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Do our sons ever have regrets

Started by Marilyn, February 03, 2010, 08:39:10 AM

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tillykilly

hi mominwaiting...thanks for your reply to my 'sadness'...what a good question and one i have often asked as before my sons met their wives they were mostly loving, sharing, caring humans beings...not the people i have come to know, but i believe are heavily influenced by their partners...it think it has quite a bit to do with the generation thing....i am turned 60 and when i started out i knew absolutely nothing about control,power, ego tripping and such like, but knew instinctively everything aabout love respect and humility....it is a whole new ball game...dil have the upper hand, if it goes tits up in the sons marriage it is he who loses everything,...while are possibly a good tool for them to meet and divert attention in other areas that married men often try on....but women that are the proverbial 'butch' please excuse terminology, then motherhood wont change that...they are the person they are, and that is how they get and keep the best of what we gave....our sons, i think they know what is going on all too well, but men will stick their head in the sand...they are assured of their mothers love unconditionally....their wives ....another story..blessings...all in my thoughtsx

2chickiebaby

Dear Tilly,
At first, it takes a lot of courage for the sons to turn on us but over time, it becomes easier and easier.  The wife whispers to him about how we really are and soon, all our shortcomings are believed by him. (not that I don't have any)  Men are just that way.

One time, when one of my DILs had behaved so badly that it was glaring to everyone else, our son got on the phone and told me all the secrets I had told the DIL, pointing to how bad they were.

Like one of my friends, who I  like but is so boring...I told DIL about that, never meaning it as a slap against the friend, , just a comment.  He told me that I had relationship problems. 

Then, after listing all my faults to me over the phone, he called to her in the background for more information on me.  I could hear her in the background which I'm sure made her very mad at him.  Included in the list, was another friend that I told the DIL I was really tired of her calling every day with her thoughts about neuron transmitter stories. (I don't really understand neuron transmitters and don't want to.  I'm sorry, just find it terribly boring going on and on about something like this)

It was so hard to hear her in the background giving him instructions.  Such a betrayal of me. I would never do that to her.

The list is endless but the goal is to get the MIL out of the picture.  The more information they can get out of you/me, the more ammo they have to give him.


cocobars

Actually, Chickie - she probably loved the idea of you hearing her in the background.  That's a sad thought, but I went through many conversations over the phone with my son, listening to my DIL in the background telling him what the responses to my questions were.  I could be wrong, but I believe this makes the DIL's who are controlling this way feel powerful.

Just my thoughts.  I know they are negative, but I have pondered this subject so much! :-[

2chickiebaby

I wish the women didn't feel like they must be in control and just let us love them.  If they don't want us to love them, at least like them.

cocobars

I understand!  Believe me I do!  It's a problem with them and we can't take it on ourselves, because we really aren't to blame for someone else's insecurity.  I have thought of nothing to help other than to let go, hoping someday things in their situations will change and they will come back.  All we can do is go on and as tilly put it - keep standing, hopefully standing well.

Hang in Chickie and know we all love you here!

Pen

I also feel that way. We can work on ourselves and our hurt so we can get on with our lives, but the simple fact remains that we miss our sons because of someone else's bizarre needs. If DILs could only see how much richer and happier their marriages and lives would be if they could tolerate/accept us, things might change. Some days I have hope, some days it's more difficult.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

February 21, 2010, 08:38:23 AM #186 Last Edit: February 22, 2010, 06:02:27 PM by cocobars
Mominwaiting, I think you have the right idea.  I just read your post - reply #165, and it's interesting how things changed a little when you changed your perception.  I'm going to take that advice! 

Marilyn

Coco,it has seemed to help.And i am proud that my son is good to my DIL and her family.I'm grateful he is a wonderful husband and father.

cocobars

Your perception has changed since you've been here!  I can see that, and it shows in your posts as well.  I'm glad you are able to accept the wonderful son you raised and see where you fit in there!  I hope you have more good news to come and much more happiness to look forward to!

Your advice is compassionate and loving to the women here as well, and yes, I believe you have a gift!  I have watched you tweak it! :)

Marilyn

Thank you Coco,for your kind words. :)
I have always loved helping people, it's just the way i am.

cocobars

Then, you are such a perfect fit here!  I will look forward to seeing you bloom here and make everyone smile!  We all deserve that and someone who likes helping other people, sometimes ends up helping themselves in that effort.  It's a win-win here! 

We need more "you's" here!

Marilyn

Well thank you again Coco,you are the sweetest thing.

cocobars

February 28, 2010, 02:21:09 PM #192 Last Edit: February 28, 2010, 02:38:42 PM by cocobars
Thank you, Mominwaiting! I just know there are good things coming for you!  You hang in there, but keep us posted!  I love good news, especially when I get to hear about it happening and watch you smile!  We all do!

I see more hope in your posts.  That's a good thing and you are sharing that feeling with us all!  Next thing I know, I'll be reading your post in "Success Stories!"

Feel that?  I'm hugging you! :)

Marilyn

Yes i felt that hug........nothing better than hugs from my e-friends!!!!! :)

What a wonderful thing that would be...........writing a success story!!!  :)

I'm praying it will turn out that way,for all of us!!!! :)

cocobars

Mominwaiting, what a nice thought!  LOL!  If we could all do that - then I would definately look into Dr. Phil, so I could tell him he was wrong about the MIL's out there! 

Thanks for that thought!  I'll be having sweet dreams all night long!! ;D

Awe shucks!  Here's nuther hug!  You deserve it anyway!!! ;D