those things, I'd have kids again but if not, I wouldn't.

As I said, we had SO MUCH FUN AND LOve here but my pain is so great now, it wasn't worth it.   The damage a Daughter in law can do is so bad you just want to die sometimes. 

The men never do that to her Mother.  The abusive ones do but not the other kind. 


I had a desperate need to belong, have a family.  I think that is what has destroyed me...my husband is a good man but doesn't want to talk anymore about the situation that is killing me.

I don't know why some men are that way. I wonder if all men are like that.  He just won't discuss it anymore.  I'm left alone with this board. 

Why did she do this to me? 


These young women cannot think like we do...they just can't.  They are either too young or they are spoiled brats who don't want to see.

There's no sense in ascribing human tendencies to them.  They aren't human. 


Honestly, Anna, I know you keep the kids so you can be with them but with her treating you like that, it's difficult to enjoy it, I'm sure.

It's good that your son has the courage to stand up for you.  I'm so happy for you.  You know that you're being used but I think when you tell yourself that you're getting something back, the love of your grandkids, that makes it okay.

I wonder how this marriage will be in the future. No one wants to live with a tyrant, do they?  I guess if he stays with her, he does.  Oh boy....it's difficult not to know that the world has changed into "not a kinder and gentler generation". 


In the past, I was on MIL hate sites trying to find comfort.  I used the name Prissy.  They treated me like dirt and banned me from each one.  They can be vicious.  I thought for sure I'd be safe here. 

One of them, who unfortunately has my email, emailed me about 3 weeks ago.  I didn't answer her. 

If you look at one of the responses to me, it is addressed To: Chickie Prissy.  They seem to find me wherever I go.  They will say that I'm paranoid now.  It's the same 'ol thing, second and 15th verse.

Please be aware that I don't know what will be coming next.   


Thank you....I don't want to bother Luise, she has enough on her hands.  I just wanted all of you to know in case they bring up some of my past emails to the hate sites I visited, what is happening. 

This is something they have done in the past so I have no way of knowing if it will be done now.  Ladies, I am a totally sane, just a very sad Mother but I'm not a mental case yet, though I could be later.  I can't vouch for anything anymore.  :)


Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 13, 2009, 07:34:43 am
If you look at one of the responses to me, it is addressed To: Chickie Prissy.  They seem to find me wherever I go.  They will say that I'm paranoid now.  It's the same 'ol thing, second and 15th verse.

Chickie Prissy -- If I might point this out, before a war gets started against one of our regular DIL's who posts here, you revealed that you are both Prissy and Chicky on an earlier post --http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,124.msg1830.html#msg1830-- and therefore references have been made to you as both because you revealed it on that link.   

I don't see any attack starting here coming from outside forces.