The Holidays - share your stories

[lancaster lady]

Perhaps the younger generation have higher expectations than we had , hence their disappointment at how things work out . I have been married ..40 years next year and we haved worked hard to get where we are today , not just.financially but also emotionally ,  No one gave us anything , if we couldn't afford it, we did.without, so we value it even more . Sometimes couples give up too easily , if.something is worth saving you have to work at it . IMHO.

[MoonChild]

Hello again and thank you for all of the insight, I apologize as I started writing this response an hour ago and now others have commented on the post, so I may not have a response for those posts yet. I suppose it has taken me a bit to get back here, as I was initially put off by some of the comments - as I was seeking advice to help me gain perspective as to the other side and not to be ridiculed (I felt in my initial post that I was stating my feelings, but also noted that I knew I needed to compromise and so I asked for advice). I suppose that perhaps I should give a bit of further background to the situation:  I refer to him as FDH because we are essentially engaged to be engaged (however we are in no rush to get married we just want to enjoy our time together and make sure that we are emotionally mature and financially stable before we embark on that journey). This is our 3rd Christmas together, the first we tried splitting between the two families on the day of, and then last year we did Christmas Eve at his FOO and Christmas day at mine - I supposed I assumed that because last year went so smoothly that we would continue in that fashion. I has also assumed this because his FOO knows that my FOO has many obligations to meet on the surrounding days, so I was a bit taken aback when I heard that FDH's Mom had said that. My FOO is very involved in their church community and always spend Christmas Eve with that community for services (my Mom is the liturgical coordinator so she has to be there for each service and my Dad is the Passage reader and Eucharistic minister) - I would consider that a 'real' obligation that cannot really be altered as most others are not willing to be at church all day Christmas Eve, am I wrong? Additionally, my sister does not live near us so she is only in town for limited days each holiday season (this year she will fly in on the 24th and leave the 26th), and yes, we are extremely close - of course we talk on the phone each day but it is not the same as getting to spend time with her, in my opinion. As I stated before, I was just taken aback when I heard that FMIL (knowing that my FOO cannot really be flexible due to outside obligations) made that statement. And I DO feel like I have been, since FDH and I have been together, making a point of being very involved with his FOO. For the first 2 years we had dinner with his parents every Thursday, and now that our work schedules are a bit different we now only see them every other Thursday for dinner. I feel like I have been making an effort - even though, I will  admit, I still do not really feel comfortable when I am there - (this is something FDH and I are working on together - me being involved in the conversations). I do not want FDH to feel torn, after reading some of your suggestions we are going to both discuss what is most important to US, what WE feel obligated to do, and what WE want to do - so that way WE, as a unit, can come to a compromise and OUR own routine going forward.
Just to touch base on some things that were mentioned that could factor in - as far as children are concerned, we are not going to have any, bottom line; another thought was alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, unfortunately in my situation FDH's Mom always works on Thanksgiving and I do not value Thanksgiving in the same regard as Christmas - growing up my sister and I never found any joy in the turkey day celebrations we were forced to attend because my Mom's FOO felt that, because my parents only made $XXX,XXX.XX each year instead of $X,XXX,XXX.XX we were not good enough (so it was us driving 3 hours each way to be with people for 5 hours who didn't really want us there)?!

[sapphire]

Moonchild,

It sounds like you are communicating with your FDH just fine. In defense of your FMIL, she may not have considered what your family's plans were, but would nonetheless like to celebrate the  holiday with her son and his significant other. It happens. I have no idea what my in-laws do when I'm not with them.

I do feel like you were overly ridiculed for just being honest about your feelings. I'm sorry for partaking in that. I do appreciate your honesty and I understand your feelings of being torn regarding possibly missing out on your own family's plans when there isn't any other arrangements possible for them. Is it possible that MIL is feeling the same way as you, in that she too doesn't feel she can rearrange things too? I think this is how conflict occurs.

Bottom line: as long as you are talking to your FDH about what you will both be doing together, it will all work out, I promise. If you do miss Christmas with your family, because that is what you and your FDH choose to do, you will have other Christmases to spend with yours, since that seems to be their tradition. Good luck to you. Change is never easy.

[lancaster lady]

Moonchild :

I think the fact that you see you see you FDH foo every week or so is commendable ,
so perhaps spending one day apart won't matter so much .

Before my Ds got married he wanted to spend Christmas here at home , my DIL used to go to
her own FOO , until they moved in together ,after that I never saw him at Christmas .
You know I wouldn't mind if they didn't want to visit me and spend Christmas together alone , however they
always go to my DIL's FOO . Which I now accept ,  no point complaining , won't change anything .

Perhaps when you are married you can invite both sets of parents to your home , not easy when your parents
are so busy at Christmas .
Here's for a hefty helping of goodwill , and mulled wine , to ease the burden ...

[Doe]

You will always have other people who want you to please them!  It's good that both families have outside interests and obligations that they are involved in so there won't be any lonely in-laws to feel guilty about.

I think you may think I was ridiculing you before but I truly didn't mean to be.  You said that you aren't engaged, right?  ("engaged to be engaged") so you really don't have the family obligations yet, since the commitment hasn't been made.  I was recommending that you continue with your FOO till you are ready to change and wouldn't feel cheated by having to be  with other extended family. 

Till you're married, you're not married and anything can happen.  You could decide that you aren't going to marry and all this worry and planning would have been for naught.  So why not just enjoy Christmas with your family till you'd rather spend it some other way?

[pam1]

Moonchild,

We have a similar situation, except for it's DHs FOO that demands every holiday.  They won't give an inch and will not accept anything less than what they want and when they want it -- which is the holiday the same way it has been for over 30 years.  New family members traditions and pasts do not matter, even my own DHs feelings did not matter.

It's one of many issues that affect our marriage.  While DH and I are on the same page, it's hard for him to even be around his family at all knowing that they are willing to sacrifice mine and DD's traditions for their own.  He has lost respect for his siblings and parents.

IMO, holidays are important in a marriage.  It's important for husband and wife to be together, it's an intrinsic part of the union.  Both FOOs should be honored but the main priority in a marriage IMO is honoring the wishes of husband and wife together.

I hope you can work this out. 

[justanoldgrandma]

I, too, apologize for being critical of your post; I'm glad you could be tolerant of us MILs enough to post back!  (I was afraid of your never returning!)  And I feel that now that we know more about you that we can get an understanding of a young person such as yourself which will help us as well!

I'm afraid I took your honesty and frankness as being flippant and I'm sorry for that; young people are sometimes more honest and aboveboard than we oldsters who don't tell it as it is.  Your second post explained a lot about your situation and I now understand your problem much better.  And I think you are wise in getting these conflicts out in the open before engagement, even!  Do wish we all had done that!

I now understand that you can't celebrate w the cooking and such on Eve bc of the church obligations.  It's to be commended that your parents are so loyal to their commitments.  With your sister on a limited visiting schedule, I get that, too.

As Sapphire said, your FMIL may not get it about your limited time w your FOO or is simply feeling left out and wanting to see you both on Christmas Day regardless of your time schedule restrictions; sometimes we MILs get some jealousy or nostalgia or simply feel the need to see the kids when we want; and her schedule is being determined and limited by her sometimes working on holidays.   I myself would be ecstatic to see my kids on the Eve and give up the Day if necessary (we get neither); but I can see that a set schedule may not work even if FMIL would be content w Eve bc of her schedule; it's hard to tell!

I have to say that I'm impressed with your willingness to have the Thursday night dinners; you aren't neglecting fdh's family, I can see! 

So... I will stop with trying to guilt you into anything bc you have the idea anyway about not wanting FMIL to be hurt; I hope maybe being with FMIL on Eve would still satisfy her; or you may have to send ds over and join him later....... I think so long as she sees that she will be w ds and also with you, she will be happy.

Keep posting and let us know how it comes out if you want!  And again, feel free to tell it as it is; I'm glad you weren't too offended by our remarks.  Oftentimes I will get carried away and have to retract!

[Shelby]

I suppose that perhaps I should give a bit of further background to the situation: 
. . . .
and then last year we did Christmas Eve at his FOO and Christmas day at mine - I supposed I assumed that because last year went so smoothly that we would continue in that fashion. I has also assumed this because his FOO knows that my FOO has many obligations to meet on the surrounding days, so I was a bit taken aback when I heard that FDH's Mom had said that. My FOO is very involved in their church community and always spend Christmas Eve with that community for services (my Mom is the liturgical coordinator so she has to be there for each service and my Dad is the Passage reader and Eucharistic minister) - I would consider that a 'real' obligation that cannot really be altered as most others are not willing to be at church all day Christmas Eve, am I wrong? Additionally, my sister does not live near us so she is only in town for limited days each holiday season (this year she will fly in on the 24th and leave the 26th),

since FDH and I have been together, making a point of being very involved with his FOO. For the first 2 years we had dinner with his parents every Thursday, and now that our work schedules are a bit different we now only see them every other Thursday for dinner. I feel like I have been making an effort -

Moon - The additional background information is quite essential.  Thanks for adding it.  You clearly have made efforts towards his family - and I think that is all the MILs on this board want to see.  Exactly what day it is shouldn't matter - as long as sincere and fair efforts are made towards both families.  And it appears you have always done that -- the Thursday dinners are evidence of that.  Frankly, we have always had Christmas Eve with one side, and Christmas Day with the other - with no complaints from either my FOO or DH's FOO.  Now that we have a DIL, we do not expect DS and his wife to spend all holidays with us - we know they need to spend time with her family as well as with each other.  Our only complaint was when they spent all of Christmas Day with her FOO and didn't even bother to give us a phone call (they were out of town on Christmas Eve so that day was not in play) -- Most FOOs just want an effort made towards them - not control of the young couple's schedule.   

I know what it is like to feel attacked on these boards - so a little sympathy for you there - but in fairness to all the MILs who posted, you accidentally omitted some of the most important information - such as your FOO's set church obligations on Christmas Eve and your fabulous efforts  towards his FOO with all those Thursday dinners.  Had that information been included initially, I think the responses would have been such you would not have felt any lack of support from the MILs whatsoever.  (and see how quick they were to re-adjust their thinking after you gave them this great info? 

Given your quite extraordinary efforts to establishing a relationship with them --  dinner twice a month, etc., I'd not hesitate one minute to say that you'd see them Christmas Eve, but not christmas day.  You are an adult.  You get to set boundaries, and yours are not set with a desire to cut them out.  Rather the opposite.  I'm impressed with the Thursday efforts.  Lack of attendance on Christmas Day should be no problem.  Christmas Eve is HALF of the Christmas celebration. 

[Doe]

Oh, and one other thing - I have a FDIL now and don't have any expectation that she would spend holidays with us instead of her family - I'm glad that she is able to go home and see them.

[Shelby]

My own mother was a great MIL.  When we were young adults, she never cared whether she got us on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  We were young marrieds, and she would gently try to find out the plans of the FOOs of her DILs and sons-in-laws and plan around that.  When we were young marrieds, there were no GPs,, just my parents, the young couples and  maybe a baby or two.  Some of the ILs still had living grandparents in the area, who would be there for Christmas.  My mom always wanted to defer to the schedules of the in-law's FOO if a grandparent would be there because, as she said - there weren't going to be too many more years that her DIL or SIL would have a GP at Christmas, so the DS and DIL, or DD and SIL should give priority to the celebration that included a GP , and my DM and FOO would work around that. 

My FOO always had great relations with the various in-laws (no surprise there) - and my DH and I frankly share her philosophy -

I know this is going off on a tangent - but it just occurred to me that Moon's FMIL could do with a bit of flexibility.  After all - she gets them on Christmas Eve and many Thursdays. 

[Scoop]

I agree it was the idea of (seemingly, in this case) "not considering" the MIL for Christmas plans that really hit people's hot buttons.  I'm glad you cleared things up Moonchild.

But it also made me realize (again) that we're all dealing with the same kind of person, no matter what their title is.  For example, we alternate Christmases between the Families, but EVERY single time that it's 'not' MIL's turn, she puts up a fuss and begs DH to "please just come home for Christmas".  As if that wasn't a huge kick in the teeth to my Mom.  It's the same idea that some of the DIL's here (and their FOO's) must have, where they only think of themselves, and don't even consider the DH's FOO's feelings.

Another example of this was the first year that my SisIL had a BF.  MIL invited his family for Christmas Eve, then invited BF for Christmas dinner, then invited him to meet us on New Year's Eve, and then MIL was FURIOUS that SisIL was going to her BF's FOO's house for New Year's Day supper.  Because MIL had "invited" them FIRST and it wasn't her fault that BF's Mom didn't invite them until later.  Seriously, the IL's & SisIL had a HUGE fight over it, it was terrible to see.

So to those who's DIL's snub them in favour of their FOO, maybe that's another angle the FOO's are using against them - "We asked you FIRST!"

ARGH - what a minefield.  It shouldn't be this hard.

[lancaster lady]

Just wish I was as popular , with invitations coming every which way !

[Shelby]

Lancaster - you're popular with me!  How about joining us this Christmas?

[lancaster lady]

Aww...thank you sooo much , I'm ok really ,  hope to see my Foo on the 26th., so will have lots to celebrate then . Thanks for the invite , we would have a great time all WW together . Sending hugs .

[Pen]

Apparently my DIL's DM had a flash of holiday insight after all these years - according to DIL, she realized that while she's basking in the glow of her FOO, having fun in the kitchen with her DDs and GC, I'm alone in my kitchen. Not that she'll offer to trade off T'day every other year, or invite us to join them, but at least she had a moment of what I choose to call compassion.