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no good deed goes unpunished

Started by elsieshaye, November 20, 2011, 12:58:17 PM

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elsieshaye

So, DS got all the stuff I sent him, and he's trying to put his stereo together. He can't find one of the cables. He left me a vm demanding to find out where I put it. I have no clue - I just dumped everything into boxes and sent it, except for some things that were in a junk box, and his magazines, because I didn't think those were things I needed to pay to send. I sent him a text telling him I didn't know where the cable was. He's now decided I withheld it deliberately to be passive aggressive. He's also calling me by my first name. The good news is, he found a replacement cable, so my dastardly plot was averted. Curses, foiled again.   ::)

I'm going to have to make some decisions about how accessible I want to be to him. I'm feeling kind of battered, and it upsets me to hear from him at all. But I don't want to totally cut myself off from contact with him. In case he somehow becomes sane, loses the jerk tendencies, and actually wants to work at a relationship with me again.

Oh, and I found out yesterday that some people living here were feeding him during the week he was "starving and sleeping in a park" (which was actually a laundry room in one of the other buildings in the apartment complex). I knowaddicts lie, and I know that he wanted to manipulate me into taking him back and/or giving him money, but it still ticks me off.

Ugh.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

lancaster lady

Elsieshaye :

He's certainly drawing this out isn't he .
I would tell him not to contact you unless he has something decent to say , why put yourself
through the mangle each time he calls or texts .

elsieshaye

LL, I think it's going to come down to that, unfortunately.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

luise.volta

What  might work, because you absolutely do not have to keep being battered, is to let him know that you are closing the door for now. Tell him that if you move or get new phone numbers you will let him know and you would appreciate it if he did the same thing...but...your self respect is operational at long last and will not accept further abuse. Tell him you love him and always will and that your heart is open to him should he ever choose to do something else with this life.
Sending, love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

elsieshaye

I know you're right, Luise.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.  I was scared to do it, but I did.

I just sent him an email telling him I loved him and eventually want a relationship with you again, but for now I'm going to close the door to further contact.  I told him I'm open to him if he chooses to turn himself around and do things differently, but I won't accept abuse from him.  I said I understood that he's angry with me.  But, I told him I'm not his emotional punching bag.  I let him know that I was going to shut down both his phone and mine at the end of January, but that I'd always keep my email address and facebook account, so he could contact me if he needed to.  (I really can't deal with the horrible, ranty phone calls, texts and voice mails.  I have an email folder set up that  keeps his emails out of my inbox but that I can check periodically.  I also have him hidden on FB, but not blocked, so he can message me there if needed, but I won't see his regular posts.)  This hurts, and I'm sad, but I think it's best.  I just can't handle the anger and contempt from him any more.

This too shall pass.  All is well.

lancaster lady

A really hard thing to do , but it will let you heal and grow stronger .God willing , he will be guided back .Good luck Elsie.....sending hugs ......

luise.volta

Of course it hurts. He is forever your child. I believe you are letting go of the persona he is presenting that has nothing to do with who your son is. At the same time the door of your heart will always be open to his heart. I often create rituals of one kind and another marking the events, positive and negative, in my life. You might want to do that. For instance: print out a copy of your email. Put it in a container for safety and burn it. Then scatter the ashes or bury them. It's over. You will never be his victim again for the simple reason that you said so. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

I think you're doing the right thing - both for you *and* him.  He needs limits and learn a lesson.

You're doing the right thing, I'm continually amazed at how strong you've been through this all.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Keys Girl

Elsie, it's never easy, but it's always worth it.  You are worth it.  Hang in there.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pen

(((hugs))) Elsie. You are amazing. I know this is probably the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, but you truly are worth it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Hang in there Elsie, you're doing good.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

elsieshaye

Thanks, Everyone.  So, he called me multiple times today and left a voice mail.  I was going to delete it unheard, but my office mate wanted to hear it, so I let her listen.  Her eyes got huge and her jaw dropped.  She blurted out what he was saying (threatening obscenities).  I deleted the voice mail and then cancelled his cell phone, effective immediately.  I also ordered a new cell phone, with a new number, which will arrive Wednesday, so after that he won't be able to reach me by telephone at all. I wanted him to be able to contact me or other family if he needed to, but really I don't need to pay for the privilege of being verbally assaulted.  Hopefully this quiets down the drama somewhat for a while (or at least makes it invisible to me).
This too shall pass.  All is well.

lancaster lady

That must have hurt Elsie , but it just confirms you are doing the right thing ...sending hugs ......

Pen

Wow. Just...wow.

I keep sage wands around to smudge the difficult energy away when need be...but whatever ritual you have that will reset the energy in your home will do. Best wishes, Elsie.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

elsieshaye

@Pen, I'm cleaning and de-cluttering like a mad thing and removing all traces of DS from the apartment.  My BF even fixed a wall that DS had ruined, and repainted it for me.  I'm slowly reclaiming each room that DS had taken over and the apartment looks and smells completely different (DS had been smoking in the house when I wasn't home, and the smell when you walked in was like a fist in the face - I've been just about soaking everything in lavender-vanilla febreze, lol).

@LL - thank you.   Seeing my friend's horrified face when she was listening to the message - and hearing her say that she now completely understands why I've been doing what I have been regarding DS - went a long way towards reinforcing that I made the best choices I could about how to handle things.
This too shall pass.  All is well.